I'm reacting strongly to someone - how do I stop feeling this way?

[SpiralOut]

I know that when we have a strong reaction to someone, it's usually due to something within ourselves. Like maybe we are reminded of something or someone from our past, or an event that happened to us, or a quality we ourselves possess. I am having an intense reaction to someone. I can sort of guess why that might be, but I feel like there's something I can't put my finger on. Maybe someone here can see something that I can't see.

 

She is an acquaintance. Let's call her A. I have taken to avoiding her, but I will probably see her again sometime in the future. Basically, I don't like her and I don't respect her. She is in her late 20's and her mother controls her. She allows her mother to do things like enter their house with a spare key without prior consent... for no reason but to see if A was home because A wasn't answering the phone when she called. She has children, and whatever her mother wants them to do with the child, they do it. She doesn't stand up for her partner against her parents.

 

The most disturbing thing of all is how completely nonchalant A is about it. She admits to these things as easily as admitting that the weather is quite nice today. If she acted indignant or irritated then I would probably think she is "normal," but she is so passive that it gives me a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. My instincts tell me that something is "off," enough so that I feel really uncomfortable being around her. I can't stand being around someone who has that sort of attitude. I don't understand how an adult can be so tightly controlled by their own parent and act so casual about it.

 

Some other things that bother me.... whenever she comes out, the conversation always somehow ends up being about some problem she and her partner are having with other people... like a selfish family member, or "friends" that aren't nice to them, and so on. They associate with sketchy people. The problems they describe are really messed up. I always walk away afterwards feeling angry and disgusted. I've noticed that when she does not come out with the rest of us, these conversations do not happen.

 

I have never seen her act or sound excited or irritated or cheerful or any other energetic/strong emotion. It is always a baseline level of calm, even when discussing emotional topics. It's like she's on drugs or something.

 

Then there are other things... like asking me questions that are none of her business. I put my foot down and she backed off. I don't think she meant any harm. Still, since that incident I can't stand the idea of being around her again, knowing that she thinks it's okay to ask such personal questions (re: babies and marriage) of someone she hardly knows.

 

Sorry for the long rant. There is more. Like the fact that they send their mail to a friend's address because it helps them to make more money (I don't understand the details, just that it has something to do with their housing costs). Yet they didn't try very hard to prevent getting pregnant (they admitted it). If you are doing so badly financially that you need to lie to people about your address, then why the hell would you be so careless about birth control? That's irresponsible.

 

Anyway, I think she gets under my skin partly because I grew up with a controlling mother myself. I fought back against her my entire life. I moved away from home the first chance I got. I worked very hard to establish boundaries with her. I have had problems standing up for myself against other people and I worked very hard to change that. Changing that part of myself felt like breaking out of prison. Looking at A is like looking at my worst nightmare. She never got away from that. She is setting a bad example for her children; her daughter is being raised by a spineless mother and will probably grow up to be equally spineless. That angers me. And as much as other people say they seem happy, I don't believe it. I know from experience that doormats are living inside a cage. They live in fear. They live with limitations all around them. It is not a fun way to live.

 

I can't analyze any further than that. I don't know how to not feel bothered by her. I will probably never respect her, but it would be nice to not feel such a strong emotional reaction to her. To be perfectly honest, the way that she lives her life is frightening to me. I would rather kill myself than be her.

 

How can I let it go and stop thinking about this? I don't want to feel bothered by this anymore.

[Gloria25]

Ignore, ignore, ignore....

 

Avoid, avoid, avoid....

 

And if ignoring and avoiding fails, don't feed the monster...in other words don't dwell, think, and/or post about it. Immediately replace it with pleasant thoughts.

 

My neighbor and his wife are two people who also get under my skin. Both are freakin losers and IMO, they're you're average "family" now a days - slugs who do the bare minimum and get by cuz their families come to the rescue.

 

What really gets my goat is how he's letting a pudgy loser rule him, yet obsesses over me to the extent that he does this crazy mirroring (his latest thing is landscaping)....yet, he considers me a "cancer", I feel sad cuz I know how it's gonna turn out for him and I feel sad fo him.

 

Ok, lemme stop cuz I just did what I told you not to do - feed the monster.

 

Every time I let neighbor get under my skin I get ugly. I post ugly things here. I leave LS feeling like crap and embarrassed. Before I posted this, I was back on track about thinking about my current guy and how I'm anticipating rolling around in the bed with him...and, I'm going back to that thought cuz I'm not gonna feed the monster.

[Gloria25]

And why they get under my skin may be related to my childhood. My dad was a deadbeat and grandma always came to our rescue. Mum and dad were more worried about themselves and I feel mum just had us to "trap" my dad.

 

Now, they're older (well dad's dead) and are getting love and support from us after fing up our childhood...in other words tey lived their selfish lives and haven't been held accountable.

 

I work so hard for what I have. You'll never catch me with my hand out to no guy and/or my family and I take pride in that and it's like I get treated like crap. My neighbor would prefer a lazy overweight slug over me and that hurts. Not cuz like he's a prize, but cuz I thought people who work hard and do the right thing get good things in life, and no, it's like I'm in bizzarro world.

 

Eh, like my last FWB. His wife was a manipulative witch and he was always trying "fix" her. Well, he did do nice thing for me, but at the end of the day he gave her 10 years of his life - although she treated him like crap and I treated him well and we barely lasted two years.

 

Just makes me feel sad that I think no guy (especially in this day/age) will appreciate me and I'm a fool for being strong and independent.

 

My current guy likes me and I like him a lot too, but we don't have a future...so, when he and I end, it's back to losers like my neighbor who want chubby chubs and/or some woman to pay half/all their bills.

[Gloria25]

Oh, and it's not just my neighbor. There's other young couples in our hood and it's the same thing...parents to their rescue and their marriage/families are a joke. The guys are lazy slackers who can barely mow their lawn.

[Buddhist]

By realising that as far as you've come. You still live in fear of your mother. If that fear wasn't there this girl would not be triggering it constantly.

[SpiralOut]

By realising that as far as you've come. You still live in fear of your mother. If that fear wasn't there this girl would not be triggering it constantly.

 

That might be true, though I'm not afraid of my mother doing anything to me. I'm more afraid of the damage she may have caused to me that may cause me to be a bad mother. I'm afraid of turning out to be just like her. This woman is a bad role model to her daughter. She shouldn't have had children until she dealt with her mother issues, IMO.

 

I'm not sure why her passive, unemotional demeanor bothers me so much. It feels "off." It must be reminding me of something but I don't know what. Not myself. I had obvious anger issues. I'm not sensing any anger at all from this woman, not even when she describes others treating her badly. It's very odd.

 

ETA: I think it's an emotional detachment that I'm sensing. That's what bothers me the most.

Edited April 30, 2016 by SpiralOut

[spiderowl]

I can see why you are bothered about not understanding why you feel like this. I don't think anyone else can know either but could put forward ideas maybe.

 

Reading your post, I get the feeling she makes you feel angry. This seems to centre around her being passive and not setting boundaries and what that means for those dependent on her.

 

I suppose what strikes me in what you have said is that there is no indication at all that she is unhappy with her situation. She seems OK about that, but finds other people a problem. She seems to be involved in dodgy arrangements but goes along with it all. She doesn't seem very intelligent from that point of view, but who knows?

 

I can fully understand you feeling uncomfortable with her. She is very different from you. It sounds like she might let underhand or harmful things happen to her children because of her passivity but I guess we can't presume that. I too would feel uneasy with someone like that and concerned for her children.

 

Why not just avoid her? You don't enjoy her company or lifestyle. I can't see that she's a friend particularly, more of an acquaintance. If someone is passive (for whatever reason), it is incredibly difficult to get them to change their circumstances because they don't want to. She may complain about them in little ways but repel any suggestions for change. This can be very frustrating for someone who does not know this is happening all the time. Honestly, I think she's best avoided.

[SpiralOut]

I can see why you are bothered about not understanding why you feel like this. I don't think anyone else can know either but could put forward ideas maybe.

 

Reading your post, I get the feeling she makes you feel angry. This seems to centre around her being passive and not setting boundaries and what that means for those dependent on her.

 

I suppose what strikes me in what you have said is that there is no indication at all that she is unhappy with her situation. She seems OK about that, but finds other people a problem. She seems to be involved in dodgy arrangements but goes along with it all. She doesn't seem very intelligent from that point of view, but who knows?

 

I can fully understand you feeling uncomfortable with her. She is very different from you. It sounds like she might let underhand or harmful things happen to her children because of her passivity but I guess we can't presume that. I too would feel uneasy with someone like that and concerned for her children.

 

Why not just avoid her? You don't enjoy her company or lifestyle. I can't see that she's a friend particularly, more of an acquaintance. If someone is passive (for whatever reason), it is incredibly difficult to get them to change their circumstances because they don't want to. She may complain about them in little ways but repel any suggestions for change. This can be very frustrating for someone who does not know this is happening all the time. Honestly, I think she's best avoided.

 

Yeah, exactly. I probably wouldn't feel so bothered if she were childless. I am not so much worried about her letting harmful things happen to her daughter so much as I am worried that her daughter will learn the same bad habits. If that happens, she too will grow up unable to stand up for herself. I know first hand how awful it is to have that mentality, to grow up without a strong female role model.

 

It may bother me less if this woman showed some indication of self-awareness. If she KNEW that she had a problem and began making efforts to be more assertive, then maybe her kid would have a chance. But so far as I can tell, she doesn't see a problem with her own behaviour. She makes the classic mistake of thinking other people might change, and sticks around to wait for it to happen instead of distancing herself from sketchy people.

 

So basically I see her as an alternate version of myself, the version of what COULD have happened had I lacked insight to my own situation. I wasn't aware of everything, of course, but I did know that I was unfit to be a mother until or unless I changed somehow. It took a while for things to click, but eventually they did and I was able to make changes. It irritates me that I am "behind" certain life stages because I'm trying to be responsible, yet other people are acting totally irresponsibly, most likely screwing up their children for life, and skipping along singing a happy, blissful song.

 

I'm probably over-analyzing this. So yes, I will avoid her. I know her through my partner. He is getting tired of their complaining too, so I probably won't get roped into seeing her and boyfriend again anytime soon. Oh, and I asked him why she acts like such a doormat and he told me that he thinks she enjoys the attention. Wow. Something must be seriously wrong with someone for them to enjoy being controlled.

 

I feel a bit better knowing that someone else also finds her attitude troubling. They also rubbed me the wrong way when they gave my partner three framed photos of their daughter at Christmas. I don't care about the photo we have on the fridge (already...) but we aren't related, so why would we want THREE framed pictures of another person's child? I thought it was the weirdest thing, but I didn't say anything. Sorry, had to get that rant out.

[spiderowl]

Maybe she does enjoy the attention gained by being passive. It is strange when we find someone else's behaviour troubling. Sometimes it just is troubling! I think I'd find the photo thing weird too. It looks like attention seeking. I suspect if you opt out of seeing them, they will try to drag you back somehow by creating drama. Just a sneaking suspicion. You don't need this sort of stress. You're obviously more self-conscious than she is.

[SpiralOut]

I think you are right. She likes the attention. It explains why she reacted so weirdly when I said no thank you to holding her baby. Instead of gracefully letting it go (like most parents would), she kept probing at me to figure out why I didn't want to hold it. Obviously, she could not fathom the idea of anyone not caring about her baby. Lol. Maybe this Christmas we will get framed photos of it. And she does things like spending large amounts of money (and telling us exactly how much) on family members, then getting angry when they don't spend the same amount back. It's so ridiculous. Sometimes when I hear about their "problems" I feel as though I am listening to a petulant child.

 

I feel a bit better now that I can put a label on the behaviour. Attention-seeking and...entitled? Whatever. It is actually kind of funny to me now. She's so ridiculous.

Edited May 2, 2016 by SpiralOut

[Buddhist]

That might be true, though I'm not afraid of my mother doing anything to me. I'm more afraid of the damage she may have caused to me that may cause me to be a bad mother. I'm afraid of turning out to be just like her. This woman is a bad role model to her daughter. She shouldn't have had children until she dealt with her mother issues, IMO.

 

The same could be said for just about every mother on the planet...

 

I'm not sure why her passive, unemotional demeanor bothers me so much. It feels "off." It must be reminding me of something but I don't know what. Not myself. I had obvious anger issues. I'm not sensing any anger at all from this woman, not even when she describes others treating her badly. It's very odd.

 

ETA: I think it's an emotional detachment that I'm sensing. That's what bothers me the most.

 

It could be her enmeshment and failure to individuate from her own mother bothers you a great deal. You struggled to individuate and can't understand how someone can be comfortable being an extension of their parent rather than their own person.

[SpiralOut]

I just realized that I am still bothered. In my last post, I started looking down on her and turning the whole thing into a joke to try and get rid of my anger. But the truth is that it bothers me and probably always will.

 

I think the REAL issue is that I don't say anything when these conversations happen (the ones where she tells some weird "woe is me" story). I want so very badly to tell her exactly what I think: grow a spine, put your foot down, and if you're not willing to do that, then stop complaining. Frankly, I don't like it that these conversations happen at all. I hardly know them. They are good friends with my partner, so when we go out, they talk to him like they normally would without considering the fact that I do not know them very well. I think it is inappropriate for me to be chiming in with my opinion about their problems, and I think it is unfair and rude of them to be putting me in the position of sitting there listening to it. I have told my partner this, and he agree with me, yet he did not say anything to them about it. Instead we just decided that I would not join them anymore. Which is fine, since they annoy me, but if I ever get stuck in that situation again, is there something I can say? Is it okay for me to say, "hey guys, if you talk about that stuff around me I'll probably say what I think and you might not like it?" Or something to that effect? I don't know how to tell them they are being rude. Obviously I will avoid them as much as I can (we never met up with them often anyway) but there is the chance I might run into them in the future and I want to know how to deal with it. I seriously am fed up.

 

Oh, I also noticed she doesn't laugh at my jokes. She was talking about how she doesn't want to turn 30 like the rest of us are, and I joked that it won't be long before she's old like us. She did not crack a smile. If anything, she looked startled. She asked me an instrusive question about me getting pregnant and having a baby, and I made a joke about wanting my partner to get pregnant instead. She didn't laugh or smile at that. I don't think that a humorous approach would work very well. It's like joking with a pile of rocks.

 

 

 

It could be her enmeshment and failure to individuate from her own mother bothers you a great deal. You struggled to individuate and can't understand how someone can be comfortable being an extension of their parent rather than their own person.

 

This is exactly it. What will she do when her mother dies? Will she seek out someone else who is willing to control her, so that she never has to think for herself? My god. I do not for the life of me understand people who can't think for themselves.