What to expect 5-6 months into dating?

April 29, 2016

I've been dating my guy for 5.5 months now. Overall, he makes me very happy. I know I'm falling in love, but there are a few things that worry me or have me questioning if our relationship is normal. Over the past few months a few of my cousins and closest friends have started relationships at either the same time or a few months later-but they seem to be going at a much faster pace. They've met eachother's families, go on trips, take pics together, etc. My relationship-although progressing- feels like its going at a glacial speed.

We are both in our thirties, have great jobs, no kids, both never married, have our own hobbies and a large circle of friends. We have been exclusive since date 4 and are established bf/gf. I'll give my lists of pros and cons below. I just need to know if we are going at a good speed, if I should be cautious/worried, or to calm the f down.

Cons:

1. His parents don't know about me.

Mine don't know either because they try to get overly involved. We have had this discussion about how we both have extreme pressure to be married. We have met eachothers siblings though.

2. No "I love you"

3. Does the rubberband thing where he gets super close and then pulls away

4. Avoids talk about marriage or children

5. No pictures except when we're drunk- he has stated he hates his picture being taken and will back out when his own friends are taking group shots.

6. Seems reluctant to travel with me when I brought up the idea.

Pros:

1. does over the top things to impress me. Valentines day and my bday pulled out all the stops

2. first gf that he's introduced his friends to. he dated one chick for 8 months and none of them ever met her. said he didn't want to introduce her.

3. We never fight, the one time when he sensed me get mad he panicked and had his friends sister talk to me.

4. we talk every day, usually he initiates it

5. tries really hard to please me in bed.

6. actively listens and remembers things I've said

7. has made plans for 3 months from now

8. gets along with my friends

9. expressed interest in my hobbies and being involved with them. (ex: going to my performances)

10. honestly the list goes on and on........

My main red flags are the fact that he avoids talk on the distant future, meeting the families, and the lack of a verbal "I love you"

Am I expecting too much or does this seem on track?

Edited April 29, 2016 by JiltedJane

April 29, 2016

You are overthinking it - gauging from the list of pros - you've got a great BF!

Regarding the cons: to my understanding you're on the same page as him. You BOTH haven't said I love you (do you prefer him to initiate) or initiating meeting parents. I think the only concerning point is 3 - is that frequent?

In my own relationship at 5.5 months I've already met his parents and we've said ILY. However - even now,almost at 14 months my family still don't know about him - for similar reasons to yours and other problems in my family. The travel thing could be money or time related (having a great job comes with expectations; i'm personally also reluctant to travel because I don't want to spend time/money so I can relate). IMO it is too early for 4. For the pictures - that's not a sign of anything Just some people dislike taking pictures of themselves or other people, I'd probably leave my BF if he wanted to post pictures on FB with me, I find it ultra cheesy

I've been dating my guy for 5.5 months now. Overall, he makes me very happy. I know I'm falling in love, but there are a few things that worry me or have me questioning if our relationship is normal. Over the past few months a few of my cousins and closest friends have started relationships at either the same time or a few months later-but they seem to be going at a much faster pace. They've met eachother's families, go on trips, take pics together, etc. My relationship-although progressing- feels like its going at a glacial speed.
We are both in our thirties, have great jobs, no kids, both never married, have our own hobbies and a large circle of friends. We have been exclusive since date 4 and are established bf/gf. I'll give my lists of pros and cons below. I just need to know if we are going at a good speed, if I should be cautious/worried, or to calm the f down.

Cons:
1. His parents don't know about me.
Mine don't know either because they try to get overly involved. We have had this discussion about how we both have extreme pressure to be married. We have met eachothers siblings though.
2. No "I love you"
3. Does the rubberband thing where he gets super close and then pulls away
4. Avoids talk about marriage or children
5. No pictures except when we're drunk- he has stated he hates his picture being taken and will back out when his own friends are taking group shots.
6. Seems reluctant to travel with me when I brought up the idea.

Pros:
1. does over the top things to impress me. Valentines day and my bday pulled out all the stops
2. first gf that he's introduced his friends to. he dated one chick for 8 months and none of them ever met her. said he didn't want to introduce her.
3. We never fight, the one time when he sensed me get mad he panicked and had his friends sister talk to me.
4. we talk every day, usually he initiates it
5. tries really hard to please me in bed.
6. actively listens and remembers things I've said
7. has made plans for 3 months from now
8. gets along with my friends
9. expressed interest in my hobbies and being involved with them. (ex: going to my performances)
10. honestly the list goes on and on........

My main red flags are the fact that he avoids talk on the distant future, meeting the families, and the lack of a verbal "I love you"

Am I expecting too much or does this seem on track?

April 29, 2016

Lots of diffrerent people are used to different speeds. You haven't stated anything about his past relationships, but I would assume that he might think 5 months isn't too much of a long time. I am personally in a 5 month relationship and from the very beginning we both went at an incredibly fast pace. He basically made us exclusive from the first hour we met in person after 1 night of texting. However my previous relationships have never been anything like that.

5 months flashed before my eyes so quickly, I swear November was just yesterday.

Different people have different past relationships that form their ideas and expectations of current relationships. there's no way of really knowing what made him want to take things really slow, but this could also be seen as a good sign. Maybe he wants to take time with you and not rush things with you because he truly likes/ is in to you. There's no need to rush in to things if you are willing to really let it go somewhere more serious.

At least now you know when he says I love you it'll be real, unlike people who say it because they think their partner would feel better.

As for the parents thing, being 30 I would imagine he's tired of introducing people to his parents over and over again, he probably wants to feel serious until he takes that step.

You never know, sometimes he could be getting vibes from you that you don't even know you give off.

April 29, 2016

I see nothing glaringly wrong about your relationship and see a lot of good things.

Few things though...

When he pulls back, how long does it last and now often? What does pulling back look like?

Has he mentioned the word "love" when talking to you? Many guys when leading up the the I love you's will throw the word around to "warm up".

The rest I wouldn't worry about at this stage. It's still pretty early to get parents involved and to talk about distant future. Many guys hate pictures.

Try not to compare yourselves to others. My bf and I have taken things more slowly than others but I can't tell you the number of couples who progressed super quickly and are now broken up.

The good seems to outweigh the bad. Have fun and let things flow naturally. Try not to overthink or compare.

Edited April 29, 2016 by hippychick3

April 29, 2016

Cons:
1. His parents don't know about me.
Mine don't know either because they try to get overly involved. We have had this discussion about how we both have extreme pressure to be married. We have met eachothers siblings though.
2. No "I love you"
3. Does the rubberband thing where he gets super close and then pulls away
4. Avoids talk about marriage or children
5. No pictures except when we're drunk- he has stated he hates his picture being taken and will back out when his own friends are taking group shots.
6. Seems reluctant to travel with me when I brought up the idea.

Pros:
1. does over the top things to impress me. Valentines day and my bday pulled out all the stops
2. first gf that he's introduced his friends to. he dated one chick for 8 months and none of them ever met her. said he didn't want to introduce her.
3. We never fight, the one time when he sensed me get mad he panicked and had his friends sister talk to me.
4. we talk every day, usually he initiates it
5. tries really hard to please me in bed.
6. actively listens and remembers things I've said
7. has made plans for 3 months from now
8. gets along with my friends
9. expressed interest in my hobbies and being involved with them. (ex: going to my performances)
10. honestly the list goes on and on........

My main red flags are the fact that he avoids talk on the distant future, meeting the families, and the lack of a verbal "I love you"

You're expecting more than he's willing to deliver and it's not on track for anything but to go nowhere really fast.

He doesn't want to incorporate you in a life together It could very well be because he's keeping his parents out of his business because he's sick of listening to them harp on when he's going to settle down and create grandchildren for them. He sounds like he's managing their (and your) expectations by keeping you out of their line of site.

However, not wanting any kind of a pictoral record that you and he are involved is troubling. His reasons are not good enough if he's having sex with you and leading you to believe that you two are in a relationship.

One thing that should go from the pros column to the cons column is him taking a chicken isht way out of addressing problems. He drags other people into your business to avoid resolving it? His sister's friend had no business talking to you about anything--it was between you and him. If he's not mature enough to clear up misunderstanding and has to do the junior high school avoidance shtick of grabbing his sister's friend, then I don't hold out much hope for this guy--he's got a lot of growing up to do. This isn't a behavior I'd expect to see in a 30-something year old man.

He may not tell you he loves you because perhaps he doesn't and he doesn't want to give you false hope of distant futures when he's not feeling that right now. To tell you that would mean that a move forward towards that future is expected--because that's what a reasonable person would do. I dont' think he's your forever man. I think he's marking time with you, to be honest.

April 29, 2016

In terms of his past relationships: except hs and college his only relationships were only 2-3 months, he would be the dumper. Before me there was a chick he dated for 8 months (only 2 exclusively) and none of his friends ever met her. He said he didn't want to bring her around and eventually dumped her. With me he asked to be exclusive after 4 dates and brought me to a large party with most of his friends on date 5.

As for the rubber band thing. It's happened twice. The first time was for about a week, the second was for 2 days. He just becomes really quiet/distant, kinda moody, doesn't initiate conversation (but would reply when I initiated). He usually blames it on work because his job sucks.

For warming up to ILY, he has said things like "all I want to do is make you happy", " I really like you", "I want you"....

April 29, 2016

girl.... how old are you two ? being bf/bg means nothing if he is emotionally unavailable.

So he was there for your birthday. How about his? Will he spend it with you?

So he spends time with your friends. How about his? Do they know you, do you hang out together?

OP, I've dated a dude somewhat similar to yours. No plans for travel, no friends of his around, literally missed to meet his parents. It's not the parents, but the plans and not wanting to do stuff with me, like plans more than just going to see a concert together.

Anyways, it is up to you to do the math. All I know is I am over 30 and a dude who doesn't know what he wants is not for me. I am driven, I'm a goal getter and can't stand dudes who just float around.

I know a lot of laid back dudes are really nice people, so you have to know what rocks your boat and what doesn't.

Think really carefully, because RS with emotionally unavailable men tend to swallow women up, and their time with them. We're not young forever. Choose whom to spend your time with wisely.

April 29, 2016

girl.... how old are you two ? being bf/bg means nothing if he is emotionally unavailable. I really haven't brought up anything emotional with him, because I don't like looking vulnerable.

So he was there for your birthday. How about his? Will he spend it with you? We did spend my bday together, and the following weekend we spent is together entirely

So he spends time with your friends. How about his? Do they know you, do you hang out together? Do his friends know me? Yea, I even have some of their numbers and am invited to their stuff all the time. Our friend groups have mixed and gotten along together on multiple occasions.

OP, I've dated a dude somewhat similar to yours. No plans for travel, no friends of his around, literally missed to meet his parents. It's not the parents, but the plans and not wanting to do stuff with me, like plans more than just going to see a concert together. The parent thing I've addressed. But I got closer than girls in the past.
Anyways, it is up to you to do the math. All I know is I am over 30 and a dude who doesn't know what he wants is not for me. I am driven, I'm a goal getter and can't stand dudes who just float around.

I know a lot of laid back dudes are really nice people, so you have to know what rocks your boat and what doesn't.

Think really carefully, because RS with emotionally unavailable men tend to swallow women up, and their time with them. We're not young forever. Choose whom to spend your time with wisely.

See bold font for responses

April 29, 2016

how old are you - both of you?

I asked about his birthday, not yours. Did he spend it with you? Are you invited to personal, private events in his life?

Being in a RS is about talking, being emotional, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open up to your bf... it's the whole point of dating.

i understand the basic need to feel safe and look strong and perfect, but that's not whom you are. That's not how anyone is. No one is strong all the time and certainly no one's perfect.

You can spend years together and yet be like strangers because neither one of you is letting their shields down. That's the moment when the true RS start. Not when you get naked in front of eachother, but when you allow your souls to get naked in front of eachother. Anything else is just ... lying to eachother - and your yourselves... What kind of RS do you want?

April 29, 2016

He is still getting to know you and doesn't take "I love you." lightly. My guess he will not proceed unless he is damn sure he wants a future with you. It's just too early to tell for him. Some people wait a year, and make a decision then.

Me I have expectations that I want fulfilled.... like meeting the parents, I love you's, etc, must occur within around 1 to 3 months. If not I know it's not happening for a reason...we are not that into each other, so I move on. (Just my experience).

So it's up to you on how long you are going to wait.

April 29, 2016

He is still getting to know you and doesn't take "I love you." lightly. My guess he will not proceed unless he is damn sure he wants a future with you. It's just too early to tell for him. Some people wait a year, and make a decision then.

Me I have expectations that I want fulfilled.... like meeting the parents, I love you's, etc, must occur within around 1 to 3 months. If not I know it's not happening for a reason...we are not that into each other, so I move on. (Just my experience).

So it's up to you on how long you are going to wait.

I have never heard of a man waiting one year and they saying ILY. It either happens early or it never happens, that was my experience thus far.

sh*tty math, but is it an important milestone.

I do see your point, it all depends on the person in front of us. I am warm and impulsive, sometimes ice cold and rational, but generally affectionate. I know I need to feel, express and receive affection. As I am the type to say ILY within the first 6 months, I don't see myself closing it for a year, only to wait for him to say it first. I don't see myself being the only one to say it either.

It's a matter of compatibility of characters. I know how I am. I love and accept myself and my needs. I know what's good for me . I don't feel like denying whom I am and what I need to date a man who, in the end, does not make me happy. I stayed in cold RS, I tried to safe approach and it only made me unhappy. Profoundly unhappy.

April 29, 2016

Live in the present

If it's good now, it will most likely be good in the future.

3 months ahead is far enough to plan until "I love you" is said.

Enjoy your time together.

Take care.

April 29, 2016

how old are you - both of you?

I asked about his birthday, not yours. Did he spend it with you? Are you invited to personal, private events in his life?

Being in a RS is about talking, being emotional, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open up to your bf... it's the whole point of dating.

i understand the basic need to feel safe and look strong and perfect, but that's not whom you are. That's not how anyone is. No one is strong all the time and certainly no one's perfect.

You can spend years together and yet be like strangers because neither one of you is letting their shields down. That's the moment when the true RS start. Not when you get naked in front of eachother, but when you allow your souls to get naked in front of eachother. Anything else is just ... lying to eachother - and your yourselves... What kind of RS do you want?

His birthday isn't for another two months. But we do plan on spending it together. We do have intimate talks about the past and who we are individually. During our time together we both have been able to openly vent to eachother about ongoing problems we have outside of eachother.

April 29, 2016

well... it sounds good, then. Give it some more time and see how it goes.

I think a few more months will make a big difference. there's something about 6 months - some men freak out and withdraw while other finally open up and let their guards down, right around that time.

you didn't give me your age, so you must be young. It's ok, OP, give it time. You'll be fine, as long as you have your heart in the right place.

One funny thing I've discovered, it's almost a trick: being honest with people around me makes them be honest back with me. When they are not, I feel it and they feel it as well. Either way, the truth surges. Keep that in mind, just in case you feel a strigent need to get the answers to some important questions.

Best of luck, OP!

April 29, 2016

I should also let it be known that I usually don't say ILY first. I feel love, but I grew up in a household where ILY wasn't said. Same goes for my parents. It's not that we don't love each other, we were all raised to be kind cold and aloof.

In my longest relationships, I was with a guy for 5 yrs and it took him 17 months to tell me. He said it took him forever because he was scared to say it. The other guy told me on date 4, demanded I say it back, and that led to 2.5 yrs of abuse.

So I've experienced both extremes lol.

April 29, 2016

gosh... sorry to hear about this, JJ.

I am not sure I understand why you started this thread... I think no RS is perfect and there really is no such thing as a perfectly normal person. We all have our demons.

Apologies to be this blunt, but... if sex is great to mindblowing, you'll most prob make the 6 months threshold . We're so much more instinctive than we realize it.

April 29, 2016

The other guy told me on date 4, demanded I say it back, and that led to 2.5 yrs of abuse.

Yup, same experience with a guy that told me ILY within the first week... If I even date again I'd take this as a MAJOR red flag. The guy just needed my money...

In that respect - post-abuse everything 'normal' feels 'awkward'. Your relationship sounds perfectly normal to me, even the push-pull stuff is not extreme at all... We all have our moody weeks, if it was consistent it would be worrying.

Btw why are you pushing forward the parents meeting? I'm just curious because I still can't gain confidence for that and its over an year. So I'm curious how much of a red flag is it for other people.

Also, when do you plan to introduce your parents? This maybe a good time to discuss 'future'.

April 29, 2016

Just FYI... I know you talked about merely telling his parents about you. But in regards to meeting parents, I didn't meet my bf's parents until over a year into the relationship and he hasn't even met mine yet. And we've been together over 2 1/2 years. They don't live in the same town so there has been limited opportunity. But we are old enough where it's not a big deal unless they were in town and I was hiding him.

April 29, 2016

Wrong area wooops !!

Edited April 29, 2016 by Gardener121
Wrong area

April 29, 2016

I have never heard of a man waiting one year and they saying ILY. It either happens early or it never happens, that was my experience thus far.

sh*tty math, but is it an important milestone.

not disagreeing but you live in europe where i happen to know it's different with ily than it is here in US as a generalization. Using my personal math experience, lol. American guys can be reluctant. It's a cultural thing

don't know where the OP is from or her guy.

April 29, 2016

well... it sounds good, then. Give it some more time and see how it goes.

I think a few more months will make a big difference. there's something about 6 months - some men freak out and withdraw while other finally open up and let their guards down, right around that time.

you didn't give me your age, so you must be young. It's ok, OP, give it time. You'll be fine, as long as you have your heart in the right place.

One funny thing I've discovered, it's almost a trick: being honest with people around me makes them be honest back with me. When they are not, I feel it and they feel it as well. Either way, the truth surges. Keep that in mind, just in case you feel a strigent need to get the answers to some important questions.

Best of luck, OP!

Yeah i agree with the sentiment of candie's that perhaps if you let down your guard a bit first. Be honest about how you feel about him. You can even be self-deprecating while you do it to an extent if that makes it more in each other's comfort zones. Usually out of an honest moment like that, each person lets their guard down. I don't see why you shouldn't go first. He sounds like a good guy. A few of my friends are with guys that sound very similar to your guy. A couple of them freaked out at around the same time frame as you 4-5 months (the girls freaked out), as a neutral outsider, I could see the guys were totally into them and yep still together.

April 29, 2016

not disagreeing but you live in europe where i happen to know it's different with ily than it is here in US as a generalization. Using my personal math experience, lol. American guys can be reluctant. It's a cultural thing

don't know where the OP is from or her guy.

totally. that's exactly why i said "in my experience". I'm sure there are men like that even in Europe.

Given how I am, I know that didn't happen. Perhaps because I didn't stay long enough with a dude to find out - if it didn't happen naturally during the first 6 months, I was out. It's one of the reasons why I have left my previous RS - my ex bf was of Asian origin and that sure didn't make the communication more fluid.

Honestly, it's not meant to be difficult, no one's supposed to make sociological studies to find out what it is and what's not socially acceptable. One is either fine with the emotional closeness they have in their RS or not.

In my humble opinion, it's not even about saying ILY, it's about feeling loved. And no, I'm not talking about just spending time. I'm talking physical and emotional closeness, about those butterflies in the stomach and weak knees.

I make a difference between saying ILY and having my partner making me feel loved. As long as my emotional needs are fulfilled, I think I could live without hearing the words - also I'm bound to drop it, if I think it, I usually say it .

April 30, 2016

Hi OP,

I was going to make the same point as kenhahke - his way of dealing with conflict sucks.

A man in his thirties shouldn't be panicked at the thought of disagreement.

That's a serious red flag and would suggest he doesn't deal well with emotions.

I also agree with others that 5 months is too soon to be expecting a lot...but I would keep my eyes peeled.

May 2, 2016

Every relationship moves at different speeds. It's up to you to decide what is right. Have you told him how you feel about how fast things are moving? Maybe he will express how he feels and you will know what he's thinking. Communication seems to be the best solution to relationship problems. Best of luck! I hope you two are happy together!

May 22, 2016

so i asked my bf of 6 months where he thought this relationship going. he said in terms of marriage he " can see us getting there but it's too early to definitely tell" and that he "doesn't like/want to talk in absolutes so early"

from a guys perspective, is this a good or bad thing? or is he blowing smoke up my ass?

6 months is early i agree, but i feel like at this point you have some kind of idea.

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