renaissancewoman Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 He doesn't want to destroy her in the process and he doesn't want me branded the 'other woman'. Um, I really wish there was Bulls**t button alongside the "Like" button for these sorts of comments. What in the world do you both think is going to happen when their marriage is done? You don't think that's going to "destroy" her? Wow! You knowingly engage in an extramarital affair with someone and he has the audacity to say he doesn't want to "destroy" his wife? Where is the logic in all of this? Do you really believe this to be true in your heart of hearts or is it just so much easier to continue lying to yourselves? I agree that you are both being weak and selfish. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrsBilliethekid Posted April 29, 2016 Author Share Posted April 29, 2016 No its not like that. She has, for want of a better phrase, kicked him out several times. It's always been him to try and initiate a reconciliation. He says 100% she will do it again because he can't / won't give her what she wants and she won't give him what he wants. Maybe he is taking the easy option but please don't think he's purposely making her miserable so she ends it, he's just waiting for the inevitable. Which he says will happen whether I'm on the scene or not. My x was just here, he threatened to murder me, he's been threatening to kill MM, I actually thought he was going to attack me. The only way I got him to leave was by saying I was phoning the police. Yes I'm selfish but MM atm is is getting me through this and giving me the strength to do what I need to do. It's a horrible situation all round. Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 No its not like that. She has, for want of a better phrase, kicked him out several times. It's always been him to try and initiate a reconciliation. He says 100% she will do it again because he can't / won't give her what she wants and she won't give him what he wants. Maybe he is taking the easy option but please don't think he's purposely making her miserable so she ends it, he's just waiting for the inevitable. Which he says will happen whether I'm on the scene or not. My x was just here, he threatened to murder me, he's been threatening to kill MM, I actually thought he was going to attack me. The only way I got him to leave was by saying I was phoning the police. Yes I'm selfish but MM atm is is getting me through this and giving me the strength to do what I need to do. It's a horrible situation all round. Billie: Let's put the A aside for a moment...your xH is very unstable and his actions are to be taken seriously. Please seek a restraining order against him, or an emergency protective order if that applies where you live, and then do not allow him into your home again. (I have no idea where you are, so the laws will vary.) His behavior is typical of someone who moves toward violence. This is a situation that must be taken seriously. As for your MM, he does not wish to get out of this marriage. "She has, for want of a better phrase, kicked him out several times. It's always been him to try and initiate a reconciliation. He says 100% she will do it again because he can't / won't give her what she wants and she won't give him what he wants. " What is there to say that he won't, 100%, try to seek reconciliation again? He has had multiple opportunities to separate and has not taken them. He does not want a divorce. I can appreciate how his presence in your life is helpful while dealing with your xH, but please don't allow him to turn your head with his promises of a future. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrsBilliethekid Posted April 29, 2016 Author Share Posted April 29, 2016 The difference this time is that he has me. He has a reason not to go back. He's taken the threats from my ex, he knows the situation and he hasn't walked. Even the anonymous letter he still wants to be with me. So he says. Maybe it will all crash round about me, only time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 He's just very blasé, still says that he wants to be with me properly and it'll happen very soon, days or weeks. He isn't rushing home to sort things out with her. He's a typical conflict avoider and has said from the start he wants her to finish it (their marriage has been in trouble long before he met me). He's angry at my ex, as although he wants their marriage over, he didn't want a DD. Poor baby! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 He doesn't want to destroy her in the process and he doesn't want me branded the 'other woman'. Their marriage is over, it's a question of when not if, and the quieter and more amicable it is, the better. This letter could be the catalyst to end it. And I know you'll all say he's talking pants but I do believe him and I'm willing to wait a while longer and see what happens. I won't wait indefinitely, I really won't. His thinking is that it's going to end, they are finished, but does not need to end spectacularly. I guess I believe him as I ended my first marriage after an extra marital affair that my xH1 knew nothing about and didn't ever find out about. I just didn't see the need. My 2nd xH is hell bent on causing as much trauma as he can despite the fact we've been split for nearly 2 years due to his infidelity!!! Yet he's acting like the injured party here, you would think I was cheating on him! Which is totally not the case. I know I sound like a horrid person with loose morals, I'm really not. Guess I'm just weak and selfish. So he says, unfortunately he doesn't have control of the situation anymore! Link to post Share on other sites
SomethingToSay Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 The difference this time is that he has me. He has a reason not to go back. He's taken the threats from my ex, he knows the situation and he hasn't walked. Even the anonymous letter he still wants to be with me. So he says. Maybe it will all crash round about me, only time will tell. But you say he says he's not leaving because of you. So which is it?? This is nothing but typical selfish heater motus operandus...avoid all consequences no matter who you hurt. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 He's doing what most of them do - acting like a horrid, selfish, uncaring, abusive man in the hopes that SHE'LL call an end to it. Because cowards like this lack the integrity to call an end to it with grace and respect. You know how they say to watch very carefully how a man treats his mother? It would behoove you to watch very closely how he's treating the woman he loved and vowed to cherish and put before all others for the rest of their lives. Instead, she's been lied to, betrayed, manipulated, gas-lighted, disrespected, disregarded, and devalued. Watch very closely, MrsBillieTheKid. Very closely. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 He doesn't want her to know about me, that's why he's denying it. But he says she will end it, it's just a question of when and things will be easier all round if that's the way it's allowed to happen. Plus he's over here, she's hundreds of miles away so all communication is on the phone atm, he's not due to go back until next weekend. Who knows how the land will lie at that stage, I'm sure she'll be investigating, I know I would be. And I may change my mind tomorrow, I seem to be changing my mind everyday in this relationship, but I'll at least give it until he's been back there and see what transpires. He owes her truth! He has to be a man, own up to what he's done, be honest with her and file for divorce. She IS going to find out about you, its better that she finds out from him than gossip or by accident. He needs to grow a pair, be an adult and tell her everything. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
loveisanaction Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 OP, seriously, why did you make this post? I mean every single person on here has said that it is glaringly obvious that your married man does not want to leave his marriage. One poster on here even went as far as giving you an example of her exit affair and how she used it to get out of her marriage, yet still you insist that your married man truly does want out of his marriage but won’t leave until his wife ends it herself. Every time someone posts something that clearly shows you that your married man loves his wife and wants to stay married to her, you defend him like a lion defends her cub. So what’s the problem? Why make this post? You’re not confused. You’ve already made up your mind that your married man does not love his wife and that he desperately wants out of his marriage, but refuses to leave his wife because he doesn’t want to destroy her. Since you’ve already made the decision to stay with your married man until his wife finally divorces him, there really was no need for this post. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 MrsB the Kid, In case you haven't see my post on another thread; I know a girl (widow) who has been waiting for 30 years for a MM to leave his wife. BS knows about AP and sits on the fence. MM sits on the fence. AP sits on the fence. Every so often MM & BS have a row and BS throws WS out. He then goes around to AP's. After so long BS begs him to go back. He goes back. Lather rinse & repeat. I asked AP why WS can't make a decision, and she says AP is waiting for BS to divorce him I asked her why in the name of sweet reason she would want to be associated with such a spineless creep and she hasn't spoken to me since. Is this really what you want for yourself? Really? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrsBilliethekid Posted April 30, 2016 Author Share Posted April 30, 2016 Ok, I asked him if and when he'll leave her. He said he will when the time is right.............. Yeah, I have a decision to make. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 Ok, I asked him if and when he'll leave her. He said he will when the time is right.............. Yeah, I have a decision to make. And that time is never going to come. He's had plenty of opportunities to leave and he hasn't. That is telling, isn't it? People who want to divorce, do so! Just go check out a thread in the marriage section http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/578255-i-m-following-my-youngest-kid-out-door, this guy is divorcing his wife after 25 years of marriage because he wants to. He's made a plan and is sticking to it. And no, there isn't anybody else waiting in the wings. Basically your MM is a sitting duck and life is good for him. He has two women to meet his needs, and he's happy enough as things are. If you want change, YOU change it up by ending it with him. Otherwise, settle in to be the OW indefinitely and accept things as they are now. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 Isn't this the guy who works 400 miles from home and only visits his son and wife for one overnight every 3-4 weeks during which time he ignores his kid so he can be in constant contact with you? Seriously I can't think of a more ideal situation for an MM to skip out on his marriage. All he has to do is stop going home once a month and serve his wife divorce papers. The stories he is making up are ridiculous. He is lying to his wife and he is lying to you. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 Basically your MM is a sitting duck and life is good for him. He has two women to meet his needs, and he's happy enough as things are. Exactly, he is 400 miles away from his home comforts, why sit alone in a B&B, when he can have an OW to share a bed with. Win win. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 No its not like that. She has, for want of a better phrase, kicked him out several times. It's always been him to try and initiate a reconciliation. He says 100% she will do it again because he can't / won't give her what she wants and she won't give him what he wants. Maybe he is taking the easy option but please don't think he's purposely making her miserable so she ends it, he's just waiting for the inevitable. Which he says will happen whether I'm on the scene or not. My x was just here, he threatened to murder me, he's been threatening to kill MM, I actually thought he was going to attack me. The only way I got him to leave was by saying I was phoning the police. Yes I'm selfish but MM atm is is getting me through this and giving me the strength to do what I need to do. It's a horrible situation all round. You've said in your previous post that he has been unhappy for years in this marriage. Way before you came along. If this is he case what is he waiting for as this is the perfect time to leave? You say he doesn't want to "destroy" her but there is no easy way out without someone being hurt. The truth is he hasn't left her because he doesn't want to. He's had too many opportunities to leave her before you came along and still he's not divorced. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 People who want to divorce, do so! Just go check out a thread in the marriage section http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/578255-i-m-following-my-youngest-kid-out-door, this guy is divorcing his wife after 25 years of marriage because he wants to. He's made a plan and is sticking to it. And no, there isn't anybody else waiting in the wings. I'm getting the feeling that even he is not going to go through with it in the end. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 You've said in your previous post that he has been unhappy for years in this marriage. Way before you came along. If this is he case what is he waiting for as this is the perfect time to leave? You say he doesn't want to "destroy" her but there is no easy way out without someone being hurt. The truth is he hasn't left her because he doesn't want to. He's had too many opportunities to leave her before you came along and still he's not divorced. This MM has been unhappy for years and HE is the one who travels and is away from his wife and his kids. I don't care if it's for his job or what, but I can guarantee you his wife is not happy with this situation. I imagine she is probably lonely and stressed out taking care of the kids all by herself and this MM complains that HE is unhappy . That right there tells me all I would need to know. His main dessert is cake! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrsBilliethekid Posted April 30, 2016 Author Share Posted April 30, 2016 Exactly, he is 400 miles away from his home comforts, why sit alone in a B&B, when he can have an OW to share a bed with. Win win. He's not sharing my bed, maybe only once a week and even then it's cloak and dagger getting him in as my ex is stalking me and drives by my house every night. This MM has been unhappy for years and HE is the one who travels and is away from his wife and his kids. I don't care if it's for his job or what, but I can guarantee you his wife is not happy with this situation. I imagine she is probably lonely and stressed out taking care of the kids all by herself and this MM complains that HE is unhappy . That right there tells me all I would need to know. His main dessert is cake! Yes you're right, she's not happy. His job is specialised, he went to university to qualify, she knew this and supported him. She also knew that for him to get work in this field would involve relocating. When the time came, she refused to go. She wants him to give up his job, move back home and take any old job, he wanted her (not any more) to relocate and move with him (which was the plan). Both of them want what the other won't/can't give. She's certainly not stressed or lonely and the children aren't so young that they're a strain to look after. I agree they should have sorted it out before it came to this, but it is what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrsBilliethekid Posted April 30, 2016 Author Share Posted April 30, 2016 Isn't this the guy who works 400 miles from home and only visits his son and wife for one overnight every 3-4 weeks during which time he ignores his kid so he can be in constant contact with you? Seriously I can't think of a more ideal situation for an MM to skip out on his marriage. All he has to do is stop going home once a month and serve his wife divorce papers. The stories he is making up are ridiculous. He is lying to his wife and he is lying to you. I actually do agree with you. I think his circumstances make leaving far easier than most MM's. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 He's not sharing my bed, maybe only once a week and even then it's cloak and dagger getting him in as my ex is stalking me and drives by my house every night. You are playing with fire, are the police aware of your ex and his threatening/stalking behaviour? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
renaissancewoman Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 He's not sharing my bed, maybe only once a week and even then it's cloak and dagger getting him in as my ex is stalking me and drives by my house every night. Yes you're right, she's not happy. His job is specialised, he went to university to qualify, she knew this and supported him. She also knew that for him to get work in this field would involve relocating. When the time came, she refused to go. She wants him to give up his job, move back home and take any old job, he wanted her (not any more) to relocate and move with him (which was the plan). Both of them want what the other won't/can't give. She's certainly not stressed or lonely and the children aren't so young that they're a strain to look after. I agree they should have sorted it out before it came to this, but it is what it is. What does that mean "it is what is it"? I can't help but think it's just your way of accepting and settling for a less than ideal relationship with a man who obviously WON'T make you a priority. This thread is much like talking to a brick wall. You have an excuse for everything and refuse to actually take ownership for your life. It's no wonder this man is taking advantage of you. You more or less have given him permission to do so. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 I actually do agree with you. I think his circumstances make leaving far easier than most MM's. Yet he still sits idle... She's certainly not stressed or lonely How do you know this? Honestly you know nothing about their dynamic or what she feels, only what MM tells you. And who knows if that is truthful or not. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrsBilliethekid Posted April 30, 2016 Author Share Posted April 30, 2016 You are playing with fire, are the police aware of your ex and his threatening/stalking behaviour? They are aware, there's been police involvement before. I've also got a lawyer. For the moment MM is staying away as it is too dodgy. What does that mean "it is what is it"? I can't help but think it's just your way of accepting and settling for a less than ideal relationship with a man who obviously WON'T make you a priority. This thread is much like talking to a brick wall. You have an excuse for everything and refuse to actually take ownership for your life. It's no wonder this man is taking advantage of you. You more or less have given him permission to do so. Give me a chance, it's only been 4 months, I'm assessing the situation and the very fact I'm here posting would suggest I'm questioning things? I can absolutely guarantee, this is a relationship I will NOT allow to continue indefinitely. I know I deserve better, I just want to explore every possibility. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 They are aware, there's been police involvement before. I've also got a lawyer. I am glad about that. Take care. This MM is the least of your worries, it seems. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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