Question for those who had or are having [an affair] in the workplace

[Grey Cloud]

Lasts much Longer! Not only is the presence and proximity always there to bring you closer but the other aspect is that it becomes more like a relationship and not just an affair.

Affair is normally categorized as you see that person only sometimes and usually in a bubble of reality.

 

If you have affair at work then you end up more emotionally tied. You have lunch, coffee, conversation, might travel together and in general become more close like a real couple. You have good times, bad times, and just normal times.

 

It becomes very hard to stop!

 

I totally agree with this ^^^. My xMM and I tried to stop things and slow things down several times but continually seeing each other several days a week at work kept the relationship alive. And you become more emotionally entwined day by day.

 

Our affair ended the day he found another job. If that hadn't of happened I think we would still be in some type of affair. Proximity and conversation fuelled ours.

 

I can only say please stop before you get too emotionally invested. Because once that happens you will become a complete mess. And it will mean you or him will eventually need to find a new job. And even that doesn't necessarily solve the problem! You still think about them constantly. It's not a situation that has good outcomes for anyone involved

[lftbehind]

I totally agree with this ^^^. My xMM and I tried to stop things and slow things down several times but continually seeing each other several days a week at work kept the relationship alive. And you become more emotionally entwined day by day.

 

Our affair ended the day he found another job. If that hadn't of happened I think we would still be in some type of affair. Proximity and conversation fuelled ours.

 

I can only say please stop before you get too emotionally invested. Because once that happens you will become a complete mess. And it will mean you or him will eventually need to find a new job. And even that doesn't necessarily solve the problem! You still think about them constantly. It's not a situation that has good outcomes for anyone involved

 

I want to end it. He acts like he wants me to chase him and I don't want to do that. He has been pursuing some. He wants me to text him every morning when I get up and I haven't texted him this morning. The last time I talked to him was yesterday morning and he didn't text me the rest of the day. I have been emotionally invested, but I'm getting tired of it and trying to figure him out.

 

That's good that your exMM got another job and you could end your affair. I'm sure that it's been hard to get over and I hope that you're doing better now.

[RedPurpleOrange]

Don't give him your power. You're already getting irked by stuff, that's a good sign. When you're aware of game-playing, it looks sad and pathetic from above. Don't text him, then he'll start texting you. Text him...he'll do the distant thing. Game. Best just go distant and tell him what a bad idea it all is. How would hub react, do you think?

 

 

Once he knows you're not interested, he'll stop trying. But it depends on how not interested you actually are...

[lftbehind]

Don't give him your power. You're already getting irked by stuff, that's a good sign. When you're aware of game-playing, it looks sad and pathetic from above. Don't text him, then he'll start texting you. Text him...he'll do the distant thing. Game. Best just go distant and tell him what a bad idea it all is. How would hub react, do you think?

 

 

Once he knows you're not interested, he'll stop trying. But it depends on how not interested you actually are...

 

I have been blaming myself for the way that he's been treating me, like something is wrong with me. I don't even know if he likes me and if I stop pursuing him he will probably be glad. My self-esteem wasn't that good before all of this and it's lower now. I have to be careful how I handle things, since he's my boss and can help or hurt me at work.

[RedPurpleOrange]

I have been blaming myself for the way that he's been treating me, like something is wrong with me. I don't even know if he likes me and if I stop pursuing him he will probably be glad. My self-esteem wasn't that good before all of this and it's lower now. I have to be careful how I handle things, since he's my boss and can help or hurt me at work.

 

 

What kind of guy is he? Extrovert, 'nice guy'-type, strong n' silent?

 

 

Don't blame yourself. It suits him for you to feel vulnerable so he can control you and twist you around his little finger. You're not weak. To him, you're 'the prize'. He's really obvious. He'll make you feel like you have no control and get you in that sack if you let him. And he'll try all ways of making you let him.

 

 

But you hold all the cards. Even if he's your boss. Is he the BIG boss? Like Don Corleone. Or is he just a manager...an empowered lackey?

[RedPurpleOrange]

Sorry, I might have misinterpreted your last post. I *think* you were talking about this affair guy but I asked two questions and I wasn't sure if you meant him or the hub, lol.

 

 

And of course he likes you (if you meant the affair guy). Remember my Santa joke???!

[elaine567]

I have been blaming myself for the way that he's been treating me, like something is wrong with me. I don't even know if he likes me and if I stop pursuing him he will probably be glad. My self-esteem wasn't that good before all of this and it's lower now. I have to be careful how I handle things, since he's my boss and can help or hurt me at work.

 

Read this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/575630-shocker-2.html#post6851090E

[lftbehind]

What kind of guy is he? Extrovert, 'nice guy'-type, strong n' silent?

 

 

Don't blame yourself. It suits him for you to feel vulnerable so he can control you and twist you around his little finger. You're not weak. To him, you're 'the prize'. He's really obvious. He'll make you feel like you have no control and get you in that sack if you let him. And he'll try all ways of making you let him.

 

 

But you hold all the cards. Even if he's your boss. Is he the BIG boss? Like Don Corleone. Or is he just a manager...an empowered lackey?

 

He seems like a loner and doesn't talk to a lot of people at work. He's a lower level supervisor, just over our department and he makes decisions about who does what job. I just don't want it too be too uncomfortable. Thanks for saying that I'm not weak, I feel like am. This whole thing has made me like nothing. Why do you think he sees me as a prize?

[lftbehind]

Sorry, I might have misinterpreted your last post. I *think* you were talking about this affair guy but I asked two questions and I wasn't sure if you meant him or the hub, lol.

 

 

And of course he likes you (if you meant the affair guy). Remember my Santa joke???!

 

You interpreted it right. I know that he wants to play Santa, but he'll have to find someone else to deliver to.

[lftbehind]

Read this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/575630-shocker-2.html#post6851090E

 

I've read that a few times. I don't know how someone can treat other people like that and use them. Hopefully, karma will catch up with him someday.

[RedPurpleOrange]

He seems like a loner and doesn't talk to a lot of people at work. He's a lower level supervisor, just over our department and he makes decisions about who does what job. I just don't want it too be too uncomfortable. Thanks for saying that I'm not weak, I feel like am. This whole thing has made me like nothing. Why do you think he sees me as a prize?

 

 

So he's not THAT powerful. A low-level supervisor? Pah.

 

 

I think somehow your self esteem has been damaged. May be by hub? Who knows. You lack confidence and feel weak. It's all in the mind. You're not. Weak people are easy prey to the arseholes of this planet. Don't feel like nothing. You're not. You're full of power, you just have to believe. Your NO is the biggest weapon you have. Say it like you mean it.

 

 

And the prize? He gets you...he thinks he has sex on tap. A vulnerable woman he can use for his own ego's sake. Draw you in, deliver them Xmas prezzies, push you away and keep you in thrall. You'll be a Dirty Little Secret. And your being married suits his modus operandi. He'll never want you to leave. But he'll make you want to leave for him. Therein lies the rub, as Shakespeare might say.

[lftbehind]

So he's not THAT powerful. A low-level supervisor? Pah.

 

 

I think somehow your self esteem has been damaged. May be by hub? Who knows. You lack confidence and feel weak. It's all in the mind. You're not. Weak people are easy prey to the arseholes of this planet. Don't feel like nothing. You're not. You're full of power, you just have to believe. Your NO is the biggest weapon you have. Say it like you mean it.

 

 

And the prize? He gets you...he thinks he has sex on tap. A vulnerable woman he can use for his own ego's sake. Draw you in, deliver them Xmas prezzies, push you away and keep you in thrall. You'll be a Dirty Little Secret. And your being married suits his modus operandi. He'll never want you to leave. But he'll make you want to leave for him. Therein lies the rub, as Shakespeare might say.

 

My self esteem has been damaged and hub has made me feel bad about myself. I feel weak in the work situation and I'm quiet and shy, which doesn't help. I just go to work and do my job and try and avoid drama. All that I want is a pleasant day. I know from experience that weak people are see as prey by some people. I think that my NO is my biggest weapon.

 

Thanks for explaining how he sees me as a prize. That makes sense. I guess he wants me basically for his ego and for sex. It's not really because I'm special. I really do need to stay away from him. How are you doing? Have you had any contact with your exMW?

[RedPurpleOrange]

My self esteem has been damaged and hub has made me feel bad about myself. I feel weak in the work situation and I'm quiet and shy, which doesn't help. I just go to work and do my job and try and avoid drama. All that I want is a pleasant day. I know from experience that weak people are see as prey by some people. I think that my NO is my biggest weapon.

 

Thanks for explaining how he sees me as a prize. That makes sense. I guess he wants me basically for his ego and for sex. It's not really because I'm special. I really do need to stay away from him. How are you doing? Have you had any contact with your exMW?

 

 

It's sad. He said all sorts of stuff to her, too. Said she was stupid, put her down over her body, all types of bad stuff. I hate guys sometimes and it narks me that women take all that stuff and believe it so deep. But you need to respect yourself and understand your own boundaries as a shy person amongst predators. Even a shy, loner guy can be a predator. I don't think that's a great combo, btw, tbh.

 

 

I'm a sort of reformed shy person. I'm very kind, very humorous, I get on with my work, I get on with people, I don't try, I'm liked not because I wanna be. I used to hate being me but now I really like who I am. And I understand shy people really, really well.

 

The exMW? I last saw her Friday. I'm probably gonna see her tomoz. No contact at all since our last shift on Friday. Ten more shifts and she's onto weekends and I'm weekdays. Just been keeping myself busy and foruming it when I have that 'self-doubty time to myself' thang goin' on. Like today, lol.

 

 

Don't forget - YOU are the prize to YOU.

[lftbehind]

It's sad. He said all sorts of stuff to her, too. Said she was stupid, put her down over her body, all types of bad stuff. I hate guys sometimes and it narks me that women take all that stuff and believe it so deep. But you need to respect yourself and understand your own boundaries as a shy person amongst predators. Even a shy, loner guy can be a predator. I don't think that's a great combo, btw, tbh.

 

 

I'm a sort of reformed shy person. I'm very kind, very humorous, I get on with my work, I get on with people, I don't try, I'm liked not because I wanna be. I used to hate being me but now I really like who I am. And I understand shy people really, really well.

 

The exMW? I last saw her Friday. I'm probably gonna see her tomoz. No contact at all since our last shift on Friday. Ten more shifts and she's onto weekends and I'm weekdays. Just been keeping myself busy and foruming it when I have that 'self-doubty time to myself' thang goin' on. Like today, lol.

 

 

Don't forget - YOU are the prize to YOU.

 

It's too bad that he put her down and made her feel bad about herself. I told my H that verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse and you can't forget bad things that were said to you. He told me that he would say things deliberately to hurt me. He is acting better now, but I don't want to be with him and I'm really unhappy.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with being shy and that's good that you like who you are. You seem like a great guy. I feel like I should have outgrown my shyness and people have told me that I'm too quiet a lot, like it's a terrible thing. I just want to be myself.

 

Hope things go okay when you see her tomorrow. That's good that you'll be on different shifts soon and hopefully it will help you. Hang in there and you don't need to have self-doubt.

 

I'm not getting out of line, but I feel more like the booby prize than the prize.

[dustin2016]

I don't make enough money to be on my own working full time.

 

If you carry through with the affair, that possibility will become almost inevitable. You should consider first how you are going to live and survive on your own. Will you need to rent a room or be able to afford your own studio apartment?

 

You honestly cannot expect your husband to financially support you while you are entertaining the affair, and after. Regardless of whats happened between you, try putting the shoe on the other foot. Would you want to live in a home that you paid most or all of the expenses at, knowing your husband was having an affair?

 

Also, try to understand that as a married woman you appeal to certain types of men because they *can* send you home.

 

And in my opinion, those who have affairs with persons who are married fall in one of two categories. Those out for fun knowing they can always cite the marriage and exit the affair at will, or those who truly want to be with the other person.

 

If that man truly wanted to be with you, hed have already made sure that your fears were addressed and taken care of, there would be a solid plan in place to move you out or move in together, and separation and divorce would be part of the discussion you two are having, not just sneaking away for a day of sex at a hotel.

 

Some men use women for sex. As do some women.

 

Above all else your main concern should be, my marriage is failing and what do I need to do to financially support myself when it does. Pick up a second job? Reduce your cost of living? An affair wont fix your marriage and it wont end your marriage. Separation and divorce will. And if your husband is truly awful, dont be so quick to give up the high ground.

[RedPurpleOrange]

It's too bad that he put her down and made her feel bad about herself. I told my H that verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse and you can't forget bad things that were said to you. He told me that he would say things deliberately to hurt me. He is acting better now, but I don't want to be with him and I'm really unhappy.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with being shy and that's good that you like who you are. You seem like a great guy. I feel like I should have outgrown my shyness and people have told me that I'm too quiet a lot, like it's a terrible thing. I just want to be myself.

 

Hope things go okay when you see her tomorrow. That's good that you'll be on different shifts soon and hopefully it will help you. Hang in there and you don't need to have self-doubt.

 

I'm not getting out of line, but I feel more like the booby prize than the prize.

 

 

I think you really need to work out what you need to do next with your H, rather than jumping into an affair. Because if you're not happy, he's not happy...it's a risky one. Sometimes people can imprison each other and life in captivity is mere existence. It's a toughie but you don't wanna be adding a big problem to an already huge one.

 

 

Sometimes things get said that can't be unsaid. Sometimes too many things get said. Sometimes all you have are the things that can't be unsaid.

 

 

You're not the booby, lol. That's part of his prize...he gets two!

[lftbehind]

I think you really need to work out what you need to do next with your H, rather than jumping into an affair. Because if you're not happy, he's not happy...it's a risky one. Sometimes people can imprison each other and life in captivity is mere existence. It's a toughie but you don't wanna be adding a big problem to an already huge one.

 

 

Sometimes things get said that can't be unsaid. Sometimes too many things get said. Sometimes all you have are the things that can't be unsaid.

 

 

You're not the booby, lol. That's part of his prize...he gets two!

 

I cant' afford to move out right now, but I just try to not spend much time at home. That's all I can do. I hope to solve it soon and I do feel imprisoned. I don't want to have the A.

 

That's a saying in the U.S. Don't know if they have it in England. Yes, I guess it's a good deal.

[lftbehind]

If you carry through with the affair, that possibility will become almost inevitable. You should consider first how you are going to live and survive on your own. Will you need to rent a room or be able to afford your own studio apartment?

 

You honestly cannot expect your husband to financially support you while you are entertaining the affair, and after. Regardless of whats happened between you, try putting the shoe on the other foot. Would you want to live in a home that you paid most or all of the expenses at, knowing your husband was having an affair?

 

Also, try to understand that as a married woman you appeal to certain types of men because they *can* send you home.

 

And in my opinion, those who have affairs with persons who are married fall in one of two categories. Those out for fun knowing they can always cite the marriage and exit the affair at will, or those who truly want to be with the other person.

 

If that man truly wanted to be with you, hed have already made sure that your fears were addressed and taken care of, there would be a solid plan in place to move you out or move in together, and separation and divorce would be part of the discussion you two are having, not just sneaking away for a day of sex at a hotel.

 

Some men use women for sex. As do some women.

 

Above all else your main concern should be, my marriage is failing and what do I need to do to financially support myself when it does. Pick up a second job? Reduce your cost of living? An affair wont fix your marriage and it wont end your marriage. Separation and divorce will. And if your husband is truly awful, dont be so quick to give up the high ground.

 

I plan on ending the A.

[RedPurpleOrange]

That's a saying in the U.S. Don't know if they have it in England. Yes, I guess it's a good deal.

 

 

You mean the booby thing? Yeah, we have it too...the booby prize, hehe. Stalwart of 80s kids game shows. We also have a very strange celeb over here called John McCririck who refers to his wife as 'booby' (apparently, a 'booby' is a not-very-intelligent type of bird. Another emotional abuser!)

[lftbehind]

You mean the booby thing? Yeah, we have it too...the booby prize, hehe. Stalwart of 80s kids game shows. We also have a very strange celeb over here called John McCririck who refers to his wife as 'booby' (apparently, a 'booby' is a not-very-intelligent type of bird. Another emotional abuser!)

 

Just looked up John McCririck and he looks scary.They say he's a horse racing pundit. I can believe that he's calls his wife a booby. Hopefully it doesn't hurt her feelings.

[RedPurpleOrange]

Just looked up John McCririck and he looks scary.They say he's a horse racing pundit. I can believe that he's calls his wife a booby. Hopefully it doesn't hurt her feelings.

 

It's a marriage made in heaven:

 

 

 

 

He was mental on Big Brother. MENTAL. Don't deny him his Diet Coke...

[lftbehind]

It's a marriage made in heaven:

 

 

 

 

He was mental on Big Brother. MENTAL. Don't deny him his Diet Coke...

 

I liked the clip and they seem very compatible. He was more subdued than I expected him to be. They have some clips of him on Big Brother on You Tube I'll check out after dinner. Diet Coke is really bad for you, I used to drink it a lot. Hope that work tomorrow goes okay for you.

[RedPurpleOrange]

Cheers lftbehind, I'm dreading it tbh but shall wait and see.

 

 

And McCririck is a true British legend! You WILL be entertained.

[lftbehind]

Cheers lftbehind, I'm dreading it tbh but shall wait and see.

 

 

And McCririck is a true British legend! You WILL be entertained.

 

Cheers to you RPO and I'm dreading tomorrow, too. I work the 2nd shift, so it ties up a lot of my day.

 

I'm sure that I will be entertained !

[Grey Cloud]

I want to end it. He acts like he wants me to chase him and I don't want to do that. He has been pursuing some. He wants me to text him every morning when I get up and I haven't texted him this morning. The last time I talked to him was yesterday morning and he didn't text me the rest of the day. I have been emotionally invested, but I'm getting tired of it and trying to figure him out.

 

That's good that your exMM got another job and you could end your affair. I'm sure that it's been hard to get over and I hope that you're doing better now.

 

I am doing better now but it has taken a long time to feel better and I still have some bad days. It's a work in progress to move forwards.

 

I know it's difficult when he is your manager/boss but you both need to find a way of keeping it strictly professional.