Getting passion back for BH

[Can't let go]

Thank you for that advice. I have already started a list of all the negatives. I'm not very good at that but I'm slowly building it. For every fault, I tend to think of an excuse for that and why it's really not that bad. That's just my nature. Not just with MM, but with everyone in my life. I am going to do it though. I think it will be helpful to look back on when I feel the urge to contact him.

[Can't let go]

My BH doesn't know about my affair. I love him but I want to get some of that passion back. I know this is a common problem after being M for a long time. We have S at least a couple of times a week. My BH is very attractive. More attractive than my AP. But the passion is gone almost completely.

Since there was so much passion for my AP, I was happier and that flowed over to my sexlife with my BH. I want to make sure I keep that alive with my BH, now that I've ended my A. Just ended it in the past few days. I know that sounds Very warped. But I didn't have S with my AP too often. We would only see each other about every 6 weeks to 2 months.

Any advice on making my BH the focus of my passion?

[Friskyone4u]

The reason you can't get the passion back is because you are still leading a double life. You husband , or any BH, has NO CHANCE in winning the comparison that is in your mind with your OM. The affair sex is new, exciting, anticipated, naughty, illicit , and anticipated with the planning and deception.

 

No husband can win that game. You are still in your "fog". And you are still cheating on your husband because he has no idea what decisions YOU have made for him by not confessing.

 

And yes, that takes courage and is risky, but having your husband aware of what you did and the consequences that you would face is the quickest way to get out of the "fog".

 

No one has a crystal ball, but the chances are pretty high that your being unable to regain your attraction to your husband will eventually surface in some other way, and if he finds out by himself, your chances of having a husband decrease.

[loveisanaction]

I agree with Frisky, until you end things with your affair partner your husband doesn't stand a chance.

 

When it comes to sexual attraction and *feelings* your affair partner takes the lead.

 

End things completely with him and do your best to move on from him; it is then and only then that you will be able to start having sexual affection for your husband.

 

Do not insult your husband by giving your heart and body to another man then coming home to him, he deserves better than that.

[renaissancewoman]

I ask because you are not talking and behaving as someone who actually loves her husband. Why are you staying married? Why are you with your husband? Why have you chosen share your life with your husband?

 

Have you ever heard, When the WHY gets big, the HOW gets stronger? Ask yourself WHY do I want to be with my husband? If your answer is bigger than any feelings or fantasy you have about your AP, then the HOW can I let go, or HOW can I get my passion back for my husband should come pretty naturally.

 

Unfortunately, I don't believe your husband actually means as much to you as you WANT to believe. Your posts have been focused so much on your AP. You spend so much mental energy on him and not on your husband. Your husband has no chance until you actually have remorse for your actions and wake up from fog.

[heartwhole]

I think that your affair grew out of all the things you both didn't work on or heal correctly from your husband's affairs. In order to restore the passion and love in your marriage, you need to work on those issues. You mentioned that a trusted PhD counselor said that your husband should not be told of your affair because he would have an extreme, possibly violent reaction. If that is the case, then I think true intimacy in your marriage will be hard to come by. How can you be open an vulnerable with someone you can't really trust?

[renaissancewoman]

Thank you for that advice. I have already started a list of all the negatives. I'm not very good at that but I'm slowly building it. For every fault' date=' I tend to think of an excuse for that and why it's really not that bad. That's just my nature. Not just with MM, but with everyone in my life. I am going to do it though. I think it will be helpful to look back on when I feel the urge to contact him.[/quote']

 

Do you notice how even this exercise has your attention focused on the mOM? You're focusing on the wrong person. Fix your heart on your husband. Prop up his GOOD values. Make a list of all YOUR HUSBAND'S positive qualities. How wonderful YOUR HUSBAND makes you feel. How kind YOUR HUSBAND is. You know, the whole whatever is true, whatever is noble, type of thing. Why are spending time thinking about the wrong person? Even if it's to list the reasons NOT to be with him, it's still not making you think about the reasons FOR loving your husband, which should be more important.

[Can't let go]

Yes, I totally see that now. I am focusing on the mm. Even though it's to come up with negatives, it is still making me think of him. I need to focus my attention on my husband. My biggest struggle right now is to not think about the mm and the fun we had together. Thank you for the pinch.

[Can't let go]

You're all right. Since my H affair, I really haven't put our M as the top priority. It's always been about me. How he hurt me and what I could do to make me feel better. I've ended the A, but just recently, so as wrong as it may be, I am struggling to get past losing the way the AP made me feel.

I am committed to making my M work and my H my top priority. But I also know that I need to be prepared for some speed bumps.

I really believe that my H has moved past his A's and is more committed to our M than he has ever been. So it's very ironic where I've ended up. I am working on fixing myself and my M. I do regret ever going down this path. It was a huge mistake and I know my H didn't deserve it. Nor does the other BS. I don't ever want to end up here again.

[whichwayisup]

Not sure how you can fix your marriage without telling your H about your own affair. Are you scared of the fallout? You forgave him for his A, don't you think he will forgive you for your A?

 

You're not even close to being over your exAP so forcing the feelings and sexual attraction/passion for your husband to come back is not going to happen very quickly. Are you in total NC with your exAP?

 

Try counseling, on your own and with your husband (use the same therapist for both).

[whichwayisup]

but my A actually improved my sex life with my H.

 

Whatever you felt towards your exMM sexually was put into your sex life with your H at home. Really had nothing to do with your husband turning you on, it was a release of hormones and being horny.

 

Now that your A is over, you can't find that same passion for your husband.

[Jersey born raised]

Could it be your crying and feelings are because sub-consciously you know in your heart your marriage is dead for you and has been for about three years? That this is an exit affair that the affair is a "stalking horse"?

 

Your relationship with the MOM is meeting an emtional need missing from your marriage. This need might never had been there, or died three years ago and is gone for good. Where you still using a MC at the start of the relationship.

 

I am not going to list the reasons the harm to both of your families, or how this is just fools gold. That train is long gone.

 

I will say don't ever suggest to him that the improved sex life was because of your AP. Most likely he will never recover his self esteem with you around.

I realize what I am saying is counter intuitive, I mean he getting more and better sex because of it - right?

 

Many posters often suggest reading His Needs - Her Needs, The 5 Love Languages, and how to survive an affairl. The last you might not want your husband you are reading. He will assume it is because of his possible adultery and if he finds out later it was not....

 

To close I suggest the underlying issues are far more complex than you realize.

That those issues are why the addiction exsist. Until you acknowledge them and work on those your marrsige is in crissis with or with out NC with MOM.

[Jersey born raised]

I do have an example to further illustrate my point on underlying issues. In every point of fact it does not apply to you, except it shows that the need caused the action.

 

There have been a number of threads on this board and others about a WW who was a serial cheat. The husband kept trying to save the marriage but she never changed dispite loving her husband. It turns out they were CSA victims. That the adultery was caused by sereve self-esteem issues. That the adultery would never stop until that issue was resolved.

 

Agsin, you can fix the action but the issues in your marriage will leave both you and your spouse feeling that the marriage is not what it could have been and will never be. A lousy way to live for the rest of your lives.

 

Bye the way my thoughts in no way can or should be taken as a justification for adultery.

 

Be well JBR

[elaine567]

I think that this is not so simple as "OK the A is over let's get back and make amends to the injured party, ie the BS"

Here you have big issues with your husband, he is a cheater, he is the man who betrayed you.

Your MM may be a "rotter" who is betraying his wife, but he hasn't actually betrayed you, (yet anyway).

Getting back on board with the man who did betray you and who you may partly blame for your A, I guess is going to be very hard here.

[Can't let go]

I in no way think because of things I suffered during our M that is justification for my actions. There is a huge difference between reasons something happen and justifications for them happening. I know some have said that I am using my H affair and what it did to me as justification. I am not all. His A did change me and the way I started to look at things and that lead me to the part where I even thought I had a choice to do the wrong thing. I know I had a choice to make the right decision. I chose wrong. It doesn't justify it. But sure is part of the reason.

I started dating my husband at 16. We got married when I was 20. I still finished college and even went on to get a doctorate. My H didn't go to college. He took a career path that did not require a college degree. It was a successful career path though.

Before we were married, I'm about 90% sure he cheated on me. He would never admit and always professed his undying love for me. Since he knew he was my first sexual partner, and I was not his, he tended to say mean things to me. Such as... So and so said I was really good at this or so and so would do this for me... Or he would talk about his other sexual experiences and how great they were. He would never say it was bad with me. Just joke about him teaching me some things. I know that all sounds horrible and I should've left him then but I very young. Everytime I told him how that stuff hurt me he would tell me to lighten up that he was just joking. I also felt bad that I had pre-marital sex. I felt like I had made my bed, now I needed to lay in it.

The first affair I know about was when I was in grad school. I left him for awhile. He begged me to come back, we went to MC. He changed. Stopped staying mean things about me, etc. He would get a jab in every once in awhile but nothing major. The last A, I'm pretty sure hadn't went past the texting stage but if I wouldn't have FKind it, it probably would have. He admitted that he never went to her house because he knew what would happen. Now, more MC and IC. For both of us. He really changed how treated me, for the better. And now I'm the one with the problem. I really think all of that is where my low self esteem comes from. No one in the outside would say I have low self esteem. I have a very successful career, great kids, we do lots of things as a family, etc. And I am very attractive as is my H. He probably more so than me because his job tends to attract women.

I think he is happier in our marriage than he has ever been. I'm not sure I can ever be fully happy in any relationship until I repair the damage that had been slowly caused to my self esteem. That's what scares me. My H and I are in love. And I'm willing to fight to make it work. The solution for some may be easy, just leave. But I want it to work.

[lbjanieb]

Wow, there has been a lot of feedback to this post - good and bad. I won't condemn you, nor will I tell you to give up on monogamy, or leave your husband and go be with the AP. Yep, affairs like this do create a type of chemical addiction in your brain because of the excitement, newness, etc. It can be very hard to detox but I think until you do, you won't see anything truly clearly here. How to do this? - read, get a new hobby, new dog, focus on your kids, focus on your job, focus on the good that you have.

 

I have to agree with your counselor in that you shouldn't tell your H about the affair, at least not yet. The timing is horrible and emotions are too high. If he left you over the revelation, you would run to the AP and you're not even sure that's what you'd want long-term. The thing you should tell your H is that you're struggling with the hurt and mistrust of his past affair at times. Counseling doesn't necessarily mean there's trouble, but that you're working at it rather than expecting everything to go smoothly.

 

You have a lot of years in so I wouldn't toss it away on a sexual high. I think you'd also have some trust issues with the AP and wonder if when it got hard or dull if he wouldn't take the same route again with someone else.

 

Whatever you do, get yourself healthy. Regardless of your pain from your H's past affair, learn to make other coping mechanisms your go-to rather than to escape into something that feels good for a few moments, but ultimately just makes things a bigger mess. My guess is that his A may haunt you from time to time the rest of your days. But if you make the right choices that pain can become less and less powerful. If he's truly committed to working on things and you can respect him as a man, you should be able to continue on life's path together knowing that you've both made mistakes.

 

For what it's worth, I'll say a prayer for you...

[Jersey born raised]

Part of healing your marriage at some point is using the parts of how his adultery effected you that fit him to anticipate the range of his possible reactions. For example if you chose not to discuss your adultery (I've seen posters claim 80% of adultery is never disclosed), would be if he found out in 4 years from now. I picked 4 years as you married at 20 and discovers his affair while in grad school and separated for awhile.

 

Other posdible differences: you are a Phd he is a high school grad. While in your mind it is not an issue, in his it may be a source of inadequace. Especially if your MOM has a Phd and both of you earn more money. To you this may not be a factor at all, but there are three realites at play here: the reality of the marriage, your reality, and his reality. All are equally valid and need to be respected.

 

I have a BA, and enough credits to have a two other degrees, accounting and computer science. My ex did not and I could tell she aiways felt lacking because of it. Especially around my sister who has a Phd in organic chemistry. It also took her a long time to warm up to degree to one SIL who is a CPA.

 

If this is going to work one of you has to take the lead. One of you has to start by trying to get to know the others reality, and what they need because of it. Perhaps the hardest part is you may never understand the why, but you know the action needed so you just do it.

[Friskyone4u]

Can't,

 

You seem to want to fix your problem and talk about speed bumps. But the major speed bump is that as long as you are not telling your husband what you are doing, or have been doing, that speed bump is not going away because when he does eventually find out, and he will, it will be worse.

 

Now, apparently you have JUST supposedly ended your affair. But, and this is a big but, because your husband is clueless, you could restart it at any time and you are back to square one. And by not confessing you can carry this torch for other man and probably have him again with a phone call. That is what you really are afraid of giving up.

 

While most men will proclaim that infidelity is an instant deal breaker, the fact is the overwhelming majority of men do NOT leave, at least right away. The continued lying and trickle truthing in many cases kills the marriage more than the sex.

 

This forum is littered with married women who have "ended" their affair with no consequences and two weeks later they are back at it. No way to predict that but as long as it is an option the chances are better that that will happen especially since it is for sure impeding your turning your attention 100% to your husband.

 

If you were truthful with your husband, yes he might leave you, but even if he did not you would have a much harder time dwelling on the fond memories because the game would be over.

[2016forme]

I typed the long version and lost it all somehow, so here's the "shortER" version. I've been married over 20 years and have been having an affair with a MM for a little over 10 months We both have kids. My husband was my first sexual partner. I was not his. He cheated on me, even though he never fully admitted everything. But we went to counseling. He cut ties with her immediately. A few years ago, he then had an inappropriate texting relationship which I found out about. I left him for awhile but he ceased contact with her completely upon me finding out. Since then, he has been nicer to me than ever before. For the past 3 years or so.

 

I work in the same field as the MM and we see each other about every 6 weeks at statewide conferences. We have texted every single day since we met. (We have never met each other's spouses.) We even tell each other that we love the other. He is not happy at all in his marriage. He tells me this, yes, but I have also had others tell me. Who have no reason to lie. No one knows about our A. We have just recently decided that we need to take a step back. No more I love you'd and no more constant contact. We're having NC for at least a week and see where things stand. We were together recently and things were wonderful. He got a text from his wife that made us think she was suspicious. And he became nervous. I had already been feeling guilty about staying another night together so I left and came home. He actually wants the NC more than me I think.

 

I am struggling. Constantly crying when my family isn't around and I've barely eaten. I am happier with him. Even with all the messiness of an affair. But I know I need to stop. Ironically, my sex with my husband improved when I started the affair because I had more self confidence. The really sad part is, I think my husband trusts me almost completely. The MM and I are very educated people and we both know because of hubs, kids and the 3 hour distance that we really be together. But I am eternally optimistic and always think we could find away. But in reality I really don't think I could do that to my kids. Or my husband. My M is not bad. Most people think we r the perfect couple. although I'm completely to blame for my choices, I wouldn't have never done this if my self esteem wouldn't have been crushed by his infidelities.

 

How do I let go of this MM when I don't want to but know I should? I've read all the articles about focusing on your kids. And I do a lot with my kids, but I feel like this is totally distracting me. And for reasons I can't get into, I can't quit my job. I will still have to see him a handful of times a year and we will be staying over night at a hotel with everyone else in our field. I desperately help on coping and getting through this. Not just advice on how it is breaking up my family and how wrong it is. I know that and I'm still struggling to move on. I'm afraid I won't be able to resist him the next time I see him.

 

Congrats on being married to your spouse for twenty years.

 

I'm glad that you both went to counseling to straighten things out.

 

One of the first mistakes that women (who are caught up in being the woman) is that she, the OW, is usually in denial. But in your case, I applaud you because you are a married woman, you are with your husband and you and your spouse are heavily involved with your children.

 

You are not in denial, so that is a good place to start.

 

The struggle you are having is trying to resist temptation of being around your MM.

 

You may think that every time you and MM are in a conference across the state, you personally feel, in your mind, that your MM is hard to resist.

 

There is a part in your mind that is addicted to the outside passion and intimacy that you and MM share with each other.

 

In order for you to break the chain and be completely successful in this situation, you have to look out for yourself.

 

You are a married woman. But this time, see if you can unhook yourself from this toxic relationship with your MM.

 

MM will keep lying and deceiving you, saying that"he isn't happy. .."

 

These "lies" are so that you are made to feel gullible, vulnerable and helpless.

 

Just because you both have conferences and you both work in the same field, that doesn't mean that you have to"turn on" and continue the same repetitive cycle of being involved with your MM.

 

One day, you will wake up and reality will finally dawn upon you.

 

You may wonder why do you keep falling into the same trap each and every time.

 

You cry in silence because you are struggling.

 

You cry in silence because you may feel that there is no one else to turn to.

 

You mentally and psychologically torture yourself because you are trying really hard to break the "addiction."

 

That's not healthy for you, your spouse or you family.

 

As long as you keep yourself"wide open", your MM will succeed and play his mind game with you over and over again.

 

Your MM knows your weak spots. He is only running game as long as you keep letting your guard down and falling for him over and over.

 

As long as you keep falling for MM, he will continue to manipulate you ONLY because you allow it!

 

You need not suffer and mourn in silence.

 

You are going to need the time and strength to pull yourself "out of this rut."

 

Change doesn't happen overnight.

 

Do things with you and your family that make you happy.

 

Learn to love yourself. You don't need your MM to tell you how beautiful you are!

 

You don't need a MM to tell you who you are! You have a family that loves you and that's what counts!

 

There is nothing wrong with going to counseling! It's the next step to help you break away from your MM!

 

Hugs to you!

Edited May 1, 2016 by 2016forme

[2016forme]

Oh I forgot to add that when any married man tells a woman. ..I'm not happy. ..." that is usually one of the sorriest excuses that I have ever heard! The reason I say this is because the MM is using his unhappy excuse as a scapegoat and a way to cheat and have a woman on the side!

 

I don't care whether or not the MM is happy or unhappy! The myriad of excuses I have heard so far (this is just by reading other stories) is not considered a justifiable reason to cheat!

 

If a MM is that unhappy, he needs to get some issues resolved with his wife! A MM will only say "I'm not happy" to any female that

 

1) She believes it! That is an excuse that she uses by believing "oh my MM is not happy. ..so I will give him what he wants and I will satisfy him cause his wife won't please him at home...

 

2) Usually, the female, or the OW is blinded into believing that her MM is telling her the truth....She then justifies her relationship with her MM.

 

Therfore, two wrongs don't make one right! I am not here to judge anyone, but if anyone is having an affair with a MM, they need to stop fooling themselves into thinking that things are going to be fine!

 

The truth is how will the OW feel when her MM's wife discovers that her husband is a cheat and that he has been living a double life? !

[MidnightBlue1980]

I in no way think because of things I suffered during our M that is justification for my actions. There is a huge difference between reasons something happen and justifications for them happening. I know some have said that I am using my H affair and what it did to me as justification. I am not all. His A did change me and the way I started to look at things and that lead me to the part where I even thought I had a choice to do the wrong thing. I know I had a choice to make the right decision. I chose wrong. It doesn't justify it. But sure is part of the reason.

I started dating my husband at 16. We got married when I was 20. I still finished college and even went on to get a doctorate. My H didn't go to college. He took a career path that did not require a college degree. It was a successful career path though.

Before we were married, I'm about 90% sure he cheated on me. He would never admit and always professed his undying love for me. Since he knew he was my first sexual partner, and I was not his, he tended to say mean things to me. Such as... So and so said I was really good at this or so and so would do this for me... Or he would talk about his other sexual experiences and how great they were. He would never say it was bad with me. Just joke about him teaching me some things. I know that all sounds horrible and I should've left him then but I very young. Everytime I told him how that stuff hurt me he would tell me to lighten up that he was just joking. I also felt bad that I had pre-marital sex. I felt like I had made my bed, now I needed to lay in it.

The first affair I know about was when I was in grad school. I left him for awhile. He begged me to come back, we went to MC. He changed. Stopped staying mean things about me, etc. He would get a jab in every once in awhile but nothing major. The last A, I'm pretty sure hadn't went past the texting stage but if I wouldn't have FKind it, it probably would have. He admitted that he never went to her house because he knew what would happen. Now, more MC and IC. For both of us. He really changed how treated me, for the better. And now I'm the one with the problem. I really think all of that is where my low self esteem comes from. No one in the outside would say I have low self esteem. I have a very successful career, great kids, we do lots of things as a family, etc. And I am very attractive as is my H. He probably more so than me because his job tends to attract women.

I think he is happier in our marriage than he has ever been. I'm not sure I can ever be fully happy in any relationship until I repair the damage that had been slowly caused to my self esteem. That's what scares me. My H and I are in love. And I'm willing to fight to make it work. The solution for some may be easy, just leave. But I want it to work.

 

I'm a little over 5 months out and I just want to give you a little comfort. The feelings go away. Well, I still see him and yes, it hurts - he wanted a long term affair and I didn't, so he let me walk - but it's more the pain of rejection, not being good enough, than love. The love went away 2 months ago. And trust me, I wanted to die for this guy - literally. If it was possible to die of a broken heart, I would be dead. I know you think you are different, but you are not. The pain you feel, we all feel. But I am here today to tell you, it'll be alright.

 

Here is what worked for me

 

1. Obviously no physical contact. Enough said.

2. I told my husband everything.

3. I had a good friend, happened to be a guy, who listened to me daily on this. I wrote volumes. Volumes.

4. I prayed nightly for help, for change, for something to happen. When you are single, you just go meet another guy. When you are married, you need something big to happen to change your life and make you forget. I invited it and it came.

5. I had lots of sex with husband. Lots. It helps.

6. Don't fight the memories. I relived it all over and over and over. Our dates, our texts, the moments. Like anything else, you reach a saturation point. Recently I deleted all the pics, texts and emails. I was thinking, its been over 4 months, why am I holding on to this crap.

7. Work it. Go to the gym.

8. Believe that this guy came into your life because you invited him because you had lessons to learn. Figure out what the lesson was.

9. Trust in the power of time.

10. Take baths.

11. Sleep.

12. Find a inspirational speaker you like. I like Infinite Waters on youtube.

13. Get really, really hot. I'm up to this step. It involves #7.

[Can't let go]

Thank you midnightblue. Two thing that really struck me was that you said to have lots of sex with my husband. I have been so depressed that I have pushed him away. Starting tomorrow I won't. It's the middle of the night here so he's sleeping. I have some other major family issues going on so he thinks I am just depressed over that. Which, of course, I am depressed and stressed over that too. So, so far he understands.

The mm and I had the most contact late at night and throughout the workdays. I am really struggling to not want to text him at those times. We would always tell each other good morning and good night. The rejection really hits at those times. I miss that contact the most. I almost feel a pain of rejection during those times because he's not trying to contact me. We both agreed NC, so he's doing exactly what we agreed upon. I am ready for those feelings to go away. I have not broke the NC agreement either. I will see him toward the end of next month. Just during the day, but we won't have to have contact. I will definitely see him though. There will be at a limited number of people there, 10-12, in a conference room. So we will have to at least acknowledge each other. I really hope since that is still a few weeks away, I can be stronger at that point than I am now.

You gave me some steps to put into action. Sometimes it's hard for me to think of those things as I try to completely break through the fog. This forum has been such a source of support to keep my head above water.

I do pray every night that my feelings towards the mm will change and that my H and I will eventually have a strong marriage, where nothing can penetrate it.

Edited May 2, 2016 by Can't let go
Misspelled a name left out a couple of words. Should've read it before I posted it.

[Can't let go]

He sent me a text just to say good morning even though we agreed NC for at least a week. I'm not sure whether to respond or not.

Edited May 3, 2016 by Can't let go

[Can't let go]

I was feeling good about our NC but now am so sad. I feel rejected and I also feel like I pushed him away. And I'm mad at myself for that. But I'm really not sure which really happened. I know I'm rambling.

The mm and I had slowed things down in the past week. Decided no contact until end of this week and then we'd decide what to do. Well, he texted me two days ago. Said he just needed to say good morning. I didn't respond at first. But then I said good morning this morning. Then I get a text from him saying things were dicey at home so "we shouldn't communicate a lot. i will update you from time to time but not very often. Thanks for everything".

What in the world does that mean? The dicey thing at home has to do with his wife charging up a very high credit card debt that he didn't know she had. And she wasn't paying it.

[whichwayisup]

More importantly instead of wondering what he means, wonder more about why you are clinging to any kind of contact with him?

 

Anyway, he means his wife is watching him, he's not wanting to continue contact with you and left the door open a crack for when he needs an ego feed. It's not about you, it's about HIM. He couldn't care less that you're hurting, he is concerned about himself.

 

Please, do yourself a favour and just block him for good once and for all. Your A is over, allow yourself to really grieve. Really cry it and let the process of letting go happen. Any contact keeps you hopeful.

 

Love yourself more than what you feel for him.