What to expect 5-6 months into dating?

[GunslingerRoland]

 

Pros:

1. does over the top things to impress me. Valentines day and my bday pulled out all the stops

2. first gf that he's introduced his friends to. he dated one chick for 8 months and none of them ever met her. said he didn't want to introduce her.

3. We never fight, the one time when he sensed me get mad he panicked and had his friends sister talk to me.

4. we talk every day, usually he initiates it

5. tries really hard to please me in bed.

6. actively listens and remembers things I've said

7. has made plans for 3 months from now

8. gets along with my friends

9. expressed interest in my hobbies and being involved with them. (ex: going to my performances)

 

 

 

Because these are not the actions of a man having a fling, or casually dating someone he doesn't really care about. This sounds like love.

 

 

I think this is more about fear of commitment then lack of love. If he says he loves you, then you may have expectations, but if he says he's just trying to figure it out then you can't push too hard right? He may not even be admitting to himself that he loves you.

[truth_seeker]

my ultimate confusion is why he would want to work on things and progess the relationship along if hes not in love?

 

when i told him i didn't want to waste my time he said if i felt like this wasn't going anywhere i wouldnt be dating you.

he also said that he could see us eventually getting married, but its too early to tell.

i even told him i didn't want to have sex last night and he said he understood, "please just stay and be with me tonight"

 

I know a girl who was with a guy for 5 years. They lived together, families knew each other well... she kept bringing up marriage and he kept dodging it... well, he went on a retreat without her, met another woman, ditched his girlfriend, and ended up marrying this new girl a year later.

 

This guy knew all along he wasn't going to marry this girl but strung her along. Why? He was selfish. He wanted sex, companionship until he met someone he loved and could start a family with... make sure OP this guy isn't playing the sam game with you.

[JiltedJane]

I know a girl who was with a guy for 5 years. They lived together, families knew each other well... she kept bringing up marriage and he kept dodging it... well, he went on a retreat without her, met another woman, ditched his girlfriend, and ended up marrying this new girl a year later.

 

This guy knew all along he wasn't going to marry this girl but strung her along. Why? He was selfish. He wanted sex, companionship until he met someone he loved and could start a family with... make sure OP this guy isn't playing the sam game with you.

 

i pretty much had that same exact experience

[Emilia]

my ultimate confusion is why he would want to work on things and progess the relationship along if hes not in love?

 

when i told him i didn't want to waste my time he said if i felt like this wasn't going anywhere i wouldnt be dating you.

he also said that he could see us eventually getting married, but its too early to tell.

i even told him i didn't want to have sex last night and he said he understood, "please just stay and be with me tonight"

It might be that his lack of experience is bugging him and he is trying to turn that around.

 

I guess I'm confused as to why you are focusing on what he wants. Why aren't you focusing on what you want? If you want things differently and he isn't doing that (obviously give him a little more time), it's time to make a decision.

[JiltedJane]

It might be that his lack of experience is bugging him and he is trying to turn that around.

 

I guess I'm confused as to why you are focusing on what he wants. Why aren't you focusing on what you want? If you want things differently and he isn't doing that (obviously give him a little more time), it's time to make a decision.

 

he knows what i want now. i also want to focus on his wants simultaneously because there are two people here. not just me

[Emilia]

he knows what i want now. i also want to focus on his wants simultaneously because there are two people here. not just me

But what's the point guessing, his actions very soon will be speaking louder than words. You need to focus on the decision you soon have to make.

[JiltedJane]

But what's the point guessing, his actions very soon will be speaking louder than words. You need to focus on the decision you soon have to make.

 

 

he also addressed what he wants and we decided to continue the convo this weekend when we were calmer and had clearer heads.

 

another reason im confused is because i too believe that actions speak louder than words. all the pros on my pro list point to love. every other stupid list ive read on the internet that says "way he shows he loves you without saying" all describe him.

 

so i just dont get it.

[No_Go]

I went through the whole thread but still can't get what do you want: 1) to get married in a short track or 2) get a confirmation that marriage is in his future plans (not necessarily soon) or 3) gain / get confirmation for his love.

 

Because you have all answers: 1), 3) - he said no; It may change - are you willing to wait? 2) he said he don't know right now (which btw is veery normal at 6 months), but he's not opposing to the idea in the future

 

Also, why the rush with the parents? For me personally this would be a deal breaker (my BF tried many times to pressure me, every time with the only effect - on my end - break up thoughts).

[JiltedJane]

Like I said, I can understand not meeting the parents yet. I'm personally reluctant even with mine because they try to get over involved.

 

I am willing to wait a little longer for "love" as dumb as that sounds. But I'm out if things don't get there in the next few months

[frus69]

 

However, people are not logical creatures and the conversation tends to happen before the 6 months mark, as one person tentatively raises it and the other person either smiles or runs out of the house screaming.

 

It's not that you know, it's that you like the other person enough that you are happy to consider it. You feel the romance, you feel it building up in you.

The conversation tends to happen before the 6 months mark? The conversation about what? Marriage? People tend to talk about marriage just after 6 months? What??

If you are talking about meeting parents, yes it does happen after 6 month and I think OP's guy has agreed to it?

"Happy to consider it" -yes. OP's guy does say he sees the possibility, so what's the problem?

What? 6 month mark you should definitely know... heck, even at the 3 month mark.

.

Know what? Know you want to marry them? I honestly don't think 6 months is long enough to know that..

 

 

OP's guy obviously does not have much experiences in relationships. But I also think people here jump to conclusions very quick. I think it's worth it to give it a bit more time if you really like him OP. Go another 6 month and see what happens

[JiltedJane]

Update:

More confusion into how this guy can say he's not In love- when he's doing everything to prove otherwise.

 

The two days we didn't see eachother he was texting me nonstop. Then we spent three days together. The first night he suprised me with dinner and then brought me to icecream, was extra attentive like he was when we first started dating. Holding my hand, finding the perfect place to sit and talk, etc.

The next day same thing, totally doting on me. Brought me to a friends party where I met a ton of people I didn't know. Then he started showing me key places in his hometown.... Including his childhood home. The third day he suggested we cook together, which we did. Again, doted on me all day.

 

I asked about our fight/discussion and he said that he didn't mean the things he said. He was just mad, sleep deprived and that it was mean of him. Didn't say the "L" word, which I don't expect right now.

 

Am I wrong or are these not signs of a man in love? Or at least someone who's getting there/ gives a ****?

Id like to point out I was hyper aware of everything this weekend and even though he put effort into his actions they didn't seem forced.

[Gaeta]

I asked about our fight/discussion and he said that he didn't mean the things he said. He was just mad, sleep deprived and that it was mean of him. Didn't say the "L" word, which I don't expect right now.

 

Am I wrong or are these not signs of a man in love? Or at least someone who's getting there/ gives a ****?

Id like to point out I was hyper aware of everything this weekend and even though he put effort into his actions they didn't seem forced.

 

So you did not continue this conversation, when you brought it up again he kind of killed it with an apology and didn't talk further about a possible future with you. So it's the status Quo for you.

[JiltedJane]

So you did not continue this conversation, when you brought it up again he kind of killed it with an apology and didn't talk further about a possible future with you. So it's the status Quo for you.

 

Yes I brought it back up. But we did continue the convo, restated what we wanted, and tied up loose ends from the other night.

[JiltedJane]

Conversation aside, anyone have any ideas for his behavior?

[Versacehottie]

Conversation aside, anyone have any ideas for his behavior?

 

Hmmm, I'm going to have to go back and re-read the whole thread to make sure I've got it in context right. But if the above behavior is good, why the overriding concern for an ILY or title or whatever? I need to re-read but if a guy is slow to "emote" but treats you well and shows you he cares about you, you may be a step ahead of those other relationships you idolize or assume are great bc they got an ILY faster! How a person treats you is super important! IMO, if the ILY is false anyway, him treating you well trumps that. Basically if the guy is treating you to your liking and it's fits in with where you are in life, why worry about one part of it (an ILY)?

 

It just says to me he's not moving as fast as you are and that YOU may be the one rushing things because you are not taking him into consideration. If all other actions are loving, leave it alone for now. No one can predict what he will do in the future. You just have to do what is right for you. As an outsider, I think it would be silly to throw away a relationship you enjoy and where you are treated well because you are using some arbitrary timetable of benchmarks. If there is general holding back on opening up to you overall and being open about his emotions and future plans of some sort with you, then there is a syndrome of things going on that might be worth breaking up with him. It doesn't sound like it though. I need to go back and re-read though. And will do.

[Versacehottie]

Update:

More confusion into how this guy can say he's not In love- when he's doing everything to prove otherwise.

 

The two days we didn't see eachother he was texting me nonstop. Then we spent three days together. The first night he suprised me with dinner and then brought me to icecream, was extra attentive like he was when we first started dating. Holding my hand, finding the perfect place to sit and talk, etc.

The next day same thing, totally doting on me. Brought me to a friends party where I met a ton of people I didn't know. Then he started showing me key places in his hometown.... Including his childhood home. The third day he suggested we cook together, which we did. Again, doted on me all day.

 

I asked about our fight/discussion and he said that he didn't mean the things he said. He was just mad, sleep deprived and that it was mean of him. Didn't say the "L" word, which I don't expect right now.

 

Am I wrong or are these not signs of a man in love? Or at least someone who's getting there/ gives a ****?

Id like to point out I was hyper aware of everything this weekend and even though he put effort into his actions they didn't seem forced.

 

Re-reading this. He's probably close to figuring it out. You process your thoughts and emotions one way but not everyone does the same way. You also if I read between the lines are probably pushing a bit. You are frustrated because you think the words sum up much more and because you are ahead of him with how you feel. Can it possibly just be that? And can you give him time to get there? I think you need to pull back and just give back to him when you get effort like these great weekends. You notice that came right after you were away. That means, to me, that when you are "right there" he feels pressure. He needs the absence of you to be aware of his feelings. Try to just be in the moment. Let him push things to the next stage. Why the rush anyway? You need to be fair to him.

[Leigh 87]

Re-reading this. He's probably close to figuring it out. You process your thoughts and emotions one way but not everyone does the same way. You also if I read between the lines are probably pushing a bit. You are frustrated because you think the words sum up much more and because you are ahead of him with how you feel. Can it possibly just be that? And can you give him time to get there? I think you need to pull back and just give back to him when you get effort like these great weekends. You notice that came right after you were away. That means, to me, that when you are "right there" he feels pressure. He needs the absence of you to be aware of his feelings. Try to just be in the moment. Let him push things to the next stage. Why the rush anyway? You need to be fair to him.

 

Ummm because sometimes, people prefer that a man falls hard for them?

 

Not falling in love by 6 monthsis definitely NOT falling very hard.

 

It indicates that he probably felt lukewarm initially and was never enamoured or infatuated. And I believe all good relationships have to at least start out with that blind, super lusty stage.

 

Men are different to women. Women can fall slowly. And arrive at the same destination as the girl who fell fast and hard. Where as men fall in love fast or they don't at all.

 

If this guy is legit not in love by now then he never will be IN love; he may however, grow to LOVE her and completely bypass the in love stage though.

 

My ex did this; said ILY after 5 mnths. He grew warm and fuzzy feelings. Was never infatuated. Was never overcome with lust. Was never super into me. Never fell hard for me. But he did feel some degree of lovey feelings and yes we did have a honeymoon phase but when a man falls slowly it.... it just isn't the same as when a man is enamoured with you:(

 

It sounds cruel but... men ARE visual! They fall hard when they are enamoured and taken with your looks! When they are not feeling a great spark they never truly fall for you or feek a great sense of raw passion.

 

I wouldn't personally be okay with this situation. ... because I know I am still young and attractive enough to find a man who feels great sparks with me and falls head over heels within mere months. No need to wait 6 months or date a man who is slower at arriving at ILY.

 

Sorry if this sounds depressing but I wish I had dumped my ex earlier and saved myself a world of pain when he met a woman who he WAS smitten with. Who ALl His friends and family commented on their " chemistry " and praised that he was finally with an " attractive " enough girl that he fell for properly unlike me who he " just wasnt in love with":sick:

 

I say.... look at the posts of the woman who had slower burn relationships successfully; their men were still smitten by 6 mnths. They were the ones slower to move in terms of their feelings. It's really never good news whe a guy stalls like this UNLESS he actually is in love. And just hasn't said it.

[frus69]

I don't see anything wrong in your BF's behaviour and since he is makin you happy, what's with the obsession on the eight letters?! Even I start to find you pushing, even annoying, OP. Are you insecure ? I cannot understand why you just have to hear the words, nothing else he can do is good enough ?

[Versacehottie]

I don't see anything wrong in your BF's behaviour and since he is makin you happy, what's with the obsession on the eight letters?! Even I start to find you pushing,

 

Yep, I agree with this, frus69.

[Versacehottie]

Ummm because sometimes, people prefer that a man falls hard for them?

 

 

While I don't agree with the majority of what you have written in your post, if the OP "prefers" a guy who falls hard for her and needs that, this is completely reasonable standard to have and therefore she should stop torturing herself and walk away.

 

Logically, I don't see that the failure of saying three words, when his actions are good, means he HASN'T fallen hard for her. I think she'd be making a mistake and should examine some of her own thoughts with regards to comparing herself to her friends and trying to rush (to what exactly?). So I wouldn't recommend or take this course of action.

 

But yes if she needs the fallen hard feeling from him and thinks the measure of it is those 3 words, then go ahead.

 

OP, I would encourage you to do some research about what the stages of falling in love for a guy are--it is not all based on looks, nor does it happen immediately, not to mention people vary.

[No_Go]

Maybe I'm a skeptic, but what will stop a guy that wants to stay around a woman for some reason (sex, companionship, money, house serving, whatever) to tell her what she wants to hear: 'ILY' (if that's her obsession), 'you're gorgeous' (if she's insecure), even my favorite 'I'm thinking about a future proposal' for the marriage obsessed ladies. It is just words - words that can be genuine OR a manipulation weapon.

 

JJ's BF SHOWS her that he loves her and TOLD her he's not ready for the next step yet: as clear and simple as it can be. Still she's reading smoke signals. I think if she continues asking him about their 'future' she'll hear 'ILY' - but is that what she wants?

 

Ummm because sometimes, people prefer that a man falls hard for them?

 

Not falling in love by 6 monthsis definitely NOT falling very hard.

 

It indicates that he probably felt lukewarm initially and was never enamoured or infatuated. And I believe all good relationships have to at least start out with that blind, super lusty stage.

 

Men are different to women. Women can fall slowly. And arrive at the same destination as the girl who fell fast and hard. Where as men fall in love fast or they don't at all.

 

If this guy is legit not in love by now then he never will be IN love; he may however, grow to LOVE her and completely bypass the in love stage though.

 

My ex did this; said ILY after 5 mnths. He grew warm and fuzzy feelings. Was never infatuated. Was never overcome with lust. Was never super into me. Never fell hard for me. But he did feel some degree of lovey feelings and yes we did have a honeymoon phase but when a man falls slowly it.... it just isn't the same as when a man is enamoured with you:(

 

It sounds cruel but... men ARE visual! They fall hard when they are enamoured and taken with your looks! When they are not feeling a great spark they never truly fall for you or feek a great sense of raw passion.

 

I wouldn't personally be okay with this situation. ... because I know I am still young and attractive enough to find a man who feels great sparks with me and falls head over heels within mere months. No need to wait 6 months or date a man who is slower at arriving at ILY.

 

Sorry if this sounds depressing but I wish I had dumped my ex earlier and saved myself a world of pain when he met a woman who he WAS smitten with. Who ALl His friends and family commented on their " chemistry " and praised that he was finally with an " attractive " enough girl that he fell for properly unlike me who he " just wasnt in love with":sick:

 

I say.... look at the posts of the woman who had slower burn relationships successfully; their men were still smitten by 6 mnths. They were the ones slower to move in terms of their feelings. It's really never good news whe a guy stalls like this UNLESS he actually is in love. And just hasn't said it.

[No_Go]

He's committed to you, likes spending time with you, cares how you feel.

 

He's probably still testing the waters though - that's why he's holding off ILY statements. It could be he feels a little guilty and trying to over-compensate. Although it is not grounded: he was upfront open and honest that he needs more time to determine how this relationship will resolve.

 

I think you have a great man in your hands , and the best for both is to back off (maybe for 4-5 months, until you reach the one-year mark), monitor his actions, and re-evaluate then.

 

Did he tell your parents about you over the weekend?

 

Update:

More confusion into how this guy can say he's not In love- when he's doing everything to prove otherwise.

 

The two days we didn't see eachother he was texting me nonstop. Then we spent three days together. The first night he suprised me with dinner and then brought me to icecream, was extra attentive like he was when we first started dating. Holding my hand, finding the perfect place to sit and talk, etc.

The next day same thing, totally doting on me. Brought me to a friends party where I met a ton of people I didn't know. Then he started showing me key places in his hometown.... Including his childhood home. The third day he suggested we cook together, which we did. Again, doted on me all day.

 

I asked about our fight/discussion and he said that he didn't mean the things he said. He was just mad, sleep deprived and that it was mean of him. Didn't say the "L" word, which I don't expect right now.

 

Am I wrong or are these not signs of a man in love? Or at least someone who's getting there/ gives a ****?

Id like to point out I was hyper aware of everything this weekend and even though he put effort into his actions they didn't seem forced.

[frus69]

 

JJ's BF SHOWS her that he loves her and TOLD her he's not ready for the next step yet: as clear and simple as it can be. Still she's reading smoke signals. I think if she continues asking him about their 'future' she'll hear 'ILY' - but is that what she wants?

 

I think if she continues asking him about their future, demanding ILY or marriage or whatever, she will hear "good bye"

[Gaeta]

I fully understand OP's worry.

 

Yes he's a good man giving her a lot of attention and affection but while he is figuring out if his feelings are love or not OP is investing herself deeper and deeper. Six months is a long time. I have just hit 6.5 months with my boyfriend. We spend all of our time together, family and friends are involved, I can't imagine how it would make me feel if he told me 'he is not sure his feelings are love.' Personally I would probably not continue. If after all of that time spent with me, in my home, in my life, and you still can't figure it out then it's because it's not there.

 

With everything you have shared together in the past 6 months what else the heck he needs to figure it out?

 

Maybe I think that way because I once give a man a full year to hear ILY and it never happened and like OP's boyfriend that man kept asking me for time, that time never came.

[getsmartie]

I love how so many women on this forum say that if a man hasn't expressed their undying love for them within months then they will never feel it. To me it's a major red flag when someone says it too soon.

 

Always look to their actions and it certainly looks like they spoke volumes this wknd.

 

My bf took over a year to tell me. Of course I would have loved to have it a bit sooner but his actions told me everything I needed to know at that time. Your bf may be the same.

 

Be patient....love isn't something he throws around.