Is it my fault? I'm broken.

[OVO07]

Hey. I'll try to keep this as short as I can.

 

I was living with my boyfriend for 2 years. At first he was amazing. The perfect boyfriend you know. Things moved really fast and we were soon living together. I guess a few months in he started being very jealous and suspicious. He would ask me Sooo many questions about my past sex life etc. Like interrogations. He even started digging into my internet history etc. Long story short, I soon learned that he would get very upset/angry at anything related to me and another male even in the past. Verbal/emotional abuse started then the physcial.

 

Because I was (,am) scared of him and his reaction, I would tell some lies and hide things from him. Like I didn't tell him I had had sex with one of my friends in the past (someone he had became friends with) before I knew him. He ended up finding out and it was the subject of our aguing and his abusive behaviour for a long time. Ive never cheated on him, it would be impossible since we were basically always together. In those years tbh I went through some horrible abuse from him. Now I'm far from perfect, I would occasionally react to him by calling names back. And yes I've slapped and scratched him before. Eventhough I'm scared of him, I found myself so frustrated that I reacted in that way which wasnt cool and I regret. I stopped that. But I know I probably made him start being abusive by hiding things from him. It's just so hard when I know either way he's gonna be really angry and mean towards me.

 

I ended up leaving to go to a refuge. It got that bad. It was so tough to make that move and so scary. Well I spent a year off and on with him, even after moving out. I stayed living in the refuge, but we would have a ldr. Meeting up a few times. He asked me if i had been with any men since, and i admitted i had, same with watching porn. He was upset which i understand. But it was constanct "youre a s*** a h**" all so much id be here forever typing it all out. I would end things and he would either convince me to come back, or I would miss him so much I'd ask for him back. I managed to stay away for a year. Well sort of. I tried to contact him a couple of times within the year, but for various reasons he didn't get my msgs.

 

But then a few days ago he msgs me his number. I had been missing him so much that I called. The first few days he was lovely. Really seemed like a changed man. But then yesterday I was getting a bit stressed. I was trying to sort out arrangements for us meeting next week. He doesn't have internet access or really any money ATM. So I'm doing all the work. I wasn't calling him names or anything like that, I was just a bit stressy. Well that was a huge mistake. I effed up. He's gone back to how he was before. I said I was sorry several times then and today.

 

Today he answered the phone "thanks soooo much for calling" sarcastically. So I get upset (I don't think I even raised my voice, If I did I didn't mean to) I asked why he doesn't wanna talk to me. I was upset. He's telling me I'm a c*** , that he will leave me if I eff up one more time, he will just block my number and never see him again, he will leave me in his big city alone if I raise my voice even once, he says I'm evil and upto something, that I make him wanna kill himself, that I'm shouting on the phone (I really don't think I was???) Then he would keep hanging up, I would Keep calling back. When I was crying (trying to do it quietly) he said I was doing it faking it so that other people would hear (I live in a shared house) I really wasn't. I was having a panic attack and even that I was doing as quiet as I possibly could. I asked when he wanted me to call tomorrow, he said he really doesn't care.

 

I'm so hurt and effing brken. I'm even weaker this time. As I know there's no point of leaving if i keep going back. When he's nice he's soooo nice . I just want that all the time. I want the old him back he used to give me long apologies after he was mean, buy me cute things he knows I like, love letters, now I get nothing. He says it's cause I slept with a few men on our breaks. I know it's not good what I done. I feel bad for it. Do I deserve it? Is he right? I m trying really hard to be perfect this time. I'm not raising my voice (I'm trying but he says I am) I'm saying sorry, I'm making the effort to pay for and travel to him. Which feels like a bit scary risk, but I'm doing it. He says I'm just a bad evil person and he doesn't know how he puts up with me. If I stop being a c*** he will go back to how he was. But I don't always know what I'm doing wrong??? It's like he just hates me now and I wish I could be perfect for him to have the old him back

 

I'm not looking for sympathy here. I know I have some blame. I'm just not sure how much is my fault. Or how to fix it. I know I keep going back, so I know I don't deserve sympathy but I guess I'm just so lost and I honestly want to do better. Sorry this is long.

[bluefeather]

I think you need to work on yourself. What that would consist of is hard to say, but I suggest starting by cutting ties with that person. He is still abusing you.

[Zahara]

As I know there's no point of leaving if i keep going back. When he's nice he's soooo nice . I just want that all the time. I want the old him back

 

That is the thing with abusers. They're "nice" when they want things to be their way, when they're trying to get control over you.

 

There is no nice and sweet "OLD HIM", this is who he is, this is who he was -- he just hid it from you until you he had you in his hold. That nice guy never existed. It was just a facade to rope you in. He's an abuser, to the core, then and now -- there is nothing wonderful or great about him. You've just set the bar so low for yourself, and he's conditioned you to accepting such poor treatment that now you can't even see the reality of what's infront of you. Please read below.

 

Characteristics of Abusers

 

You're broken because you choose to be abused. There is nothing to fix here other than fixing yourself. You have severely low self-esteem and see very little value in yourself. Imagine your daughter going through this -- what would you tell her? Now apply it to yourself.

[whichwayisup]

None of this is your fault!!

 

You're incredibly strong, rely on your family and good friends to help you through this and also do counseling. Again, this isn't your fault. HE is the one who has issues and is an abuser.

[turnera]

I'm not looking for sympathy here. I know I have some blame. I'm just not sure how much is my fault.

At this point, KNOWING that he WILL abuse you, it is all your fault. But that doesn't make you a bad person. Just someone who needs to learn and grow and change.

 

Are you seeing a therapist? That is your only hope - someone teaching you how to love yourself, value yourself. Once that happens, you will realize you don't DESERVE to be abused. And you'll stop running back to the abuser.

 

Meanwhile, read this book.

[spiderowl]

I'm so sorry you are having all this stress and hurt. There is only one solution, to get this guy out of your system and life. I know that's not what you want. The guy is made up of two people: one who is nice and loving; the other the abusive, jealous guy. You take one, you get the other. He is never going to be just the nice guy.

 

I am not suggesting for one moment that you take this guy back. He is playing games with you, emotional blackmail, trying to manipulate you by hooking into your feelings. You really need to step back and not engage with this any more. It's just going to hurt you endlessly. There is no way to deal with someone like him that is going to work out for you. Leaving him and disengaging is the only way you will regain a life again.

 

I know you think you can't live without him. But the choice is pain with him or finding another life without him. It's clear, if you are not emotionally engaged like you are.

 

None of this is easy and you must feel so horrendously wrung about emotionally. That should be a sign to you that the guy is not doing you good. It should not be this way. If you are involved with a guy, you should be feeling good most of the time, feeling happy and relaxed. I can bet you rarely felt like that with him and when you did, it didn't last. You don't have to pay a price of suffering abuse to get the loving times, you really don't. Please understand this.

 

Once your mind has finally let this guy go, you will be open again to meeting someone special who does not hurt you. I really hope you can unhook from him and free yourself for a better chance at life.

[Hermus]

I'm so hurt and effing brken. I'm even weaker this time. As I know there's no point of leaving if i keep going back. When he's nice he's soooo nice . I just want that all the time. I want the old him back he used to give me long apologies after he was mean, buy me cute things he knows I like, love letters, now I get nothing.

 

It's not nice for him to apologize and buy you things if he first abused you. At best it's trying to make up for something that shouldn't have happened in the first place. At the worst it's a way to control you and keep you nearby so he has someone to abuse.

 

He says it's cause I slept with a few men on our breaks. I know it's not good what I done. I feel bad for it. Do I deserve it? Is he right? I m trying really hard to be perfect this time. I'm not raising my voice (I'm trying but he says I am) I'm saying sorry, I'm making the effort to pay for and travel to him. Which feels like a bit scary risk, but I'm doing it. He says I'm just a bad evil person and he doesn't know how he puts up with me. If I stop being a c*** he will go back to how he was. But I don't always know what I'm doing wrong??? It's like he just hates me now and I wish I could be perfect for him to have the old him back

 

You have every right to sleep with whomever you like. Especially if you have a break with your abusive boyfriend. He can not hold it against you that you slept with men when you weren't even a couple. You also should stop apologizing to him and trying to be nice. He is the one who is being abusive, not you. You should see it for what it is.

 

I'm not looking for sympathy here. I know I have some blame. I'm just not sure how much is my fault. Or how to fix it. I know I keep going back, so I know I don't deserve sympathy but I guess I'm just so lost and I honestly want to do better. Sorry this is long.

 

The only person who is doing wrong is the one who acts abusive. You should ask yourself how and why you put up with him. Nobody deserves to be treated like this. There is no blame on your side for him being abusive. However, you need to break with him indefinitely. There is little chance someone who is systematically abusive will stop this behaviour all of a sudden.