How to overcome an affair?

[Estrella]

I have been married for one year to a man I have know many. After we were married it came out that a year into our relationship (after we were living together) he had an affair. My biggest heart ache over this is that I repeatedly asked him for the truth regarding his relationship with this woman, and he lied to me for two years before confessing. I love him, we have come far in our ability to communicate etc.. since he has finally started to be honest about this. However, I don't trust him at all, I feel like the person that cheated on me is not the person that I knew and loved, and I worry that this "cheater/liar" is still a part of who he is.. can anyone give me any advise or tips on rebuilding trust, and moving on from this? I really do want to "get over it and move on" but I do not know where to begin, I do not have the money for a marriage counsellor, so we need to acquire the tools to work on this ourselves. Thank you

[Tony T]

Bringing back the trust is very simply a decision you have to make. It can happen NO other way. There are no pills, no therapy, no nothing. You simply have to decide that if you are going to stay in this relationship, you must completely forgive his indiscretion, let it go, and trust again. I know that may be hard to do but the directions are simple.

 

The first step in the process is realizing people are human. They are not perfect. Human beings are subject to doing things that will disappoint and hurt us. There are lots of other things he could have done that could have hurt you, maybe not as much.

 

But if you are going to stay in this marriage, you just have to delete this whole thing from your mind...never, ever bring it up again...and move on from here.

 

It's is very possible this is the only thing in your relationship he has ever lied about. Little boys learn very early that lying sometimes keeps them out of trouble. Grown men are just large little boys with big bodies...keep that in mind. He did something naughty and he lied to avoid the consequences.

 

If you feel he is sincere about his sorrow and you want to stay with him, all you can do is put this behind you and move forward.

[Tammie]

I can understand if you do not have the $ for a marriage counselor, but you do need to talk to someone. Are you involved in a church? Is it possible to try to find a group of therapists or student therapists for a low or no-fee?

 

This is a heavy burden to carry by yourself, and you probably don't want to tell your family or friends about this, unless you can find someone you trust and is impartial.

 

I think you can work through this, but you both need to work on rebuilding trust. Tony's right, if you decide whether you want to stay in the marriage, you can never bring this up again. But you will have to work through it FIRST.

 

There are lots of websites out there, helping people cope with these sorts of things. Do a search on 'infidelity' or try the 'about.com' site.

 

It's very sad, and I feel for you, but at least he told you. Some people keep these secrets forever, so he must have felt bad for doing it. Plus, you two must have loved each other very much to get married in the first place.

 

Also, keep in mind that men and women have affairs for different reasons. In general, men can have sexual affairs with no emotional connection.

 

Good luck.

 

PS. That woman better be out of both your lives for good, or it will become a problem later.