Don't know where to turn....

[Redd2016]

Hi,

 

This is my first time posting and I'll admit it's a little daunting having my thoughts and words staring back at me. I need to vent.

 

I have no one to really speak to, I feel alone.

 

I feel my marriage is at an end.

 

Me and my husband met through work, everything was really really good. We were inseparable. My number of friends dwindled as they too found long last relationships. I was a real social butterfly, him not so much but it worked in the beginning.

 

Things got serious, we married and moved in. My social outings became less frequent. As a couple we went out and did things together to start with now the only time we go out is to do our weekly food shop.

 

We're two totally different people in reality, it's often said that people couldn't see why we were together but I always insisted that we worked well and we're happy.

 

I've never been a self confident person, I'm the ugly duckling that stayed that way and learnt to live with it. My first ever relationship came about because I didn't feel anyone else would love me.

 

Anyway, we've been married for a good few years, just plodding along. Then I met someone. We became incredibly close as friends.

 

I've always considered myself to be a good girl, I was the first to condemn adulterers. I could never understand why someone would cheat.

 

It was a slow burning thing, but ultimately I cheated on my husband. The shame swept over me and eventually I confessed. This guy claims to love me and I believe him.

 

I don't think I can truly put into words how disgusted with myself I am, I literally hate myself beyond words. My poor husband has stayed with me despite it all and said he loved me.

 

His choice was for us to never mention it to anyone other than my parents and two of my managers at work. My parents are so disappointed by my actions and urged me to stay with my husband.

 

At the time of the confession I felt like me and the husband could work though it, perhaps it would help us work through our issues.

 

We don't communicate, mainly because I don't feel like I can talk to him. I once mentioned that I'd like to go out and do something other than shopping but it fell on deaf ears.

 

Since the confession the guy who's in love with me has gone back to an old flame to try and get over me.

 

My husband generally carries on like nothings happened, although I'm not stupid enough to think he's forgiven and forgotten. I know it's in his mind.

 

I don't love him anymore, I don't think I have for a while. I guess I just buried my head in the sand. He doesn't wan't to separate, I haven't told him yet but I do.

 

I'm unhappy and confused. He's done nothing wrong, he just doesn't do it for me anymore. I think I'd be happier single but I hate myself for causing so much emotional damage to someone.

 

I don't know what to do, I've cried everyday in secret for the past month. Imagined what it would be like to not wake up again. My parents want me to work at this marriage. If I leave I have no where to go and the guilt of hurting him is too much to bear. Would there be life after this for either of us?

 

I know I sound like a horrible person and I'm not seeking someone to tell me it's okay. It's not ok, I will never be punished enough.

 

Thank you for listening and I'm sorry.

[DoryJKS]

I believe that being honest with yourself about your feelings towards someone else is the best thing. You know that you don't love him anymore, that hurt I will not deny it; but it's good that you are honest and it will allow you (eventually, when you decide it) to take the steps that you need to take to move forward.

 

Now, are you really a horrible person? I will not justify anybody's act since I believe justification doesn't really lead to understanding the reasons behind the acts, but I will say this: you are not a horrible person. You are a person. Period.

 

Everybody experiences situations where we make decisions that we later may (or may not) regret, but it doesn't make you a horrible person, it just makes you what we all are: human beings.

 

I strongly suggest you that you stop beating yourself up and start listening (and reading) to your own self, what your gut says, since you are in the relationship; not your parents, not your friends, not even us here in this forum.

 

I truly hope that all gets better for you. But please, stop thinking of yourself as bad person. You are not.

[mamabear32018]

My dear friend, through your words I can feel your pain and your tears. I am so sorry you are going through this. Have you and your husband gone to counseling together? My prayers are with you...

[Conclude]

As someone possibly on the other side of your issue, I want to applaud you for telling him. I know it must have been hard. I personally don't believe in having an affair, but it is honestly an opinion. It doesn't make you a bad person, we are all human, but you need to remember that with marriage, there are certain expectations that form a contract between our partners and us. You should definitely stand up for yourself though.

 

If you want out of the marriage because the love isn't there, and you know you can't work on reestablishing intimacy, then you will only be hurting yourself and your partner. I am coming to terms with this right now, with my own separation.

 

My wife and I have been separated for a month, but I'm starting to believe that she truly is not in love with me any more. It sucks, but honestly, if she can't come to the conclusion that she is in a rut and this is how she really feels, I want her to be happy and divorce is probably the right thing for both of us. We have a daughter, and our daughter deserves to be in two happy households rather than one poisoned with resentment. But I still have reasonable suspicion and evidence that my wife has had at least an emotional affair. I am having to take her word now, and have faith in her, but my gut tells me otherwise. Still, I will trust her until a decision on our marriage can be made. But, in the chance that she did have an affair, I would rather her tell me, so I can move on, than keep it from me.

 

My point is, you told your husband about the affair and you know you don't want to be in the relationship. It may be healthier for you and all parties involved to just go ahead and start the separation if you know this is the right thing in your heart. He will understandably be upset. I still am upset, but I do care about my wife, and if she wants divorce, I can't change her heart and ultimately want her to be happy. The same with him. It will take him time to accept it, but in the long run, you may be making his life better counter-intuitively. And now, I must stop colluding with the "enemy".

 

 

 

 

 

p.s. - I don't really see you as the enemy, we are all only human.

[tamcat]

Redd, stop beating yourself up. You are human. Sometimes humans fall out of love. Sometimes couples allow it to sizzle out and there is nothing left. Remember one thing... it takes two to tango. Your situation isn't what it is because you alone did anything. Things died, and you are screwing yourself over BIG time if you stay out of guilt. See a therapist. You know within yourself whether there is anything worth saving. If not, stop wasting your time, and your husband's, and move on. I was there a year ago, and I am currently happier than what I have been in years. So is my ex.

[Why_So_Complicated]

No Kids! Your golden. Consider it a life lesson. Trust me when you don't feel attracted and you feel like you grew apart. You only prolong it and make it worse. You cheated to get something you weren't getting with him. Go to counseling and explore it. But don't break the bank on it, and don't lie to yourself and TRY to love him. Just be natural and if it's not there,, well it's not there, move on.

[bluefeather]

Have you considered marriage counseling? That might be one idea to try before throwing the towel in. If you don't want to do that, I would suggest seeing a therapist just for yourself.

[gemini6]

You should probably leave. I would suggest a trial separation and no contact for a few months. See if your H is agreeable to that. Here's the thing, everyone wants what they can't have - now, you said your AP(affair partner) has started up with someone else in the hopes of getting over you...leave that alone. If you separate from your H it would be best to not jump right in with the AP, for you, him, and your H..for several reasons. The grass is greener syndrome inflicts a lot of pain on all involved - you need to make sure that you really don't love your H anymore or if you are just so wrapped up in the AP that you can't even see the man that married you..

Affair fog (look it up) is craziness - it makes people think and do the craziest things...what you are saying is so typical, so normal..half of us here at LS could write a script word for word of what someone in an affair is going to say...I love him but I'm not IN LOVE with him, I haven't loved him in years, we have nothing in common anymore, it feels like a roommate situation, we should have never been married, he's just boring, there is no spark, we don't have sex, I'm not attracted to him anymore, blah blah blah....it's just so predictable. So, here is something to think about: Your situation is NOT unique, it's NOT special, It's NOT any different from the hundreds of stories posted here...your affair partner is NOT your soulmate ( it's almost comical how many people are finding their soulmates at work these days) your AP and you are not star crossed lovers, it's not a Romeo and Juliet scenario, it's a crush nothing more, and crushes are fleeting...it's the old grass is greener, wanting what you can't have, etc...so, you should leave and find yourself because right now, you are lost...we don't find ourselves through someone else. we don't find our happiness in someone else - no one is responsible for your happiness but you, it's inside you - nowhere else.

I'm 5 years out of my H's affair - I learned a ton about emotions, happiness, relationships, psychology, affairs, my H, and myself throughout the years - I wish I could spare you the nightmare you are about to enter into but, people have to learn the hard way, experience it all themselves...you are not a horrible person, you are just human - I wish you luck.

[Sickofmymarriage]

You are not a horrible person by any means. You clearly have not been in love with him for a while, and another person came into your life. Look at things like they are meant to be. If you don't love your spouse and are not happy, leave. Life is just too short to stay miserable. Wishing you all the best.