Very low, vey scared, getting sick

[chrisandhisbrain]

Hi all.

 

Here for a vent.

 

When I first met my wife (before we were married) things were great between us. Exciting, passionate, there was a lot of love there.

 

I was a happy go lucky guy, without any real pressure, and more importantly, I was confident. Confident as a person, and as a lover.

 

I then entered the world of big corporate, working for some nasty people, and realising that I lacked a lot of skill.

 

All the confidence I had went. I got extremely depressed. As you can imagine, our marriage suffered. Off and on for a couple of years, things were really bad I joined a second company and in many ways it made me worse. Things continued to be tough, with long periods of low to non existent libido.

 

Late last year I joined another new company and a massive weight was lifted from my shoulders: I finally found a place I could be happy and some of my confidence started to return. We got very close again, started being intimate more again (although not like we once were, but we were slowly getting there), and it was soooooo nice to not have any relationship stress.

 

However, about a month ago things started getting on top of me again. My issue, through suffering from adult ADD and anxiety, is that when things go bad, I can spiral out of control and not stop myself. I am not normal in this sense - I can't just 'cheer up'.

 

So now, we're back to where we were a year or so ago. Not been intimate in a few weeks. Wife is trying to be strong for me but I know it's killing her. But a combination of losing a lot of self esteem and the stress has just made me lose all my libido again.

 

I am so scared now that this might be the final straw in my marriage. I'm getting sick (IBS, sweats, chills, near panic attacks) and generally just feeling on complete edge. Running into the toilet 2/3 times a day to cry otherwise will start blubbering at my desk. People are starting to notice, but for now my work is not really being affected.

 

I'm seeing one form of counselling for my anxiety, and they are trying to help me through this. I've got my first appointment with Relate tonight to see what they can do. I'm going to see my GP next week to get results of hormone blood tests, which I assume will be normal, as I am in great shape. Even though I'm only 31, I'm tempted to ask for some sexual aids (have tried lots of probably unregulated herbal crap from the internet, scared of what I'm putting in my body). I know I'm young and there are bad long term side effects, but if it can help get us out of this black hole and save things, I think it needs to be done. I'm also trying to change my job in my company to something a little less stressful. I'm trying very hard to sort myself out.

 

Thanks for reading my blabber. I love my wife with all my heart and will not lose her without a fight.

Edited April 27, 2016 by chrisandhisbrain

[rainbowsandkittens]

Have you considered an antidepressant or something along those lines to help you with anxiety? Even something like xanax for when you feel yourself spiraling? I know there is a stigma attached to taking medication but honestly it can work WONDERS. It sounds like it might be a good thing for try- it might help stop the spiral before it gets too bad.

 

 

Glad you're getting to the dr and seeing a therapist as well! Hope you're able to find a solution. It seems like, despite how you're feeling, you're being proactive about it! Which is half the battle! Seriously.

[OneLov]

Are you taking medication for your ADD? If so, you may want to talk with your doctor to determine if it is contributing to your anxiety. You may need to adjust your dose but only your doctor will be able to make that determination.

[TaraMaiden2]

How is your wife in all of this?

I hear your side, but is she proactive? Supportive?

How's her level of patience bearing up?

I take it she's aware of your ADD?

Is this linked to your anxiety?

[chrisandhisbrain]

No meds yet. Got appointment to start ADD meds in a couple of weeks, can't wait. Will defo try them.

 

My wife is suffering. She gets very sad. She doesn't know how to help me. I feel very guilty.

[TaraMaiden2]

The fact is - you are proactive.

Include your wife in weverything that is going on with you. Ask her to share your journey. Tell her you love her - but show her how much (words get to be hollow after a while).

Ask her to just be there.

She doesn't necessarily have to DO anything to help you. Just be there for you.

 

Do not abuse her goodness or companionship, though.

Do not 'bite the hand that feeds'....

[d0nnivain]

Keep your wife informed about your efforts to stabilize your life. When I was going through severe depression my husband was encouraged by my efforts to get better through therapy & medication. It helped him want to stick around when I was more of a burden then a true partner.

[heydad75]

You are doing the right thing in seeking counseling. I have 1 particular friend that has gone through the same thing. Professional help is sometimes needed. In this case he sought a good Christian counselor since he is Christian as I am. I would encourage you not to give up, there is hope. Depression is serious but many have overcome it with the right professional help and support. It sounds like your wife is with you in this trial. It also sounds like you are doing the rights things in communicating and involving her in the process. I will be praying for you during this time. PM me for more info on the counseling if you like.

[loveboid]

Be careful of benzodiazepines. It goes under many names. A lot people have lost the emotion out of their lives as zombies. When they got off they have insomnia and become cranky enough to make their relationships worse. These are the light symptoms...they can get worse. Check out the website benzobuddies before taking anything like that.

 

Keep getting help for your ADHD. One theory is that it's a problem with working memory. Solution: use a notepad, calendar or to-do list, app, etc. as your memory...dump everything into it as soon as you think of it before you forget it. Glue it to your side. People with ADHD often don't get help besides meds.

[ShatteredLady]

PLEASE be careful for the first couple of months when trying new meds. Antidepressants usually take full effect around the 6 week mark. Medications can improve quality of life but they can also rip lives apart. Communicate with your wife. Ask her to help you monitor yourself.

 

My H has always suffered from depression. He's only tried antidepressants twice & BOTH times our marriage has barely survived! There are other factors. I'm not blaming everything on the meds.

 

The first time he tried them my soft, gentle, hippy geek H became a gym crazy, abusive monster who called himself "The Golden God!" (No kidding!). He started treating me with extreme cruelty. Flirting with any woman who caught his eye (right in front of me), had an affair, bullied & nearly destroyed me.

 

By the nature of his behavior/reaction to the meds, he believed that he was right, never felt so good! I thought he was having a mental breakdown & didn't know what medications he was taking at the time.

 

The second time he went on antidepressants it took him less than 2 months to ask his ex mistress to open a secret account!! It was the first step on the road that led me to this forum, broke my heart & nearly broke our 26 year long relationship that even he described as "Our Magical Life".

 

PLEASE I don't want to scare you & stop you taking antidepressants. Medications could be the answer to your prayers. I just want you to do it safely. Remember there are many different meds & finding the right one/right combination can be trial & error.

 

I was the completely loyal, loving wife who stood by him through his depressive episodes, stress, anxiety & pain without question or hesitation. He was the love of my life "In sickness & in health". Give your W a big hug from me & treat her with the kindness & devotion that she deserves.

 

Depression can be an incredibly selfish disease. Stay strong & never forget who truly loves & supports you

 

Best wishes.