I sent the letter

[smile]

Ok so I posted here a while ago about a letter I was thinking of sending. I waited a few days as suggested and even made certain cuts here and there. But on Saturday I sent the damn thing.

 

After our discussion on wed I realized something, I still have no real idea whats going on. The only thing I have become certain of is that he is so mixed up. About how he feels about me, about what he wants from me. He said that all of his relationships right now are superficial. I said I knew that.

 

It finally got to the point where I was telling him that I knew him better than he wanted to admit. We both cried a lot but he would say things and then contradict himself. The only constants were that he never felt the spark with anyone that he felt with me and that he still has serious unresolved issues about his mom. He said I am the only real relationship he has.. the only person he feels connected to. But he cant give me what i want.. or rather what he thinks i want from him.

 

He cant (wont?) understand that I can love him without getting anything from him. I tried to explain that even if I go away and we never speak again I will always love him. He says that isnt love... its just an inability to let go. And that he feels it too...

 

So I came home and stewed a bit and sent the letter. Except I took out the parts you suggested universe and i added a few bits. I told him that we had a special bond and i didnt want it to go away.. i was willing to go where it takes us... but i need time. I said if he wants me to let go then we need to be apart for a while. Not too long just a couple of weeks so I can get my bearings here.

 

I also said I know he is mixed up but i am one of the few constants in his life and i think i deserve to ask why. I then said maybe we could still go to disneyland together and use the drive to have a nice honest communication about everything, with clear heads. But if he didnt want to go with me anymore i would understand.

 

You guys I am so in love with him and it breaks my heart to see him doing things that dont make him happy. He totally admits that he is more comfortable , and safe, being unhappy. He says he doesnt care... and then says he acts like he doesnt care but he does.

 

We sat in the dark on the side of the road and talked for 2 hours. We were so connected you know? And when it was time to go he held me so long, and kissed me on the forehead. I need to be away from him for a while so i can stop being mixed up by that kinda stuff. And maybe he will be less mixed up too... altho i cant count on that.

 

I see the disney trip as one of two things. It will either be the begining of something or the end of it all. But if we still go I plan to have tons of fun with him...

 

I feel ready to let go.

[zack121]

let us know what happens