Is it overwhelming for ladies in bars?

[jen1447]

It's been my experience that most people I've encountered in such venues don't want to be approached. Perhaps it's my community I suppose. That's why I seek out events where people ARE opened at all times to being approached.

 

Depends on the type of bar you go to of course. Corner bar maybe not so much, club more likely.

 

Also being approachable still doesn't mean you want to be approached by everyone. It's not a red light/green light - open for business/closed type thing. Everyone has preferences and tastes, and if you or anyone don't happen to fit, you'll get the off sign while others may get the on sign.

[GemmaUK]

Depends on the type of bar you go to of course. Corner bar maybe not so much, club more likely.

 

Also being approachable still doesn't mean you want to be approached by everyone. It's not a red light/green light - open for business/closed type thing. Everyone has preferences and tastes, and if you or anyone don't happen to fit, you'll get the off sign while others may get the on sign.

 

Agreed Jen.

It's about looking around gaining eye contact on a few occasions, getting a smile.

Without social cues o interest then don't approach.

 

There are occasions where a dead cold approach could work because you only have one chance but in a bar setting people are there or a while so the cues are what to approach upon.

[Imajerk17]

Well, in fairness to LookAtThisPOst, I suspect that what he is getting at is that it makes no sense to him (and to many other guys actually) that a single woman who would like to meet a man for a relationship, seems to have so many restrictions on when "a good time" to approach her would be. Keep in mind that we single men tend to not be nearly so restrictive on when would be an appropriate time to talk to us. If we are looking to meet someone, then we are open to talking to a cute girl pretty much whenever. In a way we are astoundingly easy

 

But in reality the way it all works out is pretty simple. If you have just enough confidence and you can read social cues effectively it isn't hard to suss out who is interested in talking to you more and who is not. Some people will be interested and some others will not, and it hardly matters why they aren't interested, really. When someone is not interested you tell them to have a fun night and move on.

Edited April 28, 2016 by Imajerk17

[GemmaUK]

To be honest I don't get approached as in for a date.

The 'approaches' I get are just a compliment, not an approach a such 'you're beautiful' 'love your hair' - that kind of thing.

 

I don't shut down when these happen and always smile and say thanks.

 

Those I have dated tend to come from each of us getting to know each other - familiarity.

Or from online which so far has only supplied to me the needy, clingy, doesn't look like their photos......etc... ad infinitum.

 

ETA: I don't care where someone approaches me either.

Edited April 28, 2016 by GemmaUK

[Imajerk17]

To be honest I don't get approached as in for a date.

The 'approaches' I get are just a compliment, not an approach a such 'you're beautiful' 'love your hair' - that kind of thing.

 

I don't shut down when these happen and always smile and say thanks.

 

Those I have dated tend to come from each of us getting to know each other - familiarity.

Or from online which so far has only supplied to me the needy, clingy, doesn't look like their photos......etc... ad infinitum.

 

GammaUK--I suspect a good fraction of the guys who approach you with a compliment actually were hoping it would spark into an interaction that would lead to a date. They just didn't know how to go from "you're beautiful" or "love your hair" to a conversation beyond that.

 

(That wasn't on you or anything--you were friendly to them. And so if they were interested in getting to know you, then it's on them to lead the interaction that way--and then of course take your cues as to whether you are interested or not.)

Edited April 28, 2016 by Imajerk17

[GemmaUK]

GammaUK--I suspect a good fraction of the guys who approach you with a compliment actually were hoping it would spark into an interaction that would lead to a date. They just didn't know how to go from "you're beautiful" or "love your hair" to a conversation beyond that. That wasn't on you or anything--you were friendly to them. And so if they were interested in getting to know you, then it's on them to lead the interaction that way--and then take your cues as to whether you are interested or not.

 

I have no idea but certainly those type of compliments were lovely, unexpected, respectful and yup, from men who initially based on looks and on how they delivered the compliments I may well have been up for a date.

However, it never goes beyond my thank you.

I have been with friends when tis has happened and one (not a real friend - a now ex lodger) her facial expression was probably enough when he said it to stop the guy saying anything else! Lol!

Check out Paul Eckman's work or for the easier but also brilliant option Lie To Me on Netflix with Tim Roth. )

[GemmaUK]

Sorry, double post happened whilst attempting to edit typos..

Edited April 28, 2016 by GemmaUK

[basil67]

I'd be kind of curious as to why a someone would go to bar venue and NOT be open to being approached? I mean, all you are all doing is sitting around and drinking? Why not also get to know each other while you're there?

 

If you're not wanting to be sociable, just invite your friends over to your house to drink and listen to music.

 

Because ambiance. Because dress nicely and go out. Because I might prefer eating at the bar than cooking. Because escape the kids. Because nice to go out.

[basil67]

It's been my experience that most people I've encountered in such venues don't want to be approached. Perhaps it's my community I suppose. That's why I seek out events where people ARE opened at all times to being approached.

 

Agreed. This is why I always caution guys against trying to pick up random women.

[basil67]

Well, in fairness to LookAtThisPOst, I suspect that what he is getting at is that it makes no sense to him (and to many other guys actually) that a single woman who would like to meet a man for a relationship, seems to have so many restrictions on when "a good time" to approach her would be.

 

To be fair, most of the comments about when not to approach are probably from women who aren't looking for a partner. They've either got a partner or not wanting one.

 

That said, even if she IS looking for a partner - it's rude of her to leave her friend stranded while chatting to a new guy. It's like the real life equivalent of leaving your friend standing there while carrying on a text conversation.

[GravityMan]

Any guy who has at least half-a-brain, some semblance of intuition, and some understanding of social awareness should be able to easily tell when a woman is open to being approached or not. Whether it's at a bar or anywhere else. (Hell, that goes for anyone of either sex.) This is part of basic social skills...many guys acquire a decent grasp of this before the age of 18. I mean c'mon.

 

I suspect that the majority of guys who approach women indiscriminately actually CAN tell if the woman wants to be approached or not. They simply don't care, and have no respect for the woman's boundaries or feelings. I think that's worse than the guy merely being dumb or ignorant in the "people skills" department.

 

Also, it is very common for both women and men (regardless of status...taken, single, etc.) to go out to bars - with friends or solo - and not want to be approached by strangers. They just want to get out of the house/office, be left in peace and they enjoy the bar vibe. Same reason why folks chill out at the park or diner or plenty of other places.

[carhill]

I have a good male friend who's been a wingman on occasion and well known for overwhelming the ladies with his charm and presence. Essentially, he'll spot a couple ladies at the bar, sidle right up to them and hail the barkeep with his drink order and 'two for the ladies'. At 6'5" and 270lbs, he overwhelms almost everyone and is like a big huggy bear with a wedding ring. Women love him. I simply lulz. No matter where we've been or who the women have been, I've never seen a cross word or negative response. Women know he loves women and they like a man who loves women even if not him specifically. It works. Doesn't hurt that he's, well, comfortable and enjoys buying rounds of drinks. Myself, I'd be picking through a minefield of 'signals'. He just wades in.

[basil67]

Any guy who has at least half-a-brain, some semblance of intuition, and some understanding of social awareness should be able to easily tell when a woman is open to being approached or not. Whether it's at a bar or anywhere else. (Hell, that goes for anyone of either sex.) This is part of basic social skills...many guys acquire a decent grasp of this before the age of 18. I mean c'mon.

 

I suspect that the majority of guys who approach women indiscriminately actually CAN tell if the woman wants to be approached or not. They simply don't care, and have no respect for the woman's boundaries or feelings. I think that's worse than the guy merely being dumb or ignorant in the "people skills" department.

 

Also, it is very common for both women and men (regardless of status...taken, single, etc.) to go out to bars - with friends or solo - and not want to be approached by strangers. They just want to get out of the house/office, be left in peace and they enjoy the bar vibe. Same reason why folks chill out at the park or diner or plenty of other places.

 

Gravity Man, you are excellent

[MidwestUSA]

Because ambiance. Because dress nicely and go out. Because I might prefer eating at the bar than cooking. Because escape the kids. Because nice to go out.

 

Because kitchen floor dirty. Because dog hair under refrigerator. Because tired of Ramen noodles. Because no ingredients at home to make some of those funky shots. Because want to wear expensive cowboy boots and rack up compliments.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I wonder if "Ladies Night" is the only night in bars in which it would be appropriate to approach women? Wasn't' the origin of Ladies Night to get women to come to a venue for the men or something to that effect?

[xxoo]

I wonder if "Ladies Night" is the only night in bars in which it would be appropriate to approach women? Wasn't' the origin of Ladies Night to get women to come to a venue for the men or something to that effect?

 

Forget what night it is. Pay attention to what woman it is, and how she is acting. Is she glancing your way? Meeting your eye contact? Smiling in your direction? If so, chat her up!

 

If not, seek out someone more receptive.

[ASG]

But yet, your'e friend is working. That makes no sense. Hanging out with a friend that's working, but yet don't like people approaching as you're stuck there alone anyway?

 

I don't get it.

 

You're better off staying at home and waiting until your friend gets off work and then you could go hang.

.

 

You misunderstand. I go there because he's working. And we hang out while he IS working, but there are times where he needs to go off and do something more specific and leaves me on my own.

But I am not there to meet new people. I'm there to hang out with the people I already know... I've never gone to bars to meet new people though.

 

I guess I just fail to see what's so hard about approaching people who are there to be approached, not approaching people who aren't there to be approached, erring on the side of hello, and cutting the conversation off if they aren't interested. ASG probably sits at the bar, it's not like she's milling around where everyone is dancing or something.

 

Precisely. I'm there, usually leaning on the bar. I do look around, I like to people watch, but don't make eye contact with anyone. I'm mostly looking to see if any other friends are around (I go there so often, I've made quite a few friends, through my best friend).

[LookAtThisPOst]

You misunderstand. I go there because he's working. And we hang out while he IS working, but there are times where he needs to go off and do something more specific and leaves me on my own.

 

You've basically repeated what you said earlier and I know what you said. While do you hang out there WHILE he is working? Why not hang out after he gets off?

 

But I am not there to meet new people. I'm there to hang out with the people I already know... I've never gone to bars to meet new people though.

 

Why aren't you open to meeting new people?

[LookAtThisPOst]

I have a male friend that hangs out at local sports bars, because he's into watching football and the like.

 

He says he approaches women based on this. So if you're in a viewing area watching the game, this is a great ice breaker to talk about the teams.

 

Usually that works for him, although, he's quite attractive to begin with so maybe this is why women don't mind him approaching.

[Els]

I'd be kind of curious as to why a someone would go to bar venue and NOT be open to being approached? I mean, all you are all doing is sitting around and drinking? Why not also get to know each other while you're there?

 

If you're not wanting to be sociable, just invite your friends over to your house to drink and listen to music.

 

Is it really so inconceivable that sometimes people want to hang out with their friends and get some food/drinks OUTSIDE the house?

 

Anyway, to answer the question, most of the women I know haven't had too much trouble at bars, barring the odd drunk dude who is usually quickly whisked out by bouncers. Most people have the common sense to be able to tell who wants to be approached and who doesn't.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Is it really so inconceivable that sometimes people want to hang out with their friends and get some food/drinks OUTSIDE the house?

 

Anyway, to answer the question, most of the women I know haven't had too much trouble at bars, barring the odd drunk dude who is usually quickly whisked out by bouncers. Most people have the common sense to be able to tell who wants to be approached and who doesn't.

 

Maybe this is why the bar scene is something I gave up long ago as back then, when I would try to approach women there, they didn't have an interest in talking.

 

I think this is why I keep seeing, "Tired of the bar scene" in so many dating profiles.

 

Thus my direction went towards Meetup.

[Els]

Maybe this is why the bar scene is something I gave up long ago as back then, when I would try to approach women there, they didn't have an interest in talking.

 

I think this is why I keep seeing, "Tired of the bar scene" in so many dating profiles.

 

Thus my direction went towards Meetup.

 

If you're going to the bar JUST to meet women, then you are absolutely right to stop doing so. Pretty much everyone I know who met their partner at a bar (which admittedly isn't too frequent) had it just happen out of the blue, they were both there having a good time and something clicked. They LIKED being there, they weren't approaching it as a mission or something.

 

If you don't enjoy being in bars for its own sake, don't go.

[ASG]

You've basically repeated what you said earlier and I know what you said. While do you hang out there WHILE he is working? Why not hang out after he gets off?

 

 

 

Why aren't you open to meeting new people?

 

Because this is a live music bar. And he is the sound engineer for the bands. I like to see the bands play and am friends with most of them as well. And while they're playing, we have a chance to catch up and have a drink, as well as enjoy the music.

 

Not to mention, he finishes work after 1am. We don't always have the availability to hang out past that time. Usually he finishes work and we go home. Once in a while we'll have a few more drinks after he finishes, if the band is also staying around, but it's not the norm.

 

It's not that I'm not open to meeting new people. I do. Like new band members, for instance. Introduced by my friend.

 

What I DON'T want is someone who is hitting on me and wants to monopolise MY time, because I am there to see MY friends, not to be "taken away" by some random person.

 

I'm a smoker and have struck up many conversations in the smoking area. It's a nice way to pass the time. But those people (guys and girls), aren't gonna follow me around after and try to have one on one conversations with me. Which someone who is looking to pull will.

[jen1447]

It's actually pretty common for ppl who have friends/BFs/GFs who work at bars to hang out w/them at work. Totally different thing than hanging out w/your BF at his office job.

[LookAtThisPOst]

It's actually pretty common for ppl who have friends/BFs/GFs who work at bars to hang out w/them at work..

 

Hm, I guess that's a world I don't really bother associating with, so I don't get it.

 

I did date a woman once that hung out at the local watering hole along with her female friend, said she knew this band for a long time. I think she tried to start something romantic with one of the band members, but it didn't work out...too much drama. lol

 

I would kind of tease her calling her a groupie (even though she is 48). She claimed she wasn't a groupie though... go figure. lol Considered them to be practically family. (There's your red flag there.)

 

A guy once asked her out (not at from any bar venue) and when he went to meet her, he got irritated that she was with some friends, watching the band play at her local watering hole. He was expecting a one-on-one date.

 

Total deal breaker for him, as he was made to feel like a third wheel.