He's leaving after 12 years, I can't get over him!

[Karen.R]

Hi, I'm new here. I found this forum while searching on how to forget your ex (especially forget sex with your ex) but no one seemed to have a clear answer especially that none of the replies were for a relationship that long so I decided to make my own post maybe someone would help.

 

I guess I should go back to the beginning, we went to the same high school but I didn't know him much, then we went to college where we got together and became an item. Let the record show he approached me, and he said "I Love You" first. We were together for 4 years before getting engaged for 2 more then getting married at the age of 24 (6 years ago).

 

Everyone thought it was the fairy tale and the whole happily ever after thing, including me. I was working in Europe and I quit my job to come back home and marry him (and I feel so stupid about this every single day). I even ignored a lot of the **** his mom did to ruin our marriage including how she made him stand me up for over an hour ON OUR WEDDING DAY!!! I made my parents wait and I came up with excuses for him and later I found out she was behind it. She was all "Monster In-Law" on me all to the point of trying to poison me by adding spices she knows I'm allergic to (and she's a doctor!)

 

Anyway it all came crashing when he decided to move to another city for PhD studies and I didn't want to go with him. First he didn't include me in his decision from the beginning, he went ahead and did all the papers and applications without even asking my opinion and then when time came he never asked me to go with him... He said "I'm going and you're staying so where does that leave us?" That was 2 years ago and he went and I stayed back home. I got a job and I supported myself for those 2 years since he was on scholarship and didn't have a penny to spare (he did offer sending me money but I always said I had enough..stupid supportive wife and all). I guess I thought that maybe he'll realize that I'm doing this out of love and he'll appreciate that. Long story short it was a year from hell where I cried, screamed and suffered mild depression before getting on with my life (work work work)

 

After his first year he came back for a short vacation and he didn't even tell me he's coming. He went to stay at his parents' house and I found out when he accidentally texted me from the airport instead of texting his mother. Around that time I had a roommate (friend who's been kicked out of her apartment so she was staying with me, he knew about it) so I made myself believe this was why he didn't come home. We met, we talked about how we're still in love and how we will work things out and we ended up doing it (because I knew he couldn't resist me ) I spent couple of nights with him at his parents house then he brought up the divorce thing! Apparently he doesn't like a single thing about me, he doesn't like my temper, he doesn't like how I react to bad service (which is basically giving them bad feedback, especially restaurants) and he doesn't like how I don't want to have kids (We had an agreement not to have any kids since we got together at the age of 18 btw)

 

It's just so mean, why give me hope that we're getting back together then take it back? I started blogging about it in a private blog that basically only he knows about. I was just venting and apparently he was subscribed to the blog and read everything. I was hoping he would to understand how I felt. Maybe I'm not good with spoken words but I know I can write it.

 

He came back last December also staying at his parents' house and only notifying me when he was already here. All my friends told me you tried more than you should and it's time to let go but I couldn't. He's been my life for the past 12 years..not 1 or 2, 12 whole years. My whole adult life basically since I turned 18. He was also my first so that's twice as hard to let go. We met when he got back, I told him if he wants to go ahead with the divorce he should and I'm done trying but I have few things to say. I told him how I feel and how I still don't want kids yet but it's not like he can afford it now anyway so why not work on the communication issues then maybe we can work out the kids thing later.

 

He listened, asked me time to think about it and I gave him that time and respected his space until he called for another meeting. He said he loves me and we should get back together and he went home with me (no more roommate by then) and needless to say the sex was epic. He's always been so good at it. Also needless to say he got back on his word AGAIN, after 3 days exactly (and after spending some time with his mother :mad: )

 

It was over, he broke up with me less than a month before my 30th birthday which made it all that much harder on me. My grandpa died and he didn't even bother comforting me with a phone call, after 12 years I'm not worth it anymore..

 

So back to my original question, we're scheduled to get divorced this June and I've been thinking about him (sexually and otherwise) so I want to know if there's a way to get over him that doesn't include a new relationship because I'm not open to anything right now? and is there a way to stop being attracted to him like that (also not involving having sex with another, not going to help)? He seems to have moved on and I think I should too because this limbo sucks. Please help

 

TL;DR getting divorced after a 12 year relationship and I need help to stop thinking about sex with him.

[d0nnivain]

There is no magic formula that can speed the healing process. It takes time. You have been together since high school so these are huge changes in your life, but on another level not really because you haven't lived together for quite sometime.

 

 

Some techniques that ease the pain include:

 

 

1. writing lists of all the ways you are better off (# 1 ought to be no more monster in law)

 

 

2. boxing up all the joint stuff & throwing it out of storing it away

 

 

3. changing your living environment to remove all reminders of him. Move the furniture around, get new sheets, buy some throw pillows. In short make it as much of a new space as you can't if you can't outright move

 

 

4. shake up your own routine. Take a new way to work. Join a gym. take a class. Get a hobby. Do things to forced you to not wallow

 

 

5. Delete him & block him off social media.

 

 

6. Consider therapy or divorced support groups. You need a outlet for your upset.

[elaine567]

You CAN and you will.

He has been gone for 2 years in reality, only hooking up with you for sex when he came back "on vacation" and stayed with his parents.

What sort of a relationship is that? Don't blame his mother, he is a grown up man, if he truly wanted you he would be with you.

 

Wake up, you deserve a whole lot more than this.

Divorce and never look back.

Plenty nicer guys around.

[Still recovering]

I too met my ex when i was 18, we were together for 17 years. I've been lurking on this site for quite some time looking for help, support, hope, anything. Unfortunately, these days really long term relationships like ours are the exception. Consequently there is not much good advice out there for us. Most of what your going to hear is move on, you deserve better, you will find someone better etc. Of course in principal these things sound great, but in our situation this is much easier said than done. Especially since my ex was my first everything, my best friend. We grew up together and she was there for me my entire adult life. I literally do not know life without her.

 

So like i said before I've been checking out this site for quite some time and the most common thing involving breakups is that there usually is someone else. It would not surprise me in the least if this was the case in your situation. Him saying he does not like a single thing about you was just a way for him to alleviate his guilt, a way for him to justify leaving you. Me and my ex have been broken up for a year and a half. She moved out but for the first year we remained extremely close, texting and hanging out all the time. We clearly still really loved each other and i thought we would get back together. This all changed when she met someone else. She became cold, distant, almost hateful towards me. She would bring up things that i did in the past that she didn't like, gifts that i gave her that she didn't like. She never once said any of these things to me until there was someone else. This was all of course a way to alleviate her guilt and justify her new relationship.

 

I tried to get her back, to reconcile, but she did not want to. She claimed she wanted to be single, she wanted to experience life without me. I got a thousand reasons to not be together. All of it was BS. The reality was that she chose to be with someone else. She chose a frickin stranger that she knew for a month over someone who she had known for 17 years. So I've been in no contact for the last 5 months. NC has helped in that it has dulled the pain of me thinking about her with someone else. Unfortunately though i still think about her every hour of every day. What she's up to, will she come back, could i take her back. I think about how someone that i knew so well, better than anyone else on the face of the planet could do this to me, betray me, lie to me, throw me away.

 

You are making a good decision in not starting a new relationship or having sex with someone else. I tried both figuring that it worked for my ex it should work for me, but i was sadly mistaken. All it made me do was think of my ex. I also ended up breaking someone elses heart in the process, which was not at all what i intended and not cool.

 

Honestly the only thing that i think is going to help us move on is No Contact and time. Try and keep your mind occupied. Read instead of watching TV. Spend time with friends and family. Hopefully you still have friends. I lost most of my friends to this relationship and the few i have left are married with kids and have no time. Clearing your mind through meditation helps a lot as well.

[d0nnivain]

Still Recovering

 

 

I urge you to make your own thread.

 

 

I survived the end of a an LTR. . . 12 years together, lived together for 10. While we weren't each other's first, he was my first adult relationship & was around as I grew up too even though we started post grad school . . . but with him I learned to pay bills, cook, be an adult.

 

 

So the platitudes are just that but they are also true.

[elaine567]

So like i said before I've been checking out this site for quite some time and the most common thing involving breakups is that there usually is someone else.

 

The reality of the situation as regards break ups, is that the dumper breaks up the relationship, so that they can see and sleep with other people.

If they really wanted to work on the relationship, they would stay and work on the relationship.

Some already have someone else in mind, whilst others just want to be free to look around.

But looking around, seeing and sleeping with other people is ultimately what they want to do.

[Karen.R]

There is no magic formula that can speed the healing process. It takes time. You have been together since high school so these are huge changes in your life, but on another level not really because you haven't lived together for quite sometime.

 

Thanks for your advice, I'm already planning to move out but still haven't found a good place yet. He already took everything of his (except maybe few shirts) so there isn't much left of him.

 

I have had couple of fitness classes with friends of mine, I think I'll go back to that now. I stopped about 5 months ago when he returned due to not having time for this between being upset and running around to figure out my next move.

 

He's not active on Social Media at all so that's no biggie. What should I do about his family members though? I mean his mom () and his brother, cousins, aunts are all friends with me on facebook. Should I just let them end it/unfriend me or should I do it myself?

[Karen.R]

I too met my ex when i was 18, we were together for 17 years. I've been lurking on this site for quite some time looking for help, support, hope, anything. Unfortunately, these days really long term relationships like ours are the exception. Consequently there is not much good advice out there for us. Most of what your going to hear is move on, you deserve better, you will find someone better etc. Of course in principal these things sound great, but in our situation this is much easier said than done. Especially since my ex was my first everything, my best friend. We grew up together and she was there for me my entire adult life. I literally do not know life without her.

 

I too was waiting for someone who shared a similar experience because like you say it's good in theory but easier said than done. It's just not that easy to get over a person you spent a long time with because you share so much with them. It's like you need to change your whole life even the kind of music you listen to or movies you go to or books your read!

 

We were best friends as well, we shared lots of similar interests (and many friends who mostly took my side on this, and he said you can have them in the divorce..). We even work in the same field so it's all that hard to find his name on a paper or a research by accident. Change my career as well?? it's just not that feasible to remove him from my life like that.

 

The reminders will be there whether we all like it or not, I guess I'll just have to find a way around it so I don't feel bad every time I go to a place we used to like or listen to the radio playing a song we shared. It's just not as easy with friends accidentally slipping and mentioning his name in conversations about some meetup or conference or even an event like a wedding of a common friend. It gets awkward and more so when someone who's been out of touch crosses my path and ask about him. Long relationships sure have their downside upon breakup

[Karen.R]

The reality of the situation as regards break ups, is that the dumper breaks up the relationship, so that they can see and sleep with other people.

If they really wanted to work on the relationship, they would stay and work on the relationship.

Some already have someone else in mind, whilst others just want to be free to look around.

But looking around, seeing and sleeping with other people is ultimately what they want to do.

 

Actually mine is after a baby At the age of 29 he suddenly realized he wants to have kids and since we agreed we're not and I'm still not into kids (not mom material at all) he decided he'll go find himself someone else who's willing. My friends suspect that he's already found someone or at least has his eyes on someone and that's why he's been pushing for divorce so he can remarry (old fashioned guy, no kids out of wedlock and all)

 

What's bothering me is that I asked him, if there's anyone else and he said no. I even told him I'll grant him the divorce if there's someone else and I'm the block in the way because "I don't want to be a roadblock in his happiness" and he still said there's no one!! why lie to me if there is? and if there isn't then why push so hard for the divorce without even trying for the sake for the past 12 years?

 

A recently divorced friend says a similar thing, she's exactly in my shoes with a long love story and high school sweethearts and all that. Her husband also married her in their early 20's and then they got a divorce recently. Her theory is that when guys hit a certain age (mostly late 20's early 30's) they realize they didn't have a normal life like their peers. They were in a relationship so early in life (at the age of 16-18) that they never got to experience the whole dating/"lots of other fish in the sea" kind of thing. Somehow that seems to make sense to most of the guys but to me it just doesn't. I admit it's hard to be in a monogamous relationship all your life especially when you hit the bumps of life and arguments. And of course there are better fish in the sea (other guys do attract my attention some times, I'm not a saint or a nun!) but it's about being content with what you have and knowing that all those other fish don't compare at the end of the day to the person you love the most. It's looking and even comparing but always happily discarding the thought because your partner always wins the comparison.

 

What really bugs me in the whole "kids" thing is how he's so blinded by the idea of wanting a kid that it doesn't matter who he has it with! I know if I ever change my mind and decide I want a kid I would want to have his kid not any kid with any random guy...so why is it sooooo easy for him to just replace me like that? I mean how is it that the desire to have a kid can be so much more important than who you have the kid with? It just doesn't feel right, especially that kids grow up, move out and you're left alone with the person you had those kids with. Who you grow old with is more important than the kids. Also having kids should be because you want to share this with someone who's special to you not just a "breeding vessel" or a surrogate, right? I really feel sorry for that child already, I mean growing up in a house where the father just wanted any woman willing to breed doesn't seem healthy to me

 

I guess @elaine567 you're right, if he wanted me he would have found a way to stay and work on the relationship. I just don't understand why!! I mean I didn't change that much, if at all. Everyone who's known me since high schools can vouch for that. I've always had a bit of temper and I always complained about bad service mostly because I consider it my right to get the service I pay for, so what changed that suddenly made him realize he hates everything about me like that? Also those are not reasons to break off a marriage, that's a sacred bond before God not some teen hookup drama! I even brought that up and his response was "it's on me" (before God that is).

 

could it be just trying to justify it to himself like @Still recovering said? Or quarter-life crisis thing? I read about that and it seems similar to midlife crisis where men go get younger mistresses and red cars only more toned down. I just want to understand why, this question has been keeping me up most nights because there's no logic behind it and he's a very logical scientific person so it doesn't seem like him to make such decisions.

 

Also the fact that he still says he loves me despite everything and wants what's best for me doesn't make it any easier for me to go past that question. 2 people who love each other don't just move on with their lives apart! I think if I knew the "why" I'll be more accepting or something? I don't know but it's bugging me and I can't get an answer from him.

[d0nnivain]

Karen

 

 

I think you clearly see the two big issues: him having a midlife crisis & wanting kids. When somebody changes their mind on such a huge issue it upends a lot of things.

 

 

As for his family I would go ahead & unfriend them. You take the initiative. I never take it personally when after a break up the person faded out of my life. I find it weirder when they want to hang on even though our only connection has been severed.

 

 

Going back to the exercise class with your peers sounds like a good idea. I'm glad that you have a real life support group. It sounds like you & your other friend can commiserate because you're in the same boat.

[elaine567]

Her theory is that when guys hit a certain age (mostly late 20's early 30's) they realize they didn't have a normal life like their peers. They were in a relationship so early in life (at the age of 16-18) that they never got to experience the whole dating/"lots of other fish in the sea" kind of thing.

 

Young women in LTR with HS/college sweethearts do exactly the same thing, they realise that starting from about 25+ they never had a single life, they either do not want to get married as that is the presumed next step, or they do not want to be married any longer, or do not want saddled with kids, they want to be free and single. There is a life out there and they missed it, but no longer....

 

Your man wants kids, he can't have them with you, perhaps that is the reason for the split, maybe not, maybe just an excuse, who knows?

[Still recovering]

I too was waiting for someone who shared a similar experience because like you say it's good in theory but easier said than done. It's just not that easy to get over a person you spent a long time with because you share so much with them. It's like you need to change your whole life even the kind of music you listen to or movies you go to or books your read!

 

We were best friends as well, we shared lots of similar interests (and many friends who mostly took my side on this, and he said you can have them in the divorce..). We even work in the same field so it's all that hard to find his name on a paper or a research by accident. Change my career as well?? it's just not that feasible to remove him from my life like that.

 

The reminders will be there whether we all like it or not, I guess I'll just have to find a way around it so I don't feel bad every time I go to a place we used to like or listen to the radio playing a song we shared. It's just not as easy with friends accidentally slipping and mentioning his name in conversations about some meetup or conference or even an event like a wedding of a common friend. It gets awkward and more so when someone who's been out of touch crosses my path and ask about him. Long relationships sure have their downside upon breakup

 

I honestly wish i could get a lobotomy and lop off the parts of my brain that contain memories of her. Your right, the reminders will always be there. I've tried changing home decor, i got a new job, a new car, none of it helped. Everywhere i go i have memories of her; downtown, the beach, the mall during Christmas was particularly brutal. You mention seeing his name on a paper or research by accident. Apparently my ex still hasn't changed her address so i still get her freakin mail from time to time. This after i pleaded with her to stop this from happening, to help me forget. I honestly think she is doing this on purpose so that i don't forget. Our exes would have to be haunted by the same reminders no. Why/how does it not bother them? This makes me feel extra crappy like the relationship didn't mean as much to them.

[jonesey0]

I honestly wish i could get a lobotomy and lop off the parts of my brain that contain memories of her. Your right, the reminders will always be there. I've tried changing home decor, i got a new job, a new car, none of it helped. Everywhere i go i have memories of her; downtown, the beach, the mall during Christmas was particularly brutal. You mention seeing his name on a paper or research by accident. Apparently my ex still hasn't changed her address so i still get her freakin mail from time to time. This after i pleaded with her to stop this from happening, to help me forget. I honestly think she is doing this on purpose so that i don't forget. Our exes would have to be haunted by the same reminders no. Why/how does it not bother them? This makes me feel extra crappy like the relationship didn't mean as much to them.

 

Still recovering, your worlds could be mine.

14 years together, first everything to eachother, now complete strangers.

Its like my entire life as i knew it was gone one day, and i had to start all over again.

But im getting there. Little by little.

All the best to you.

[Still recovering]

What's bothering me is that I asked him, if there's anyone else and he said no. I even told him I'll grant him the divorce if there's someone else and I'm the block in the way because "I don't want to be a roadblock in his happiness" and he still said there's no one!! why lie to me if there is? and if there isn't then why push so hard for the divorce without even trying for the sake for the past 12 years?

 

I believe that our exes think that by lying to us, they are in a way protecting us, shielding us from the truth to make the breakup less painful. My ex admitted she was dating someone else but lied to me about the seriousness of the relationship, how often she saw him, how she couldn't imagine having sex with anyone other than me (yeah right). These lies did not make the reality of the matter any less painful. In fact they made things worse. I trusted her more than anyone on this planet. These lies made me question our entire 17 years together; what else did she lie about while we were together, was she who i thought she was, did i really know her, was she just putting on an act, telling me what i wanted to hear all these years.

 

I have to believe he is lying to you, that there is someone else and he is trying to minimize your pain. People who have been in relationships as long as us are seriously codependent. The fact that he is willing to sacrifice all of your mutual friends lends further proof to there being someone else. No way is he divorcing you and giving up all his friends to be alone.

 

 

A recently divorced friend says a similar thing, she's exactly in my shoes with a long love story and high school sweethearts and all that. Her husband also married her in their early 20's and then they got a divorce recently. Her theory is that when guys hit a certain age (mostly late 20's early 30's) they realize they didn't have a normal life like their peers. They were in a relationship so early in life (at the age of 16-18) that they never got to experience the whole dating/"lots of other fish in the sea" kind of thing. Somehow that seems to make sense to most of the guys but to me it just doesn't. I admit it's hard to be in a monogamous relationship all your life especially when you hit the bumps of life and arguments. And of course there are better fish in the sea (other guys do attract my attention some times, I'm not a saint or a nun!) but it's about being content with what you have and knowing that all those other fish don't compare at the end of the day to the person you love the most. It's looking and even comparing but always happily discarding the thought because your partner always wins the comparison.

 

I believe that our exes are both emotionally immature and don't know what love is. A lot of emotionally immature people believe that love is a feeling. The butterflies you get when you first start to get to know someone new. That's not love but infatuation, a chemical reaction in your brain which is similar to a cocaine high. After 12 and 17 years respectively that feeling is long gone. Love is not a feeling but a choice, once the feeling of infatuation fades and you see the other person's flaws you choose to stay, to love them despite their flaws.

 

Our exes believe that the feeling of infatuation is love. Right now we don't compare to other fish because we don't illicit that feeling. I believe that one day, could be years from now, our exes will realize what love really is and they will truly regret their decisions. Unfortunately by then it will be too late.

 

 

Also the fact that he still says he loves me despite everything and wants what's best for me doesn't make it any easier for me to go past that question. 2 people who love each other don't just move on with their lives apart! I think if I knew the "why" I'll be more accepting or something? I don't know but it's bugging me and I can't get an answer from him.

 

My ex said she loved me as well. Except i got the dreaded i love you but I'm not in love with you. Again proof that she is emotionally immature and believes that love is that feeling of infatuation. You're right, 2 people who love each other don't just move on with their lives apart. Emotionally mature people, who love each other, who've know each other for a lifetime and are best friends would work it out, would do anything to try and regain the spark.

Edited May 1, 2016 by Still recovering

[Still recovering]

Still recovering, your worlds could be mine.

14 years together, first everything to eachother, now complete strangers.

Its like my entire life as i knew it was gone one day, and i had to start all over again.

But im getting there. Little by little.

All the best to you.

 

Thanks for the well wishes. Just read your story, a lot of similarities. Funny your ex said that she wanted to be the same person she was before she met you, mine said the exact same thing. How freaking pathetic is that, a 36 year old woman wanting to be an 18 year old, how sad.

Edited May 2, 2016 by Still recovering

[Karen.R]

Obviously it's a popular trend among long-term relationship partners in their late 20's / early 30's!! They just realize they want to experience more so they let go of the people who stood by them all those years

 

Yesterday (today? days are getting all mixed up ) I found his new address (he's sharing a house with some college buddies) and I found that the house right next to their house is up for sale!! It's not too big and actually within my price range So all I could think about was buying this house just to annoy him

I mean the next day after the divorce I would just move there and "surprise neighbor" that should give me some satisfaction I guess. I just don't know if I'll actually go through with this but I really want to annoy him and cause him the same pain and inconvenience he is causing me. I know this sounds childish and immature but I can't help it. I'm just tired of feeling sorry for myself. At least if he's not happy then we're even somehow

 

Also my dad had his lawyer drawing a post nup so he can sign it before the divorce. I didn't even know there was a "post nup" kind of agreement, always heard about pre nup only but apparently there is. I'm telling my dad that it's not required but he wants to set rules before the divorce actually takes place to ensure he-who-shall-not-be-named doesn't go back on his word or something (since he's now famous for that )

Should I let him do it? I'm against it because I really don't want further arguments with this guy, I just want to get it over with. I also don't believe he's that stupid or mean to go back on his word on the whole divorce agreement so I said let's wait and see. What do you all think?

[elaine567]

DO NOT buy that house.

He is merely renting, so the minute you move in he moves out and then where would you be? YOU would feel petty stupid, no?

 

Also do you really want to see him and his friends party with other women whilst you sit alone twitching the curtains. Do you really want to get into fights over the garden wall about the noise or the fact he has a harem visiting at all hours...

Stay away.

 

Do not be too trusting, divorce changes people.

YOU may find he is not as cooperative or as fair as you may assume.

I know nothing of post-nups but you should at least find out about it, do not dismiss it out of hand.