The Ups and Downs, Vol. II

[Conclude]

I've spent the last few days reading KBarletta's story, and the man resonates a significant amount of strength. I wanted to take on the torch and continue his style of therapy, as I now am faced with the same insurmountable task of separation with little hope of reconciliation. To say that I am faultless would be arrogant, and to say that my wife is heartless would be just the same. But still, I find myself on this path. And so, I am here to keep a journal and hopefully maintain it, so that others can learn from my experience as I have learned from KBarletta's. To you, KB, thank you for showing me that I can have strength in this nightmare.

 

My story: This will be long winded.

 

My wife and I have been married for 5 years, together 6. We have a beautiful 4 year old daughter. We met when we were in the military, I a soldier, her an airman. We fell deeply in love with each other, and over the course of a year, would end up marrying. Soon, we would become pregnant, and decide to make the transition back to civilian life to give our daughter an opportunity to have a stable life in one location. My wife struggled with post-partum after our child and what I believe to be job-related PTSD. We both had our ups and downs in the relationship, given how difficult our situation has been the last 4 years. From transitioning to a civilian lifestyle (which I compare to being institutionalized at times:o), to both of us going to college, to say it has been rough on our marriage is probably an understatement.

 

She has graduated last year, and gotten a job, which she just finished training for. I am still pursuing my degree with a year left. We recently bought a house together after deciding despite our rocky marriage in this transition, that we were committed to each other. Not even 1 night after she got back from her training for her new job (which lasted a few months), we got into a massive argument and the rhetorical question of divorce was brought up by me. Of course, I was in the heat of emotions and it slipped out in mutually assured destruction fashion, but still it came out. After a few days of arguing, it came out that she did want to separate. I tried to talk her out of it as I came back to my senses, but then she confessed that she had not been happy for the last few years, and that they were not a good indicator for the future.

 

Of course, we have been here before, and been to counseling, which solved our issue the first time, but our mistake was that we didn't keep going. She thanked me for sticking it out and staying with her during that time she wanted to separate, and it seemed our problems were fixed, but the added stress of getting a new job, me going through the toughest part of my degree, and taking care of our daughter has taken a toll.

 

We did end up separating, and tomorrow will be the first month that we have been apart. The first week was pure emotional turmoil, and I tried everything to rectify the situation. I have completely dropped drinking, I have completely dropped gaming, I had begun to work out, slowly increasing my intensity before the separation, but now I have fully committed and lost 15 pounds, with no intention to stop. I begged and pleaded with her (mistake 1.), tried to get her to tell me a decision for our marriage (mistake 2.), I tried showering her with generosity and attention (mistake 3.), and all of the mistakes that it almost seems stereotypical to make in this situation.

 

What started out as a (poorly selected)rhetorical question in the heat of argument, turned into a completely blindsided retort of true separation from her. We have agreed to remain amicable no matter what happens. But so many things have happened in this month that give me the signs that it may truly be over. I have hope to reconcile, but I am mentally preparing myself for the worst.

 

I agreed to move out so that we could begin our separation period. I regret this decision, but I could never afford our house alone while in school, even with GI bill benefits. I am now living with my parents at 28 years old, which is humbling to say the least. We have remained fairly civil in respect to handling our daughter's issues. We have agreed to remain as amicable as possible if we divorce, and agree on 50/50 custody, and handling as much stuff as possible on our own ( I still plan on seeing a lawyer to know my rights ).

 

To me, I know we argued, but we usually got through it. I may have pushed her over the edge mentioning the D word, but it still doesn't add up. The confusion of being best friends one day, to extremely limited contact on her part at first, and now from me as I learn.

 

One incident that stands out, is that we agreed to not tell our families at first, in case we could work things out. During this time, she began talking to one of her male friends from training, confiding in him, and talking for many hours a day. Texting all the time. I know this, because I checked our phone bill on a gut instinct, and to my dismay stumbled upon these calls and texts. Both incredibly abnormal amounts. I confronted her about it, when she told me that we both needed to make sure we spend quality time with our daughter, yet she spent the entire time our daughter was out of day care talking to this guy, until she called me after putting our daughter to sleep. This is what led me to the confrontation. I sent her articles on emotional affairs, and explained that this was essentially that. Now I am convinced that something either happened at training, or has happened after separation. I asked her for no contact with him, to which she agreed and has upheld, but there is always skype, email, and her work phone. She tells me that nothing happened, and she has no feelings for him, but it is hard to believe, though I am trying.

 

I felt terrible for going to this level of snooping, but if I hadn't and she hasn't had an affair, would this have escalated? I am sure of it. The reasonable suspicion from her previously contacting this guy and me confronting her before while she was still in training is the real kicker though. So now, I've been trying to curb this behavior on my part, as ultimately, she is her own person and I have no desire to control her.

 

Ultimately, after fighting a maelstrom of emotion within myself, and finally settling down to the reality of the situation, I have come to terms that one of two things will happen. We will divorce, or we will reconcile. My biggest fear for this whole event is how our 4 year old daughter will be effected by this. She is already showing signs of the disruption in her life. She says things to both of us that hurt our feelings ( we are doing 50/50 custody right now ). I am trying to not talk about divorce in front of my daughter, and spend the available time I have with her. She is my main priority, with reconciling or moving on as my second, and finishing school as my third.

 

I have already put in place extremely limited contact with her, for my own personal sanity. I've limited talking to financial issues, the discussion of counseling, and corresponding about our daughter. I am going to individual counseling myself, and it has helped me to see that I may be blaming myself too much for leading up to this separation. I have read 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus', and it has helped me understand that my wife and I never had good communication with each other. She has it at the moment, and will return it to me when she is done, as I plan on reading it for the rest of my days.

 

Getting through the first month was definitely the hardest thing I have ever done. Trying to focus on school work, while she was gone at training was hard, as I had to take care of our kid, do the legal work for buying our house, prepare our house for moving in, move all of our big stuff, and take care of my daughter 5 days a week without her, all while going to school full time. Then, after she finished training, I was in the midst of many projects, and this bombshell got dropped on our relationship. So, school has been very hard to focus on, especially with finals this week.

 

It truly feels like my most treasured family member has died, but then risen again as undead and still lingers. I am starting to finally get over the initial shock of it, but it is still hard to focus. I will be trying to go out with friends more. I have a golf outing this weekend with one last final on Monday.

 

She will begin counseling mid may, individually and has told me that whether or not we can fix our relationship will be decided by her after she has had some counseling. I believe I have convinced her that we need to go to marriage counseling before making the call, and that divorce should be a last resort.

 

She has told me, that she still loves me (as the father of her child), has remained friendly for the most part, but that she is just beyond frustrated with me as a husband. I can understand the things she is frustrated about, but most of it truly is environmental ( we've both been in school and extremely busy transitioning ). I am not disregarding the pain she has likely been suffering for the last few years, but I have made steps to sacrifice some of my personal happiness in order to finish school and spend more time with her in the event that we get back together.

 

This post is kind of sporadic, as there have been too many emotions in the past month to truly piece together a timeline, but this is the general gist of what has been happening. I recently began reading through the forum, and decided that I will document my experience here, in a similar fashion to KBarletta, for others to read. I believe that things will get better, they already have for me, but I am still grieving at the moment. I hope that chronicling this experience will help me grow stronger as an individual and benefit others as they begin to go through this experience.

 

To those who have gone before me, I feel your pain as you did at the beginning, but I have seen that you had the strength to make it through. So I will follow in your footsteps and begin the path of healing myself, knowing that you made it through as better men and women.

[butterfly1958]

My thoughts are with you.....live by your priorities and values and learn discernment from this challenge as you are already.....blessings....

[Conclude]

Thank you Butterfly. The mere contact with others in this situation in any way is a true source of strength. To know that we may feel alone in our situation, but know we are not, is a reassuring feeling that many can benefit from here by sharing their stories.

[luck1978]

Hi there Conclude, I am about 7 months into separation, with papers being filed by her, she was the one who walked out, I was not aware of her plans to leave our marriage and the roller coaster ride we go on is tough. I just want to say focus on yourself, yourself and yourself and maintain NC. Also something that helped me is to learn to surrender. Surrender to the fact it is probably over, surrender to the fact there is likely to be a divorce and surrender to the fact that there is not much you can do about this. This helps the process of acceptance, and don't blame yourself, you have no control over how someone else feels. Good luck !

[ProdigalMe]

Welcome.

 

We're listening.

[Conclude]

So today officially marks the first month of our separation. I had exams today, and my wife took our daughter to the doctors office for checkup this noon. I went to pick her up, as I have her today, and got to talking with my wife. We talked about how our daughter's visit went. Her dad had visited, and they had taken care of some yard work the last few days.

 

With the mark of the month, I had to ask her. I asked her if she loved me. She said yes. I told her I loved her as well. I dropped the question of if there was an ounce of her considering fixing our relationship. Her response was "I don't want to". This was crushing, but I maintained my composure. I reminded her that we are probably in a big rut, given our situation with school and her new job, but she remained fervent that she feels like everything she has believed about love is a lie. I assured her that I do love her, and that I have been working on myself to be more available to our relationship and family, but I can't show her that while I'm away. Still, she holds on to her belief that the last 5 years are indicators to how the future will be, and that you can't change 5 years of habits in such a short time. I was crushed beyond words on the inside, and still feel this way now.

 

We have agreed to 50/50 custody throughout this, but on monday, I asked her about listing my mothers house as the primary residence for her to go to a school in this district. She adamantly refused saying "I won't allow that" and reminded me of the situation today, saying she would spend every penny to fight that. I don't want to keep our daughter from her, and I believe she misunderstood me, as I definitely want 50/50 legal and physical custody.

 

I truly believe that my wife is in a rut right now, as she passed most of her classes in training, but still has to take one more test to get her certification that she didn't pass. That with our rough transition and my own difficulties dealing with the stresses has definitely put us in the rut that we are in now. Still, I am standing my ground as of now, until we get to counseling together.

 

It truly is a somber task to be in this position. I want nothing more than a whole family where we are happy again, but I know that this is likely a pipedream at this point.

 

She is hardening up to me, and the thought of reconciliation does not look to be anywhere in her future plans. I will be talking to a lawyer next week to make sure I have my bases covered in the event that this gets ugly, though I truly wish to remain amicable. All I want for my wife is for her to be happy, but I have to take care of myself too.

 

I have my third individual counseling appointment tomorrow, and I have decided to shift focus from reconciling my marriage and figuring out what I did wrong, to coping with the situation and finding my own personal strength to try and be positive in this experience.

 

I am down, I am not suicidal, but I wouldn't lie if when reviewing my options for life, that at the darkest corner of my mind, there is always the out. I know better than to even consider that though, but it is still something I feel I need to get out in this journal. I know that I have much more to look forward to in life, and that I want to be here for my daughter as she grows up. I know I will find happiness again eventually. But if any of you find yourself thinking about these thoughts the slightest, treat them like they are... Intrusive thoughts and nothing more. Life is too precious to throw away even over some of the worst pains.

 

Have a good day all, I will be making pizza with my daughter tonight and going out for ice cream!

[Conclude]

Minimal contact, only child related, is starting to become incredibly hard. The mere fact that we are not talking at all, really, is stirring new emotions. It's getting easier by the day to deal with this, but the reality of the situation keeps becoming clearer and clearer.

 

I spent some time with one of my good friends yesterday, just to get out of the house. We strolled about town, with him filling me in on lots of the little things going on in his life, and spent some time browsing the book stores. I've decided to try and get a job this summer, until the Fall semester begins. I have classes lined up for the summer, but I am ready to drop them for the job.

 

I have been working to change habits that crept in due to being in a rut with school work, buying a house, and solo parenting for the two and half months prior to separation. With this semester coming to a close, I've been spending more time taking care of myself and my surroundings. I started smoking cigarettes again when this began last month, as an alternative to drowning myself in alcohol, and now am making my first serious attempt to quit(4 years of quitting prior to this incident). My plan now, is whenever I want a cigarette, I knock out 20 pushups and 20 crunches instead. If I still want one after that, I suppose I'll just do the exercises again. I plan on probably breaking down and smoking again, as this is typically how stopping cold turkey worked for me last time, but usually smoking cigarettes again after a few days reminds you how disgusting they are and actually helped me quit last time.

 

I sadly did not get to golf today, as the weather has been stormy, but we have postponed to Tuesday instead. It always seems like some of the days you are the most down are accentuated by stormy weather. It always reminds me of when I was a young soldier seeing Alice in Chains in concert, and as they began playing "Rain When I Die", it had started raining and Jerry Cantrell opened up with "It always rains when we play this song.." Touche, Jerry, touche.

 

I am dreading the month of May. I have a lot of downtime this month between getting a job or starting up summer classes. I plan on preoccupying myself with exercise, counseling, spending time with friends, reading, creating music, and working on my intended career skillset, but I fear that even all these things will not be enough to preoccupy my mind.

 

Every day drags along, seemingly an eternity. I wish there were some switch that I could just flip to make the time pass faster every now and then. The days with my daughter aren't so bad, and she is starting to rebound from her upset behavior, so that is uplifting. My wife will be going on vacation with our daughter soon, and then I'll have a week with her. My wife begins individual counseling soon afterwards, and that is when a decision will likely be made.

 

I am sad at the moment, as I still grieve for the woman my wife was, and still hold onto the hope that maybe our relationship will come out even stronger from this. However, I am trying not to place myself in a position of denial. My main goal now is to just get one foot in front of the other, and keep moving forward with my life. I've began looking at apartments for if we end up getting divorced. I would prefer a house, but time will tell what my options are once I graduate and get a job.

 

To those of you out there going through the same thing right now, keep your head up, a lot of us are in this together, so you aren't alone.

Edited May 1, 2016 by Conclude

[Why_So_Complicated]

Time is your healer here as you know. You're on your own path now with your daughter. This experience will scar you for life both in bad and good ways. I remember my first true love when i was 19-23. I was so passionate with her and loved her to the soul. So much i would now say it clouded my decisions and my well-being. Love does this to you. I'm thankful for that experience because it brought knowledge and control for my future relationships and made me who i am today. This is the hardest but it will pass as you love yourself more and more. That energy will shine for others to see. Stay strong and rediscover yourself.

I'm sure your wife is quite aware of your passion for her. I will say passion that intense usually doesn't go both ways. I remember being dragging back in multiple times after fixing myself and played a fool multiple times just because my ex was lonely. Stay strong and stick by your values and decisions. Don't let someone keep you in their back pocket to pull out and use at their whim. Make her earn your respect.

[KBarletta]

I've spent the last few days reading KBarletta's story, and the man resonates a significant amount of strength. I wanted to take on the torch and continue his style of therapy, as I now am faced with the same insurmountable task of separation with little hope of reconciliation. To say that I am faultless would be arrogant, and to say that my wife is heartless would be just the same. But still, I find myself on this path. And so, I am here to keep a journal and hopefully maintain it, so that others can learn from my experience as I have learned from KBarletta's. To you, KB, thank you for showing me that I can have strength in this nightmare.

 

Hello Conclude!

 

I am so glad to hear that you have gotten help from my story. I have been out of touch for a few days and just saw this post, but I wish you the best of luck and will be here for you, as so many others have been there for me. I can assure you that things WILL get better if you focus on the right things and keep pushing forward. Keep posting!

 

KTB

[Conclude]

Thanks KB!

 

Limbo.. I am essentially in limbo at this point. There is very little contact, and no direct answers right now. I got to spend time with my daughter the past two days and that was great! I did go golfing, and enjoyed some time out of the house. I have plans to do other things with friends, but still I have entered into what is quite clearly limbo. I had another counseling session today and tried to focus on identifying any personal issues that might be burdening me, but from my counselors point of view, I am handling this situation pretty well. Moving on without knowing though, is not my ideal course of action. I still have a few weeks before my wife has said she will start her own counseling, but I'm starting to become angry with the idea that I started counseling right away and she didn't. Her excuse was being too stressed out with work, but I was in the middle of major projects and finals(which are finally done), and still have gone 5 times now. I feel hollow inside, like I am essentially wasting away my life during this period. I'm still moving forward with school, but spiritually and emotionally, this just feels hollow. I am keeping one foot in front of the other, though, as there is really only one direction to move in, and that is forward.

[KBarletta]

Hang in there. What you're experiencing sounds perfectly normal, though that doesn't make it any easier.

I would just encourage you to remain open to whatever comes next. It's hard to keep an open heart during these times because you are so afraid of it getting broken again, but I honestly think it is the best way to get through it. Stay positive, keep going out, seeing friends and family, spending time with your daughter. You will get through this, and with time will come clarity as to what is going to happen.

Take care!

[Conclude]

Hang in there. What you're experiencing sounds perfectly normal, though that doesn't make it any easier.

I would just encourage you to remain open to whatever comes next. It's hard to keep an open heart during these times because you are so afraid of it getting broken again, but I honestly think it is the best way to get through it. Stay positive, keep going out, seeing friends and family, spending time with your daughter. You will get through this, and with time will come clarity as to what is going to happen.

Take care!

 

Thanks for the reassurance. I'm trying to keep an open heart. I'm falling into this weird thought process though... I feel like I could be happy either way. It sucks in the present, but knowing that I'll get through this if she truly has grown cold, and that I'll be happy again either alone or with someone else makes me feel like I'm in a win/win situation. Though honestly, in my mind, is it really a win if I get back with her and then this just happens again later down the road? I'm pretty confused, but I've been acknowledging some of the toxic behaviors of my wife in our relationship that have contributed to our current situation, and part of me wants to run as fast as I can. But I try to keep the idea of keeping our family together at the forefront of my mind, especially since it is still so early. But every day, divorce is looking less undesirable and more like freedom...

[Conclude]

A letter to my wife,

 

I am deeply upset by your actions in the last month and a half. Having talked with many other couples about their relationships and issues that we seem to have shared, I am disappointed that this separation is what we came to. Your willingness to so quickly separate and not try and work things out leads me to believe that I may be a second choice to you. Our daughter's struggle in this situation only increases my disappointment even further, as she is suffering through this while you elect to find yourself.

 

I am upset with you, but I refuse to hold on to long term resentment. You may need some help in regards of counseling, which I know you could have already started by now, but you choose to wait. What is postponing your decision? Do I really even want to know? I have decided that it may be time for me to truly commit to moving on, and the idea truly scares and confuses me. We are not without mutual faults in our marriage, but I really am trying to address my personal issues and have already made changes to my personal behavior that it took this to help me see.

 

But ultimately, your choices to be distant and unresponsive are provoking me to accept that it is looking like our relationship is on its way out the door. This hurts like hell, and though I never wanted it, I get closer and closer to accepting it. I am signing up for marriage counseling soon and I have invited you to join of your own volition. I don't know if it will work towards saving our marriage, but I'm sure it can at least help us come to an agreement on handling our daughter and the divorce.

 

I just hope that you will stop victimizing yourself. Having talked to my sister about when you guys hang out, I know that I'm not the only one you do it to. When our daughter is older, will you begin acting like your mother? Will you be controlling when she keeps gaining more and more independence? Will you abandon her to run away to the beach and marry your fourth husband? Will you play yourself out to be a victim to her, like when your mother visited us when our daughter was born? I hope that if we split, you won't repeat the same mistakes as your mother. I hope that you can be a truly positive role model for her, and that you will help me co-parent in a respectful manner towards each other. I will never pit her against you, but there will be a day when she asks why we got divorced, and I will tell her the truth. I won't bad mouth you, but I won't lie about it either.

 

If there truly is another man mixed in this equation, then I will be the most disappointed in you in this situation. Like I said, I will hold no resentment, but I will also lose a large portion of my respect for you. I have already told you that I won't compete with another man for your affection, and if that is the case, then I will cut my losses and ensure my daughter gets the attention she needs while she is with me. You have been cheated on before though, in another relationship. I hope you can remember that pain and know the resolution you received from knowing the truth. I hope that if this is what you are doing, you can have the responsibility to tell me, so that I can have the closure in knowing the truth.

 

I love you, wife, but the way you have been treating me this last month, and some of the transgressions that have been going on, I will not tolerate anymore. I have one last chance for you to own up and tell me that this was a mistake, and that you want to fix things for our relationship to grow stronger. But this last chance will not be given away to you lightly. You will have to show me that you are serious about reconciling and fixing the damage that we have done to each other through the last few years. You will never read this letter, but I had to write it still. I wrote it for myself and for our daughter. I am gaining the strength to face this challenge, and every day I grow stronger.

 

My wounds are still fresh, but I will not lay down and suffer anymore. If you won't respect our marriage, then I will continue this year of solitude and celibacy. There are only 10 and a half months left before we can file. I've endured long years of hardship before, this is nothing new to me. If we are to end it, I will be happy again. I will find someone to share my life with again when I am ready. I will ensure that on my side of parenting, our daughter will have a good role model, and that I will give her an example of what true love looks like. I can do all of these things with you, but there are some issues we will have to address. If you can't address them, then I am sorry for any pain I caused you in our relationship. I am a strong person and I am worthy. I will not be disrespected anymore. I am humble, but I am not to be taken advantage of. My tolerance and patience are not weakness.

 

Respectfully,

Your Husband

[KBarletta]

Conclude,

 

Did you actually send this letter, or was this an exercise to organize and try to understand your own thoughts and feelings?

[Conclude]

Conclude,

 

Did you actually send this letter, or was this an exercise to organize and try to understand your own thoughts and feelings?

 

I haven't sent her this letter, nor do I plan to. I might tell her if she comes to a decision that ends in divorce, but it was more for me to vent.

[Conclude]

I got to spend some time with friends out of town for half a week. It was a much needed change to local scenery and spending some time on the beach was much needed. Lately, I've been feeling a lot better about life. I passed all my classes from last semester, and have been steadily staying in shape and managing stress well. I am still the only one going to counseling, limited contact has been established and I'm sticking with it. Nothing but finances and daughter talk for the moment. I am still in limbo for the moment. I am starting to grow more and more distant with my wife, and with my confidence rising, I'm getting nervous about growing too far apart on my end. I'm approaching the two month mark in two weeks and soon it will be the three month, four month, etc.

 

While time feels eternal in the present, it really is starting to pass. I know that I will be through this soon enough, one way or another. I am spending this week with my daughter and it should be a good time to talk with her, teach her, and go out with her. She has been improving with her behavior as time goes on, so I think she is starting to get over her own initial grief of the situation.

 

I hope you others are holding up and getting through your situations, time really is making it easier.

[Conclude]

Today I find out if my wife keeps her job or not. She is performing her last chance at a test that will decide if she stays or loses her job. I felt like last night was the calm before the storm, as I am worried about the outcome. I hope for my daughter's sake that she passes and keeps a steady income. I am fearful of her not passing though, as this could potentially cause her to become unstable. I want to be there for her, but we have drifted so far apart, and I don't know if it would be healthy for me in our low contact phase.

 

I have been holding up ok. I find myself losing drive lately, the weight of everything still bears down on me. There is no longer any form of emotional roller coaster, but now it is more like a slow burn pain under the surface. This week with my daughter has been pretty good though! She is definitely experiencing things on a much better level than she was initially. She keeps trying to tell me to go back home though, and that I can "come live with her and mommy", and it's the hardest thing not to explain to her why. This whole time I've been extremely adamant about not bad mouthing my wife, especially to my daughter, and ensuring that we both love her. I've been avoiding explaining why her mom and dad don't live together anymore, other than leaving it at "we are both in time out from each other". But it hurts to see her still have hope when hope for reconciliation seems so far from the outcome.

 

I've continued working out. I have gone from 210 lb's down to 185 through dieting and exercise, and my six pack is starting to come back! While other women aren't really on my mind at all, and the thought of entering a new relationship is extremely daunting, I'll at least be stud muffin by the time that rolls around. I would love to be my wife's stud muffin though..

 

My resume has been submitted in for a new job, and I've decided to take a stab at going to school and working for the rest of my college. It will be hard to balance things out, but I know I can do it.

 

Life is really starting to feel grey now, however. The downtime between semesters and the emotional taxes of all of this are taking their toll on my long term mental health. On my way back from my trip last week, I spent a good portion of my drive crying due to an album that had come on. Rather than fight it, I embraced it and felt like it was probably the healthiest thing I could've done at the time.

 

I have decided to continue individual counseling for myself, and I will not take the initiative on marriage counseling anymore. I'm leaving the ball in my wife's court and if she chooses to come back and consider keeping our family whole, I will react accordingly.

 

To the other members: I am reading all of your stories and offering advice when I have the time, so just remember that there are those of us out there that are listening. I hope everyone has a good day.

[KBarletta]

On my way back from my trip last week, I spent a good portion of my drive crying due to an album that had come on. Rather than fight it, I embraced it and felt like it was probably the healthiest thing I could've done at the time.

 

Personally, I think this is the right approach. I can remember about a year ago watching a TV program (one of David Letterman's last shows) where a singer performed a very touching "goodbye" tribute song, and I totally lost it. I cried for a good 20 minutes and, like you, let it all happen without fighting it.

 

I think this is where the growth happens, when you let yourself feel the emotions of the moment, experience them and let them flow without fighting them, you are able to understand them better, you can move on from them better. It's like a hose - you let all the water drain out and the pressure doesn't build up. Maybe that's a bad analogy. But I do think there is value in doing what you did.

 

As for the rest of your story, I think it is only natural for you to have these feelings of sadness, uncertainty, regret, all of those emotions are going to come and go. My wife and I have been apart of a year and a half, our D was final months ago, and I still have moments where I feel like I would take her back if she asked. They aren't often (and I know that is not what I really want), but it is natural when you have been with someone for so long and built a life together.

 

Just know that those feelings will come, but they will be less and less frequent as time goes by. And if you keep working on yourself, becoming a better person, a better dad, working out, keeping busy, etc., before you know it you will have a life that you love and a cloud will have lifted.

 

I can't promise that the pain will ever go away completely (mine still has not) but I can say that if you stick to what you've been doing, there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Hang in there!

 

KTB

[Conclude]

I'm in a predicament. I asked my wife to meet up this upcoming week so we could split finances and find out if she kept her job or not. I just wanted to do this and be on my way, but she has invited me out to coffee on Friday and I reluctantly accepted. Now I'm not sure I really want to go, but it could be a way to build rapport with each other again. I feel more likely, though, that it will be a major set back, and nothing more than her just trying to be friends at this point. I have no real desire to be friends if we are going to split, but only to remain cordial and not hostile. This feels like it has the potential to be a MAJOR setback for me.

 

I need some advice from anyone willing. Should I go get coffee with her or call it off and meet up only for finances?

[luck1978]

Hey Conclude, I have been in this situation, and yes it will be a major setback. This usually sets in after you say goodbye so prepare for that. I would suggest not a formal setting like a coffee as you will be sitting face to face and this is hard. Instead meet where you can walk and talk, at least then you are moving and there are other distractions and you can breath better.

 

Good luck

[KBarletta]

I'm in a predicament. I asked my wife to meet up this upcoming week so we could split finances and find out if she kept her job or not. I just wanted to do this and be on my way, but she has invited me out to coffee on Friday and I reluctantly accepted. Now I'm not sure I really want to go, but it could be a way to build rapport with each other again. I feel more likely, though, that it will be a major set back, and nothing more than her just trying to be friends at this point. I have no real desire to be friends if we are going to split, but only to remain cordial and not hostile. This feels like it has the potential to be a MAJOR setback for me.

 

I need some advice from anyone willing. Should I go get coffee with her or call it off and meet up only for finances?

 

I think it does have the potential to be a setback, depending on how you handle it. If your goal is to remain cordial, at some point you are going to have to be able to interact with her in this manner without triggering unhealthy emotions. The question is, are you ready for that? I suspect not? I would try to find out more about her intentions as to this coffee meeting. If it is just to determine the split of finances, can you do it through a mediator, or are you trying to avoid third-party involvement? Is there any way you can conduct these discussions via e-mail, or is that too complicated and impersonal?

 

If her intention is to try to remain friends and you are not interested in doing that, I would make that very clear. Are you interested in reconciliation as yet? If so, make it clear that you are not interested in being friends, that you will be polite and respectful for the sake of your children, but that is the extent of it.

 

I wish you luck. I am still not at the point where I could sit across the table from my exW and not have a flood of emotions come back. Which is why I keep my distance from her at all times and conduct all business via e-mail and text/phone.

 

Best of luck to you.

KTB

[Conclude]

So, it's been a while since I've last updated. At the end of this month, it'll be four months of separation. I've been seeing a counselor weekly for a few months now. I've really gotten a lot more of a hold on my situation. My wife and I did try to do a few lunches together, but ultimately she decided that she wanted a divorce. So now, I'm working on finishing my degree and still working out.

 

Things do get better, life becomes easier to get back to being positive. I think the best thing to happen, was regaining an appetite and eating normal again. My sincere advice, is that the 180 no contact/low contact method will not salvage your relationship, but it will put you in a place of sanity. Go work out. Go hang out with friends and go on trips. These are the things that will help you pull yourself up by the bootstraps.

 

As for my closure.. I've tried reasoning with my wife, everything, I even confronted her telling her that I wasn't willing to go back to the way things were before. Ultimately though, I think she gave up, as she hasn't been to counseling and doesn't want to go to marriage counseling either. At the end of the day, it takes two. For me now, it is a countdown until the divorce. We still have financial issues to deal with when the day comes, and they will be a headache, but at this point, I just want out. I will keep posting, though my frequency will really be based on what's happening, and not much is going on other than knocking out classes! One year left of school..

[JCurley]

Can you provide us with an update??