Getting passion back for BH

[Bufo]

He's looking for the ego stroke that you are still thinking of him. OM's tend to need the attention,or adoration of 2 or more women, each kept in her own separate compartment. If you ignore him, he'll try harder to get you back in your compartment but will give up as you won't be giving him what he wants: ego stroking and well, you know what I'm thinking.

 

Do the math. Is it a good deal to trade yourself for a half time (or less) man?

[SomethingToSay]

It means that as usual, he is lying.

 

How would his wife charging up some debt create a need for him to back off? Obviously he is backing off for some other reason and just spinning you some bull****. Maybe his wife is onto him, maybe its another OW, maybe he just doesnt want to deal with you. Who knows.

 

So he is basically telling you to hold tight for if/when it suits him to pick back up with you.

 

 

So yeah.

[2016forme]

I was feeling good about our NC but now am so sad. I feel rejected and I also feel like I pushed him away. And I'm mad at myself for that. But I'm really not sure which really happened. I know I'm rambling.

The mm and I had slowed things down in the past week. Decided no contact until end of this week and then we'd decide what to do. Well, he texted me two days ago. Said he just needed to say good morning. I didn't respond at first. But then I said good morning this morning. Then I get a text from him saying things were dicey at home so "we shouldn't communicate a lot. i will update you from time to time but not very often. Thanks for everything".

What in the world does that mean? The dicey thing at home has to do with his wife charging up a very high credit card debt that he didn't know she had. And she wasn't paying it.

 

What the mixed message really means is that you shouldn't sit around from now until the end of year waiting for your MM to get back to you because "....we shouldn't communicate a lot..."

 

You need to do yourself a huge favor and maintain the NC!

 

Stick to it and mean it with all your heart!

 

When you find yourself going backwards and breaking the NC, you are setting yourself up for failure. Instead of moving fowards, you have set up for yourself a roadblock to success.

 

Don't sit around and occupy your mind and your time being hung up with someone else's ole MM!

 

I hope you can wake and smell the roses!

[beach]

I was feeling good about our NC but now am so sad. I feel rejected and I also feel like I pushed him away. And I'm mad at myself for that. But I'm really not sure which really happened. I know I'm rambling.

The mm and I had slowed things down in the past week. Decided no contact until end of this week and then we'd decide what to do. Well, he texted me two days ago. Said he just needed to say good morning. I didn't respond at first. But then I said good morning this morning. Then I get a text from him saying things were dicey at home so "we shouldn't communicate a lot. i will update you from time to time but not very often. Thanks for everything".

What in the world does that mean? The dicey thing at home has to do with his wife charging up a very high credit card debt that he didn't know she had. And she wasn't paying it.

 

It means he's just checking to see if you'll be his backup plan... To which you respond = so it's a yes to him.

 

Notice he complains about the wife but didn't say he's filed to divorce her? He's not getting divorced - he just wants to know if you'll come out to play with him if he complains about her enough.

 

Can you block him?

[ChickiePops]

I didn't see anything mixed there. It sounds like he's tying to extricate himself from the affair without provoking you into blowing up his marriage.

[Can't let go]

Neither one of us ever expected the other to leave our spouse. We always knew our relationship had a "low ceiling" as we called it. Because of careers, family and distance. However, we started telling each other that we loved the other one. Still no plans for either of us to divorce in the near future. If I was reading this about someone else, I would be thinking she's totally crazy. Just walk away. I want to, I know I should, I know this relationship will never have a happy ending... But somewhere I hold out hope in this piece of my mind I don't want to admit exists. I know that's so wrong. He's left his wife a couple of times (not because of me) but they always get back together. I never expected otherwise. in my twisted mind, I wanted him to stay married. Because I had no plans of getting a divorce and if he was single I was afraid I would lose him. He always said he went back for the kids. This occurred before I met him and during our A.

After this last text saying we shouldn't communicate a lot and he'd contact me with updates but not often and thanks for everything. I just found it very odd because I've never got a text anywhere close to this from him.

 

I responded back and just said... I'm sorry you're going through this. You're a great person and I hope you find what makes you happy. Best of luck".

I just feel like his text gave me no closure. And, I miss him. I really miss our constant texting and how he made me feel. We didn't see each other often. So texting was kind of what bonded us. I'm not sure how to get past this. Every single day for the past 11 months, I woke up to a "good morning" and went to sleep with a "good night. Love you". I'm feeling that loss big time.

[Cymbeline]

'just said... I'm sorry you're going through this. You're a great person and I hope you find what makes you happy. Best of luck".

I just feel like his text gave me no closure. And, I miss him. I really miss our constant texting and how he made me feel. We didn't see each other often. So texting was kind of what bonded us. I'm not sure how to get past this. Every single day for the past 11 months, I woke up to a "good morning" and went to sleep with a "good night. Love you". I'm feeling that loss big time.'

 

I don't mean to sound unkind, but how sad these words are. Please think about how a text from someone else's husband can mean quite so much to you. Why is your life so very empty that this could be anything other than a slight intrusion into the business of your day and life?

 

If your life is not actually that empty and sad, then you are wanting and searching in an unhealthy way for 'more'. There isn't more. There is only the life you have and all you can 'get' is what you are willing to do to make your life a life well lived. The only meaning is that which you make within yourself.

 

Stop looking outwards for your satisfaction and start looking within. This isn't working for you.

[BuddyX]

The sad part is that I already posted this quote a few times. Which proves your case is not all that special.

 

"Closure" is a joke. The only apology you need is the one you owe yourself for being foolish enough to stay as long as you did. The only conversation you need to have is the one with yourself on how to be stronger and leave sooner. The only person you really need to see again is yourself. Before you got all weak. So look at yourself in the mirror and say: "You know what, I ****ed up" that's your closure. And all that can be done by yourself. You can't keep dancing with the devil and wonder why you're in hell."

[Bittersweetie]

If your life is not actually that empty and sad, then you are wanting and searching in an unhealthy way for 'more'. There isn't more. There is only the life you have and all you can 'get' is what you are willing to do to make your life a life well lived. The only meaning is that which you make within yourself.

 

Stop looking outwards for your satisfaction and start looking within. This isn't working for you.

 

I have to agree with this. After my A, and my d-day, it took a lot of thinking and introspection for me to realize that I was measuring my personal happiness based on outside factors. What my H did for me. What I had. My job. Where we lived. Etc. And I thought adding a MM to fill in the gaps would make it better.

 

It didn't. It made things much worse. And in the aftermath I learned that the only person responsible for my happiness is me. And that my happiness should not come at someone else's expense (i.e., my H's, the BW's).

 

You need to go full NC and stop the texts. I know, they are like a fix that makes you feel better right now, but in the long run they are not healthy. You need to get past the addiction quality of those texts and MM. I know it's not easy, I've been there. Take it one day. Say, I will not text him today. And as the days add up you will grow stronger and begin to be able to address the other stuff going on.

 

Good luck.

[loveisanaction]

After all the 'I love yous' ...and all the first thing in the morning and last thing at night text messages, he was able to move on like normal. Back to his main priority he goes.

 

Here you are sad, miserable and wondering if you'll ever see him again

Even going as far as sending him a lovely text message that he didnt respond to.

 

It's never worth it getting involved with a married man. They can move on like normal whereas the other woman is sad and miserable or months...sometimes years to come.

[gemini6]

So he is basically telling you to hold tight for if/when it suits him to pick back up with you.

 

^ This is exactly it...Sorry you are in the mess, and I feel bad that you are still holding on to this man, he's clearly just another POS cheater, cake eater, etc...

Please take care of yourself, you are deserving of so much more then this!! A crumb, and a warning that more crumbs will be all you get for "awhile"??? Because his W ran up debt?? What does that have to do with you? Why does her debt make him unable to communicate? unable to see you? IT DOESN'T!!! That's a lame excuse if I ever heard one!:mad:LAME!

So sorry you are going through it.

[13Hearts]

I was feeling good about our NC but now am so sad. I feel rejected and I also feel like I pushed him away. And I'm mad at myself for that. But I'm really not sure which really happened. I know I'm rambling.

The mm and I had slowed things down in the past week. Decided no contact until end of this week and then we'd decide what to do. Well, he texted me two days ago. Said he just needed to say good morning. I didn't respond at first. But then I said good morning this morning. Then I get a text from him saying things were dicey at home so "we shouldn't communicate a lot. i will update you from time to time but not very often. Thanks for everything".

What in the world does that mean? The dicey thing at home has to do with his wife charging up a very high credit card debt that he didn't know she had. And she wasn't paying it.

 

It means he's been found out, or BW suspects, so he needs to lay low for a while.

[2016forme]

Neither one of us ever expected the other to leave our spouse. We always knew our relationship had a "low ceiling" as we called it. Because of careers, family and distance. However, we started telling each other that we loved the other one. Still no plans for either of us to divorce in the near future. If I was reading this about someone else, I would be thinking she's totally crazy. Just walk away. I want to, I know I should, I know this relationship will never have a happy ending... But somewhere I hold out hope in this piece of my mind I don't want to admit exists. I know that's so wrong. He's left his wife a couple of times (not because of me) but they always get back together. I never expected otherwise. in my twisted mind, I wanted him to stay married. Because I had no plans of getting a divorce and if he was single I was afraid I would lose him. He always said he went back for the kids. This occurred before I met him and during our A.

After this last text saying we shouldn't communicate a lot and he'd contact me with updates but not often and thanks for everything. I just found it very odd because I've never got a text anywhere close to this from him.

 

I responded back and just said... I'm sorry you're going through this. You're a great person and I hope you find what makes you happy. Best of luck".

I just feel like his text gave me no closure. And, I miss him. I really miss our constant texting and how he made me feel. We didn't see each other often. So texting was kind of what bonded us. I'm not sure how to get past this. Every single day for the past 11 months, I woke up to a "good morning" and went to sleep with a "good night. Love you". I'm feeling that loss big time.

 

Both you and your MM have no intentional plans of leaving your spouses! The fact that both of you are married to your own spouses should be a wake up call.

 

The fact that you still want to text your MM is showing your unwillingness to let go of your relationship. You are still choosing to hold on to your MM in spite of the communication!

 

You have been holding on and holding out for far too long. It doesn't matter how many times you and your MM have texted each other just to say "I love you. ..good morning. ..good night. ..." in real life, that is nothing but being all mouth and no action! It is for your entertainment purposes only!

 

You are caught up in a"affair fog" and a whirlwind of memories reminiscing about how things used to be!

 

When you wake up every morning and go to bed at night, nothing is going to change the fact that you have a married life and so does your MM!

 

 

It seems like you are obsessed and you really miss the texts you and your MM used to exchange.

 

Closure will not come until you get a reality check, seek counseling and snap out of the relationship between you and your MM.

Edited May 4, 2016 by 2016forme

[ShatteredLady]

I've found these last pages very hard to read. When my H was cheating I was loosing my mind! I knew that something was very wrong but every single time I mentioned anything he became extremely defensive & cruel to me. I loved & trusted him so much that I couldn't believe that he could possibly be betraying me, our FAMILY. UGH!!

 

He made me feel like everything was my fault. I tied myself in knots, deteriorating my health, loosing my mind trying to be the 'perfect wife'. Of course nothing worked! We would have lovely, passionate nights but the next day it would be back to s**t & all he would say is, "The spark didn't catch!".

 

Once I learnt the truth it started to make sense. He would wake with me in his arms after a lovely night....look at his messages. "No goodnight?". "I'm sorry. You're the last thing I think about every night (didn't feel like it when he was on me!) & the first thing I think of in the morning!".

 

Did your husband write things like that to his lover? Did the way he treated you change when he was with her? The excruitiating agony of d-day is just horrific isn't it? I actually collapsed. Went into shock. Vomited. I'll never forget. I know why they call it "heart breaking", I could physically feel the agony in my heart in my chest.

 

I've read your whole thread. I can get why part of you might want to torture & destroy your H but your MM's wife is innocent. A bit of CC debt isn't an excuse!

 

There is so very much pain here but sadly I think it's just a drop in the ocean compared to what's to come. Please focus on that the next time you're tempted to get the "Good morning" high. It's truly not worth it. NOTHING can be worth the pain. I wanted to die.

[Can't let go]

I appreciate all of your responses. The harsh ones and the comforting ones. I need them both to get out of this fog. I really wish I had never met him. All of the good feelings from the relationship don't outweigh the hurt of trying to climb out of the hole. Not to mention the betrayal to both our spouses.

[Jersey born raised]

If I may ask about his possible EA. His answer is exactly what in would have said and done even though there was no EA. An exception is if my wife asked me to help her.

 

I view it as a matter of healthy boundaries.

[Darren Steez]

Never a good sign when posts are littered with I wish, I hope, I want to, I can't.

 

NC "agreed" and all it took was one text message to blow that up.

 

So there's a hotel overstay in a couple of weeks? Guesses on how that's going to end up, thus begins again the cycle of guilt, I wish I didn't, I need to stop this..etc etc.

 

Funny how telling the truth is never the answer.

[Can't let go]

There's not a hotel stay. Just a meeting I will have to see him at. We don't actually see each other often. I know how trivial my missing the good morning, etc. sound. And I'm not trying to punish my husband for what he did. I know the mm and I were both looking in the wrong place to fulfill whatever we are missing in our marriages.

Each day, I feel a little more at peace with him not being in my life. I am choosing NC, because you're right, I was feeling ok and then as soon as he contacted me, all those anxiety filled feelings came back up. I didn't really want NC at first. Some may be able to make a decision to move on, and by the next morning, they're free. I'm sorry that's not me. Probably why I stayed with my H even though he had 2 affairs (that I'm sure of).

I am not going to work to get my A back. I am going to work to come out of it healthy and confident. And put this completely in the past.

[Lois_Griffin]

I in no way think because of things I suffered during our M that is justification for my actions. There is a huge difference between reasons something happen and justifications for them happening. I know some have said that I am using my H affair and what it did to me as justification. I am not all. His A did change me and the way I started to look at things and that lead me to the part where I even thought I had a choice to do the wrong thing. I know I had a choice to make the right decision. I chose wrong. It doesn't justify it. But sure is part of the reason.

I started dating my husband at 16. We got married when I was 20. I still finished college and even went on to get a doctorate. My H didn't go to college. He took a career path that did not require a college degree. It was a successful career path though.

Before we were married, I'm about 90% sure he cheated on me. He would never admit and always professed his undying love for me. Since he knew he was my first sexual partner, and I was not his, he tended to say mean things to me. Such as... So and so said I was really good at this or so and so would do this for me... Or he would talk about his other sexual experiences and how great they were. He would never say it was bad with me. Just joke about him teaching me some things. I know that all sounds horrible and I should've left him then but I very young. Everytime I told him how that stuff hurt me he would tell me to lighten up that he was just joking. I also felt bad that I had pre-marital sex. I felt like I had made my bed, now I needed to lay in it.

The first affair I know about was when I was in grad school. I left him for awhile. He begged me to come back, we went to MC. He changed. Stopped staying mean things about me, etc. He would get a jab in every once in awhile but nothing major. The last A, I'm pretty sure hadn't went past the texting stage but if I wouldn't have FKind it, it probably would have. He admitted that he never went to her house because he knew what would happen. Now, more MC and IC. For both of us. He really changed how treated me, for the better. And now I'm the one with the problem. I really think all of that is where my low self esteem comes from. No one in the outside would say I have low self esteem. I have a very successful career, great kids, we do lots of things as a family, etc. And I am very attractive as is my H. He probably more so than me because his job tends to attract women.

I think he is happier in our marriage than he has ever been. I'm not sure I can ever be fully happy in any relationship until I repair the damage that had been slowly caused to my self esteem. That's what scares me. My H and I are in love. And I'm willing to fight to make it work. The solution for some may be easy, just leave. But I want it to work.

Maybe your husband's serial cheating (and that's what he is - a serial cheater) was really a deal breaker for you?

 

Would be for me.