Long distant girlfriend claims that friendship with ex boyfriend is strictly platonic

[zxcvbn]

my current girlfriend had broken up with her abusive ex boyfriend for 4 months and then started dating me. so my girlfriend and i have been dating for 4 months and it has been great. we are basically in a long distance relationship. we met up with each other for a month then we went back to being in a long distance relationship. last 2 weeks, her ex boyfriend came back and they started going out more often. she told me that they have a strictly platonic friendship. they even planned a one week trip together to meet up with their mutual friends and to settle and move everything there since her rental is going to end. she s going to stay at his place for a week because she told me that he s the only friend that has a car and a clean place to say so its convenient. she told me that nothing will happen and they will never get back together. and she will come back to me in a week since ill be returning in one week. the ex boyfriend told her that he isn t going to steal her away from me and he s happy that i can make her smile everyday.

 

Her ex boyfriend is currently seeing someone but they re not official. and he is going for overseas studies soon.

 

She told me that she wants to be with me cause i make her happy everyday and she s not getting back together with him because she knows too much about him.

 

So... should i trust her and hope that she really comes back to me?

[d0nnivain]

IMO you can't be friends with a recent EX. Her thinking you can is problematic. She's lying to somebody -- most likely herself. The fact that he was abusive to her but she still has him around means she makes bad judgments.

 

 

LDRS are hard enough. The require tremendous trust. She is undermining your ability to trust her & playing you for a fool.

 

 

If you are long distance, what difference does it make that the EX will be going away soon? She can be long distance with him too.

 

 

Since she is unable to or unwilling to make a choice between you or him, make it for her. Get out.

 

 

My answer would be different if this other guy was a true friend with whom she only ever had a platonic friendship with from the get go. Then I'd tell you to deal with it. It's not, though. It's an EX. Vastly different & the new SO gets to say the EX has to be completely gone.

 

 

More importantly, since she has only been split from him for a short time this looks way more like a reconciliation then just friends.

[zxcvbn]

i talked to her for awhile. she told me she hangs out with him cause she's in her comfort zone and believe that he won't leave her no matter what. i told her that she needs to save herself cause exes should stay exes for a reason. don't let the good memories blind you into forgetting bout the reasons that you two broke up. i just hope that she wakes up and realises that she deserves the best future and not settle for it. she told me that she'll be back in a week and she believes that i can help her forget the past and move on into a new life.

 

i really hope that she wakes up from this and realises this before its too late. but it all comes down to herself if she's willing to fight the demons inside her.

 

I really don't want to let her go , should i give it a shot after a week? Her ex is leaving in like a week too. Do you think that we have a chance at this? I'm willing to give her my time and let her notice who really treats her good and not dwell on the past. i believe time will make her notice this and move on from her abusive past. She deserves the best.

 

Just hope time heals everything and let her see what the future lies ahead.

[d0nnivain]

No I don't think you have a chance because she will always pick him over you.

[ExpatInItaly]

This is heading in a very bad direction for you, OP.

 

She is still attached to him and clearly isn't over him. Staying with him? Oh, hell no.

 

Sorry OP, but she's very likely to go back to him. Get out now.

[justwhoiam]

my current girlfriend had broken up with her abusive ex boyfriend for 4 months and then started dating me.

[...]

last 2 weeks, her ex boyfriend came back and they started going out more often. she told me that they have a strictly platonic friendship. they even planned a one week trip together to meet up with their mutual friends and to settle and move everything there since her rental is going to end.

I'll tell you what's wrong with all of this, without sugarcoating for you.

 

1. She claimed he's an abusive guy.

2. Still, she claims she can have a platonic friendship with him after recently breaking up with him.

3. She goes so far as to arrange a trip with him alone (they could meet up friends at the destination or not, who cares).

4. She asked for his help and I assume she didn't ask YOU first. So that's really messed up, because YOU should be the first person she goes to, right now, not an abusive ex.

5. She thinks she can do whatever she wants while being with you. You accept that = you're f-ed.

 

Bonus:

"she s going to stay at his place for a week" = How convenient. But I think life is not just about convenience.

 

should i trust her and hope that she really comes back to me?

What kind of crap you want to put up with is only up to you. To each his own.

 

she told me she hangs out with him cause she's in her comfort zone

Comfort zone and abuse don't go together... or she has more problems than you imagined. But I sense she's just feeding you a bunch of crap.

 

i told her that she needs to save herself cause exes should stay exes for a reason

Man, this kind of reasoning won't take you anywhere. This is not something to talk about, like: oh, should I share my bed with friend Jake or not? Would you mind? Let's talk about it... Unless you're in an open couple, devoted to switching or the other gets excited about the idea of their partner being with other people.

 

I really don't want to let her go

Then I have no advice for you. Let it go its course.

 

Do you think that we have a chance at this?

A chance for what? Are you going to move to where she's moving?

 

I'm willing to give her my time and let her notice who really treats her good and not dwell on the past.

I think history has taught us that the nice guy recipe often doesn't work. But you never know.

 

let her see what the future lies ahead.

Amen to that.

[hippychick3]

In addition to what's already been posted, it's very disrespectful to you to have this type of relationship with an ex. To stay with any guy for a week at his place is just inappropriate when you're in a relationship.

 

Sorry, OP. Her attachment is still to him. You're a safe spot for her to fall back on.

[carhill]

OP, to clarify, you'll be visiting her in a week?

 

If so, since this ex is platonic, no harm in meeting him since she's apparently staying with him short term. Not much different than my meeting my exW's #2exH when we were dating. Guys establish a lot by looking in eyes and shaking hands.

 

One question, also raised by others..... why would you want to be with someone who left a person they described as abusive and then continued to be friends with them? Or, does that psychology seem compatible to you? That part struck me as odd.

 

LDR's are tough anyway. I've done a couple. This milieu would have me heading for the exit. In any event, verify. There's a lot of words here with very little verification. Good luck!

[lolablue17]

Just one question: If she says you're the one who makes her happy, why isn't she plan her trip to see you? Why him?

[zxcvbn]

Ok so to clarify things up.

We are both from the same city , but I went overseas to study and I'll be finishing up in a week then I'll go back to my hometown and settle down there . Her ex is from another state where she used to study so her stuff are still over there so she needs someone to help her move them back to her hometown.

She also promised that she'll come back in a week and work things out with me or start over . She told me that after she met up with all her friends there , she'll come back and start a new one with me . The reason why she feels like this is because I'm so far apart from her and she has no one to lean on .

 

I'm thinking if she needs time and space to settle everything once and for all and then come back to me and start a new life with me , I'm willing to give her that space. She told me not to give up on her as she knows she'll be back for me .

 

She told me that she has full confidence that I can make her forget bout her past and move on . After a week, we'll be back to our hometown and not leave anymore .

 

Her ex also gave her his blessing claiming that I'll take care of her that I can make her happy .

 

Well, I guess the only thing I could do is wait for a week and we meet up to settle things .

 

Is it possible that if I spend more time with her and create new memories with her, she'll be able to forget him and move on ?

[lolablue17]

Well, all you can do is hope, it's not in your hands and you have no control over her.

 

What bothers me is that She'll do what she wants anyway, with or without your blessing. The fact that you are bothered about her hanging out with him, sleeping at his place, doesn't make her changing even 0.1% of her original plans, regardless of you feelings.

 

She says that she cares for you and won't cheat, but she acts now as if you're not her boyfriend. She has plans for you to be together only AFTER you come back, and till then your feelings mean nothing to her. Because if they did, she would have done things to make you feel better, she could have found some compromises.

 

So if she feels free to act like she's single until you're back, well, you know singles are free to have any kind of fun while they are singles.