Betrayed GFs trust

[Marker]

Girl I've been dating, Kate, has serious trust issues due to her bad sexual past. My past doesn't help, because she knows I've slept with a lot of women. She doesn't trust easy and it took me a longtime to earn it.

 

We dated for a while, had a fight where she claimed I violated her trust and was just using her for sex because of some stupid crap I said while drunk. I wasn't lying or cheating or anything like that. Kate was really standoffish and generally unapproachable, so I dumped her.

 

She took it really, really hard and after some time I realized I made a mistake. I did everything I could to try and get her back, but she kept denying me. During this time, I started sleeping with Jen, a mutual friend because I was starting to move on.

 

Kate heard some rumors about me and Jen, asked questions, I denied anything happened for the sake of Jen. The situation is a bit complicated but Jen does not want anyone to know her and I slept together.

 

Some time later, Kate then expressed interest in getting back together. So I said OK. We had a bunch of sex, woke up, went on an awesome date. Towards the end of the date, I was drinking and some details surfaced, basically I had to admit that I did sleep with Jen and that I told Kate I didn't because Jen asked me not to. Kate didn't seem to mind, she understood. But she told me she doesn't want me talking to Jen alone. I'm not really into being controlled like that, but I respect where she's coming from given her trust issues.

 

Week later, Kate asks if I'm her boyfriend, or if I mind the title. I say it sounds great because I really like her. Things then go great for a while.

 

Few days ago, Kate and I have plans to hang out. But she goes to bed before I get home from work. Jen has to drop something off at my house. Because of Kate's jealousy and trust, I decide not to tell her Jen's stopping by. Or rather I wouldn't tell Kate if one of my other friends was stopping by, so why Jen? Jen stops by, we smoke a few cigarettes outside and talk about our days, she leaves. We are friends, so I feel like this isn't strange.

 

Kate hangs out with me the next night, and it's going great. The next morning, I get a flurry of texts asking when I hung out with Jen last. First I thought she meant sexually, so I tell her over a month ago. She then calls me and asks if Jen's been at my house within the last week? I say no, figuring that the other night really wasn't important and it might start a series of worse questions. Kate then tells me she knows that Jen's been at my house recently, that someone told Kate that she is being juggled.

 

So I admit that Jen was over recently, that she dropped some stuff off, nothing happened, and that I didn't want to tell Kate because I knew she'd suspect me of cheating.

 

Kate freaked out, I realized I should have been more honest. She now believes I've been seeing Jen regularly during our relationship, which I have not.

 

I also have no idea how she knew Jen was there. I don't think Jen would have told her that, I don't think she's jealous due to how she chooses to live her life and to be honest our sex wasn't that great.

 

I honestly think Kate has two jealous friends, one girl, one guy, and that they are actually trying to drive us apart, and that they lied about Jen being there, and it just so happened that she actually was.

 

Anyway, I don't know what to do about any of this crap. Obviously I shouldn't have lied about Jen coming over. When I put the shoe on the other foot, that is an incredibly sketchy thing to do, especially when you've been intimate with the person before.

 

But Kate isn't really responding to my texts, I ran into her last night, explained my logic and everything else, and ended up crying in front of her, which was a first for me. Not really sure what to do. Any advice? You know after writing this out, and reading it, I'm starting to wonder if she's nuts.

 

Also realized there's a subforum for trust issues, my bad.

Edited April 29, 2016 by Marker

[AMJ]

This story made me a little bit dizzy. There's just way too much going on right here. Anyway, now you've learned a very valuable lesson about being as honest as humanly possible with a woman you're interested in keeping in your life. Women are the best detectives you will ever know when it comes to a guy. Especially someone who already has trust issues.

 

Advice...don't ever lie again. Right now, keep apologizing, she may just need more time to forgive you.

[hippychick3]

Advice: stop lying!

 

Apologize again and again and try not to sleep with anyone while you're trying to get her back.

 

And no more lying no matter what. I'd personally never trust you again. So, you have your work cut out for you.

[Marker]

Yeah... writing it out helped me realize that it's a bit nuts. I believe her jealous male friend is significantly more sinister than she realizes. There are rumors in our social circles that they sometimes sleep together, which she says they haven't. He's in a position of power and he could do a lot for you if you did something for him, so I do wonder.

 

I mean I sometimes wonder if this is insane and I should just end it, too.

 

Also yeah, I'm done lying to her. Never doing that again.

[SammySammy]

Yeah... writing it out helped me realize that it's a bit nuts. I believe her jealous male friend is significantly more sinister than she realizes. There are rumors in our social circles that they sometimes sleep together, which she says they haven't. He's in a position of power and he could do a lot for you if you did something for him, so I do wonder.

 

I mean I sometimes wonder if this is insane and I should just end it, too.

Also yeah, I'm done lying to her. Never doing that again.

 

It's time for you to go to the next level. Date multiple women with complete honesty. Being honest with them while being true to yourself. That's freedom.

 

You may lose these two, but that's okay. Chalk it up to the game, as they say. It's part of your growth process.

[Marker]

It's time for you to go to the next level. Date multiple women with complete honesty. Being honest with them while being true to yourself. That's freedom.

 

You may lose these two, but that's okay. Chalk it up to the game, as they say. It's part of your growth process.

 

Well I'm not interested in losing Kate. I really like her.

 

I've dated two women simultaneously once before. I didn't like it, It wasn't for me. It just generally felt a bit empty and I couldn't keep details straight. Granted they knew these weren't exclusive relationships but it just wasn't my bag. Not saying I wouldn't do it again, but I'd rather just date Kate. Jen is not dating material in my opinion.

 

You guys saying to stop lying... of course you're right. But I just wish she'd believe me that nothing happened.

 

I feel disgusting for lying at all. I can barely eat or sleep. Man I've cried like three times today.

[mikeylo]

You've messed up big time. I hope Kate doesn't come back. She deserves better. You have no idea that once trust is lost , it's YOU who has to work with every fiber in your body to regain it.

Of course she will , from now on , tell you whom to see or talk. You chose the path.

[PegNosePete]

Well I'm not interested in losing Kate.

Sorry bud, you've lost her already. And it's not because she has trust issues or has a bad sexual past or because she's nuts.

 

It's because you lied to her. Not just once, but multiple times.

 

If I were Kate I'd never trust you again.

 

If you want her back you better get your begging shoes on, but I wouldn't put money on it working out well.

[PrettyEmily77]

I honestly think Kate has two jealous friends, one girl, one guy, and that they are actually trying to drive us apart, and that they lied about Jen being there, and it just so happened that she actually was

 

Looks to me like Kate has two loyal friends who have her back.

 

If you had truly learned your lesson, you would have realised how poorly you have treated Kate, wished her the very best in finding someone she can fully trust and leave her be.

[d0nnivain]

Kate may have trust issues but you knew that. Instead of being honest you obfuscated the truth or outright lied to her. That doesn't make her nuts.

 

 

At this point you need to just leave her alone.

 

 

In your next relationship be a bit more transparent.

[Fused]

You're aware that she has trust issues from the start and you still chose to lie? Not only once but two times? You are literally proving her worst fear in the relationship. If you really like her realize that she better off without you and shouldn't have someone deepening her issues.

 

Finding out your boyfriend is doing exactly what you asked him not to do (see Jen alone) is sh*tty. On top of that, being lied to, lied to again, then eventually told the truth is another roller coaster of feelings for her. Move on to someone who will let you have a cigarette on your front porch with your previous hook up.

[Marker]

Man reading those last few replies crushed my soul. Maybe I should leave her alone. In hindsight, I kind of do want someone who won't let me smoke on my porch with a previous hook up.

 

I feel terrible that I lied to her. I don't know how to make amends. I might just let it go but it's breaking me, I can't eat or sleep.

[elaine567]

But she told me she doesn't want me talking to Jen alone. I'm not really into being controlled like that, but I respect where she's coming from given her trust issues.

 

This isn't about being controlled or "trust issues" this is about making amends after you repeatedly lied to the girl.

 

Trust once lost is so difficult to regain.

You are not in a 30 year marriage where you can spend 5 years in counselling to sort it out and regain trust; you are just dating, so let it go, it isn't going to work.

[Marker]

Alright... I sent her a few texts apologizing, I'd rather call but she won't answer those.

 

I realized that if I love her and want the best for her, then that isn't me, and I told her that. Easily one of the hardest texts I've ever had to send. I feel like scum .

[Satu]

Alright... I sent her a few texts apologizing, I'd rather call but she won't answer those.

 

I realized that if I love her and want the best for her, then that isn't me, and I told her that. Easily one of the hardest texts I've ever had to send. I feel like scum .

Do some honest self-reflection and work on improving your integrity and honesty.

 

Do this for yourself.

[SammySammy]

Stop apologizing. Stop crying.

 

Just face the consequences and move on. Knowing how to handle it better the next time.

[elaine567]

Do some honest self-reflection and work on improving your integrity and honesty.

 

Do this for yourself.

Agreed and curbing your drinking habits may not be a bad idea too.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Ugh

 

Sex, lies and then exaggerations like "crushed your soul", "scum" etc. You enjoy drama and that will never change. You can also effortlessly lie and that's not going to change either.

 

The only person you are really capable of liking is yourself.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Alright... I sent her a few texts apologizing, I'd rather call but she won't answer those.

 

I realized that if I love her and want the best for her, then that isn't me, and I told her that. Easily one of the hardest texts I've ever had to send. I feel like scum .

 

Manipulation at its finest

[mikeylo]

You want to make amends ? Become completely transparent. Turn your head away when you see any woman , lol , really, as if they don't exist. The only woman that you see is your girl. Make it all about her. You can't. So let it go. You will get over in a few days. Since you never cared about her ( if you did , you wouldn't have put her through this ), it won't take you more than few days to find another woman

[d0nnivain]

Man reading those last few replies crushed my soul. Maybe I should leave her alone. In hindsight, I kind of do want someone who won't let me smoke on my porch with a previous hook up.

 

I feel terrible that I lied to her. I don't know how to make amends. I might just let it go but it's breaking me, I can't eat or sleep.

 

jealousy is not the hallmark of a good relationship. Neither is one partner telling the other one what to do.

 

If my husband wanted to hang out with his EX GF I wouldn't be happy about it but I wouldn't tell him I forbid him. Instead I'd make my position clear & if he still chose to do something that hurt my feelings, I'd leave.

 

Alright... I sent her a few texts apologizing, I'd rather call but she won't answer those.

 

I realized that if I love her and want the best for her, then that isn't me, and I told her that. Easily one of the hardest texts I've ever had to send. I feel like scum .

 

As for making amends, while I don't think she will take you back (I wouldn't), have you tried flowers? A text is lame. It's meaningless, easy & required no effort. Put some skin in the game & pay money. I'm not saying you have to spend $100 but men have been apologizing to women using flowers for decades. Try it. Have a bouquet delivered with a handwritten apology & a sincere promise to stop lying to her.

[mikeylo]

men have been apologizing to women using flowers for decades. Try it. Have a bouquet delivered with a handwritten apology & a sincere promise to stop lying to her.

 

Really ? Flowers to regain trust ? What OP has done is betrayal.I'm at loss of words at your advice !

 

OP, you say you dont ' like ' to be controlled as to whom you can talk etc ? Well, I'm sure your ex also doesnt like to be lied to / betrayed to !

 

People are amazing !

Edited April 29, 2016 by mikeylo

[d0nnivain]

Really ? Flowers to regain trust ? What OP has done is betrayal.I'm at loss of words at your advice !

 

OP, you say you dont ' like ' to be controlled as to whom you can talk etc ? Well, I'm sure your ex also doesnt like to be lied to / betrayed to !

 

People are amazing !

 

I didn't say I thought it would work. But at this point all I saw from the OP was empty words. A text is nothing. Effort whether that be flowers or the cliched boom box over your head in the rain, maybe I could be persuaded to think he might be sincere & he truly came to understand how back his conduct was.

 

I still think OP doesn't have much of a clue but because most folk don't take the advice give up it's over to heart, I thought I'd suggest an action. When that doesn't work maybe then he'll be more at peace with the decision to stop trying. People regret more in life the things they don't even try then the stuff that doesn't work out.

[lolablue17]

Maybe you should change your attitude.

 

Send her a text or mail, saying that you are a guy who can listen, admit your mistakes and improve youself, this is who you are. But you will not let her making you a cheater and a serial liar, because you're not, and she is way way out of the line in that matter. You didn't cheat, you just didn't want to make a mess out of nothing.

 

So you hope she will put herself together and come back to senses in the next 1-2 days, and after that you consider that as a break up and you're going to move on.

[bathtub-row]

You're never going to soothe the jealousy beast with this girl. I promise. She'll just keep trying to control you and you'll end up hating her.