Am I being too sensitive or is this something I should bring up.

[Stuffandthings]

Hi, this is my first post and probably one of many. I have been with my partner for the last two years. There are many aspects of the relationship that I am very happy with and some others that we are both working on. We are also considering working toward an open relationship in the not too distant future. Starting off with casual dating(sex/meet ups) and we will see how we go from there.

One of the issues I'm facing is that my partner is not the most sensitive of guys. One way we are working toward this open relationship is by being more open with each other about everything and anything. I find this hard with somethings as I'm a very sensitive person and sometimes I don't know if I am being overly sensitive about something and would be bringing a silly nothing up instead of just getting over it. This is one of those instances where I'm not too sure...

 

Last night we were scrolling through fetlife adding some new female friends that we both liked that I can start up some conversations and possible hook ups with and we were both commenting on what we liked about them. It was fun and weirdly enough was a bit of a bonding experience. We then clicked on a profile of a girl that was VERY attractive and I commented on how amazing I thought she looked. My partner told me that he liked how I liked it that I thought she was hot and then told me that he also thought she was pretty amazing. He then turned to me and said "I just don't know what I would have to offer a girl that beautiful".

At first I just turned around and said to him "What!? You are hot, sexy and you have a huge penis. You have a ****load to offer!".

I then thought about it for a sec and realised that it didn't actually make me feel to crap hot to realise that to him I'm just average.

So I said to him "What about me then?"

He just replied with "Don't make this about you."

 

We were both drunk and stoned at the time and I was happy with the fact he felt open enough to share his thoughts on how he felt. I have just put it down to the fact that he just didn't think before he spoke. I was quiet for a bit but then I snapped out of it and we ended up having a great night. This morning he asked if I was ok because I was a little bit quiet last night. I told him I was ok and that something he had said had hurt me a little but that I knew he didn't mean to hurt me and that I was over it. He said he couldn't remember what he said but we decided not to talk about it as I was just about to drop him to the airport for an interstate trip for a few days.

He sent me this text from the airport...

 

sorry if I said something last night I'm sure I'll remember and punish myself. I'm glad whatever it was, we got past it? x

 

Should I bring this up when he gets home or just get over it. I actually don't feel that crap about it anymore but I want us to be open about stuff if we are going to do this open relationship thing but I find this like this pop up every now and then and I'm just trying to work out if this is something we have to work on or I have to work on.

 

Thank you for listening to my bable

[hippychick3]

Hmm, well let me put it this way.... I would feel very insulted and hurt by what he said whether drunk, high, or sober. However, I also am not the type of person that would ever ever in a million years be okay with an open relationship. So, I'm not sure my opinion counts

 

I do forsee future problems of jealousy and insecurity for you if you do pursue an open relationship...

[Gloria25]

I just cannot get the mentality of poly and/or swingers - which appears to be:

 

'We need to be allowed to date others (open RL), so that we can stay together'

 

Does that make "any" sense at all?

[Stuffandthings]

Thanks for your incite hippychick3, the jealousy and insecurity is something we are working on.

 

Gloria, thank you for your response, I can't answer for everybody but I just feel that monogamy just doesn't seem to work for many of the relationships I have had. It's not human nature and with how easy it is this day and age to meet new people and connect with new people it just seems silly to think you will. E content with that one person for the rest of your/their life. When it comes down to it it's not because I need my partner to date other people it's because I love them and want them to have the option to do so.

[elaine567]

If you are getting "sensitive" and jealous about the things he SAID here, how on earth are you going to get over the things he DID when you eventually do go "open"?

 

Big difference in not believing in monogamy and living a non-monogamous lifestyle as an individual, and having an "open" relationship.

 

Were you cheated on in the past?

Is that why you want to give free reign to this man as an attempt to keep him with you?

[Els]

I think it would be difficult for most of us to help you because the dynamics of an open relationship, especially re: jealousy, are very different from the dynamics of a monogamous one. Most of us are not in open Rs and have zero desire to be in one, so it's hard to relate.

 

Personally I would reconsider a R if I knew my partner was taking that line of thought seriously. But that's a monogamous R, I think in an open R you need to be less jealous.

[Stuffandthings]

Thank you for your replies everyone. I should explain that this specific issue is not a jealousy issue. I guess the reason it hurt was because it just felt like he might as well of said that I was average so he doesn't even have to worry what he has to offer me. I suppose it doesn't seem right to me that you should ever make your partner feel "average".

 

I have not been cheated on in the past but I have cheated on someone with a woman and when that relationship ended(for other reasons) it made me realize that perhaps I needed a different kind of arrangement than what I had previously experienced.

I met my current partner who's last relationship had been 10 years with 5 of those years dating someone else in secret. He was upfront and honest about this with me from the beginning and was also looking for a different kind of relationship. We both went into the relationship knowing where we wanted it to go but wanted to get to know each other first.

In regards to how I would react in the actual case of my partner going and sleeping with someone else, we have tried it. I told him to give it a go while he was away on business and he did. The experience in itself was fine, I had no issue with the sex, or the fact he was with someone else. Because I am new to this and he was new to the honesty side of it we made some boundaries and discussed how we felt about it all. I told him that because this was a new thing that I need lots of love, care, patience, sensitivity toward my feelings and reassurance of his feelings for me. Unfortunately he wasn't too crash hot in the sensitivity, love and reassurance side of things. We talked about it though and it was simply because this whole being open and honest was freaking him out a bit.

This is why I am asking the question of whether I should bring up this small issue when he gets home.

I hope this makes the situation a little more clear.

[basil67]

If you need reassurance, then I'd guess that you're not cut out for an open relationship. This type of lifestyle is for those who have sufficient self confidence to not doubt themselves even if their partner is with others.

 

Not that there's anything wrong with not being cut out for an open relationship.....

[Stuffandthings]

Thank you for your reply Basil but the reassurance is for our relationship and not for myself. If I wasn't confident in myself I wouldn't even bother but as a newbie to all of this and as it is a new thing for my relationship there are certain things I need to feel secure in the relationship. I think a lot of people will agree with me that to begin with it may not be easy but with work and patience it's possible. Not everyone is born to take on an open relationship straight off the bat. I have been reading "The Ethical Slut" and they make quite a huge point of the fact that each party needs support. This quote from the book sums it up nicely...

 

Most of us need some support in asking for what we want. When we are involved in making agreements, we need to feel sure that the needs we reveal will not be held against us. Most of us feel pretty vulnerable in and around our emotional limits, so it’s important to recognize that these limits are valid: “I need to feel loved,” “I need to feel that I’m important to you,” “I need to know that you find me attractive,” “I need you to listen and care about me when I feel hurt.

 

Dossie Easton, The Ethical Slut : A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures

[elaine567]

This is why I am asking the question of whether I should bring up this small issue when he gets home.

 

I think you probably should, as keeping things that hurt you a secret, is only going to lead to you being more hurt.

If "he wasn't too crash hot in the sensitivity, love and reassurance side of things." after his "dalliance", then you need to educate him to take your feelings into consideration.

You cannot "open" up your relationship, if you end up feeling horrible most of the time, due to his lack of sensitivity for your feelings, whenever he exercises his right to sleep with other people.

He may just be a simple soul whose need for some "extra" is being fulfilled and he has finally found a woman to put up with all that, but I am guessing you require more from this relationship than just the two of you being allowed to sleep with other people.

He may or may not be able to do that for you, I do not know.

[joseb]

I admit when I read it first I didn't know what he said to annoy you! I guess you are assuming he doesn't think you are good looking? I would not have taken it that way personally. I know there are millions of guys much better looking than me, and I wouldn't get jealous about something like that.

 

I think you are kidding yourself if you think an open relationshio is going to work for you. I am pretty thick skinned these days, but I struggled and failed at the open relationship thing.

Edited May 1, 2016 by joseb

[RedPurpleOrange]

Ooooooh. 'Open'. Not for me, and I hear so many horror stories from people who've tried it. Had a friend who tried it (his idea), he hated it, his wife ended up loving it. They're not together anymore.

 

 

I think if you're getting sensitive over stuff then you're gonna get even more hurt when your other half is ploughing someone else.

 

 

And maybe vice versa. Sounds exciting to begin with...

 

 

...but grim reality has a habit of entering the fray at some point down the line.

Edited May 1, 2016 by RedPurpleOrange