--> self stop divorce books, , confusion!!!

[Dazed64]

So I'm here for open honest opinions please... I was formerly married 18 years , my wife married before also....we met, swore we'd never marry, dated 2 years living together part, married during her legal immigration but we loved each other so I really didn't care... You know when you KNOW someone is really into you? You know when you've got that perfect someone, we had that in each other and I didn't regret it a minute and neither did she.. 2 years ago she finally became a US citizen, nothing changed except she'd had a car accident which brought on PTSD on me since I had an accident that disabled me from a brain injury. That same year, 2014 she got the citizenship and had a car accident in May...

I'm the typical guy who didn't see the signs until now, I could be the poster child for the wife trying and the husband missing the signals that trouble was brewing. She loves me still, I know it..

It was the weekend of feb 14th we had an excellent weekend, literally... and she was talking about my having to get her more flowers since Valentine's fell on a weekend she wanted our anniversary to be where i send lots of flowers which was March 19... anyway, so the next weekend normal, the following Tuesday she says "I'm going with XXX her friend *female* to go see a shaman to have a reading friday, cool I say... so Friday she comes home normal, Saturday I work part of the day and we meet for lunch, again fairly regular... then Saturday evening we were to go out well... that was where it went sideways, she came home and said what are u doing? I said cleaning the kitchen so we could go out, WELL WE AREN'T GOING OUT ALL WE DO IS GO OUT, WE DON'T TALK AND IF YOU DON'T STOP YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE YOUR STUFF PACKED OR I WILL PACK... I said "you're gonna pack" your stuff.. she blew up, crying and asked me to stay on the couch and why am I not all upset??? I said because I thought we were going out since we had her sister here two months and because we had her sister all that time now she was gone and we had private time. The first private time in two months.

 

So the next a.m. she comes in "I'm not happy" I want a divorce... I do the typical running around and all those things we do in a panic trying to fix it. Following monday takes her phone over to her own account.

 

March, she goes with me to dr, my psychologist... tells him everything I did early in our marriage with things like a fight with someone, or some b.s. that has nothing to do with why we're there.. so dr says now how about next week we meet because what he said isn't exactly what you said so in the parking lot she EXPLODED and next day filed for divorce. Never served me, carried it in the car for a week until I got a letter from an ad saying to hire me bla bla ad.

 

So then she has a work trip with her boss to Philippines, I see comments on the whatsapp like >>.. do you want burger king, I know u didn't eat today.. and his reply thanks for taking care of me then another day he messages he is going to stay in and rest and that they are going to mass the next day and he messages next morning ... how about we skip that and go to breakfast then later we go to that new area for dinner (on a weekend) ... then at the end of his trip he goes back before she does and she says "I wanted to thank you for taking care of me" and my family and friends thank u also" and I miss you already

He never says another word about it and blows it off... they have worked together 4 years so I could understand if they were close but I still can't help wonder. No more communication nor anything.

 

Comes home same ... I eventually ask her about if there is an emotional or physical thing with someone and the answer is... wait for it... no of course.

 

I buy gps to tag her, check phone, nothing, so I think it is simply she is over it... so I'd bought two books, one stop your divorce by the homer guy the other was by lee baucom save marriage.... different approaches but the main thing is to change yourself, start over, etc...

 

I did that with her occasionally saying what are you doing, why are you changing, bla bla

 

I have lost 30 plus pounds, go to gym, act happy, dont control and by the way no gps in car etc.. I decided to pull that and focus more on myself and if it is to be, it is up to me kinda attitude.

 

I got upset one week and text messaged "i just threw up from the stress, I am going to pack my stuff while you are on your trip and I'll just do this all by mail" and she said "I never said i wouldn't do counseling"...

 

So now her attorney was pressuring her, since March early in march I never signed it... so finally i signed it and said welcome to your divorce then left.

 

She wants to do a slow divorce WHY WHY and be done by december 2016 and after we do all the financial stuff we can work on being friends ...

 

WHAT IN THE HELL is going on? back and forth wants to search psychology online and ask herself if she is making the right choice.

 

I found out and here is the biggie, I had been searching WHO is pushing the divorce, HER FRIGGEN SISTER who has never been married keeps telling her she is making the right choice and be strong and my wife tells her I'm not sure and she says yes you should be sure and romances the reasons she'll be happier.

 

Her one brother messages **** too...but not as bad

 

I read in both books to work on myself and let her go, if it is meant to be she will come back but I know the sister is a major influence! How do I deal with all this?

 

Do the coaches work, the save marriage coaches are like $2000 bucks for 5 50 minute sessions that is A LOT for advice.

[amaysngrace]

Let her go. If she's so easily influenced by what her sister and brother have to say she has no spine and will continue to be your burden.

[loveboid]

I would try to win over her sister. That way, her sister is advising your wife to stay because you're a good man, etc. etc. Her sister will make the arguments to keep you for you.

 

Also keep doing the change yourself thing...that works.

[Dazed64]

Let her go. If she's so easily influenced by what her sister and brother have to say she has no spine and will continue to be your burden.

 

She has a spine, her other brother said she is not easily influenced but ... I'm not into the trash the spouse and joke about it as if it were nothing, and to think I sent them money to help and to think all the while she wants her sister to be lonely like she is.

 

I did let her go, if she comes back, it is meant to be, if not, there are millions of other people in this world who would appreciate a decent good looking, clean cut, well groomed, no cheating spouse.

 

My biggest issue is I KNOW for a fact she is going to come back to me, I know it, she writes in a journal and leaves it open and put a pro/con to stay and put one reason to stay was love and drew a big heart... the emotional side of divorce only happens whilst you're in love with the idea but once it is done... the harsh reality of waking up in bed alone hits.

[Dazed64]

I would try to win over her sister. That way, her sister is advising your wife to stay because you're a good man, etc. etc. Her sister will make the arguments to keep you for you.

 

Also keep doing the change yourself thing...that works.

 

The sister should be "won over" for what I've done for her... grrrr... anyway, it is hard because she is in Venezuela influencing via messenger ... My wife's friend called me and said "please" give her some space, PLEASE... she is confused. Yeah Yeah... ok, I can give her space as long as I don't sleep in my suv.

 

I care about her, bottom line I want to fight for her but not overwhelm her yet not seem like poor little pitiful me.

[Conclude]

I hate that you're going through this situation, man. Working on yourself really is the best thing honestly. You have the right attitude with the "If it's meant to be.." mindset. But even knowing what you have to do, it's still hard to do it. The worst part of it all, is just the uncertainty. The thing I hate about your situation, is the in-laws actively working against you.. I can only imagine what one my wife's divorced friends (currently engaged) is telling her. That and her single friends who have never been married. But, both of our wives will ultimately have to come to the realization of what they want. I hope you get through this and learn something, one way or another. It seems like the best thing to come from these situations is the wisdom for the future. Good luck.