Why Do Friends, Family, and Colleagues Constantly Flake On Me?

[TheBathWater]

Something strange is happening to me. Well over half of the times I have plans with a friend, colleague, or family member, they either cancel on the last minute or they actually don't even show up/stand me up (which is more rare, but it happens!).

 

Here is the kicker - many of these people are the ones making the plans with me! I get that sometimes things come up, but it just seems excessive. Probably the last 10 times I've made plans, I've been flaked on 7 of those times. Then I never hear from these people for months, only to have it happen again.

 

What am I supposed to do about this? Is it 'wrong' for me to feel disrespected and be upset? Is this the new norm? Is there something I'm missing here? Is there a way to avoid this? I have a way busier schedule than probably anyone I know of and I always keep plans when I make them. Moreover, because I'm so busy, I find it incredibly rude when people do this to me.

 

In my experience, this rarely or never used to happen before smartphones, by the way.

[carhill]

What am I supposed to do about this?

If they're valued loved ones and simply disrespecting your time, let them know it's unacceptable, then enforce the boundary.

Is it 'wrong' for me to feel disrespected and be upset?

You're entitled to feel as you wish.

Is this the new norm? Is there something I'm missing here?

It is, for some people. For others, it's been their norm their whole life.

Is there a way to avoid this?

Erase those who disrespect you and have a plan B should things go sideways.

I have a way busier schedule than probably anyone I know of and I always keep plans when I make them

That's a personal style. Seek out and engage people with a similar style.

Moreover, because I'm so busy, I find it incredibly rude when people do this to me.

Yup, the old adage we teach people how to treat us has some play. If we capitulate to disrespectful and rude behavior, then we enable it. Some healthy conflict now and again is invigorating for the soul. I mean, really, how important in the big scheme of life are these people? There are, what, 6+ billion people on the planet? You see how important you are to them. Equality

[preraph]

A LOT of people will walk all over you if you just go along with it. Turn them away, the ones who aren't family, and limit time with the ones who are. If you let them, people will often just see how much they can get away with , and no they do not respect you, so I don't know why you'd want them around.

[TheBathWater]

I like the idea of just distancing myself from those who don't respect my time, but this seems to be happening with just about everyone in my life - old and new. I wish I could say it's something about me and then work to change that, but these people are the ones setting up time to meet with me and then bail! I'm just starting to get the impression that either I have really bad luck or I just don't matter to anyone (and if so, how can I matter to others in the future?)

[carhill]

Heh, with the folks who never show or bail, experiment with a bit of it yourself. This is kinda like giving a bully a knuckle sandwich in the teeth. They kinda take a step back and view you in a different light. If they say anything, retort, hey, I was just trying out being you

[preraph]

I like the idea of just distancing myself from those who don't respect my time, but this seems to be happening with just about everyone in my life - old and new. I wish I could say it's something about me and then work to change that, but these people are the ones setting up time to meet with me and then bail! I'm just starting to get the impression that either I have really bad luck or I just don't matter to anyone (and if so, how can I matter to others in the future?)

 

If it is, then you are being too tolerant with small slights and then they are moving to bigger slights. You have to stop it when it's still small and you can say something about it or just refuse to go along with it.

[colouroflove]

You aren't the only one! I've had this happen multiple times. With the way Facebook and smartphones have taken over, everything is superficial and it seems this behavior is becoming the new norm. You are not alone. Stop contact with anyone who has done this. Period. Move forward with the fewer, and better quality friendships you have.

 

"Quality over quantity!"

[TheBathWater]

You aren't the only one! I've had this happen multiple times. With the way Facebook and smartphones have taken over, everything is superficial and it seems this behavior is becoming the new norm. You are not alone. Stop contact with anyone who has done this. Period. Move forward with the fewer, and better quality friendships you have.

 

"Quality over quantity!"

 

But what if there are NO quality friendships left? That's the thing. Years ago, cutting ties would have been small potatoes because there were more people who had character and dignity. Today, it's everyone who does this crap...even family! I feel like I'm being forced to either accept it for what it is and have no dignity, or have dignity and be alone. You can't win.

[Offspring]

Brine,

 

I hear what you're saying.

 

How about next time one of the flakers makes plans with you, say "last time you cancelled last minute / stood me up etc, and are you going to do it this time?". It's rude. I've had it happen to me more times than i can count, and it's usually by the same offenders. I am getting more and more repulsed by the quality of human beings around me at the moment.

 

You aren't the only one! I've had this happen multiple times. With the way Facebook and smartphones have taken over, everything is superficial and it seems this behavior is becoming the new norm. You are not alone. Stop contact with anyone who has done this. Period. Move forward with the fewer, and better quality friendships you have.

 

"Quality over quantity!"

 

And don't let them come back and whinge on your shoulder when everything goes wrong in their superficial lives!

[colouroflove]

It's time to start making new friends.

 

Also, if family does this, you need to bring it up and let them know how much it hurt.

[Offspring]

I feel like I'm being forced to either accept it for what it is and have no dignity, or have dignity and be alone. You can't win.

 

I'm hearing you!

 

There are no excuses to accept less than you deserve. Set the trends for these friends, communicate on your own terms, and maybe one day certain people will see your point and maybe change the way they interact with others. It takes people a while to catch on sometimes (that can be said for all of us).

 

Surely there'll be healthy others who want to actually interact on a personal level, rather than reducing everything to a series of 0s and 1s (data) on their computer screen or phone.

 

I can't understand why so many people dan't see how our intimacy and personal connections have been hijacked by the technology-age. It's beyond me - and they wonder why there is so much depression and mental health issues on the planet.

[tayriley]

i've been feeling the same way for a while. my own childhood friend of 25 years did this to me.

 

a few months ago, we went out to dinner, had a laugh and some serious conversation. she got a divorce (i didnt even know!) and was about to head to hawaii to meet up with this new guy she had a fling on vacation with. we talked about girly stuff like what she should wear and what it'll be like to be living out of a hotel room with this guy for a week in hawaii. she said we should get together when she gets back to catch up more.

 

i texted her the day she was leaving to say 'have a good trip.' she said 'thanks, just got on the plane!'

 

when i knew she would be back in town, i texted her to ask how it went? nothing. a day later, i texted, 'are you back?' nothing. i was genuinely worried. i mean, he was a semi-stranger, what if he kidnapped her or something? then i go on facebook and she'd posted something about work there.

 

it's been months and literally she never returned my texts or phone calls. what kind of bullsh-t is that?? seriously!

 

and she's not the only one. i ran into one of my best friends from middle school at a bar last year. i moved away for high school and didn't come back to the same town til after college. it had been years since i've seen her, so i was SO EXCITED. we exchanged numbers. i texted her to get lunch sometime. no answer. ever.

 

like, what the hell is wrong with people? are they all anti-social or self-involved or what??? it's really infuriating.

Edited May 28, 2016 by tayriley

[coolheadal]

Politely decline their advance offer! No big deal just have to get over it. Things happen in other people lives and they forget about you. I wouldn't sweat over it. You got do something you want to do enough or just take a nap and call it a day! It's not all about them it's about you and what you want to do about it! Let them be negative and you just stay positive and happy go lucky!

[TheBathWater]

Brine,

 

I hear what you're saying.

 

How about next time one of the flakers makes plans with you, say "last time you cancelled last minute / stood me up etc, and are you going to do it this time?".

 

Funny, this is exactly what I started doing since I last posted in this thread. The person (a family member) who I said this to - a person who flaked on me last minute TWICE in a row - actually got pissed that I even asked if there was a chance they would cancel again and then she was being passive-aggressive around me when we did meet up. Funny how the person who did the flaking gets angry while the person being flaked on remains calm. People don't like being called out.

[Lois_Griffin]

In my experience, this rarely or never used to happen before smartphones, by the way.

I say this often here and it bears repeating.

 

People today no longer know how to interact with other people. They've become socially stunted. Their faces are constantly in their damned phones and it's very common to go to any restaurant and see four people sitting together at a table - and four people ignorantly ignoring each other and playing with their phones. It's like they need to be entertained constantly and don't have the intelligence or social skills to interact with the people they're sitting there with.

 

I'd love to take today's mindless fools and throw them back into the 80's where there were no phones and computers and tablets and all that stuff. They've become so socially stunted they'd have NO clue how to act.

 

There's a reason for the declining amount of regard and respect you're getting from people. Their only loyalty seems to be to their damned phones.

[Emilia]

How old are you OP?

[TheBathWater]

How old are you OP?

 

Early thirties

[Emilia]

Early thirties

I think it's your generation. My mates in their late 20s, early 30s complain about the same thing.

[edgygirl]

I'm a natural flaker. I am ENFP in Meyers Briggs and we are known to do that if people insist in booking far ahead (meaning a few days ahead) as we prefer to keep things last minute. We don't like too much planning ahead. I guess we don't know in what mood we will be waking up on that day, so prefer not to plan.

 

People who have been my friends and stayed my friends know that and keep things more spontaneous and open and get I'm this way and accept me.

[edgygirl]

OP, if you have some time read about the differences between P and J types in Myers Briggs (it comes from Jung). It's fascinating really and explains how some people prefer to keep things more structured and others more open. It may help you understand other people's perspective, MB helped me greatly to understand how people who behave differently than me see life and where are they coming from:

 

The Myers & Briggs Foundation - Judging or Perceiving

[TheBathWater]

I'm laughing. I actually teach the MBTI.

 

I think this is more than a personality issue... It's a cultural crisis.

[edgygirl]

LOL. Then you know the P and J differences. I find it very valid - as I always have conflicts with J people on this... until they accept me the way I am.

 

Being digitally connected and being able to flake more easily really didn't help the cause, globally

 

How come you teach MBTI? I love it so much, it changed my life and how I understand people.

 

I'm laughing. I actually teach the MBTI.

 

I think this is more than a personality issue... It's a cultural crisis.

[MargoJones]

I feel a karmic need to reply to your post, as someone who stood up a friend a few days ago. Let me just say, as the stander upper, that I am terribly ashamed that I spaced out and forgot my plans. There's no excuse for it, and the first thing I did when I realized was apologize profusely and invite him out again (I'm buying lunch!) to try to make amends. The reason (again, no excuse is really OK, but there are reasons) I spaced it was I was breaking up with my boyfriend. Again, no excuse, but I was 100% consumed with my problems that day and I wasn't myself. I felt HORRIBLE about blowing off my nice friend, and I think he is tired of hearing me apologize at this point! Maybe your friends had some serious life dramas going on and it was out of character for them to stand you up. This is certainly the case with me. If you have friends who do this on a regular basis, though, that's another story.

 

There was one year where I got stood up three times, and it exasperated me, and I totally was asking myself the same questions you are. I no longer talk to two of the three friends who stood me up because it wasn't an isolated thing, it was a pattern of not valuing my time and I have no tolerance for that. The other friend is true blue, it was just an honest mistake. My advise, determine who is not treating you and your time respectfully and phase them out of your life. For the others, accept it as an honest mistake if they apologize adequately and move on.

 

There are a lot of flakes out there and there are a lot of terrific people, just phase out the flakes and keep the friends who treat you with respect and consideration. At this point I think about my friends and I feel uplifted. If you're thinking about your friendship group and feel drained or unhappy, then you have to work on cleaning your friendship house. For better or worse, friends have a lot to do with how you feel about yourself and the world in general, and you have to weed the garden fairly regularly.

 

I hope this helps, and I hope you get treated with extra special consideration by your good friends. This piece of advice is hard to follow but try your best to do it anyway: Even though a lot of people treat you without consideration, there are probably a lot of people who give you a lot of love and demonstrate it in how they treat you. You'll be a lot happier if you turn your attention to the friends who meet your needs and disregard the friends who don't. I wish you the best of luck in your friendships :-)

[TheBathWater]

I feel a karmic need to reply to your post, as someone who stood up a friend a few days ago. Let me just say, as the stander upper, that I am terribly ashamed that I spaced out and forgot my plans. There's no excuse for it, and the first thing I did when I realized was apologize profusely and invite him out again (I'm buying lunch!) to try to make amends. The reason (again, no excuse is really OK, but there are reasons) I spaced it was I was breaking up with my boyfriend. Again, no excuse, but I was 100% consumed with my problems that day and I wasn't myself. I felt HORRIBLE about blowing off my nice friend, and I think he is tired of hearing me apologize at this point! Maybe your friends had some serious life dramas going on and it was out of character for them to stand you up. This is certainly the case with me. If you have friends who do this on a regular basis, though, that's another story.

 

There was one year where I got stood up three times, and it exasperated me, and I totally was asking myself the same questions you are. I no longer talk to two of the three friends who stood me up because it wasn't an isolated thing, it was a pattern of not valuing my time and I have no tolerance for that. The other friend is true blue, it was just an honest mistake. My advise, determine who is not treating you and your time respectfully and phase them out of your life. For the others, accept it as an honest mistake if they apologize adequately and move on.

 

There are a lot of flakes out there and there are a lot of terrific people, just phase out the flakes and keep the friends who treat you with respect and consideration. At this point I think about my friends and I feel uplifted. If you're thinking about your friendship group and feel drained or unhappy, then you have to work on cleaning your friendship house. For better or worse, friends have a lot to do with how you feel about yourself and the world in general, and you have to weed the garden fairly regularly.

 

I hope this helps, and I hope you get treated with extra special consideration by your good friends. This piece of advice is hard to follow but try your best to do it anyway: Even though a lot of people treat you without consideration, there are probably a lot of people who give you a lot of love and demonstrate it in how they treat you. You'll be a lot happier if you turn your attention to the friends who meet your needs and disregard the friends who don't. I wish you the best of luck in your friendships :-)

 

Your case is clearly different. If you were my friend or family member, this would be fine. The people in my life are unfortunately and frequently inconsiderate, and they are unaffected by how their behavior impacts those around them.

[Offspring]

Your case is clearly different. If you were my friend or family member, this would be fine. The people in my life are unfortunately and frequently inconsiderate, and they are unaffected by how their behavior impacts those around them.

 

The person above you has given you good advice. Wouldn't you like to be in a situation where you actually have people around you who respect you?

 

I would put them all on the backburner and move forward by finding more / new friends. It might take a bit of time, but when you decide what you're looking for in a friend, it does become easier.