I'm lost...this is my story of my cheating wife

[High and Low]

My wife and I are 24 years old, we've been married for a year and a half and have a beautiful baby boy who turns one year old today.

 

Our relationship hasn't been the greatest in the recent months, she was withdrawn and I eventually responded in the same way. Within the last couple months, my wife changed a great deal. She became very spiritual and involved in church. Also, she made a new best friend, whom i never liked, but was cordial with for my wife's sake. This woman is in her late thirties and has two sons, 16 and 21. They also began to spend a great deal of time around my wife. Eventhough i didn't care much for them, i would be cordial and even go play basketball etc. with them when i was off work and my wife would watch the baby.

 

The clues were always in front of my face, but blind faith (coupled with the fact that the guy is honestly an ugly redneck) blinded me. June 1st was the day that she dropped the bomb, she didn't want to be with me anymore and there was no chance for our family to stay intact. After tears and pleading, she said i probably needed to be alone and i agreed. She took the baby and went over to her friends. Later on that night, my best friend came over and we were getting ready to go out...she came back but said the baby was asleep and she was going to get some things and stay with her friend. The next day, my wheels started turning...

 

Since she gave me no viable explanation for the demise of us, I started to think of all of the time she had been spending with these friends. 5 nights before, i watched the baby on my night off so she could go out to the bar and strip club with her friend and her 21y/o old son (i later learned that she also happened to have sex with him before they hit the town that night). She went tanning before she went out that night...also had these two new pairs of sexy panties. A couple nights after that night, they went on an out of town trip up north(my wife, child, her friend and two sons) to visit her friends family that she had went to visit earlier in the month. Boom...along with other small signs, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

I talked to my mother all day, she said she thought she was acting strange the recent weeks...I couldn't wait for my wife to get home from work. At first, it was complete denial...soon she could not even look at me. Eventually I got "I have feelings for or I like Danny, but nothing has ever happened between us." This was as much as I got out of her, before she left to go back over there for the night. Note, I swallowed my pride and pleaded for her to start over again, which was shot down. That night, I had Danny meet me at a crowded bar/grill place. He looked me in the eye and swore that he was completely clueless of even knowing of my wife's feelings. I never really believed him, but we were just going in circles. Thinking later that night, I noticed glaring holes in his story. They were guilty, but refused to admit it.

 

To spare a long story, after having various family members of both sides come over to house, she finally admitted to "f ing up" the next night. I hated her with every bone in my body. I gave her my keys (her parents had temporarily taken her car away) so she could just take a drive. Well, actually she ran to the friend to talk about whatever, I forgot what she told me later. The next morning she was ready to come clean about everything.

I suggested she call one of the pastors from church to sit in and she did. She admitted to sleeping with this guy on four occasions and they had planned to lie their way through the divorce, get our house, etc. She was distraught and confessed how much she wanted to try and make things work between us. I told her several times there was no chance, and I firmly hated her and wanted her out of my life. At some point, I confessed to myself that I still loved her. After talking with a co-worker (counselor) later on, I went back home and told my wife I wanted to start over and make it work.

 

From that point, until the present, I have been bruce banner/the hulk, with no real explanation. A couple nights later, after I got off work, I woke her up and we talked all night. In coming clean, I also learned that there were two other men that she had slept with while we were engaged. She talked about them alot and basically rubbed it in my face at that point in time, but she says that was her way of covering it up. Somehow, after a night of talking and screaming at her, I told her I still wanted it to work. My mom came to sit the baby and my wife and I took a drive to a remote spot and made love. We would a couple more times in the next couple nights...it was amazing when we did. She hasn't wanted to for over a week now, though.

 

Since then, we have times where things are great with us, it all depends on my mood. Sometimes I look at her and feel more in love than ever, other times I hate her and am disgusted by the sight of her. I truely believe she is committed to faithfully spending the rest of her life with me now. Here's a big point, she has sufferred sexual abuse a couple times during her childhood and adolescents. Working in a field with victims/offenders, I completely understand how this has affected her behavior/decision making. She has never sought help in the past. I found a good sexual abuse counselor for her and she is going to her third session tommorow. She has also opened up to me and confided that I am now truely her best friend ever (she confided that she unexplainably never came to me in times of crisis in the past).

 

Last night, I made sure everything was out on the table. It was tough for her, but I asked every little detail of everything and she complied. I learned how everything unfolded. The first time was when I was working a late night shift at the boys home. The second when I watched our son while they had sex before going out on the town together. The third, in a motel, while our baby slept in his playpen on the floor right next to them. On that night, she even let him ejaculate inside her. My son later woke up and they all slept in the bed together. The fourth time was the night that she told me that she wanted a divorce. Once in our home, twice at his mothers apartment where he lives, and once in the motel. I asked for very acurate details...conversations, full sexual details, etc., and she painfully complied. The first time was the 13th of May, so this is all still so fresh.

 

I feel like my pride is gone. At the sake of sounding vain, I am a good looking man who is extremely laid back (to a fault) and very loving and easy to get along with. The first guy she cheated with was an ugly photographer to was into the coffee shop scene. The second was the definition of a redneck...scarred face, missing tooth and all. The latter was also an ugly, tooth-missing piece of white trash. I know my view might be jaded, but this is what all of them honestly are. She admittinly has never felt any self-worth, and I have rationalized that she got to feel like the attractive one in her affairs with these men. In addition, any time I'm around friends and family, I feel so ashamed of myself for letting her do this to me and still taking her back, but they mostly seem happy of my decision to try and make things work.

 

I don't know where to go next. I'm concocting how I'm going to get even with the other guy, I've never been violent by nature, but I want bloodspill so bad. Sometimes I feel like I should go out and find someone to sleep with to make us even steven, but I know that probably wouldn't solve a thing. I learned that my our friends have known of all of her affairs all along, so I've been the ultimate fool. I now believe in my heart that she is 100% committed to making things right on her part. At times, I'm all for the idea. Other times, like right now, I want to go wake her up and tell her again how much I hate her and want her out of my life. I'm lost.................

[jmargel]

You really need marriage counseling if not for both of you then just yourself. You'll have days where you'll love her and hate her. This is something that is going to happen for not just months but years. You still can't trust her even though you would like to. Does she still go out like this? Make her accountable for everything she does. That's disgusting that she would let your baby sleep with them in the bed like that. She slept with two other men before you got married, so you have some big issues in regards to her.

 

This isn't just an 'out of personality' goof-up with her, this is something that makes her who she is. She needs to find out the true reason she does this and to stop it now otherwise you'll have more problems in the future. The only way to do this is with counseling.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I am so sorry for you. I am going to be blunt with you. You have married a serial cheater. Look at the facts:

1) While you were engaged, she was screwing two different men.

2) You have been married only 1 1/2 years and she cheated on you. I would certainly have a paternity test taken on your baby.

3) After being married only a year she has you stay home while she has sex with a young guy at least 4 different times that she will admit to.

4) She puts your health at great risk by having unprotected sex which says she does not care what she gives you.

5) She even has sex with this guy in your home which is the ultimate in total disrespect to you.

 

I am sorry but you would have to be out of your mind to stay with this person. She does all these things after finding religion which shows what a total hypocrite she is. This is such a no brainer. You can guarantee that down the line your past will be your future. She has been cheating on you while engaged and while you have been married for such a short time. Why you are settling for this is beyond me. Do you really think you will ever be proud that this woman is your wife? Would you want you baby boy to grow up and marry someone like this? Your wife has consistently humiliated in so many ways that I think you would have to be a type of masochist to accept such total disrespect. I wish you luck because you will need it. Again I suggest strongly that you have a paternity test taken on your son. Your story is so sad.

[SexKitten]

sometimes i wonder how many people tell tales of having been abused to get away with repellant behaviour.

 

it's pretty sick, but people do that....which is wrong in every way. some people just enjoy that kind of drama.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by High and Low

I'm concocting how I'm going to get even with the other guy, I've never been violent by nature, but I want bloodspill so bad. Sometimes I feel like I should go out and find someone to sleep with to make us even steven....

 

It's natural to feel angry, and normal to have 'revenge fantasies'. DO NOT act on these feelings in ANY way. It will only exacerbate the problems....not solve them.

 

Your wife is fundementally flawed in regards to her ability to maintain fidelity. There is hope that with effective therapy, she might still make a good partner for you someday. However, that day is NOT today.

 

You'll need to enlist some help. I would consider IC (individual counseling), as well as MC (marriage counseling). Call the member services number on the back of your health insurance card for a summary of benefits and a list of preferred providers.

[whichwayisup]

I don't think she's understanding the consquences of her actions...Yet.

 

To shred some light on what you're feeling, going to go through in the upcoming months, and how to cope with it, please read DazednConfused's Thread about his wife cheating. It is long, but worth the read.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/

 

Sorry for your pain. I hope speaking to someone at the church helps, but you really ought to consider going to marriage councilling together. Each of you might also want to try some one on one therapy as well.

[reservoirdog1]

Hey H&L... sorry to find you here, man.

 

I have to agree with BryanP. The five points he listed, I could pretty much apply to my own situation. Like you, I married a serial cheat.

 

I'm sure you have a lot of people (among those who know) telling you that you should divorce her. That's easy to say, but much harder for you to apply because you're still in the midst of shock and devastation. You don't have to make a final decision today -- you've got a lot of ups and downs of emotion coming.

 

I wish I could tell you the answer, and what you should do. My own marriage to the serial cheat is now over. I got out of it disease-free (mercifully), with two children who I love dearly (though one of them is likely somebody else's bio product) and almost a decade of s***ty memories. Rebuilding my life has taken time, and it's still a work in progress. I'm glad to be where I am now, rather than where you are -- it's a crappy place to be.

 

About all I can tell you is that time is your ally. Also, seek comfort with your friends and family. Mine have been invaluable in the last two years. Start thinking in terms of what YOU want -- not what your cheating wife wants. Start doing things and making decisions in your life FOR YOU. You sound a bit like me, afflicted during the marriage with "nice guy" syndrome. A measure of selfishness at this point will do you a world of good.

 

Hang in there...

[Bryanp]

Hello again,

 

I reread your letter and now need to add two additional points:

 

6) She plotted behind your back to divorce you and steal your house with her lover.

7) She has sex with her lover in your home in your bed with your baby in the same room and then puts your baby between them in bed.

 

I am sorry but this is beyond comprehension. You need to save yourself. Do you really need to have a piano fall on your head? It is heartbreaking what she has done to you in such a short period of time.

[NiCoLe20]

ok, dont stay with this girl!! if you do, ur basically saying its ok for her to cheat, and she'll do it again.

 

get rid of her, see your kid on weekends and thats it. oh, by the way, are you even sure this is ur kid? she lets other guys cum in her so who even knows if this is even ur kid?! i would get a paternity test with that... leave her alone find someone who WONT cheat on u

[passing by]

From one who married a serial cheater and now regrets it with all her heart I ask you to please listen to BryanP. No matter how much you think you love her, you can't help her. She will continue to lie and cheat on you. You could get out now and suffer some immediate pain, get some help to find out why you put up with being treated like this, or you can stay with the cheater and suffer pain for many years to come. And not just your pain either. Your children will suffer also. You will have to make up the difference for your unstable spouse by being the stable spouse even though your heart is breaking and its not like your kids won't know this. Just like she doesn't care enough for or love you, she won't be able to care enough for and love them either. Some of us feel sorry for people like this, some of us don't have enough self esteem, some of us weren't loved right growing up and think this kind of devotion to people who don't deserve it IS love. We allow ourselves to be abused. Please get some therapy for yourself because you need it, like I needed it and need it still. I'm so very sorry. I know how it feels to wake up one day and see clear what you married.

 

PS - I believe you when you say you're good looking. So am I. So are many people whose spouses cheat on them. How you look and what you do or don't do to please them really doesn't have much to do with why they cheat. They are sick in their souls. Don't start looking in the mirror and thinking it's you because it isn't.

[TMCM]

High and Low,

 

This is a very tough one because your situation is very reminiscent of my first marriage. My serial cheating ex-W behavior was so toxic and over the top that I had to admit that there was no chance to help her without me and our daughters getting dragged down with her. But unlike my ex-W, your W seems to want to change and become a faithful W to you.

 

I'm not going to tell you what to do but I will advice you to think very seriously about the issues that the other posters made to you. But if you do choose to stay married to her, you would be wise to do so under deal breaking conditions that would prove once and for all her sincerity in wanting to save/rebuild the marriage. Conditions like:

 

 

1. Forever ending all ties with her 30 something friend and her sons, and writting a NC [no contact] letter to them with you mailing it. This cannot be stressed too much for until NC is implemented, all marital recovery efforts will be for nothing.

 

2. Becoming a totally transparent and accountable spouse to you 24/7 [this applies to you as well]. No hiding phone bills or establishing secret and password protected e-mail accounts.

 

3. Going to IC [individual counseling] to help resolve the issues brought by her childhood sexual abuse. You may also benefit by going to one if you feel that you are loosing control of your emotions and becoming emotionally abusive to her.

 

4. Informing 'friends' that knew about her affairs that their silence enabled her affairs, and was tantamount to an endorsement of her destructive behavior. Also inform them that their moral cowardice proves that they are NO friends to the two of you.

 

You are NOT trying to control her with these conditions but you will be conveying to her that you will no longer be her doormat and that if she doesn't agree to them, that you will rebuild your life without her. She also has to be made aware that these conditions will benefit her as well for they will help establish a new pattern of behavior for her that is totally opposite of the one she's had for years.

 

You have a lot to think about so make sure that when you do come to a decision, it is one that you can live with no matter what the outcome will be.

 

 

TMCM

[westernxer]

Laid back is one thing, but you've taken it to a whole new level.

 

Ever consider a separation? You need some time alone, that much is certain.

 

It's one thing to work with victims/offenders, quite another to be married to one of them.

 

Never marry your work, especially you.

[PilkeyL]

1. I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing.

2. It's normal for you to be "bruce banner/the hulk". You love her, you hate her. You really hate the other men. (Think how much she must hate herself to do what she's done. She has no self-love at all. How can she possibly love you, or anyone else?).

3. Do not try to get revenge. In keeping the others down, you have to stay down with them. You are worth more than that.

4. Unless she can COMMITT to serious counseling, I would suggest you leave now. Before she gives you an STD. (In fact, if you ARE still intimate w/her, USE PROTECTION until you know she can be trusted).

5. Do not cheat to get back at her. It won't make her feel anything and you will just feel like crap.

6. Maybe, if counseling cannot be considered, you should see a lawyer. You have what sound like very good grounds for gaining full custoday of your child, as well as most of your belongings (home, car, etc). You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served.

 

I really hope things work out in your (and your child's best interests)...

[Marshbear]

The thing that really stands out to me is the action that she plotted with her lover to divorce you and get your house. This is not someone who has your interests at heart. I would seriously consider a separation and see ( over time ) how she conducts herself. If she continues to see the friend and you don't see major changes in behavior from her then you need to get out. Counseling might help of she is willing but I don't know if she loves you enough to make it happen.

I know that is a hard statement but if you search your soul and analyze all that has happened then I think you will come to the same conclusion.

 

Peace...

[High and Low]

Thank you all for your advice, encouragement, etc. Nothings really changed the last couple days. She has asked me to go her next counseling session with her next week, but I can't really decide if i want to go or not. I'm considering making a move for a trial seperation on my terms, but there are so many other intangibles to consider. We would both have to somehow try and make drastic changes with our work schedules, we have no left to sit our baby, we would have to sell the house, etc. She is being so good to me now (like i can fully believe her intentions) and it feels good when i can return the feeling. Do the memories of the past ever get any easier to deal with?

Bryan P

"She has sex with her lover in your home in your bed with your baby in the same room and then puts your baby between them in bed."

She actually had sex in our home on the basement floor, when they slept in the same bed in the hotel room, the baby was by her side and not between them, not that this really makes things any better. I just wanted to get the story straight. She has been telling me that i need to talk to more people who have been through this, so I'm considering telling her to sit down and read all of this and see how she responds.

[westernxer]

Do a trial separation and go to counseling at the same time.

 

I have a feeling you'll regret it by taking this lightly.

[jmargel]

Show her this post and let her respond to it. Counseling will only do you good. The counselor will NOT tell you to either stay in the marriage or leave. What they will do is lay the situation out in a better angle so that you can make a more clearer decision. It will also help you deal with the hurt that has happened to you. There is nothing to lose by going, I would HIGHLY recommend it.

 

Space and time itself WON'T solve any issues. Most marriages fall apart due to communication issues, so how can you solve these when you won't even be talking to her?

 

I would go with her to her next session. That doesn't mean you have to stay with her.