I did everything for her and she didn't do anything for me.

[Peganian]

Hello everyone...

 

My girlfriend of almost 2 years and I live together. 10 days ago she left for Casablanca and Paris for 9 days, during which, her birthday happened. So as a surprise for her, I worked hard around the house, fixed the entire garden, sent her flowers over in Paris and received her with more flowers at the airport upon her arrival, also cooked her a nice dinner and breakfast this morning. Only to find out that she didn't even think of me while she was away, she didn't bring me anything, not even a piece of candy. I'm deeply hurt now as I put a lot of time and effort (I also arranged a surprise party for her tomorrow) and she obviously didn't even think of me while she was away.

Because of this now I'm seriously questioning our relationship and if this woman truly loves me and appreciates me.

 

What do you guys think? I appreciate any insight on this. Thanks.

[GorillaTheater]

You had a covert contract with her, "covert" as in she wasn't aware that you doing this stuff for her meant that she needed to stuff for you, too. That's not how it's supposed to work. Ideally, you do stuff for her without an expectation of return, and she does the same for you.

 

 

Now, it's okay to be bugged that she didn't bring anything back for you (did you ASK her to bring something back for you?), or didn't think of you, but not on the basis that you did all of this stuff for her. Get the distinction?

 

 

If she's not meeting your needs, then bail. Simple as that. But ask yourself to what extent you've made those needs known to her.

[SammySammy]

You had a covert contract with her, "covert" as in she wasn't aware that you doing this stuff for her meant that she needed to stuff for you, too. That's not how it's supposed to work. Ideally, you do stuff for her without an expectation of return, and she does the same for you.

 

 

Now, it's okay to be bugged that she didn't bring anything back for you (did you ASK her to bring something back for you?), or didn't think of you, but not on the basis that you did all of this stuff for her. Get the distinction?

 

 

If she's not meeting your needs, then bail. Simple as that. But ask yourself to what extent you've made those needs known to her.

 

Agreed.

 

Stop doing things for people expecting something in return.

 

On the other hand, if dating somebody who is not generous and considerate bothers you ... stop dating them.

[keiji]

Perhaps she's attentive in other areas of life? I know I am, but I'm terrible at buying presents, remembering special dates and the like. That doesn't mean I don't love them deeply. I'll be by their side if they have even the slightest headache, but perhaps forget buying something for St. Valentine's (not a very popular festivity in my country anyway). I'd prefer my girlfriend to be there when I need her. I can buy candy myself. Ask yourself whether she's a good complement for you in other aspects rather than the material one. Who cares about the latter?

[privategal]

Broke my heart to read this. So sorry OP.

Awe.

[Jersey born raised]

I tended to be more than a bit like your GF and got burned badly in my early twenties. I took from it there are two realities in play in every relationship. Yours and her's. The bottomline was at least honor the viewpoint of the other person and cheerfully conform with it.

 

I was able to grasp this concept and change but by this point she was long gone. However it is very real possibilty of she is entitled and does not have a developed sense of empathy to be in a marriage.

 

Now to the biggest issue, you. You have lived with woman for two years. Why? What's the end game? There once was ritual of courting. A pre- pre engagement. It was a stepping stone to actual engagement. A pervious poster discussed "covert contrats" they are spot on. My generation called it hidden assumptions.

 

I suggest you read up on the concept of "5 love languages". They have a web site that has extensive free info, but they do sell a book. The other is "his needs-her needs". They will make a world of difference in your life.

[Peganian]

Thank you all very much for your replies.

I never give for expecting in return, that wasn't the intention nor is the point here. It's not about material things or about the gift itself, it's about the gesture, the thought of your loved one being present in you while you're away.

She's been great to me in general, a couple of months ago she went to Mexico and brought me a nice bottle of tequila, for example. So that's why this was kind of a blow to me. Because I know I'd ALWAYS bring something back for her and she has no excuse other than she just simply didn't even bother.

[Satu]

No two people are alike, and no two people see the world in the same way.

 

It seems that you and she are operating with different 'maps' of what a relationship should be.

 

If your 'maps' are incompatible, and communication isn't solving the problem, the solution is obvious.

 

 

Take care.

[pidgeon1010]

I see both sides of the argument--People express their love and affection in different ways but I would probably be bummed if my significant other went to Paris and Casablanca and didn't bring me anything from the trip. If it were me, I would mention it and then let it go unless my needs weren't been met in the relationship generally. I'm not one to let things bottle up and then explode at a later time and list all the "parade of horribles" the person has subjected you to, which they often aren't aware were issues.

[Peganian]

Thank you guys. So since she's been an amazing girlfriend for most of our time together, I've talked to her and decided to let it pass.

 

Thank you so much for your comments and hope you're all doing great

[carnelian]

I am sympathetic to you. Yet she might have thought of you. You don't know that she didn't. She just did not buy you anything. Thoughtless. The best thing a girl ever got for me was a small box of white chocolate from a local store.

Don't knock yourself out for her, I advise. This thoughtless omission could

turn out to a sign or foretelling of a turn in the relationship when you look back on it later. So it may be too soon to judge her.

 

I am reminded of the old song "You Belong To Me" when the girl goes to

Europe and Egypt on vacation but he still feels that she belongs to him.

[sorano]

I mean, this really didnt sound like a big issue. Let me just tell you one thing that I learned in my last relationship which ended 4 months ago.

 

I went above and beyond for my ex. I did it all. Her and I both had different outlooks on how a relationship should be. Because I was the mr nice guy and would do anything for her, I expected the same in return. she wasn't up to par. we were different on how a relationship should be.

 

she did however, promise me family, a house, all that good stuff. she did dump me out of the blue. But if I really look at it now with a clear mind, we just weren't compatible. we were at different levels. so if you feel that the relationship isnt 50/50, and your pulling more than she is, in the end, you will hurt and it will end up bad. Just like what happened to me. I let things sly as well. Like I said, this didnt seem like a huge deal, unless she really really didnt care or think of you. Not sure what made you think that.

 

Again, if you feel its not 50/50, there is only so much you will let pass until you blow up. Trust me

[basil67]

For what it's worth, it probably wouldn't occur to me to buy a gift while overseas. Then again, it wouldn't occur to me to expect one from someone else. However, not thinking to buy a gift doesn't mean that I'm not thinking of them. I'd probably be texting and sending photos frequently. There are ways other than gifts to show that we're thinking of a person.

 

You say that she didn't even think of you while she was away. Are you exaggerating because you were hurt or was there absolutely zero communication from her?

[privategal]

I dont know.

I really feel like your heart is telling you something here.

I think it broke my heart to hear "not even a peice of candy"

I think you just wanted to feel loved and missed.

I dont think you wanted a gift per se...just to feel loved.

Did she smile and run to hug you at the airport and did the flowers and homecooked meal that you made seem to make her really happy?

If not....something is off.

I cant overgeneralizw but *most women really love romance and these sweet gestures.

And you should have felt missed and really known you WERE.

If there are questions...ask her them.

From the heart.

Dont sweep your feelings under a rug and just say well 80% of the time she is decent.

Still...talk..talk.

If you cant talk openly to eachother drop it now.

Marriage later is HARD work.

It involves good communication.

If that and intimacy is lacking now...no chance.

Tell her how you were feeling after that trip.

Personal question: why arent you guys traveling together?