My ex wanted me for 15 months, now its me

[Dell Monitor]

This is not the usual ex-girlfriend-post or maybe it is:

 

- 1.5 years ago I met my ex. It was the wildest thing, we were together every day for three months. Had so much fun, fecked all the time, met each others family/friends etc. Then I start having commitment issues, like I use to get in all relationships. When that starts to occur, its like, theres is nothing to do, so 3 weeks after, I left. I know it sounds silly.

 

- She broke down (I found out later), she was really in love with me. 2 months after, in the meantime we hadnt spoke a single word, we are meeting randomly at the street and the same day, we are kissing and making out

again. She really wants me, telling me reallt often, how much she wants me and thats I know need to take the step further. I was afraid to take the next step (knowing that it went bad the first time). This went on for 4 months, I was hesitant to introduce her to my family/friends, but met some of hers. One day she said: Why am I not going with you to your friends. I said, because we are not boyfriend/girlfriend. She broke down because, she taught we where and she was crazy in love with me. It sat the relationship on break for 3 months.

 

- The january 2016 we met again and start seeing each other again. At that time I started with a psych, to talk about life issues (the girls doesnt now). It was clear to the psych that I had commitment issues and fear of being in something not 100% perfect. I still didnt told the girl about this, but I was thinking a lot about it.

 

- So we were seeing again following the usual pattern. She wanted me, but I was still holding back. Often she was saying: "We have to move all in or we cant do this", but there wasnt any conseqences, when I didnt. But at some point we were seeing each other a bit less (like once a week), but still very passionate, when we did.

 

- 2 months ago she told me, that she found a new guy and if I wanted 100% (relationship), I had to go now, so she could tell the new guy, that it wouldnt work with him. I hesitated again and we still met and did all things.

 

- 3 weeks ago. We had a date, but she cancelled it the very same day telling me, that she needed time to think, whats was right to her. First I said, cool ok, but then I began to think (with the conversations with my psych in mind) and start to realizing, that she was the best girl and I was a fool not taking the final step.

 

- I texted (bad, I know, should have went to her door) telling her the things, I could see and how I would change, and it should be her and I. She answerred she was really happy about me wanting to change, but she had been hurt so many times with me and she wasnt sure, I really wanted to change these things now, so she needed more time.

 

- The I did all the needy stupid things. Texting her a lot about it and even wrote a letter. It wasnt like 1000 messages or anything, but basically it was 5-8 and her answering, that she was happy I wanted to change, but she wasnt sure, she could thrust it.

 

- One week ago she answerred, that she was with the new guy (the guy that she earlier wanted to leave for me), so "for now it was a bit to late to some degree". Boom. I said I was sad about it and if she wanted meet for coffee. Tried calling her.

 

- Then she texted me, that she wanted "her and I" out of her life and not contact her again, since it made too much noise in her new relationship. I respected that and deleted her on every platform (fb, text, insta etc.).

 

- Now one week after, Im feeling really sad. Sad that I didnt took up to her door in the first place and telling her the things. I chose the easy route with the text messages (she even told me several times in the days we were together, that she thinks texts was the easy way and I should man up sometimes and stand in front of her door with flowers saying I want her.

 

- Right now I have no contact with her for a week and I wont get it, since I deleted her on all platforms. And we now live a bit apart, so we will definately not meet ever.

 

- I really want her. Should I wait two weeks, then go to her, telling her that I want her (letting her see, I mean it)? Its like my only choice, since we are not in contact and before she moves further on with the new and forgets about me. Im 100% sure that if she could believe what I said (she would chose me). But Ive been and ******* eho couldnt commit a numberous of times.

 

Im really confident and a good "performer", so its not like I would go and be an excuse for myself.

 

- Hit me

[ExpatInItaly]

It's over, man.

 

She was clear she doesn't want ant contact from you. Don't go to her in two weeks. It's a waste of time and will only irritate her.

 

Take it from another woman - when we lose feelings and make up our minds to date someone else. you really are too late.

She won't forget about you but her heart is with someone else now. Try to learn from this and move on.

[Dell Monitor]

It's over, man.

 

She was clear she doesn't want ant contact from you. Don't go to her in two weeks. It's a waste of time and will only irritate her.

 

Take it from another woman - when we lose feelings and make up our minds to date someone else. you really are too late.

She won't forget about you but her heart is with someone else now. Try to learn from this and move on.

 

Thanks even though, I dont like to hear it

 

Well she was very much in doubt and in the beginning with me even begged me to go all in with her. She wanted to cut contact, because she felt she couldnt move along with me in her mind.

 

Why not show her for once, that I care and wants to make an effort instaed of hiding behind either lack of commitment or lately text messages? What can I lose?

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks even though, I dont like to hear it

 

Well she was very much in doubt and in the beginning with me even begged me to go all in with her. She wanted to cut contact, because she felt she couldnt move along with me in her mind.

 

Why not show her for once, that I care and wants to make an effort instaed of hiding behind either lack of commitment or lately text messages? What can I lose?

 

Because she's asked you not to. She doesn't want to hear from you.

 

Try to respect her wishes.

[Dell Monitor]

Because she's asked you not to. She doesn't want to hear from you.

 

Try to respect her wishes.

 

True and thanks.

 

We were just so right for each other (not my narcissitic words, but her words in all out periods and mine in the first three months and now).

 

Do you feel, I shouldnt follow my chance for showing her, that Im

there right now and wants to be with her the rest of her life? What if she actually would become happy seeing me in like two weeks, showing I really want her and not the usual bull****?

[Dell Monitor]

I havnt really fought for anything before regarding women (it came all to easy), but this time its different (not because she is "impossible", since a lot of girls broke up with me). Its different because I want her, she is the love of life and I really wanna change with her.

 

I feel like I at least have to do something about such an important topic. Thats why I wants to make a single effort in a couple of weeks.

[Buddhist]

This is just so laden with drama and you turning up again with more drama isn't going to change a thing. The girl waited for you for over a year, no wonder she walked. Theres comes a point at which she just has to move on and forget you. She's reached it.

[Dell Monitor]

Thanks. But to me it would be very stupid to give up on something, even when theres a little chance.

 

And its not the usual "get-ur-ex-back" since she was after me for over a year, so I think chances are better.

 

I seriously dont understand the attitude "dont do it, your chances are slim". Its like not living after "your missing all the shots you dont take".

 

And thank you very much for taking time, I really appreciate it, even when you dont agree with me.

[mikeylo]

Give it another so you don't live in regret but be prepared that it may not work on your favor.

[Dell Monitor]

Give it another so you don't live in regret but be prepared that it may not work on your favor.

 

Yeah, thats whats my friend told me. I will do it and if I get her back, I will be nice to her and commit (without being a puppy). How would you do it? Wait a couple of weeks and then go seeing her?

[katiegrl]

Because she's asked you not to. She doesn't want to hear from you.

 

Try to respect her wishes.

 

Not only that, but there is a very strong possibility that even if she does take you back, in a few weeks time, your commitment issues will pop again (they always do), and the same shyt will go down again. Leaving her hurt and devastated just like all the other times.

 

You have commitment issues. I am sure your therapist told you that they surface when a woman falls in love with you and has expectations of a *relationship*. A close relationship. Complete with expectations and responsibilities.

 

The reason why YOU want her now is because she is apparently not in love with you anymore, wants nothing from you and has found a new guy.

 

Thus, there is no pressure. No expectation, no responsibility, all the things that trigger commitment fears popping up.

 

How have you changed exactly? Have you overcome your issues? Again you may think you have because you have all these feelings for her now.

 

But like I said that's only because she is gone and wants nothing from you. The pressure is over! With all that gone, your heart is free to open up, to miss her and love her.

 

It takes YEARS to overcome commitment fears.

 

If you care about this woman at all, which you say you do, leave her alone and allow her to be happy with a man without these issues who can give her what she wants and needs.

 

Continue with your therapist ... work through your issues so this doesn't happen again.

 

Best of luck..

Edited May 1, 2016 by katiegrl

[Dell Monitor]

Not only that, but there is a very strong possibility that even if she does take you back, in a few weeks time, your commitment issues will pop again (they always do), and the same shyt will go down again. Leaving her hurt and devastated just like all the other times.

 

You have commitment issues. I am sure your therapist told you that they surface when a woman falls in love with you and has expectations of a *relationship*. A close relationship. Complete with expectations and responsibilities.

 

The reason why YOU want her now is because she is apparently not in love with you anymore, wants nothing from you and has found a new guy.

 

Thus, there is no pressure. No expectation, no responsibility, all the things that trigger commitment fears popping up.

 

How have you changed exactly? Have you overcome your issues? Again you may think you have because you have all these feelings for her now.

 

But like I said that's only because she is gone and wants nothing from you. The pressure is over! With all that gone, your heart is free to open up, to miss her and love her.

 

It takes YEARS to overcome commitment fears.

 

If you care about this woman at all, which you say you do, leave her alone and allow her to be happy with a man without these issues who can give her what she wants and needs.

 

Continue with your therapist ... work through your issues so this doesn't happen again.

 

Best of luck..

 

Hey Katie.

 

Thanks a lot for your answer, which I can really use. No, I havnt changed completely, but rather in the middle of a process, trying to get from my old

anti-committer to my new be-happy-in-the-moment.

 

I really enjoyed the days with her, we had so mich fun, went out, did vacations and all that, so it wasnt just random "bed time".

 

My work with these issues is still going on with my teraphist and yes, I wanna commit with this girl, because she is the best in the world

and continously work with her and I and be another and much better boyfriend than I was before (except first three months where I loved her and was 100% commited).

 

For now I will think about it for the next 2-3 weeks and if I still feel the same, I will try reaching her in some way. Do you still think thats bad.

[katiegrl]

Hey Katie.

 

Thanks a lot for your answer, which I can really use. No, I havnt changed completely, but rather in the middle of a process, trying to get from my old

anti-committer to my new be-happy-in-the-moment.

 

I really enjoyed the days with her, we had so mich fun, went out, did vacations and all that, so it wasnt just random "bed time".

 

My work with these issues is still going on with my teraphist and yes, I wanna commit with this girl, because she is the best in the world

and continously work with her and I and be another and much better boyfriend than I was before (except first three months where I loved her and was 100% commited).

 

For now I will think about it for the next 2-3 weeks and if I still feel the same, I will try reaching her in some way. Do you still think thats bad.

 

Actually yes I do think it's bad, sorry.

 

It is selfish .... you are not considering her feelings, how your issues have impacted her. Hurt and devastated her for the past year and a half.

 

You are only thinking about what you want, so yes that is bad IMO.

 

I know a lot about commitment *phobia* ... have read books, studied it.

 

Two of my brothers with whom I am very close suffer from these same exact issues and fears.

 

You still have a lot of work to do.

 

You may not think so now because you have all these feelings, but can almost guarantee that if she took you back, in time you will feel that same pressure again, and the same shyt that has gone down previously, in ALL your relationships, will go down again.

 

Do you really want to take that chance? Of hurting and devastating her once again due to your own fears resurfacing again when you start feeling boxed in and suffocated, bored, unchallenged, or whatever it was you felt all those times when she wanted you but you didn't want her? Or didn't know if you wanted her?

 

She is happy now! Don't you want that for her?

 

Leave her alone and continue working to find out why you have these issues, where they come from and then taking steps to resolve them.

 

Calling this girl, attempting to get back together is the worst thing to do.

 

She is happy now, moved on.

 

Leave her alone.

Edited May 1, 2016 by katiegrl

[Dell Monitor]

Actually yes I do think it's bad, sorry.

 

It is selfish .... you are not considering her feelings, how your issues have impacted her. Hurt and devastated her for the past year and a half.

 

You are only thinking about what you want, so yes that is bad IMO.

 

I know a lot about commitment *phobia* ... have read books, studied it.

 

Two of my brothers with whom I am very close suffer from these same exact issurs and fears.

 

You still have a lot of work to do.

 

You may not think so now because you have all these feelings, but can almost guarantee that if she took you back, in time you will feel that same pressure again, and the same shyt that has gone down previously, in ALL your relationships, will go down again.

 

Do you really want to take that chance? Of hurting and devastating her once again due to your own fears resurfacing again when you start feeling boxed in and suffocated, bored, unchallenged, or whatever it was you felt all those times when she wanted you but you didn't want her? Or didn't know if you wanted her?

 

She is happy now! Don't you want that for her?

 

Leave her alone and continue working to find out why you have these issues, where they come from and then taking steps to resolve them.

 

Calling this girl, attempting to get back together is the worst thing to do.

 

She is happy now, moved on.

 

Leave her alone.

 

Its really difficult.

 

On the one hand I feel like she would be very happy now with me and that things wouldnt be the same now, since I would make a big effort.

 

On the other hand, yes youre right. She decided to move on after trying for 1.5 years, crying several times about me not wanting her "enough". And now I want to take her one more time with the risk of that doesnt end well either. I justify that with that she cannot be that happy with him, since she said, that she wanted to go allin with me and that she so much in doubt. Selfish, youre right. Maybe a bit narcissitic when I feel like she would be happier with me.

 

Meh I really dont know. Think its difficult

[mikeylo]

It's going to be a risk, both for her and you but believe me when I say, the best of commitment phobes commit when the right one comes along. They change and commit because they want to. It happens everyday! Not cast in stone that a CP is destined to be forver alone or a player or miserable.

 

Labeling oneself and others with a lifelong issue of mental health problem or therapy is like ostracizing them ! Duh

[Dell Monitor]

It's going to be a risk, both for her and you but believe me when I say, the best of commitment phobes commit when the right one comes along. They change and commit because they want to. It happens everyday! Not cast in stone that a CP is destined to be forver alone or a player or miserable.

 

Labeling oneself and others with a lifelong issue of mental health problem or therapy is like ostracizing them ! Duh

 

True, I dont see myself sick or anything, but I know have issues (like others) to work with. But im not egocentric or narcissitic.

 

Anyway I really have to think this through and be clearminded. I feel like if I want her (and knowing for sure, I will treat her well for the rest of the life), when I think clear, I need to go for it. I know someone will say its selfish and theh might be right so some degree, but Im really not good at letting go, if I 100% want something.

[mikeylo]

It's not selfish to want someone with whom you can see yourself growing old ! It would be selfish to hurt intentionally, like because of your issues , blaming them for reacting ! There is nothing wrong in owning up your issues and taking them in confidence and when your issues arise ( and they will , till your relationship has gained solid foundation ), to avoid misunderstandings and heartache.

 

Read another thread about abomdenment issues. The girl is not 'sick ' or ' broken' , just an issue that people overcome with time. Everyone has issues. No one on this earth is without them.

 

Yeah, but dont jump in once you are sure otherwise you will inflict more pain on yourself than her !

[Dell Monitor]

It's not selfish to want someone with whom you can see yourself growing old ! It would be selfish to hurt intentionally, like because of your issues , blaming them for reacting ! There is nothing wrong in owning up your issues and taking them in confidence and when your issues arise ( and they will , till your relationship has gained solid foundation ), to avoid misunderstandings and heartache.

 

Read another thread about abomdenment issues. The girl is not 'sick ' or ' broken' , just an issue that people overcome with time. Everyone has issues. No one on this earth is without them.

 

Yeah, but dont jump in once you are sure otherwise you will inflict more pain on yourself than her !

 

What do you think the time frame should be? I mean I ofc have to be 100% clearminded, but after that? 2-3 weeks? 1 month? A year?

 

And what should I do? Text messages has been tried already and she dont really feel I will commit.

 

Maybe I come to the conclusion, I dont go back (thats still possible).

[Art_Critic]

She asked for NC because she is involved with another person and you trying to get her back was creating noise in her budding relationship.

 

What is different is that she has someone else.. you have to leave her alone and move on or you will piss her off and push her further away..

 

If you contact her after she to NOT contact her then you will be met with more resistance and she might even have the new BF to deal with you.

 

Sorry, but this is one of those times you listen to her and move on.

[mikeylo]

What do you think the time frame should be? I mean I ofc have to be 100% clearminded, but after that? 2-3 weeks? 1 month? A year?

 

And what should I do? Text messages has been tried already and she dont really feel I will commit.

 

Maybe I come to the conclusion, I dont go back (thats still possible).

 

When you are 100% sure. Time frame is upto you. Text messages mean nothing. It's your actions and words together that will work. A relationship takes nurturing every single day , moment of the day but it becomes easy when you are in 100%

[Dell Monitor]

She asked for NC because she is involved with another person and you trying to get her back was creating noise in her budding relationship.

 

What is different is that she has someone else.. you have to leave her alone and move on or you will piss her off and push her further away..

 

If you contact her after she to NOT contact her then you will be met with more resistance and she might even have the new BF to deal with you.

 

Sorry, but this is one of those times you listen to her and move on.

 

Aight, I hear you, but there is a big possibility, that she left me cause of she didnt feel she could thrust me and she now got rebound, that is safe, secucre and treat her good. She even slept and dated me, while she was with him in the beginning, telling me to come with her, then she would skip him.

 

So yes, youre absolutely right, but she might very well asked me to not contact her, because she wants the feelings to go away for a man, who dissapointed her several times and hasnt committed yet.

 

Or else she did it because, she is 100% done with me.

 

If its the first, wouldnt be sad, if I didnt go for the chance? And the problem of pushing her further away, I dont see it. I have nothing to lose, I dont have her, so whats the problem with pushing her further away (if thats involver a chance to get her back)?

 

I would of course only do it, if I want her and know that I want to be with her permantly.

 

Its not to offend you, Im just trying to think all the possibilities through.

Edited May 1, 2016 by Dell Monitor

[Dell Monitor]

When you are 100% sure. Time frame is upto you. Text messages mean nothing. It's your actions and words together that will work. A relationship takes nurturing every single day , moment of the day but it becomes easy when you are in 100%

 

Yeah, she actually told me several times, when we saw each other, that she wished, I would one day stand at her door with flowers telling her, I was ready. I know this is some kind of another situation, since she is with a new one, but still (and I would never bring flowers along in this situation).

[Versacehottie]

Yeah, thats whats my friend told me. I will do it and if I get her back, I will be nice to her and commit (without being a puppy). How would you do it? Wait a couple of weeks and then go seeing her?

 

I agree that your commitment issues sound like they are going to keep popping up. See bolded above. That's the first sign, if you read between the lines. I think you say something similar in another post on this thread.

 

I don't really have any advice. Well I would probably try after a bit when you really have some changes to show for yourself. (as unfair or fair as it is). BTW, you are completely at groveling or put it all on the line stage so you need to be a bit of a puppy. That line itself tells me you are going to hold back again at some point in the near future. If there ever was a time to be vulnerable with her, it's now. But you have to mean it and back it up, no more false promises. That's why I think you should wait until you really have it together. In the time frame you are talking about right now, it's just your emotions of losing something, not necessarily being ready to be with her. Good luck

[Photofinish]

Leave her alone.

 

She chased you for over a year and finally found someone to respect and love her. Let him and move on.

[Dell Monitor]

Leave her alone.

 

She chased you for over a year and finally found someone to respect and love her. Let him and move on.

 

I agree, I have to really think it through and be sure, that Im not affected by this situation and that she is "impossible".