My ex wanted me for 15 months, now its me

[Dell Monitor]

I think you're showing a fundamental disrespect for her by contacting her while she is in a committed, monogamous relationship when she has explicitly asked you not to contact her. You had no problem ending the relationship when you weren't feeling it, and you were within your rights to do so, but now that you're second guessing yourself, you have no problem disregarding her wishes and trying to insert yourself back into her life when she in no uncertain terms told you not to. It all seems very selfish...you want to do everything on your timetable, and you seem to have no regard for the fact that she does not want it.

 

Part of being an adult is realizing you don't always get what you want and choosing to make the choice that is mature and healthy (if painful) rather than the path of immediate gratification. You're going to have regrets in life...that doesn't mean you should turn a lot of people's lives upside down in an attempt to try and undo them.

 

She's already given you her answer. She chose the other guy. Continuing to reach out is going to cross the line from annoying to creepy very soon. If she rejects you a second time, will you finally let it go? Where does it end?

 

Maybe she'll break up with this guy down the road, and maybe she'll give you a second chance, but reaching out to her now, going against her clearly-stated wishes just because it makes you feel better, is disrespectful.

 

How do you think, I turn peoples lives upsids down? If I do it and she wants me back, then shes happy (cause shes getting what she wants) and hes not (but I dont think its my responsibility). If she doesnt want me back, shes happy (cause shes getting what she wants) and hes happy. So I dont really see, what I turn upside down?

 

I believe, when it comes to love, you have to show and do, what you feel. Im not doing anything illegal, which you try to make it sound like. Of course after that, I cant do thing more and have to move on, whatever she chose. But then I can tell myself, I took the shot insead of regretting it the rest of my life.

 

I wont ever do it, if Im not 100% sure, I will stay with her. Therefore I need to think, before I do anything.

[deadparrot]

When you're in a relationship, you don't want your (or your SO's) ex interfering in your lives. It keeps everyone from moving forward. Would you like it if you got your way, she came back to you, and her ex kept texting and calling constantly?

 

At the end of the day, you made your bed by ending things repeatedly, and she has entered a monogamous relationship and asked you not to contact her. The mature thing would be to respect that decision and move on with your life. If the stars align and they split and she comes back, great, but I wouldn't bet the farm on it.

 

She has rejected you once. That should be enough. Is there any reason to believe that her answer would change? Again, if you approach her a second time and she rejects you, will you continue to pester her?

 

Also, you keeps saying "if she wants me back." She does not. She has specifically told you she does not. Why do you not trust her to know her own mind and make the decision that's right for her?

Edited May 2, 2016 by deadparrot

[Dell Monitor]

When you're in a relationship, you don't want your (or your SO's) ex interfering in your lives. It keeps everyone from moving forward. Would you like it if you got your way, she came back to you, and her ex kept texting and calling constantly?

 

At the end of the day, you made your bed by ending things repeatedly, and she has entered a monogamous relationship and asked you not to contact her. The mature thing would be to respect that decision and move on with your life. If the stars align and they split and she comes back, great, but I wouldn't bet the farm on it.

 

She has rejected you once. That should be enough. Is there any reason to believe that her answer would change? Again, if you approach her a second time and she rejects you, will you continue to pester her?

 

Right now my brain could cheat me to think "Oh she was all that, I will change a bit and everything is good", which, of course, is not good, if its not how I feel.

 

One thing this has learned me, is to treat others well (I generally think I do) and not be afraid to commit (I think I will still suffer from the lack to commit for a long time, but hopefully get better every day).

 

To your question, which I in fact answered before, nope I will just stay away. But I dont think there is anything wrong in taking a shot, if its about love and you dont do anything wrong (I understand that you find it wrong, but thats up to you).

 

To your last question (edit I guess): With our history I think theres a decent chance, that she would change her mind. I know for a fact, her friend told her to move on and forget about me and the feelings for me. I believe that if I finally tell her what I want and how I feel and show up instead of hiding me behind text messages, it could work out. You got another opinion and thats fair (I believe I know her a bit better).

Edited May 2, 2016 by Dell Monitor

[Dell Monitor]

@DeadParrot

 

Actually I think its a bit silly, we are having the discussion, since I dont think, we will agree

 

I understand your point of view, if I was going to be an idiot to her (like get her back and then discard her). Which I can see, why you may think, with the history in mind.

 

I dont think, I turn peoples lives upside down. If she doesnt want me, nothing will be the result, if I show up and tell her what I want/feel.

[Simon Phoenix]

You don't seem very concerned with what she wants. You seem more concerned about what you want. She asked you to leave her be, so leave her be. That's not the answer you want to hear, but after all you've put her through already, you should be courteous to her and abide by her wishes. If she wants to communicate with you, she will. But she's told you straight out that she doesn't want to. Don't be a jerk and disregard that.

[deadparrot]

You're right, I don't know her, but you posted to a message board of strangers asking for advance. And I do know that 1) she very clearly asked you to leave her alone, and 2) you're not respecting that.

 

You seem very concerned with saying, "It couldn't hurt!" What you're really saying is it couldn't hurt you. You have no idea how it might affect other people.

 

Who knows, maybe she isn't over you. And maybe she is and she doesn't want you to bother her anymore. Regardless, she's made it clear that she wants to move on from your relationship and has asked you not to contact her as part of that process, but you continue to contemplate disregarding her wishes, and deep down, that's not the action of someone who respects her.

 

You say that if she rejects you this time, that will be that, but I don't know. She's told you once, and that's apparently not enough. If attempt #2 doesn't yield the result you want, what's stopping you from going for round 3 or 4?

 

Also, relationships fail for a reason. Yours failed on multiple occasions. After a breakup, it's easy to remember the good times, fall into the "grass is greener" trap, and forget all the issues that caused the split(s) in the first place. Based on what you've written, it seems like your fear of commitment was a large part of that, and a few weeks of therapy isn't going to make you ready for a committed, monogamous relationship, which is what she has expressed wanting on multiple occasions. Basically, it sounds like you need to do a lot of work on yourself first before you consider a relationship with her or anyone else.

 

All that said, I'm very glad you're reconsidering contacting her.

[mikeylo]

OP , go get her and keep us posted

[Dell Monitor]

OP , go get her and keep us posted

 

Haha Thanks. Right now, thats the only thing, I can thing of (@deadparrot dont worry, I will think it through the upcoming week or two).

 

 

It will be hard to approach her and say something, that can move her and believe in me. Of course its easier, when I mean it (and I will, if I do it). If you got any tips or tricks, please fire away

[despgirl]

Haha Thanks. Right now, thats the only thing, I can thing of (@deadparrot dont worry, I will think it through the upcoming week or two).

 

 

It will be hard to approach her and say something, that can move her and believe in me. Of course its easier, when I mean it (and I will, if I do it). If you got any tips or tricks, please fire away

 

As someone who also has an ex with commitment issues, and we've been back and forth for many, many years, I do not think that you will be able to commit to her in the end. Same thing happened with my ex, we got back together and a few months later he got bored/scared again and broke up with me. I took him back every friggin' time and it made my life hell. Leave her alone and work on yourself so that next time you don't mess it up with someone else. Let her be happy in her new relationship, if you love her, you would want her to be happy.

[ExpatInItaly]

Do not show up where you are not wanted or invited.

[Dell Monitor]

As someone who also has an ex with commitment issues, and we've been back and forth for many, many years, I do not think that you will be able to commit to her in the end. Same thing happened with my ex, we got back together and a few months later he got bored/scared again and broke up with me. I took him back every friggin' time and it made my life hell. Leave her alone and work on yourself so that next time you don't mess it up with someone else. Let her be happy in her new relationship, if you love her, you would want her to be happy.

 

 

Thanks for your opinion. If I ever go to her, I will not get scared again. Of course not. I dont not fool myself to think, Im over my commitment issues, but I will continously work with them.

 

 

I believe, that if she could trust me, she would go with me (she even said that directly to me 2 weeks ago), so that seems clear, that she would be happier with me, if everything would be allright. I dont know, if you read it, but she was with me, when she started with him and all along she said, she wanted me and she would finish it with him. I dont know how "happy", you think that sound?

 

 

I think the arguments go in a loop now.

[Dell Monitor]

Do not show up where you are not wanted or invited.

 

Because you think, she will be unhappy, if she gets back with me?

[ExpatInItaly]

Because you think, she will be unhappy, if she gets back with me?

 

No. Because she asked you not to contact her. Actually showing up uninvited somewhere will p*ss her right off, I can guarantee it. It will make you look plain creepy and reaffirm her decision to end it totally with you.

 

You will create a much bigger mess than you already have. You could also land yourself in hot water with authorities, if she or her boyfriend decide to report you. Show a little respect for her and don't do this.

[Dell Monitor]

No. Because she asked you not to contact her. Actually showing up uninvited somewhere will p*ss her right off, I can guarantee it. It will make you look plain creepy and reaffirm her decision to end it totally with you.

 

You will create a much bigger mess than you already have. You could also land yourself in hot water with authorities, if she or her boyfriend decide to report you. Show a little respect for her and don't do this.

 

No offense, I dont know what country you live in, but here its legal to go to another persons door and talk to them.

 

I accept, that your (and others) opinion is, that it will piss her more off, but I, and others disagree. I think it will show her some of the commitment, that I havnt showed yet. SHE DIRECTLY SAID, THAT IF SHE COULD BE SURE, I MEANT IT 100%, SHE WOULD SKIP HIM AND TAKE ME. But I think you and I strongly disagree

Edited May 3, 2016 by Dell Monitor

[mikeylo]

LS people are going to hunt you down ( from Switzerland ) if you hurt this girl

 

If she comes on LS after you hurting her , you are done for

 

So either way , you will be finished. So better option is to live and make her happy.

[Dell Monitor]

LS people are going to hunt you down ( from Switzerland ) if you hurt this girl

 

If she comes on LS after you hurting her , you are done for

 

Haha, Im sure. I will definately not hurt this girl. If I go, is it because I want an evrlasting relationship with her.

 

Do you got any tricks on how to do it?

[Keats]

Looks to me like your just continuing to be a commitment phobe.

 

Chasing hard after the love of your life - without any regard for normal boundaries or a normal sense of appropriateness.

 

What garuntee will you give her that you won't bounce? Seems to me if you want to persue this you need to do it respectfully firstly, and then you need to tie yourself down in a way you can't run away. Only thing I can think of is a legally binding document that would mean you owe her a **** load of money haha

 

But it doesn't seem attractive to any woman.

 

You obviously know she liked you and your convinced she still likes you. Sadly though you seem intent on continually to emotionally abusing her.

 

Your love had become an emotional abuse in itself.

 

And the fact that she chose someone else while she was with you should say a lot no?

 

If it says nothing to you, it's pretty clear you are still stuck in your commitment phobe patterns. Just keep helping yourself. You can always try to seduce her into cheating later on when you can at least garuntee to yourself and her that you've worked on your issues. Keep helping yourself.

[ExpatInItaly]

]No offense' date=' I dont know what country you live in, but here its legal to go to another persons door and talk to them.[/b']

 

I accept, that your (and others) opinion is, that it will piss her more off, but I, and others disagree. I think it will show her some of the commitment, that I havnt showed yet. SHE DIRECTLY SAID, THAT IF SHE COULD BE SURE, I MEANT IT 100%, SHE WOULD SKIP HIM AND TAKE ME. But I think you and I strongly disagree

 

You completely missed the point. It's not because it's illegal to go to her door. Allow me to explain, to help you better understand:

 

The point is she asked you to not contact her. If you disregard that and persist, she can keep track of unwanted contact and report that.

 

The last thing she told you, as I understood from your description, was that she wanted no further contact from you. Correct?

 

Don't give her more proof that you have problems with boundaries and maturity.

[Dell Monitor]

You completely missed the point. It's not because it's illegal to go to her door. Allow me to explain, to help you better understand:

 

The point is she asked you to not contact her. If you disregard that and persist, she can keep track of unwanted contact and report that.

 

The last thing she told you, as I understood from your description, was that she wanted no further contact from you. Correct?

 

Don't give her more proof that you have problems with boundaries and maturity.

 

 

Of course I wont go (if I decide that) to her door more than one time. There I will tell her short, how I feel and what I want. It sounds like you think Im some kind of creepy stalker, who will visit her 1000 times?

 

 

Actually my friends are splitted. Some female friends says, go for it. She will love it, whatever she feels, that now I show her, that I want her for once. They say, that will make her think and if she thrust me, she will definately contact me and we can work things out. They say, that a lot of girls love to feel, that a man want them and especially me, since it not like her feelings are gone in 3 weeks.

 

 

Then a lot of my male friends, says, "look dude, you can get a lot of very attractive girls, go for them and **** her, it will only be problems, if you are back together".

 

 

I dont think its black and white and Im amazed, that you think it is. I think you only think, that she has been sad for a year and now you hope, she will stay with him and not go back to me, when I show up. That I understand.

[Dell Monitor]

Looks to me like your just continuing to be a commitment phobe.

 

Chasing hard after the love of your life - without any regard for normal boundaries or a normal sense of appropriateness.

 

What garuntee will you give her that you won't bounce? Seems to me if you want to persue this you need to do it respectfully firstly, and then you need to tie yourself down in a way you can't run away. Only thing I can think of is a legally binding document that would mean you owe her a **** load of money haha

 

But it doesn't seem attractive to any woman.

 

You obviously know she liked you and your convinced she still likes you. Sadly though you seem intent on continually to emotionally abusing her.

 

Your love had become an emotional abuse in itself.

 

And the fact that she chose someone else while she was with you should say a lot no?

 

If it says nothing to you, it's pretty clear you are still stuck in your commitment phobe patterns. Just keep helping yourself. You can always try to seduce her into cheating later on when you can at least garuntee to yourself and her that you've worked on your issues. Keep helping yourself.

 

Hehe, I dont think its black or white, so you definately got some valid points. If I dont go now (=in 2 weeks), I will never go. Then I have to forget her completely and move on with my life

[mikeylo]

You will go and she will say yes ( only if you stop analyzing to the point that you are utilizing all your energy and have nothing left for her know what I mean ? ).

 

Look, you just need to say what you feel. Don't prepare a speach , just say what your heart says. Your life is at stake. Go now ,lol ! Aren't your friends tired of hearing you out ? Lol

[Simon Phoenix]

No offense, I dont know what country you live in, but here its legal to go to another persons door and talk to them.

 

I accept, that your (and others) opinion is, that it will piss her more off, but I, and others disagree. I think it will show her some of the commitment, that I havnt showed yet. SHE DIRECTLY SAID, THAT IF SHE COULD BE SURE, I MEANT IT 100%, SHE WOULD SKIP HIM AND TAKE ME. But I think you and I strongly disagree

 

It could be legit if she didn't tell you to not contact her and leave her alone. But since she did, going to her front door unannounced is a very disrespectful and pushy move. Don't be that guy. No one likes that guy.

[mikeylo]

So whats up?

[Dell Monitor]

So whats up?

 

I tell you as much as Im not on christmas card with Expat now

[Dell Monitor]

To make a long stort short.

 

I went to her appartment, told her how I felt. She said nothing and just starred. Then I said goodbye, she said "ok". All she said.

 

3 hours after, text: "That was a surprise, how are you?". Then it went as these things do and we are having a date tonight. Maybe not date, but well meet for a glas of something after work and talk.

 

Shes happy, Im happy and I really hope, we can talk it through and maybe get some help in getting back together.

 

This shows how dangerous it is to rely on advices on online forums. Where people like Expat meant it was 100% sure, she would run even further away. It might have ended with that, but still there was this other chance, in which Im happy I went for.

 

I dont know what will happen later, maybe she regret what she texted me the last day. Anyway, thanks for the advices (even from you Expat, Im sure you meant it well).

 

Ps. She pointed out, that she was unsure what to do at the moment (him or me), so the meeting was not a date, but more like a talk. Im sure I will do well

Edited May 6, 2016 by Dell Monitor