Wife wants to cheat

[harleyJohn61]

I have a problem with my wife. We have been married for 6 years. She is 43 and is currently starting menopause. She also takes a drug called Cymbalta for pain and depression. She is attractive and our life together have been pretty good until recently. We have not had sex in about 6 months which is really rare. She complains of being sick and hurting and all that and seems never to feel good enough to have sex. She says she loves me dearly and all that and that being depressed is hurting some too as far as sex is concerned. Well, it seems I overheard her talking to a friend that she was planning on having a fling with one of our renters. I am pretty sure the renter has been flirting with her for a long time but she would never do anything with anyone or so I thought. This guy is a redneck has nothing as far as looks, money or anything else. I have more in my pocket than this guy could come up with if he sold everything. When confronted with this she said that she was just kidding with the friend and not serious, but I really do not believe her. Why would a good woman like this that never cheated on me and I know that is a fact, all of a sudden want to do something like this. Our marriage must not mean much to her and why do something like this with this piece of trash. She has been on the receiving end of cheating before with her ex husband and she knows the hurt it can bring, so if she loves me, why is she willing to get caught and hurt me like that. I really do not understand what is going on with her. Could it be the drug? Things seem to have gone downhill since she started taking it. I talked with the friend and he (that is right, he...it is an old boyfriend)...and he is shocked at her behavior too and he has known her for 15 years and he said she is screwed up or something. I have tried to get her to counseling but she will not go. I just have her on a short leash now just to make sure she is okay but I can't live like this. Any ideas?

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I think you caught her just in the nick of time. I think you need to make it clear to her that if she engages in this behavior you will divorce her. Make sure she is away of the ramifications of this type of behavior if she engages in it. Again make it clear this will mean divorce. I wish you luck.

[harleyJohn61]

Well, I think I did too. I think that spouses would catch the other one cheating quicker if they just picked up on the signs. The lack of interest in sex was the first. The increased bitching at me for little things was another. And her going upstairs with the cordless phone when she had another phone in the bedroom was another. If a spouse changes behavior and you have not done anything wrong, then you need to start spying on them I guess. I will still watch her and I am getting her some help to cope with this mental thing she has and I truly believe that it is mental. Thanks for the reply.

[Stone]

Sit down and have a talk with her and bring up the sexual part & tell her how you feel about it, ask her to talk to her doctor and offer to go to the doctor with her. also check out this linkhttp://www.sosuave.com/articles/lying.htm

[ejaytwo]

I read your posting and truly understand your dilemma. I think you should consider the fact that when a woman goes through menopause her entire world changes and so do her feelings and even her morals. For a man to understand the emotional turmoil a woman goes through at this point in her life is impossible because we have no reference point or equal guide. This does not mean she does not love you but you have to consider the fact that she might not want be with you any longer. Consider something else as you described this guy has nothing but she was willing to flirt with him. You feel that you have it all together and how dare she choose someone that is beneath you. This is your ego talking at best, and you still haven’t solved the problem. Question do you do the same things you did to get her? Are you truly interested in her as a person or simply some sort of your personal sense of property? I wonder what is your wife worth to you? Now if she is worth something which I think she is by your statements what are you going to about it? You can fight by being the man she fell in love with a long time ago, you can fight by seeing her for who she really is and acting on that (speaking in positive terms here), you can fight by researching the emotional, psychological, and physical effects of menopause. If this does not work you will have to look at the painful fact you are to far apart to work it out together. I hope these thoughts helped in some way.

[ejaytwo]

I just thought of something else if you place the responsibility of the relationship working in a positive fashion and you make the changes necessary to save your relationship if it works you will have to keep those changes up. Now if it does not work you will be better at moving on with your life knowing you did what you needed to do to make it work. Remember the only person you can truly change is yourself you can be there for her but you can’t change her this comes because she wants to change.

[harleyJohn61]

Thanks for the replys so far. Well, the reason I said what I did about the guy was the fact that my wife is very money driven. She has known this guy for 25 years or so and they have been somewhat friends and he used to work for her and her ex-husband years before we met. The guy is just a horny bastard that is looking to get laid any way he can with whatever he can and if he can get laid by his landlady then all the more the better. He might not have to pay any rent for awhile then. I have been researching things and that is why I posted on here. I know she stills wants me. I found out that I may have cancer and I may not live very much longer anyway. She almost went to tears when she heard that there was a possiblity of this even though the tests have not been done yet. My wife told me that she loved me at least 50 times yesterday. She said that everything was fine between us and that if I were worrying about that, then I need to quit. She told me that whether I wanted her to or not, that she was going to always be there to take care of me and be with me. I did not mention in the first post of the start of tension between us. About 2 years ago, we had a bad experience on a move for a job that I took and it really cost us a lot of money for the move and then the job was not worth the move really. We moved back to our old house but things are not quite the same. She still has some bad memories of the move and this has been in the back of her mind and I think it has come between us. We are trying to work through it though. And I know what you are thinking. She has let money come between someone she loves? Not really a good person I guess you are thinking. Well, she is geared a little different than most and she says that she is f**ked up in the head, so normal ways of dealing with her might not work really. I have a unique situation here and I have to handle it with unique ways I guess. I appreciate all the replys.

[ejaytwo]

You added a great deal more of information that needs to be examined but still the onus of what needs to happen here rests with whatever decisions you choose to make. It is very obvious that you love her but you sound like you have some reservations about her life choices. Example you said that:

 

About 2 years ago, we had a bad experience on a move for a job that I took and it really cost us a lot of money for the move and then the job was not worth the move really. We moved back to our old house but things are not quite the same. She still has some bad memories of the move and this has been in the back of her mind and I think it has come between us”.

 

The questions that comes to mind at least for me is how much trust has she lost in you as her spouse? If this move cost you a great deal of money and the two of you almost lost everything would seemingly create a sense of anxiety in her mine of not having her basic needs met. My experience is that women don’t get over financial challenges because of this basic need for their personal safety and security. However, you do need to deal with this issue because it has been 2 years.

 

You should also consider that when you are ill, feelings of personal insecurity loom large and oftentimes cloud what you may see (other times you may see situations very clearly because of the perception there is no time to continue the game so to speak). But it sounds like she need some attention and was looking to get it anyway she could even it was from a jerk just to get your attention. The only thing I would suggest here is that you need to be very clear in your mind what you need for yourself and she need to do the same. The decision you both should make should reflect the mutual goals of where you see your marriage going and what the 2 of you can reasonably do for one another. As I said before if she needs attention it has to come from you if you really want to save your marriage. Oh by the way I don’t see her as a lover of money I see a woman how is insecure about her future and has lost confidence. This could be a start to great new beginning for the both of you but the 2 of you have to stop making excuses for each other. You know she is money hungry, she is looking at some else, our marriage does not mean as much to her as it does to me, the both of you are sick and don’t know what the future holds (although her sickness is more of a temporary situation that will past in a year to 16 months), and most important your own personal, sense of what do I do next and am I worth it? Good luck to you and I hope things work out.

[westernxer]

Originally posted by harleyJohn61

Why would a good woman like this that never cheated on me and I know that is a fact, all of a sudden want to do something like this.

 

Doesn't sound like a good woman to me...

 

The drug has nothing to do with her wanting to have an affair with the neighbor, or whoever he is.

[harleyJohn61]

Thanks for the replys. I think the confidence thing is right on the head. She even told me that. You would have to be in my shoes to know why I made the decision. There are no and I mean no jobs here...we live in a textile area and the jobs are gone. IMy age plays a part of things and not many places want a 48 year old working for them even thought I could pass for 40 easy but no one wants a 10 year or so investment they want the younger kids that might stay 25 years or so. We still have a lot really...we just lost a few thousand dollars but we can recover from it in time. I made some bad decisions but we will get thru it. Her son is also causing problems and that is a factor. He is 15 and we keep him up and his dad does nothing to help his own kid. A minister that needs a minister to tell him what he is doing is wrong.....poor people in his church....what kind of preacher is this? Well anyway, thanks for the advice and I hope I can get more thoughts on this. I just am waiting for the next shoe to drop I guess and she what happens. Counseling is in the future for her and her son because they cannot get along now. Maybe this is a door to get me and her into counseling.

[shygurl]

I don't know how the laws work in your area, in regards to evicting a renter.....but it seems to me that if you can, it would make sense to give this slimeball the heave-ho. It's not necessarily going to "fix" your wife's desire (perhaps) to have a fling.....but if you already know he's been flirting with her, and she made the comment she did, it seems crazy to keep this joker around, if you can get rid of him - find a better tenant.

 

You should also suggest your wife, if she hasn't already, see her doctor and get her hormone levels checked.....when a woman is beginning or going through menopause, hormone levels can get all out of whack and that can have a big impact on her state of mind, big time. Hormones are pretty powerful things.

 

Have you had your tests yet to see if you have cancer or not? I sure hope everything comes back okay for you.....please keep us posted.

[Fritz]

Originally posted by ejaytwo

I read your posting and truly understand your dilemma. I think you should consider the fact that when a woman goes through menopause her entire world changes and so do her feelings and even her morals.

 

 

Oh, . So now, menopause can completely change morals now eh? Gimme a break. A woman must not have much of character to begin with if she can justify cheating because of menopause.