Transition to friendship

[LovingDelilah]

My married friend and I have tried making a transition to being friends after an emotional affair. He has said his plan is still to leave his marriage within two years and that has nothing to do with whether we are friends or not. I told him that is his choice. I also told him that I needed time with my family, to reconnect with my husband and not have his constant messages. He has agreed and kept a respectful distance and our messages have been about mechanical problems with his cars and what I am cooking and meeting my deadlines at work. I told him deception made my anxiety bad and I couldn't close my eyes at night.

 

Those of you that gave me a swift kick up the behind even though I didn't appreciate it at the time thank you. I am hoping that this friendship will slowly fade out by the grace of God and prayer and limited contact.

Edited April 29, 2016 by LovingDelilah

[renaissancewoman]

Is there any reason why you're trying to even be friends? Numerous threads have proven it just doesn't work.

[LovingDelilah]

Is there any reason why you're trying to even be friends? Numerous threads have proven it just doesn't work.

 

Only because he is a good person. He genuinely cares about the welfare of my husband and children as I am his. I know it sounds crazy but I realise communication between us is more a bad habit and although I care about his welfare it is not the love I feel for my husband and children. He has also made the statement that we really don't talk about making plans for us but we talk about mundane things like food and cars or if it's important about the help our kids ( his daughter and mine )might need due to illness and best way to handle it. There has also never been negative communication about either of our spouses to eachother or a breach of our spouses privacy by disclosing things about them.

Edited April 29, 2016 by LovingDelilah

[renaissancewoman]

Only because he is a good person. He genuinely cares about the welfare of my husband and children as I am his. I know it sounds crazy but I realise communication between us is more a bad habit and although I care about his welfare it is not the love I feel for my husband and children. He has also made the statement that we really don't talk about making plans for us but we talk about mundane things like food and cars or if it's important about the help our kids ( his daughter and mine )might need due to illness and best way to handle it. There has also never been negative communication about either of our spouses to eachother or a breach of privacy.

 

Forgive me, I'm new and I don't know all the history that you might have shared in previous threads. I just think this is a slippery slope. My H engaged in a secret friendship with another woman from an adjacent neighborhood and this sounds eerily like what he described it as: mundane things like family plans for the weekend, fun things to do with kids, etc.

 

What did your emotional affair constitute as if you're saying there was negative speak about spouses or breach of privacy? Again, I'm wary of time and attention spent on relationships that rightly belongs to one's spouse. These sorts of relationships should be avoided.

[whichwayisup]

You can't go back to being 'just friends'. You two crossed the line and feelings are there. How do you expect the 'feelings' to go away if you still see and speak to him? You're still invested in each other and it'll still be an EA, hidden from your husband and his wife, it'll still be a selfish and self serving friendship. It'll still make you attached to your MM and detach from your husband.

[renaissancewoman]

Okay, I just went back through your threads and now I remember your story. Um, no. Absolutely not acceptable to try to be friends. Someone who supposedly "genuinely cares about the welfare of your husband and your kids" shouldn't be laying claim or covering your heart. That is what's happening here. Stop kidding yourselves and go NC, or leave your husband as you still haven't got enough respect for your relationship to abandon this sham of a "friendship".

[ChickiePops]

Oh cool..so you've met his wife and she's totally 100% ok with you two being friends? That's amazing! What a generous and lovely woman she must be!

 

If not...then you're still having an affair...

[BuddyX]

So if your hubby finds out about the affair, and asks you "how long it's been going on?" Your answer will be "it still is".

That's what communicating with the OM means.

[Girlfromcali]

Oh cool..so you've met his wife and she's totally 100% ok with you two being friends? That's amazing! What a generous and lovely woman she must be!

 

If not...then you're still having an affair...

 

This is how it is. You have to be openly friends with his wife also if you want to be friends with him. It can't be a secret.

[LovingDelilah]

Oh cool..so you've met his wife and she's totally 100% ok with you two being friends? That's amazing! What a generous and lovely woman she must be!

 

If not...then you're still having an affair...

 

I can't meet her we are on opposite sides of the world. She should thank me actually because he was at a very low point and if I hadn't made him seek medical attention he would not be as he is now

[ChickiePops]

I can't meet her we are on opposite sides of the world. She should thank me actually because he was at a very low point and if I hadn't made him seek medical attention he would not be as he is now

 

Ok..so why haven't you emailed her to tell her all of this? And why not tell your own husband too?

 

Nothing has changed. As long as the two of you are keeping your 'friendship' secret, you're still lying to and cheating on your spouses. You're still having an affair.

 

It's no skin off my nose if you change that or not, so there's no reason to get defensive. But until you admit this to yourself, you won't feel any better.

[renaissancewoman]

Those of you that gave me a swift kick up the behind even though I didn't appreciate it at the time thank you. I am hoping that this friendship will slowly fade out by the grace of God and prayer and limited contact.

 

Put some action behind that "hope" and wake up! You want to use prayer? Get Stormie Omartian's Power of a Praying Wife and start praying for your husband! Fix your focus on what really matters and stop fretting about the well-being and welfare of a man who is already taken and has a wife of his own. I will say it again: You. Are. Not. Friends. It's amazing the amount of mental gymnastics you go through in order to rationalize this relationship in order to keep you from really facing your own reality.

[Darren Steez]

So... while we're all talking about "genuinely caring"

 

"He genuinely cares about the welfare of my husband and children"

 

So you'd have no problem telling your husband about the emotional affair right, because between the two of you, you're lying to your spouses, who I'd gander a guess if they found out wouldn't be too happy...doesn't seem like "genuine care" does it?

 

"He genuinely cares about the welfare of my husband and children"

 

To the point the both of you have feelings and now you're trying to "reconnect" with your husband (while still in communication with a man who has feelings for you and is about to leave his wife whom is she found your messages would assume that was the reason her husband left her and she'd probably contact your husband who I'd gander a guess would be none too pleased)

 

What you're doing is called classic cake eating. Trying to keep your affair partner in your life whilst also rug sweeping what has happening and pretending to put your energy into the relationship with your husband.

 

The title of the thread should be transition to honesty.

 

If you want to reconnect with your husband, how about being honest and actually trying to work on the marriage together? You've connected with another man and are actively messaging him under the guise of friendship when there's feelings involved.

 

Every else is just lip service, no matter how you dress it up and try to make it look otherwise.. also

 

Transition to honesty not only applies to your husband, but you also have to start being honest with yourself because unless that happensd you're not actually putting in the work on yourself and your marriage.

[LovingDelilah]

So... while we're all talking about "genuinely caring"

 

"He genuinely cares about the welfare of my husband and children"

 

So you'd have no problem telling your husband about the emotional affair right, because between the two of you, you're lying to your spouses, who I'd gander a guess if they found out wouldn't be too happy...doesn't seem like "genuine care" does it?

 

 

 

"He genuinely cares about the welfare of my husband and children"

 

To the point the both of you have feelings and now you're trying to "reconnect" with your husband (while still in communication with a man who has feelings for you and is about to leave his wife whom is she found your messages would assume that was the reason her husband left her and she'd probably contact your husband who I'd gander a guess would be none too pleased)

 

 

 

She has no idea I exist and has seen no messages. I do not interfere with his family time at all nor he mine.

 

 

He had planned to leave her in two years time before he knew me. He is NOT LEAVING HER FOR ME OR BECAUSE OF ME.

 

 

 

 

If you want to reconnect with your husband, how about being honest and actually trying to work on the marriage together? You've connected with another man and are actively messaging him under the guise of friendship when there's feelings involved.

 

 

To be honest I don't message him. He contacts me and I will respond when I can. I have a busy job where I am unable to be messaging people constantly I am in constant scheduled meetings at work apart from one twenty minute break and lunch which is usually taken up responding to questions from colleagues whilst having a bite to eat.

 

 

 

Every else is just lip service, no matter how you dress it up and try to make it look otherwise.. also

 

Transition to honesty not only applies to your husband, but you also have to start being honest with yourself because unless that happensd you're not actually putting in the work on yourself and your marriage.

 

 

I have put almost 28 years into my marriage and have raised 4 beautiful children. My husband has had the best years of my life and I have discussed numerous things with him that need to change and yet he chooses to do what suits himself best. I am not going into the details of my marriage but I have sacrificed a lot for him and my kids. I have been a sole breadwinner at times too. If I didn't have a strong faith I doubt I would have lasted this long in this marriage. I have never strayed and had a physical affair which in my opinion is way more dangerous and disrespectful.

 

Maybe the honest thing is to get the help I need. I have done this in the past on my own. He wont come with me. He acts like I go there to complain about him which is not the case. This is what has enabled me to last the past two years in my marriage and cope with a child with a disability. Staying married has also enabled us to provide the best treatment for our child.

[LovingDelilah]

Put some action behind that "hope" and wake up! You want to use prayer? Get Stormie Omartian's Power of a Praying Wife and start praying for your husband! Fix your focus on what really matters and stop fretting about the well-being and welfare of a man who is already taken and has a wife of his own. I will say it again: You. Are. Not. Friends. It's amazing the amount of mental gymnastics you go through in order to rationalize this relationship in order to keep you from really facing your own reality.

 

 

 

Ill have to look for that online given the scarcity of book shops. My reality is that I have given so much of myself away to other people. In the case of my family it is justified but not anybody else. Deep down I know he is not my responsibility.

[LovingDelilah]

Ok..so why haven't you emailed her to tell her all of this? And why not tell your own husband too?

 

Nothing has changed. As long as the two of you are keeping your 'friendship' secret, you're still lying to and cheating on your spouses. You're still having an affair.

 

It's no skin off my nose if you change that or not, so there's no reason to get defensive. But until you admit this to yourself, you won't feel any better.

 

 

 

I don't know her nor do I have her email address. I encouraged him to tell her. I am sure his marriage would be over if I did because she was planning on leaving after Christmas. He at least had the decency to try and hold out until his last child finishes college in two years.

[elaine567]

Emotional Affair

The term often describes a bond between two people that mimics the closeness and emotional intimacy of a romantic relationship while never being physically consummated.

I fail to see how being "friends" with the OM is any different from the EA.

If you were suddenly open "friends" and no secret communication was going on between the two of you, then perhaps, but this sounds like a continuing EA just under a different name.

[lemondrop21]

Honestly, I think that people do all sorts of things to cope in life. We are all trying to figure out what works and do the best we can; and for someone with a disabled child to raise, this is especially true. I would also guess that this type of "friendship," somewhere along the line over the course of a long term partnership/marriage, is much more common than most would care to acknowledge.

 

I'm not going to bash you for continuing to have contact with him, because I'm not walking in your shoes and I can't say that I wouldn't do the same in your situation. I think that other posters are valid in what they say - that it's still an A on some level, because of the history and the secrecy. Ok, so where to go from here? You mentioned that you pray it dies out slowly. Do you want that to be the case, so that you have time and space to work on things with your husband? What are your goals? Or maybe you aren't sure?

 

Sending you best wishes.

[ChickiePops]

I don't know her nor do I have her email address. I encouraged him to tell her. I am sure his marriage would be over if I did because she was planning on leaving after Christmas. He at least had the decency to try and hold out until his last child finishes college in two years.

 

I can't help but think you're being deliberately obtuse...

 

Delilah, you are still having an affair. And yes it does take away from both of your families. The time you spend texting..the fact that you're devoted to him emotionally (and the shinier he looks, the duller your husband looks)..whether you choose to acknowledge it or not this does change other elements of your life.

 

You seem to be in very deep denial here. You deny that you're still in an affair, you deny the fact that you are 100% in control of whether or not you stop having an affair, you deny the fact that the affair is affecting your life and his, you deny the fact that you cannot be friends with the man you're cheating on your family with..until you admit all of this to yourself, nothing will change because you don't want it to.

[SomethingToSay]

You are having an ongoing EA with this man. You have the classic entitled mentality -- that you deserve this bc you have worked hard, put up with a H who didnt meet your needs, etc etc

 

Whats worse is that you seem to think this is somehow Gods will and thay its up to God to get you out of it.

 

Thats almost laughable. What you are doing is typical cake eating entitled cheater behavior. God wants you to stop and be honest with your spouse. You know that

 

If your M is so bad then leave. Same with him. Until then do the right thing that people of integrity do and stop the Affair/Friendship/Whatever you are calling it today. Quit making 854 excuses and block him and go NC.

 

Its that simple. Or alternatively tell your H and file for divorce. Quit cake eating at others expense if you really care about living with integrity

Edited April 29, 2016 by SomethingToSay

[renaissancewoman]

Ill have to look for that online given the scarcity of book shops. My reality is that I have given so much of myself away to other people. In the case of my family it is justified but not anybody else. Deep down I know he is not my responsibility.

 

Delilah, I highly suggest you also get the study guide with it. It offers more in depth questions to really help you work through each chapter. I'm currently doing an 8-MONTH study of it with a group of girls and we are taking it one chapter a week.

 

You strike me as someone who is in big need of introspection and reflection. Do you journal? I want to ask you what value are you receiving from posting on here and the responses you get from people who have been in situations like yours and who offer wisdom to help clear the fog that you obviously are set to stay in. You meet every response with an excuse for continuing on the way you have been. Are you truly committed to change and make your marriage better? Look 1 year, 2 years, 5 years down the road. What does your future look like? What do you WANT it to look like? Take a good long look and do something today and EVERYDAY to work towards that future.

 

If you truly want an honest and loving relationship with your H, this MM should be NOWHERE in the picture. No exceptions. Absolutely not a chance. Otherwise, you're just lying to yourself.

[renaissancewoman]

You seem to be in very deep denial here. You deny that you're still in an affair, you deny the fact that you are 100% in control of whether or not you stop having an affair, you deny the fact that the affair is affecting your life and his, you deny the fact that you cannot be friends with the man you're cheating on your family with..until you admit all of this to yourself, nothing will change because you don't want it to.

 

This is all so good! ChickiePops, you're my hero.

 

Delilah, take some time to read this and really evaluate what's going on here. It may help if you framed this in questions that you should answer for yourself. Write them down and be completely honest.

 

Let's define an affair. An affair is a sexual relationship, romantic friendship, or passionate attachment between two people without the other spouse knowing.

 

1) How does your "friendship" with this MM fit into that description?

2) What can YOU control about stopping or continuing on with contact with MM?

3) How is your marriage and his marriage affected when you invest emotionally in a relationship outside of your marriages? What are you putting into this "friendship" that rightfully belongs to your marriage and your husband?

[Friskyone4u]

Your idea to get the help you need is a good one.

 

You are in contact with a man your husband has no clue about and you can sugar coat it any way you want to, but you are blame shifting your husbands faults as your reasons for continuing.

 

Now, congratulations on raising four children and being the sole breadwinner at times. Honorable and great.

 

That means nothing pertaining to what you are doing.

[loveisanaction]

You have been given sound advice by the folks on here.

 

You might not see reason to any of it because you are doing exactly what they say you are doing…you are cake eating and rug sweeping. I agree with everything that has been said especially the entitled part.

 

You went on to list everything you’d done for your husband during the course of the marriage, it seemed like you felt you had done him a great favor by being a good wife. You chose to be married for better or worse, you don’t get a medal for that and you are not entitled to an affair for any reason at all. No one that is married is.

 

You are so deep in your fog with your married man nothing anyone tells you will make sense.

 

The day your emotional affair is truly is over please come back and read these posts. You will feel honored to have had total strangers give you such sound advice without wanting anything in return from you but your best interest.