I'm lost...this is my story of my cheating wife

[High and Low]

My wife and I are 24 years old, we've been married for a year and a half and have a beautiful baby boy who turns one year old today.

 

Our relationship hasn't been the greatest in the recent months, she was withdrawn and I eventually responded in the same way. Within the last couple months, my wife changed a great deal. She became very spiritual and involved in church. Also, she made a new best friend, whom i never liked, but was cordial with for my wife's sake. This woman is in her late thirties and has two sons, 16 and 21. They also began to spend a great deal of time around my wife. Eventhough i didn't care much for them, i would be cordial and even go play basketball etc. with them when i was off work and my wife would watch the baby.

 

The clues were always in front of my face, but blind faith (coupled with the fact that the guy is honestly an ugly redneck) blinded me. June 1st was the day that she dropped the bomb, she didn't want to be with me anymore and there was no chance for our family to stay intact. After tears and pleading, she said i probably needed to be alone and i agreed. She took the baby and went over to her friends. Later on that night, my best friend came over and we were getting ready to go out...she came back but said the baby was asleep and she was going to get some things and stay with her friend. The next day, my wheels started turning...

 

Since she gave me no viable explanation for the demise of us, I started to think of all of the time she had been spending with these friends. 5 nights before, i watched the baby on my night off so she could go out to the bar and strip club with her friend and her 21y/o old son (i later learned that she also happened to have sex with him before they hit the town that night). She went tanning before she went out that night...also had these two new pairs of sexy panties. A couple nights after that night, they went on an out of town trip up north(my wife, child, her friend and two sons) to visit her friends family that she had went to visit earlier in the month. Boom...along with other small signs, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

I talked to my mother all day, she said she thought she was acting strange the recent weeks...I couldn't wait for my wife to get home from work. At first, it was complete denial...soon she could not even look at me. Eventually I got "I have feelings for or I like Danny, but nothing has ever happened between us." This was as much as I got out of her, before she left to go back over there for the night. Note, I swallowed my pride and pleaded for her to start over again, which was shot down. That night, I had Danny meet me at a crowded bar/grill place. He looked me in the eye and swore that he was completely clueless of even knowing of my wife's feelings. I never really believed him, but we were just going in circles. Thinking later that night, I noticed glaring holes in his story. They were guilty, but refused to admit it.

 

To spare a long story, after having various family members of both sides come over to house, she finally admitted to "f ing up" the next night. I hated her with every bone in my body. I gave her my keys (her parents had temporarily taken her car away) so she could just take a drive. Well, actually she ran to the friend to talk about whatever, I forgot what she told me later. The next morning she was ready to come clean about everything.

I suggested she call one of the pastors from church to sit in and she did. She admitted to sleeping with this guy on four occasions and they had planned to lie their way through the divorce, get our house, etc. She was distraught and confessed how much she wanted to try and make things work between us. I told her several times there was no chance, and I firmly hated her and wanted her out of my life. At some point, I confessed to myself that I still loved her. After talking with a co-worker (counselor) later on, I went back home and told my wife I wanted to start over and make it work.

 

From that point, until the present, I have been bruce banner/the hulk, with no real explanation. A couple nights later, after I got off work, I woke her up and we talked all night. In coming clean, I also learned that there were two other men that she had slept with while we were engaged. She talked about them alot and basically rubbed it in my face at that point in time, but she says that was her way of covering it up. Somehow, after a night of talking and screaming at her, I told her I still wanted it to work. My mom came to sit the baby and my wife and I took a drive to a remote spot and made love. We would a couple more times in the next couple nights...it was amazing when we did. She hasn't wanted to for over a week now, though.

 

Since then, we have times where things are great with us, it all depends on my mood. Sometimes I look at her and feel more in love than ever, other times I hate her and am disgusted by the sight of her. I truely believe she is committed to faithfully spending the rest of her life with me now. Here's a big point, she has sufferred sexual abuse a couple times during her childhood and adolescents. Working in a field with victims/offenders, I completely understand how this has affected her behavior/decision making. She has never sought help in the past. I found a good sexual abuse counselor for her and she is going to her third session tommorow. She has also opened up to me and confided that I am now truely her best friend ever (she confided that she unexplainably never came to me in times of crisis in the past).

 

Last night, I made sure everything was out on the table. It was tough for her, but I asked every little detail of everything and she complied. I learned how everything unfolded. The first time was when I was working a late night shift at the boys home. The second when I watched our son while they had sex before going out on the town together. The third, in a motel, while our baby slept in his playpen on the floor right next to them. On that night, she even let him ejaculate inside her. My son later woke up and they all slept in the bed together. The fourth time was the night that she told me that she wanted a divorce. Once in our home, twice at his mothers apartment where he lives, and once in the motel. I asked for very acurate details...conversations, full sexual details, etc., and she painfully complied. The first time was the 13th of May, so this is all still so fresh.

 

I feel like my pride is gone. At the sake of sounding vain, I am a good looking man who is extremely laid back (to a fault) and very loving and easy to get along with. The first guy she cheated with was an ugly photographer to was into the coffee shop scene. The second was the definition of a redneck...scarred face, missing tooth and all. The latter was also an ugly, tooth-missing piece of white trash. I know my view might be jaded, but this is what all of them honestly are. She admittinly has never felt any self-worth, and I have rationalized that she got to feel like the attractive one in her affairs with these men. In addition, any time I'm around friends and family, I feel so ashamed of myself for letting her do this to me and still taking her back, but they mostly seem happy of my decision to try and make things work.

 

I don't know where to go next. I'm concocting how I'm going to get even with the other guy, I've never been violent by nature, but I want bloodspill so bad. Sometimes I feel like I should go out and find someone to sleep with to make us even steven, but I know that probably wouldn't solve a thing. I learned that my our friends have known of all of her affairs all along, so I've been the ultimate fool. I now believe in my heart that she is 100% committed to making things right on her part. At times, I'm all for the idea. Other times, like right now, I want to go wake her up and tell her again how much I hate her and want her out of my life. I'm lost.................

[newbby]

have you discussed with her the idea of counselling? both marriage counselling and individual counselling?

it sounds like you are going through a natural grieving process.

i dont think that "getting even" with this other guy is going to help you.

you are all quite young and all confused.

all is not lost, it sounds as though your wife does love you but she needs some counselling to help herself, it really does sound as though she used these affairs to help her keep some kind of control over her feelings for you and her feelings about herself both within and outside of you and her.

as for the other guy, he has already lost, what good would getting revenge do, ultimately it will hurt you more.

sometimes life moves in mysterious ways, it sounds as though your wife really needs help. this is potentially a good situation even though it does not seem so. your son is only young, if you can both dedicate yourselves now to self-healing and relationship healing you can become a rock solid family unit before he gets old enough that he would notice these things. you can both become healthy and happy within yourselves that problems will not come out in later years.

remember that nobody can truly be a good partner if they are not whole themselves, for this reason direct your energies away from anger and towards self healing.

i think you will have to be the strong one here, although you may not feel that you have the strength now. heal yourself first and foremost from the pain of this, because if you do not you cannot help your wife and help your marriage. one drowning person cannot save another.

you have a choice to make about how to handle this and unfortunately that is up to you to decide although you may not feel you have the strength to.

there is always hope and it is never too late.

it sounds as though you have a supportive mother, use this time wisely and really make a decision to make the best of this.

it is natural to feel that you hate your wife at times and feel anger towards the other guy, but this anger needs to be acknowledged and then let go of. it will not help you.

really envisage the love and healing between you and direct your energy to that.

you can do this, believe in that.

be strong

[froggytroat]

Help? Work it out? What the hell is wrong with you.

 

Get a divorce, custody of your kid(s), and get the hell out. She'll never be any better.

 

That's a fact, if you have the balls and self respect to do it.

[butterfly221]

Hello. I'm so sorry for you. i urge you to focus on loving that beautiful

child you have. Just leave her alone, and move on with your life, because someone who would hurt you that way is not deserving of the love you obviously have to offer. You have been brave. I know that my situation cannot compare to yours.

 

But before you leave her think long and hard about if you can trust her again. I the answer is no, then you know what you must do. But you search your soul, you can find the answer.