Being the OW

[snowy1]

Can I ask how old the 2 of you are?

 

Have you met his gf in the 8 years you've been friends? Does he never bring her out to socialize?

 

Has he always given the impression that she's such a terrible person & he's so miserable at home? Has he ever mentioned his relationship in 8 years?

 

If he's loved you so much for 8 years & he's been in a horrible unloving relationship for all that time why hasn't he left her & asked you to date him before a month ago?

 

 

I understand that you're all loved-up at the moment. Would you normally let a man move in after a month? (No judgements. Me & my H moved in together the first week. That was 26 years ago)

 

Please be careful here. A man even considering sneaking away without discussing it is the same kind of man who WILL be seeing her to talk after you're together....will he have the guts to tell you what happens between them?

 

Please be prepared. Protect your heart. You don't present yourself as the kind of woman who would be happy with a pathetic weak man like this. I HATE what he's planning on doing to her. She's a human being & deserves common decency.

 

If he's loved you so much for 8 years & he's been in a horrible unloving relationship for all that time why hasn't he left her & asked you to date him before a month ago?

 

Hi I am 45 he 52

 

When I first met PM (can I say partnered man?) we were obviously attracted to one another and he told me upfront he was with someone so I told him I would only want to stay friends because of this and we kind of drifted in and out of conversation over the years.

 

About two months after we met I met someone else and wanted to give the relationship a go which I did for two years but that didn't work out and during that time me and PM spoke occasionally on a friendly basis.

 

I then met someone else and again this didn't work out, not because of any influence of PM but just because there was no connection there.

 

During all of my previous relationships I had a clear head and I really wanted to give them a go but I knew deep down they both weren't right for me.

 

So my last relationship ended last year and I took a few months out to be on my own and then hey ho me and OM got in touch again.

[snowy1]

you. That

 

Please read some of the threads here about NC and how people accomplished it. It isn't easy, but it can be done minute by minute. I think those threads are inspiring.

 

Hi I meant to comment on this part in my previous post.

 

Believe me, I have taken all the comments on board and I am very aware of the possible complications that may arise.

 

The way I see it is that if he really wants to be with me then he will do so on the day he has said he will.

 

If he doesn't follow through on his word then it will NC all the way and I will no doubt be coming on here for support from others who have been through the same and I will dust myself off with my head held high knowing that it wasn't meant to be.

 

I will not allow him any longer because the longer it goes on, the less likely he is to make that move and I am not the type of woman to sit around waiting for him for days on end and I would want him to see that I am a strong person (which he knows anyway) and he knows that I am sick of the sneaking around.

 

In his words he said "believe me, I will be with you on ........, I would rather die than not be with you, do not doubt me"

 

So if he doesn't stick to this then I know where I stand

[Dancewithme]

this Man's approach to leaving his lover sounds like the old song years ago, "slip out the back, Jack". You would think at 52 he would have more mature ways of handling something as angst-ridden and devastating as a break-up, especially to someone with whom he has lived with for 15 years. He is breaking up a common-law marriage by slipping out the back door behind her back!!!!! Juvenile!!!!

 

I'm sorry, but I feel like you being a partner to this is setting you up for a world of mess. You know the "wife" ( living together 15 years, pretty much same thing to me) is either going to come looking for him, or send someone on her behalf. Just to find out what happened, to get some answers. There will be very hurt feelings, and wounded ego because of the way he handled things. There could be a lot of drama.

 

I understand you want to follow your heart and see where it leads, but why invite extra drama into your life? You were already sneaking around with him behind her back. Why not decide that now, it's time to start this relationship with some integrity: have "'MM" sit his woman down, look her in the eye, like a man, tell the truth, answer any questions, take any anger she's going to throw his way, and then leave. To his own place. To allow him to "detox" from a breakup of a 15 year relationship, before moving in with you.

 

Just because they are not married doesn't mean she is not entitled to the courtesy of an orderly ending to her relationship.

 

Following ones' heart doesn't necessarily mean taking the messiest route.

 

I wish you luck with all this.

Edited April 28, 2016 by Dancewithme

[anika99]

OP does anyone in his life know about you and your romantic involvement in his life? Do his friends or family know anything about this upcoming event?

 

I see this playing out one of two ways. Best case scenario is that he never leaves, you take off the rose coloured glasses, see the situation as it really is and walk away to live your life relatively unscathed. Worst case scenario is that he leaves his partner with a cruel and heartless note, runs to you and hides behind your skirt in an attempt to keep reality at bay and continue this fantasy love fest but reality cannot be denied forever and when it catches up to him then the drama starts. He will start second guessing his choice, feel guilt and possible regret, he won't know how to explain his actions to the other people in his life and when he tries it will sound hollow to him. When he is alone he will find himself thinking of his partner and missing her. He will be confused by his conflicting emotions and wonder all the time if he did the right thing. If at any point he speaks to his partner, either by her contacting him or him reaching out to her (yes there is a strong possibility that he will contact her when this all hits him) seeing her heartbreak and pain will hurt him and tug at his heart. Right now he sees his partner as an obstacle to his happiness but when he begins to truly begins to mourn the end of his relationship he will look at you and wonder if you ruined his happiness and he will find himself thinking of going back to her or even trying to go back.

 

If he doesn't go through any of through any of the turmoil I just described and actually just carries on happily with his life after dumping his partner of fifteen years and moving right in with you, then there is something seriously wrong with him because nobody walks away from a 15 yr relationship without pain. Especially so in his case because he only started to see you and suddenly came to this decision. He had no plans to leave at all until last week and now his plan is only to sneak out and hide at your place. He sounds like a child running away from home. I used to run away from home as a young teen and I did it just like he did. I would wait until my parents weren't home and then grab a few things and take off to some friend's house, but not a friend my parents knew because I didn't want them to find me. I had no plans beyond just running away...lol. If I really wanted to leave home and I was more mature I would have had some long term well thought out plans about how I was going to become independent and live on my own. I would have had discussions with my parents and let them know I was leaving and why, instead of causing so much hurt to my mom by simply disappearing for days leaving her sick with worry and pain.

 

Your 52 yr old MM is not starting a new life with you, he is just running away from his old life and all because of a spur of the moment decision. Even if his current relationship is dead and needs to end, the way he is going about it almost guarantees that his relationship with you will fail? Why can't he be mature and give his partner notice so that she has a chance to figure out what she needs to do. Can she afford to keep living in the same place without him? Is he just going to leave her on the hook for his share of the expenses when he disappears on her. I don't care how seperate their finances are, when you live with someone there are always shard responsibilities and expenses. Even roommates excpect 30 days notice from the peon they are living with, as do landlords.

[ChickiePops]

There was a question earlier that wasn't addressed. Snowy, you said that his gf wouldn't allow his children in their house..why did he choose this abusive woman over his own kids?

[snowy1]

There was a question earlier that wasn't addressed. Snowy, you said that his gf wouldn't allow his children in their house..why did he choose this abusive woman over his own kids?

 

Hi sorry what I meant was that although they did visit when they were younger, she never welcomed them with open arms, she would never really bother with them and went into another room whilst he was spending time with them.

 

He usually visits them now on his own and his partner used to hate it when he went round to see them at christmas etc because she wouldn't go with him.

[heartwhole]

I'm not as concerned about him letting you down by not moving out . . . I'm more concerned about his pattern of conflict-avoidance and blaming his failed relationships on the woman with no insight into how he contributes to the dynamic. You can expect more of the same once you are in a proper relationship with him yourself I'm afraid. As long as you don't respond the "correct" way or act the "correct" way, then he's just justified in avoiding you, lying to you, sneaking around behind your back, etc. How long will it take your relationship to get to the point of his others?

[BuddyX]

Why are you wasting your pretty on this looser?.

 

When I divorced my ExW I put a quote on my cellphone. "3 billion women out there, just in case the B*tch feels irreplaceable".

 

Harsh? Yes. But I never went back.

 

You were NOT put on this earth to get off a MM jollies.

[Girlfromcali]

Well, I actually think you should try it out since you've been waiting for eight years anyway. This is your chance.

 

Although, what he's doing to his partner of 15 years is pretty repulsive and when I read it, it almost made me cry.

[Lois_Griffin]

I really don't know to believe but he tells me all the time that we need to be honest with each other he actually said to me did I worry that he would be unfaithful to me because of whats happened and that he would never do that to me etc etc, its the chance Im willing to take for love I suppose

You do know he's told his 15 year partner this same exact thing probably numerous times, right? And look where that got her.

 

And you can also see how he's clearly not a man of his word because he's cruel enough and cowardly enough to actually desert this woman while she's at work. It just gets no lower than that.

[Lois_Griffin]

Hi sorry what I meant was that although they did visit when they were younger, she never welcomed them with open arms, she would never really bother with them and went into another room whilst he was spending time with them.

 

He usually visits them now on his own and his partner used to hate it when he went round to see them at christmas etc because she wouldn't go with him.

So basically, he's been a pretty uninvolved parent in his children's lives overall - they occasionally 'visited' him and he 'visits' them at Christmas.

 

He's a minimally involved 'father,' a cheater, and someone who actually thinks it's perfectly acceptable to scurry out the door like a rat when his 15-year partner is at work and probably has nothing more on her mind that what she'll cook for dinner when she gets home. Instead, she'll get to come home to a cold dark house and a note on the counter telling her he's gone, probably rewriting their entire history which will be ALL about how it was all her fault.

 

After 15 years together, THAT'S what she's going to be left with.

 

And you've chosen to be a party to that.

 

Is that how you really want to be with someone?

[stilltrying16]

you. That

 

Please read some of the threads here about NC and how people accomplished it. It isn't easy, but it can be done minute by minute. I think those threads are inspiring.

 

Hi I meant to comment on this part in my previous post.

 

Believe me, I have taken all the comments on board and I am very aware of the possible complications that may arise. (I agree: I think you are.)

 

The way I see it is that if he really wants to be with me then he will do so on the day he has said he will.

 

If he doesn't follow through on his word then it will NC all the way and I will no doubt be coming on here for support from others who have been through the same and I will dust myself off with my head held high knowing that it wasn't meant to be. (Good plan!)

 

I will not allow him any longer because the longer it goes on, the less likely he is to make that move and I am not the type of woman to sit around waiting for him for days on end and I would want him to see that I am a strong person (which he knows anyway) and he knows that I am sick of the sneaking around. (Yes- this is the perfect attitude!)

In his words he said "believe me, I will be with you on ........, I would rather die than not be with you, do not doubt me"

 

So if he doesn't stick to this then I know where I stand

 

I really like the way you're thinking about this, snowy1! Esp the bolded. My comments are in italics there.

 

I didn't say it right when when I was talking about the other threads currently active and focused on NC. Sorry about that- just wanted to clarify. I've been reading this site for about a month, and other infidelity sites for a bit longer. This last set of threads just seems different- there are some new ideas there and some practical tips that seem so helpful. I found the posts there very inspiring- so I'm strongly recommending them in case you haven't had a chance to see them yet.

 

I've a good feeling about your situation. Good luck with everything! Please keep updating- we're here for you.

Edited April 28, 2016 by stilltrying16