Coping with narcissistic/BPD breakup, where do I start

[JustDreaming]

Hey everyone , just looking to get some help here while coping. My breakup with my fiancé was one of the hardest things I've been through and could really use some support and encouragement.

 

Where to begin? I was dating a cocaine addict. As you can imagine most of the relationship was filled with lies. When the relationship first began, there were barely any fights. Fights started to happen when I found out that she had stayed overnight at a male friends house, and I assumed she was doing cocaine because she didn't come home. The next day she didn't show up to work. I went to her work, she wasn't there. Then got a text message later saying she was at work (lie) and she couldn't wait to see me after. I knew she didn't go to work and she tried to lie to me and tell me she did. Only until i proved she didn't , then she admitted.

After this I always had that feeling like she did cheat, but could never prove it. She did do cocaine and MDMA and drank. And after this our relationship was never the same. I had trust issues, and these awfully strong gut instincts that i KNEW something happened. But she was very good in letting me to believe that what i was thinking wasn't true. She was very good at manipulating me in all sorts of ways e.g..) making me feel bad for fights, or for wanting to talk about certain problems in our relationship. I see this now, but even though I see it and hear this it is very hard for me to move past the mind set that was drilled into me.

 

Anyways, I had a hard time trust issue wise moving past it, I felt like some days I would distance myself because the intuition would return. Now that I was aware of her cocaine use, it caused many fights, she tried to get help and be sober, but that failed. As she was in AA, I found that I as her partner would try to keep her grounded, try to help her by suggesting other places to go rather than places that involved alcohol, I guess to her it seemed as if I was being controlling or something and so she started to rebel...as she says.

 

Obviously I'm not a perfect person and made mistakes in how I handles situations and fights, but after I lost trust, I should've ended it but I continued to try because I thought her love was real for me.

 

So a few days ago, I found out that my fiancé was pregnant and that it was not my child. I was pretty devastated to hear this, knowing I was cheated on. Apparently I had been cheated on 4 times. And even as I was trying to get information to make sense of it all, she was still lying.

I wanted closure and so I was asking questions that may have clarified things, and she seemed like she didn't know anything anymore at that point.

 

It hurts to know I was betrayed, and it makes me feel worthless. She basically told me she cheated because she didn't think she would get caught...so that was a blow. We actually had a very good sex life so it made me wonder what i did wrong..put self blame on me.

She always talked how she loved that we didn't have issues like other couples, but yet we did...

 

throughout the relationship she would think we fought, when really most of the time we never did, but admitted to over reacting on the smallest things thinking we fought, and then feeling victimized went and did drugs and alcohol behind my back and whatever else.

 

*I also just want to mention that a lot of her characteristics and how she treated me fall directly into the narcissistic/borderline personality disorder criteria. I have examples that match it to a T. Its hard to feel like the blame for so long, and that your partner seems to not really care about how you feel or anything like that.

 

I feel all alone going through this now....I don't know where to start. I could really use some encouragement.

[Jersey born raised]

This site is recommended http://narcissistsupport.com/going-gray-rock/

 

Used the advance search function to search for the poster "downtown". His advise tends to be very good.

[Downtown]

I was dating a cocaine addict.... a lot of her characteristics and how she treated me fall directly into the narcissistic/borderline personality disorder criteria.

JD, I want to join Jersey in welcoming you to the LoveShack forum. I agree with you that you're describing some behavioral symptoms (i.e., warning signs) for NPD and, to a lesser extent, BPD. I nonetheless caution that, while a person is abusing cocaine or other drugs, it is unclear whether the PD traits are causing the drug abuse or vice versa. With BPDers, for example, 66% of the women (and 81% of the men) have a substance abuse disorder. Yet, most substance use abusers don't exhibit strong BPD traits. Only about 10% do. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.

 

I mention this distinction because, even if your ex-fiance does exhibit full-blown BPD traits, it is unclear whether they are so persistent that they preceded her drug use -- or, instead, are simply a flareup of her otherwise normal BPD traits that is caused by the drug usage. That is, even if she exhibits full-blown BPD traits, it is unclear whether she is one of the 66% of female BPDers abusing a substance -- or, instead, is one of the 10% of nonBPDers whose drug usage causes their BPD traits to flareup to a strong level.

 

She was very good in letting me to believe that what i was thinking wasn't true. She was very good at manipulating me in all sorts of ways....

Skillful manipulation and gaslighting are far more indicative of NPD behaviors than BPD behaviors. Although BPDers tend to be very controlling, it is largely done at the subconscious level in response to their fears. Moreover, they tend to be too impulsive and reactive (to whatever they are feeling at the moment) to be very skillful at manipulation. To be successful, manipulation usually requires careful planning and flawless execution.

 

I guess to her it seemed as if I was being controlling or something and so she started to rebel...as she says.

Perhaps you were. Yet, if she really does have strong traits of NPD, this accusation likely was a deliberate attempt to manipulate you. On the other hand, if she were to have strong BPD traits, this accusation likely originated in her subconscious and was projected onto you -- with the result that she would firmly believe it to be true.

 

It hurts to know I was betrayed, and it makes me feel worthless.

That's just a feeling, albeit an intense one. You have the option of believing it or not, i.e., of intellectually challenging its validity. Don't believe it.

 

I don't know where to start. I could really use some encouragement.

JD, I suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Jersey in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot the warning signs for BPD or NPD will NOT enable you to diagnose your ex-fiance's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for PDs may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her. Take care,

[JustDreaming]

Thank you both for your response-

 

Downtown : Most of the signs do sound familiar, but almost all of the NPD signs sound closer to the ideal. It is possible that it might be a mix of both.

 

Although she is exhibiting a selfish attitude, always put herself before thinking about me.

-Would promise and talk, and talk about doing nice things for me but never would go through with it.

 

-Would lie even about the most insignificant things, even if there was nothing to lie about, and then tell me the reason she didn't want to tell me is cause she felt like I would judge her. Even AFTER, i told her I was not judging her, the lies still continued. The lies came as frequent as she breathed air, and would never admit to them until solid proof was shown.

 

-In terms of cheating, her response was "I cheated because I didn't think I'd get caught". Her cheating , she'd disappear and then the next day she would tell me she loved me and went on about the relationship like nothing even happened.

 

-When I would confront or talk about cheating she would get very defensive, and sometimes even make me feel guilty for talking about cheating and told me that it would push her away.

 

-When I caught her in lies about using cocaine, she would deny it to my face until I presented her with proof

 

-She turns things around on me i.e.) I knew she bought drugs, and when I asked her about it, she got defensive on me and told me that I really need to trust her and stop blaming her, this then ended with me upset and feeling sorry for starting an argument with her and feeling guilt that I didn't trust her even when I saw proof that she was still buying drugs.

 

-She basically blamed me for her not getting over her addiction, and pushing her harder to stay clean. She told me I could've tried harder.--but that wasn't my decision to be clean, it was hers and I can't force her to do anything she doesn't want to.

 

-Asking me for money, because she spent it all on alcohol or drugs, and couldn't pay her rent. and when I asked for money back (because she said she'd pay me back) it was like she didn't want to pay me back.

 

-She always wanted to be the centre of attention, and when meeting new people she would exaggerate the importance of her work or anything else she was doing with her life

-she would get jealous if I would hang out with her friends

-she would get jealous if I was better than her at something

-She would get jealous if I had money to spend and she didn't

 

These are all examples of things she has done in our relationship.

hope that helps..

[MrBojangles]

JD,

 

Remember this, drug addicts will ALWAYS lie, blame shift, cheat, steal, and use people! They will do anything to further their addiction, even at the expense of people that love them.

 

You must not blame yourself, or allow yourself to be blamed for her addiction, lying or cheating. This is all on her, 100%! She will say and tell you anything at this point to make you feel guilty. This is what drug addicts do. She's responsible for her own actions, and addiction. She chose to lie, cheat and get knocked-up! That's all on her.

 

I hope that you can find the strength to cut her off, and begin to heal.

[salparadise]

You might want to look into histrionic PD of the disingenuous sub-type. Your description of how she lies almost by default and then stands on it until confronted with hard evidence, apparently unrestrained by conscience or remorse or social convention, suggests antisocial features, perhaps combined with skilled manipulation, as is sometimes found in this group. article-diagram

[SixxChick]

Let me introduce you to Beverly Banov Brown.

 

 

She has a ton of great videos (and I love that she talks off the cuff without notes) that will teach you about narcs, and that you are looking for logic where logic simply does not exist. I've been there. I'm still kind of there. I think that you and I have learned that there are TAKERS in life. We expect the energy we expend will be reciprocated. Well, sometimes that's just not the case. It stings, and hurts like hell. My hope for you is an expedient recovery from this relationship.

 

Strength and honor.

[bluefeather]

Let me introduce you to Beverly Banov Brown.

 

 

She has a ton of great videos (and I love that she talks off the cuff without notes) that will teach you about narcs, and that you are looking for logic where logic simply does not exist. I've been there. I'm still kind of there. I think that you and I have learned that there are TAKERS in life. We expect the energy we expend will be reciprocated. Well, sometimes that's just not the case. It stings, and hurts like hell. My hope for you is an expedient recovery from this relationship.

 

Strength and honor.

 

Thanks for the link.

[SixxChick]

You are welcome, bluefeather. I am in no way attached or affiliated with this woman. But her videos have helped and guided me in immense ways.

 

Remember. Do not look for logic where logic does not exist.

 

Blessings, strength and honor to you.

[JustDreaming]

Let me introduce you to Beverly Banov Brown.

 

 

She has a ton of great videos (and I love that she talks off the cuff without notes) that will teach you about narcs, and that you are looking for logic where logic simply does not exist. I've been there. I'm still kind of there. I think that you and I have learned that there are TAKERS in life. We expect the energy we expend will be reciprocated. Well, sometimes that's just not the case. It stings, and hurts like hell. My hope for you is an expedient recovery from this relationship.

 

Strength and honor.

 

Love the videos, thanks SixxChick.

I am doing some reading on narcs and BPD to help myself come to terms and get a better understanding of what I was dealing with. So this is pretty spot on. Appreciate it!

[SixxChick]

I wish I had been armed with this information about narcs before I lost my dignity trying to figure out a bunch of nonsense. I had a combo plate ... my ex suffered from depression, anxiety attacks, and narcissistic behavior to a tee. It was time for the rose-colored glasses to come off. But it was still kind of a mindf*ck to come to the realization that you can't rescue someone who doesn't want to be rescued. At least he is paying me back the $6,000 he owes me. But I hate that it keeps me in contact with him (limited to texts when he informs me that he has dropped off his monthly payment). Anyway, lesson learned. Thanks for listening! Stay strong!!!