WhatYouWantToHear Posted May 22, 2016 Share Posted May 22, 2016 Yes, he's blowing smoke up your ass. But what do you expect? You asked him to blow smoke up there. Your relationship sounds like a bad sitcom plot line. You're playing the role of the typical chick--"I need to know this is going somewhere". And he's playing the typical guy who really doesn't care, but knows you do. So, his answer needs to be non-commital, yet not totally off-putting to you. So he gives you a sliver of hope without making any promises. In all honesty, he's being honest with you. Guys don't give a sixth of a crap about this conversation and just want it to be over. He's not even thinking about marriage--yeah or nay. So its not like he's purposely stringing you along, but its also not like he's givin it serious thought--nor will he. Guys aren't on the same timeline or relationship value system as chicks. Link to post Share on other sites
Dis Posted May 22, 2016 Share Posted May 22, 2016 so i asked my bf of 6 months where he thought this relationship going. he said in terms of marriage he " can see us getting there but it's too early to definitely tell" and that he "doesn't like/want to talk in absolutes so early" from a guys perspective, is this a good or bad thing? or is he blowing smoke up my ass? 6 months is early i agree, but i feel like at this point you have some kind of idea. At 6 months I think you can "tell" if things are moving that way but I dont think you can be sure....but then again you can never be 100% sure about anything...esp relationships...things can change at the drop of a hat. I dont think this is necessarily a bad thing but it seems alittle wishy washy. You werent asking him to propose...you were just asking a question that I think is fine to ask at 6 months. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted May 22, 2016 Author Share Posted May 22, 2016 i told him when we started dating that i wasn't looking just for fun and reminded him of it yesterday. i said if he had any doubts we wouldnt have made it this far. and from what i know of his history he dumps girls right away as soon as he has doubts. Link to post Share on other sites
Dis Posted May 22, 2016 Share Posted May 22, 2016 i told him when we started dating that i wasn't looking just for fun and reminded him of it yesterday. i said if he had any doubts we wouldnt have made it this far. and from what i know of his history he dumps girls right away as soon as he has doubts. Okkkk hun...what are you doing??? Why would you date a flight risk??? Youre just asking to get dumped IMO Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 22, 2016 Share Posted May 22, 2016 I don't see anything wrong with his answer. He sees a future with you, but at only six months in it's too early to make promises. Entirely sensible response IMO 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted May 22, 2016 Author Share Posted May 22, 2016 Okkkk hun...what are you doing??? Why would you date a flight risk??? Youre just asking to get dumped IMO well id rather get dumped now than invest more time and emotion 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 All of the items on your cons list are huge red flags. Of course at 6 months it's early to be speaking marriage and babies but at 6 month, in most cases, people know if they are in love, and they know if there is chemistry, connection and compatibility. The fact his parents don't even know about your existence after 6 months is very telling. When we date someone and they grab our heart we can't wait to tell everyone. In a way you are not special enough to be mentioned to his mom. I don't say that to be mean, I say that to make you see what's lying beneath. Don't make the mistake of investing another 6 months. I felt in that game once and I finally broke it after 1 year and I still had not met his family, friends, or my family and friends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 We hang out with each others friends all the time. And we've met siblings. I'm actually not ready for him to meet my parents or tell them yet because then the pressure will multiply by a million Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 We hang out with each others friends all the time. And we've met siblings. I'm actually not ready for him to meet my parents or tell them yet because then the pressure will multiply by a million Are you from a culture that meeting the parents means getting married? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 lol you'd think so. We're both the children of Irish and Scottish super Catholic immigrants Link to post Share on other sites
venusishername Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 (edited) I don't know. To me it sounds like he's not sure and wishy washy. If you are having doubts, there is your answer. When you are sure, there's no question about it. If he loved you, he would tell you. If he was in love with you, he'd tell you as well as show you. In my experience, when you have strong feelings for someone, it's uncommon to not express the word 'love' or 'I love you' or even simply 'I'm in love with you' after even a couple months of exclusively dating. Not meeting the parents? Usually you can't wait to introduce your love to your family and friends. My current boyfriend after a couple months was asking me to meet my parents. He introduced me to his family and friends, and vice versa. There's no secret. We're not over the top about it like posting pictures on Facebook and stuff like that. But we don't keep it under wraps either. It's out there. Not talking about the 'distant future' seems reasonable at this stage. But talking about 3 months from now? That seems fine to me. My guy started talking about our plans for the end of the year about 5 months in. We talk about travel all the time. We've openly talked about marriage and kids and what we are looking for. This is a sign of a man who is emotionally available. He said I love you within the first couple months, he said it first. Up until that point, he was dropping the word 'love' around, it was in the form of 'I'm falling in love with you', 'I adore you', things like that. Now it's so natural, his "I love yous" come so easily. I think this is the way it should look like at this stage and I am totally comfortable with it. If it wasn't happening, I wouldn't feel that the relationship was really worth banking on or investing in. It would seem to me superficial. Your guy seems to me emotionally unavailable and definitely gun-shy about commitment. He's not taking it as seriously as you are. It should be glaringly obvious and impossible to ignore when a man is really into you. If you have to wonder where you stand, you stand nowhere... Edited May 23, 2016 by venusishername Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 so i asked my bf of 6 months where he thought this relationship going. he said in terms of marriage he " can see us getting there but it's too early to definitely tell" and that he "doesn't like/want to talk in absolutes so early" from a guys perspective, is this a good or bad thing? or is he blowing smoke up my ass? 6 months is early i agree, but i feel like at this point you have some kind of idea. Do you know if you want to marry him now?after only 6 months ? I don't know why people here keep telling you "he should know by now". Like others have said every one moves at different pace. I have a bf of 5 month (6 soon) and I like him a lot but we haven't said ILY yet and I don't see the big deal?! Some people throw it out real soon real easy they say ILY to every partner they've had and they still break up in the end anyway?? Actions speaks louder than words. Also by 5 months I don't know if I wanna marry my bf and I'm sure he will freak out too if I talk to him about marriage already! so same goes for you and your guy For me 6 months is extremely short to decide on anything big. Too soon to even think about marriage and I don't tell people I love them just after few months. That is not love in my book. Love is when you are willing to do anything for him. Love is till death do us apart. Love takes much more than 6 months to reach. Is your guy emotionally unavailable ? Maybe . But not because he hasn't said I love you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted June 2, 2016 Author Share Posted June 2, 2016 (edited) so we had another discussion last night. we realized we had come to a cross roads at 6 months and wanted to see if it should move forward or break it off. we both agreed we wanted to move forward and progress. we told eachother what we want out of this and our expectations. he also said he plans on telling his parents about me this weekend. there were compromises involved. however, he told me he isn't in love with me, yet. that he really likes me, is very into me, but he isn't in love because he too thinks its because of how slow everything is ( he explained my roll in things being slow-and i actually agree). when i asked if hes ever been in love with anyone before he said "honestly no" i asked if i dumped him would he have been upset? he said "yes very, but i wouldn't have stopped you if thats what you wanted" i'm so confused. up until now, all his actions /body language/and consistent contact made me think he was or that we were getting there. he was always telling me all the things he liked about me and us. we're going to further discuss things this weekend, when were more clear headed. if hes not inlove with me, why would he want to progess to the next level and try to make it more serious. i need advice (from guys) regarding this. and i'd apprectiate something more then just kick him to the curb/dump him. Edited June 2, 2016 by JiltedJane Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 He really likes you but doesn't love you yet and it is totally OK. Some people treat love very seriously! After all it's only 6 month! Are your needs not being met by him? If not, if you are enjoying what you have now then I don't see why can't you give it a bit more time! Don't fix it if it aint broken Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 if hes not inlove with me, why would he want to progess to the next level and try to make it more serious. I think you are probably more attractive than his previous women, certainly the one he was hiding from his friends (the 8 months girl). I agree with the others too that his poor handling of conflicts is bad, though his distancing himself for 2 days is ok, 1 week is too long. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 Do you know if you want to marry him now?after only 6 months ? I don't know why people here keep telling you "he should know by now". Like others have said every one moves at different pace. I have a bf of 5 month (6 soon) and I like him a lot but we haven't said ILY yet and I don't see the big deal?! Some people throw it out real soon real easy they say ILY to every partner they've had and they still break up in the end anyway?? Actions speaks louder than words. Also by 5 months I don't know if I wanna marry my bf and I'm sure he will freak out too if I talk to him about marriage already! so same goes for you and your guy For me 6 months is extremely short to decide on anything big. Too soon to even think about marriage and I don't tell people I love them just after few months. That is not love in my book. Love is when you are willing to do anything for him. Love is till death do us apart. Love takes much more than 6 months to reach. Is your guy emotionally unavailable ? Maybe . But not because he hasn't said I love you I think that common wisdom is (and I certainly agree with it) that it takes a couple of years to get to know someone enough to be sort of guess whether marriage would stand a chance. However, people are not logical creatures and the conversation tends to happen before the 6 months mark, as one person tentatively raises it and the other person either smiles or runs out of the house screaming. It's not that you know, it's that you like the other person enough that you are happy to consider it. You feel the romance, you feel it building up in you. Of course it will often crash and burn way before it gets anywhere but if you don't start feeling those butterflies and stupid thoughts in your head by the 6 months mark (or sooner, really), they never come. Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 My main red flags are the fact that he avoids talk on the distant future, meeting the families, and the lack of a verbal "I love you" You're a side piece and not someone he sees a future with... Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 He really likes you but doesn't love you yet and it is totally OK. Some people treat love very seriously! After all it's only 6 month! What? 6 month mark you should definitely know... heck, even at the 3 month mark. Families should have met by now, even a "I Love You" tossed out there but that's debatable... This guy is stringing her along until he finds someone he likes better. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 He sounds terrified of commitment. The fact that he's in his 30's and he's never introduced a girlfriend to his friends before you, is extremely odd. Also the fact that the longest he's ever dated someone before is only 8 months is also a bit of a red flag. I'm not saying it's a death sentence, but you are really dating someone who has never really had a relationship before. You might need to start setting some expectations. Also what is the deal with his friends? Are they all still single? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted June 2, 2016 Author Share Posted June 2, 2016 What? 6 month mark you should definitely know... heck, even at the 3 month mark. Families should have met by now, even a "I Love You" tossed out there but that's debatable... This guy is stringing her along until he finds someone he likes better. i've discussed the whole meeting families thing before. he agreed in our discussion that we'll do that soon. our siblings have met. other than that, i don't think its time for our parents to meet each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted June 2, 2016 Author Share Posted June 2, 2016 He sounds terrified of commitment. The fact that he's in his 30's and he's never introduced a girlfriend to his friends before you, is extremely odd. Also the fact that the longest he's ever dated someone before is only 8 months is also a bit of a red flag. I'm not saying it's a death sentence, but you are really dating someone who has never really had a relationship before. You might need to start setting some expectations. Also what is the deal with his friends? Are they all still single? all his friends are married with kids. they all seem to really like me. they personally text me to invite me to stuff instead of just relying on him to pass the message along. Which he does regardless. i know i have to set up expectations, hence the convo last night. Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 He sounds terrified of commitment. The fact that he's in his 30's and he's never introduced a girlfriend to his friends before you, is extremely odd. Also the fact that the longest he's ever dated someone before is only 8 months is also a bit of a red flag. I'm not saying it's a death sentence, but you are really dating someone who has never really had a relationship before. You might need to start setting some expectations. Terrified of commitment? Possibly. With her? I think so. I'm like this guy in that I've never had a long term relationship but just dated women. It can be seen as a red flag but I'm the type I will not be in relationship with a woman I'm not 100% into or see a future with... what's much worse are men who are in relationships, cheat on their woman the whole time, and hold onto her until they find someone better in their eyes. That's 100x worse but it gets over looked because they have relationship experience... wow! Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 Fair points Truth Seeker, that's why I said it's a red flag and not a death sentence. If he isn't that into her, she needs to push the issue though, and get him to make up his mind. There is nothing wrong with dating casually, but I don't blame someone in their 30's to not want to spend more than 6 months dating someone if it clearly isn't going anywhere. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 Fair points Truth Seeker, that's why I said it's a red flag and not a death sentence. If he isn't that into her, she needs to push the issue though, and get him to make up his mind. There is nothing wrong with dating casually, but I don't blame someone in their 30's to not want to spend more than 6 months dating someone if it clearly isn't going anywhere. 1) I agree. She needs to know right now where this is going. If he's still uncertain, she needs drop him and move on. 2) IMHO, you should know fairly soon, 3-6 months where it's going. That's when you go with your gut. If I'm at 6 months with someone and I don't see a future, I'm ending it. It's just a waste of time for everyone involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted June 2, 2016 Author Share Posted June 2, 2016 my ultimate confusion is why he would want to work on things and progess the relationship along if hes not in love? when i told him i didn't want to waste my time he said if i felt like this wasn't going anywhere i wouldnt be dating you. he also said that he could see us eventually getting married, but its too early to tell. i even told him i didn't want to have sex last night and he said he understood, "please just stay and be with me tonight" Link to post Share on other sites
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