Trapped in a Spiral - Halp

[lizzl1015]

Hey, all,

 

I feel like I'm in a bit of a desperate spot. I was in a serious relationship with someone at the university I'm currently at; it ended in an ugly and sudden fashion.

 

I'll be leaving the state in a few weeks and I know I'll feel better once I'm outta here. Three cheers for that "early twenties, moving on" kind of life!

 

However, I often catch myself thinking about how "good" the future will be and doing so makes me ever more aware of how miserable the present is.

 

I saw my ex the other day and, while I can list for you 1000 red flags that made him Not The One, my heart just dropped out of my chest because he's tall and has a beard and is my type. Also, more importantly, he was (authentically or not) kind and sweet and really into commitment. I now know that I need to stop feeling this intense need to be with someone (ain't nobody got time for that) but, ugh, he makes my heart hurt. Urghblerghwhy.

 

So, when I find myself thinking about him I try to constantly remind myself that he has a lot of sh*t to work out for himself, and that I need to be compassionate with him: not angry. Also, I need to remember that I deserve someone who doesn't act like a 17 year-old, or who lies, or who is so afraid of the future he cannot, literally cannot, make plans. Again, I know compassion is key; I don't want to hate someone who is, as of right now, in a really crap spot. It makes me feel like I'm a strong person who, due to emotional reasons, is just beating up (in my head) on a really weak person who deserves forgiveness instead.

 

Yet, due to the immense stress of trying to graduate, I keep getting sucked into this weird emotional spiral where I'm so sad I feel nothing.

 

Does anyone have advice for "pushing through" the first few weeks/month(s) after a serious breakup? Any advice on how to get to happy? Because it is honestly exhausting feeling miserable and alone as often as I do, and I want to forgive him and myself so that I can move on.

 

I know I can do it, I just haven't figured out how to yet.

 

Thanks, friends!

[Souldier1234]

Dear One,

I sense you are conflicted between your head and your heart.

I do not have much to say, because even if I did, they will be just empty words to you.

 

All I can sense is that, you said:

I need to be compassionate with him: not angry.

This tells me that you do not have compassion for yourself. A lot of the times, break ups are not about the other person, but a life lesson for you.

When we get angry a lot of the times, it is because we are unhappy in the inside of our bodies, with ourselves. We cannot find inner happiness, so we seek happiness outside of our bodies, and that happiness is always short lived and always leaves you with an empty hole, forcing you to live in a loop of seeking happiness outside yourself again, when you should be happy in the inside already.

 

The mind will deceive you by always projecting that you will be happy in the future, see your mind can only think of past and future and cannot function in the present.

so when you say:

I often catch myself thinking about how "good" the future will be and doing so makes me ever more aware of how miserable the present is.

This is because, you have not found happiness by yourself. Searching inside you, because happiness begins within.

 

If you continue to keep thinking too much, or living inside your head, searching for happiness, you will continue being unhappy, in the present.

If you could just stop and listen to the sounds around you right now, the chatter or the music or the birds, or even better, the silence, you will see that happiness is everywhere, you are just choosing not be connected with it in the very present. Right now.

Edited April 28, 2016 by Souldier1234

[Raina314]

I really relate to this. I didn't want to be angry at my ex either, and aside from very brief, faint flashes of it, I never really was. While anger can help you get over someone as it's much easier when you make yourself the clear "good guy" and vilify your ex - it's very big of you to have compassion and not choose anger or hatred. I think it takes a lot of strength and I applaud you for it, as it can be a lot easier to choose bitterness or hatred.

 

That said, it does make it harder to move on, in most cases. It's good that you're leaving the state, I think that'll help you. For me, there was really nothing that helped in the first month or two, I just had to get up every day and force my way through knowing, as you do, that the future had to be better. And the future is better. Happiness does not exist without sadness and vice versa. Right now you're going to be sad, and that's okay. This isn't to say that you *can't* find happiness - some people can. But don't feel like there's something wrong with you if it takes you a little while.

 

Keep your head up and keep having faith in yourself. You already know you can do it, so that's a great start .

[amaysngrace]

I think graduating and leaving school has your emotions on overdrive right now.

 

If you see him out after finals have a beer with him and thank him for the good times. And maybe thank him for the good times even if you don't get to have that beer.