Is it possible to want attention from someone without being interested or attracted?

[brianls]

Hey everyone,

 

This is a very long post but it is highly detailed and I need help and most importantly please keep an open mind.

 

Ok so here is the scoop on what i've been going through for the past 7 months. I'm 29 years old and this woman I work with is also 29. We sit next to each other in the office. From the beginning we hit things off really well. we started talking, clicking, very similar personalities, both of us are weird in our own ways, a ton of flirting and even physical flirting. I'm a Leo and she's a Scorpio (for those zodiac lovers on here). We talk more than we work and we go out to lunch literally every single day. People in the office already view us as very close and whenever this girl is out of the office, i have had people come up to me and ask "so where is your girlfriend?" or "where is your best friend?".

 

Over the 7 months we grew very close. spoke about everything from family, life, past relationships, sex, etc. The flirting started out as innocent jokes to one another, giving each other the eyes, her noticing me looking at her body when she walks by me and her reaction is priceless....she loves it. she loves the attention. Every time we talked we would just smile and laugh for no reason. Eventually she started getting physical with the flirting. whenever she walked by my desk she would grip and pinch a good amount of my hair on the back of my neck and tug on it. I would enjoy that and she notices i liked that and would even say "ooo you like that don't you ;)" so she would continue doing this occasionally. other physical flirting would be her sliding her finger tips across my back as she walked by. i would in return do the same. i would slide my fingers across her neck and she would twitch and give me that look cause that's a sensitive spot of hers i suppose? She would tell me things like "I've always had an eye for Asian men." (im asian) and slightly blushed. Sometimes I would ignore her purposely and she HATED that. whenever i listening to music and put my earbuds in she would be like "awww why are you listening to music you dont want to talk???" and she would literally walk by my desk and snatch a ear bud out of my ear cause she just hated the silence lol. One time we got into a fight cause she said something that really annoyed me. So we literally didn't speak for a whole week and she hated that so much.

 

Moving forward, she would invite me outside of work to go to the restaurant she works at a couple days a week to get drinks and hangout there. or she would ask me out to run random errands with her. to just tag along with her. So I figured if this girl wants to spend more time with me even outside of work then she must be interested right? One night we went out to the mall after work and she tried on multiple dresses for a vacation she was going on. she would try on an outfit and have me judge them. she would do the spin around etc. her boobs were practically falling out of some of the outfits she put on, i was extremely turned on. we went out for drinks after, i told her i was going to limit myself to 1 beer and she said "why is it because you're going to start hitting on me and be sexual?" and i just gave her that look. sure enough I ended up getting more than one drink. we left the bar and I would touch her any chance i could. before we split, i kissed her on one cheek, then i asked for her other cheek to kiss. she smiled like crazy and shut her mouth with her hand so i couldn't sneak in a real kiss (the reasoning is coming up soon). so she turned her face and i brushed the hair away from her cheek and gave her a sensual soft kiss and then i left it at that. I got a boner from that and she noticed and we both laughed hysterically. I got out of the car after one final kiss on the cheek and called it a night. The night sounds like it was left on a very high note right? figured next time we meet we would jump on each other ASAP. HERE IS THE CATCH.....SHE IS MARRIED.

 

From that night we went out, I didn't text her or talk to her until we saw each other at work. The vibe I got from her was totally different. Felt like she had her guard up with me, which is RARE because we never had bad blood between us ever...especially after we had such a good night out drinking. I left it at that and didn't want to pry on her at work. So over the weekend I texted her because I couldn't stop thinking about that night and what me and her had going on in general over the whole 7 months i've been working at our company.

 

This is what she said when i confronted her about what has been going on between us....

 

She said she has no feelings towards me in that way, i got the wrong vibe from her, she is like that with EVERY guy friend and girl friend she has. she is a natural flirt and is very hands on. She said she never said I was hot. never been physical with me, never spoke about sex with me. These are all things she clearly did but is denying. she is also very STUBBORN. Her husband himself told me that at our company holiday party that she is stubborn as hell. everything i thought were signs were apparently in my own mind. she said i was playing mind games with myself and she is loyal to her husband and would never cheat on him and said i need to realize we are just friends and nothing more. she has no feelings like the way i do for her AT ALL. its all ME ME ME. She once told me "welp i guess ill have to look for a new BACK UP." in reference to her husband. but once i questioned her on that. she said she was JOKING...I told her how am i going to take that any other way??

 

I called her out on everything. I told her that even tho she may have not physically cheated on her husband, her actions shows she is not LOYAL. she blew up and came at me with everything she knew would hurt me the most. by saying she never said i was hot. never once physically flirted with me, etc etc.

 

 

She has spoken about her husband with me on numerous occasions but every time she did it was NEGATIVE. she would talk about how they fight, how he's like a child and plays video games all day (he's 35) after work and how that annoys her. How he doesn't want to do anything on weekends but sit around the apartment and she even said "If he doesn't change his ways, things wont be good in the future. I will divorce him like it was a regular break up." The list goes on.

 

Moving forward, she left our company....not related to me and her at all....she ended up starting her own company and her leaving has been something that we both knew was going to happen months ago. so on her last day one other coworker and myself decided to get her a farewell card. I didn't want any bad blood between us so i signed it with something short and sweet. she came up to my desk and had watery eyes and thanked me for the card cause what i said must have hit home for her. we both were just trying to hold back our watery eyes (once again sorry for the cheesiness but its true). i just gave her a strong hug and said i would miss her and that was that. at the end of the day before she left, i got to see her one last time to say one final goodbye and sure enough she dove right into the fight we had and started saying how it was all me, it was all in my head, how she would never cheat, how she had no feelings for me at all etc etc. I told her i didn't even want to talk about that and just wanted to say goodbye and good luck and hope we could keep in touch.

 

she clearly knew she stepped the line that night we went out for drinks because things definitely got heated up. her whole personality totally switched from that one night and she's literally shut every door on our "friendship" with no sign of entrance. she's putting all the blame on me, said sorry if I got the wrong vibes and she didn't mean it like that. she just made it out to make me feel like a big FOOL for 7 months. thinking me and her had a connection but apparently not.

 

so my question is....

Is it possible that she had feelings or attraction for me but is 100% denying everything for any other reason?

 

I would respect her if she said she had feelings but due to her circumstances (married) she can't act upon them. Actions speak louder than words and I know i'm not crazy over this girl due to my own thoughts.....its a 2 way road. Even people at the office noticed how close we were. She backed her argument up saying she was close with everyone she works with etc etc.....but really??? I find it very hard to believe her reaction to everything. It's like i dont even know her anymore. she is totally different. and making me out to be the bad guy all along. She used everything she could say to make her seem like shes an all loving wife and loyal and how i'm the bad guy. she definitely seemed manipulative in trying to make me believe i am 100% to blame.

 

Thank you Loveshack, hope to hear from people asap.

[carhill]

Ha, ha you must've misunderstood

 

I wish I could somehow trademark that line I've heard so many, many times from MW's over the decades.

 

She's a hoover. Married hoovers are the best.

 

This is, presuming you see any future at your job, why one doesn't mix business and pleasure.

 

Is it possible to want attention from someone without being interested or attracted?

This isn't how hoovers work. They like that you like them. They're interested; attracted....to the like. You, as an individual, are irrelevant. The energy and care and love and attention they receive from you is relevant. Important. You, and I, are interchangeable, inconsequential, meaningless.

 

Ain't life grand?

[brianls]

Calling her out for not being loyal really hit her hard and she knows it's true and is back pedaling...seeking for anything to make her feel good and make her feel like she didn't do any wrong.

[S2B]

Yes, attention seeking people do it all the time. IME they are the ones who also cheat.

[carhill]

OP, the really easy way to trim things down is to focus on one thing - her being married. With that in the can, everything else is superfluous.

 

She's probably not a horrible person, rather will simply take as much as is given her. I would hazard a strong suspicion that she will not change. This is her style in life. It works for her. I've seen plenty of it.

 

Again, boil it down. Married. No go. Done. Over. Next.

 

Now, with decades of this under my belt, sure I play with MW's because I know their game and have no illusions. Everyone goes home. I sometimes even crack a smile. Life is what it is. I wouldn't recommend that to a guy who's looking for a life partner. Waste of time.

[brianls]

OP, the really easy way to trim things down is to focus on one thing - her being married. With that in the can, everything else is superfluous.

 

She's probably not a horrible person, rather will simply take as much as is given her. I would hazard a strong suspicion that she will not change. This is her style in life. It works for her. I've seen plenty of it.

 

Again, boil it down. Married. No go. Done. Over. Next.

 

Now, with decades of this under my belt, sure I play with MW's because I know their game and have no illusions. Everyone goes home. I sometimes even crack a smile. Life is what it is. I wouldn't recommend that to a guy who's looking for a life partner. Waste of time.

 

what are MW's? and everyone goes home?

[S2B]

She knows she's guilty of exactly what you called it. She just doesn't like the truth about who she is ( a tease and a woman that looks like she cheats).

 

She was completely inappropriate given she's married. How would you like being her husband knowing she's doing that with the guys at work? That would suck! Yet she admitted she does this always. And her backup plan? I take it she's on the hunt for another man to tease...a chump she can play with and cause hurt feelings.

 

Ask yourself - how did I participate? How can I never do that again?

 

And MW = married woman.

 

You knew she was married. You knew it was playing with fire. Be glad it ended before it went further.

 

Try dating single and available women. Do NOT keep in contact with this MW - she uses you for her ego boost.

 

Block her contacts. That's for YOUR benefit...I promise.

[brianls]

At the end of the day I hate myself for not pulling the trigger cause i'm pretty sure she would have given it up to me. Also I feel worse not knowing if she had any true feelings or attraction that she is totally covering up cause I pretty much put her in a corner and this might just be her way of dealing with it. shutting me out cold and not letting me have any hope of access again. hence saying she never had feelings or interest of ANYTHING. does that make sense? i think her whole rant is bull**** and shes just running cause things got real.

[S2B]

At the end of the day I hate myself for not pulling the trigger cause i'm pretty sure she would have given it up to me. Also I feel worse not knowing if she had any true feelings or attraction that she is totally covering up cause I pretty much put her in a corner and this might just be her way of dealing with it. shutting me out cold and not letting me have any hope of access again. hence saying she never had feelings or interest of ANYTHING. does that make sense? i think her whole rant is bull**** and shes just running cause things got real.

 

Dude, you're giving her too much of YOUR power! She a liar and a cheater. Get busy living! She's not worth the time you're spending thinking about her/

[Space Ritual]

HERE IS THE CATCH.....SHE IS MARRIED

 

That was about as far as I read. It was as far as I had to. You have he same story as hundreds here before you and hundreds here that will come after and the answer is going to always be the same.

 

Here is the answer.

 

It won't end well.

Mess with someone who is not married or in a relationship and things will go much better.

It's not Rocket Science, Von Braun. You are going to get burned

[elaine567]

Yes, it is case of the charming married flirt who cut you off when she realised you wanted a sexual relationship with her and she didn't want that at all.

 

To her you were the friend who made work fun, the close friend who she took shopping for God's sake, classic best friend stuff.

Whilst you were getting hot and bothered, she was just enjoying the attention and she was merely out with her best friend. She friend-zoned you way back when, so she felt comfortable around you.

You were "safe", so she felt she could push boundaries with you.

 

She realised she went way too far when you wanted to kiss her, so she covered her mouth and gave you the cheek instead.

She then shut you down completely as a sexual relationship with you was NOT what she wanted at all.

Attached and married people can be massive flirts as they always have the marriage or core relationship to retreat back into if things get too hot for them to handle, or anyone gets the "wrong" impression.

Having you around was good, it was an ego boost, it was attention, it was friendship, but you were never a serious contender in the "sexual stakes" for her.

Sorry you got hurt here.

[StaggerLee]

Hey OP, deep down you know this woman isn't right for you.

 

I think she enjoyed the attention from someone she found attractive, and she had some clear boundaries in her own mind that she wasn't going to cross. For that reason she had all the control - got what she needed from you without having to give up anything in return. I think you should try and focus on the fact that her boundaries in respect to other men are certainly not ones that you would be comfortable with if you were with her.

 

I know that you want answers and are trying to work this out in your own mind, that's understandable because ultimately you have strong feelings for her. Unfortunately sometimes we can't get the answers we need and just have to try to find peace with that.

 

It's tough (like many I know from experience), but it's time to walk away and move on. She found you attractive so other women will too, and next time you won't get involved with a married one. Best of luck.

[brianls]

I had also asked her months ago if under different circumstances would we have a shot. She said she couldn't answer that because she is married. Isn't that an answer in itself? She also still views my posts on snapchat. if she truly had no interest or attraction why bother viewing right? maybe she has a hidden agenda.

 

also. she may have fueled me on that night we went out for drinks. especially after trying on all that clothes for me, then getting drinks, I gave her sensual kisses on both cheeks but never pushed it further. if i had what would have happened? she may have been planning on or expecting me to throw myself on her but i didnt......and i regret this so much. but maybe me not doing what she may have thought i was going to do made me look better??

Edited May 1, 2016 by brianls