I just found out he's married

[Luckiestgirl]

Hello

 

I have been "dating" my "boyfriend" for a few months now. In the beginning everything was great (typical I guess). I did make sure to ask him if he was married or involved with someone else because that's just not my cup of tea. To each his own I guess. So yes, I did ask, which is why I am even more pissed off to have found out that he is.. MARRIED.

 

We don't live in the same state and now I think to myself.. what was I thinking??

 

His story was that he had divorced his wife years back. She was a drug addict. He had his own business and had custody of his kids. He was a great single dad. Sad story. Only it was all a lie.

 

The mom is well, not a drug addict, and living with him and their 3 kids in their house. The kids are great btw, which makes me feel super bad. I don't even know if he works, probably not. She probably does.

 

The power of social media. Even if YOU don't post something, your family will. And they did. In a nutshell, that's how I found out. And boy.. I found everything. I mean EVERYTHING! Like pics of him and his wife, pics of his wife with the kids, time stamped. Posts about people wishing "your dad" a happy birthday a week ago (when he didn't bother returning my call)

 

I am floored. I am not going to bother you with details but, if he kept some kind of truth to build his lies on, everything he told me was a lie.

 

I wonder what he told his wife when he went to visit me twice (for a week and then for 5 days). I mean "hey hun, I'm going away for a week. Don't worry." wtf?

 

He's been denying everything so far. According to him, my girlfriend is filling my head with bs and I am basically "crazy".

 

So now I am debating. Do I tell his wife, or not. I am pissed and for sure if he doesn't admit to the truth I could send her a copy of his emails and text messages. On the other hand, they have kids, so do I walk away and let him get caught another time?

 

It's so messed up! And to be honest I feel so darn stupid. Stupid and embarrassed.

Edited May 1, 2016 by Luckiestgirl

[whichwayisup]

I hope you broke up with him and never speak to him again. You've not invested much time into him, less than 3 months should be easy to never see or speak to him again. You owe him nothing, just a big old middle finger.

 

IF you do decide to tell his wife just be prepared for him to throw you under the bus and deny the A, make it seem like you chased him knowing full well he was married. Be sure this is what you want to do and it's for the right reasons. (meaning you want what's best for his wife and not hoping she'll divorce him and come running to you and you take him back - Just saying.. It happens, there have been some OW who tell for their own benefit).

 

Either way this guy is a skilled liar and a manipulator so you better have proof that you had no idea he was married otherwise his wife won't believe you.

 

If you don't tell, that's okay too. It's a lot to blow up someone else's life and marriage especially when there are 3 little kids involved. Be 100 percent sure before you do anything, once it's out there you can't take it back.

[SomethingToSay]

Yes tell his wife. Dont do it via facebook or email. Too easy for him to intercept. Best way is to call her. Or send certifued letter she must sign for.

 

She deserves to know. You won't be blowing up the family. He did that.

[Luckiestgirl]

It went on for about 6 months, not like it matters. First as friends, then he wanted more. I didn't want to date anybody really, but he won me over.

 

He portraits himself as single and talks about his wife as the 'ex" etc.. I just checked his messages. What is "good" is that we texted a lot today; you can see that it's me asking him to come clean, to admit he's married, and him denying and saying she is his ex.

 

What bothers me is the kids. They are such good kids. I am disgusted because I can see they don't have a lot of money, and he spent some on me every time he was here, plus flowers, etc..

 

And you're right, I do want a revenge. I don't want the guy back, no way I'd trust him ever again, and I don't see what kind of relationship I'd have with his kids (which is important to me, or was, when he said he had kids).

[2016forme]

I am so sorry for your anger and frustration in that you found out that your boyfriend is a married man. Good thing that you found out early before you got any more involved with this guy! What a jerk! He must have thought that he could string you along and that you would never find out his secretly married life!

 

The choice of telling his wife is solely up to you. The fact that you both live in separate states should make it super easy for you cause at least you don't have to face him in the public.

 

If you feel you want to tell his wife, so that she will know, all depends upon how you handle and choose to bring closure to the situation.

 

The reason you want to expose your former MM is because on the inside, you feel angry, upset, deceived, lied to, betrayed...you feel as though your entire world is upside down!

 

Right now, you may be drowning in a sea of emotions because you feel that his wife needs to know that her husband is a liar and a fraud.

 

My only advice is IF you tell the wife the truth, you are retaliating and acting upon anger. If you informally let the wife know that her husband had been carrying on an illicit affair, being anonymous does not mean you are scared or that you fear for your life.BUT, take precautions because you don't want anything to backfire on you!

 

On the other hand, you can put this behind you, go about your life, start over again and let bygones be bygones. Let the wife find out on her own that her husband has been living a double life.

 

All I am saying is that you did your part and you found out! You got the heck out of the way before something else happens.

 

If you feel that hurt and betrayed, you can seek counseling. There is nothing wrong with that. It means you want closure and you don't want this bad experience to affect you emotionally or psychologically!

 

This situation will trip you out IF you allow it.

 

You don't have to allow this situation to blow your mind completely!

 

Likewise, let the wife find out that her husband is a dog!

 

Don't let someone else's problem become yours! The wife is married to someone who lives a double life. Thank goodness you are not married to someone such as that!

 

Even though you don't want to respond and act out of anger, you don't want this situation hovering over you until it dictates you life.

 

Take control! You are in charge of yourself!

Edited May 2, 2016 by 2016forme

[Luckiestgirl]

At the moment.. he's still trying to convince me that I am wrong, that I should stop accusing him and that there is "so much he's willing to tolerate".

 

He's basically threatening to break up with me (not using the word break up but saying that if I don't stop accusing him, there will be a point of no return).

 

He doesn't know that I found all the pictures and comments, etc.. he just thinks I have his address and a couple things the kids posted. He's a dog for sure.

 

And yes, I am angry. I am not going to pretend I am wondering about telling his wife because I am such a good person. I am just pissed.

 

Two things are stopping me atm, his kids, and the fact that if he's a liar, a manipulator, what if he shows up at my door? Who is he really? The guy is over 6'4"..

[2016forme]

At the moment.. he's still trying to convince me that I am wrong, that I should stop accusing him and that there is "so much he's willing to tolerate".

 

He's basically threatening to break up with me (not using the word break up but saying that if I don't stop accusing him, there will be a point of no return).

 

He doesn't know that I found all the pictures and comments, etc.. he just thinks I have his address and a couple things the kids posted. He's a dog for sure.

 

And yes, I am angry. I am not going to pretend I am wondering about telling his wife because I am such a good person. I am just pissed.

 

Two things are stopping me atm, his kids, and the fact that if he's a liar, a manipulator, what if he shows up at my door? Who is he really? The guy is over 6'4"..

 

 

I totally understand your point. Trust me, I know you are upset and you have every right to be!

 

By him telling you that you need to stop accusing him, I know that by this time, you are rolling your eyes! You know the truth about this guy and he STILL wants to play his game with you! You and I insist that this guy is lying and now he's trying to use reverse psychology by placing the blame on you!

 

I would not belittle myself by getting carried away in this guy's psychological game! He's still trying to run his game by playing you and thinking you don't know anything about his married life! The absolute nerve of him!

 

Things might get messy if you inform his wife that he has been lying and cheating the whole time.

 

So I would not be psyched out by what he says! He is trying to call your bluff!

 

I would cut away from this MM IMMEDIATELY! Don't be fooled by what he says!

 

I just hope the guy will NOT try to seek revenge against you by putting you in danger!

 

Run while you can!

 

Hugs to you!

Edited May 2, 2016 by 2016forme

[LovingDelilah]

Sorry this happened and get out quick. Don't allow him to mess with your head.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Your anger and desire to tell his wife is understandable and completely justified.

 

Noone can tell you what to do. You have to decide on your own. If you do tell his wife, she may react in many different ways.The spectrum of her possible reaction goes from thanking you from the bottom of her heart to calling the National Guard to arrest and execute you as a liar and obssesed home-wrecker. So, if telling her is the path you take - be prepared.

 

It is true what other posters said - if you wanna tell her to win him back, that is the worst possible reason, and the wrong one. You won't get him back by doing it, even if you do - it will be temporary and without strong foundation that every relationship that has a future needs.

 

The most important thing in all this are the kids. They should never suffer or be confused or sad about things the adults can not understand.

 

If I were you, I'd keep my head high, never talk/text him again and just walk away. Don't let yourself being pulled down into the mud and dirt he operates in.

[Luckiestgirl]

I totally understand your point. Trust me, I know you are upset and you have every right to be!

 

By him telling you that you need to stop accusing him, I know that by this time, you are rolling your eyes! You know the truth about this guy and he STILL wants to play his game with you! You and I insist that this guy is lying and now he's trying to use reverse psychology by placing the blame on you!

 

I would not belittle myself by getting carried away in this guy's psychological game! He's still trying to run his game by playing you and thinking you don't know anything about his married life! The absolute nerve of him!

 

Things might get messy if you inform his wife that he has been lying and cheating the whole time.

 

So I would not be psyched out by what he says! He is trying to call your bluff!

 

I would cut away from this MM IMMEDIATELY! Don't be fooled by what he says!

 

I just hope the guy will NOT try to seek revenge against you by putting you in danger!

 

Run while you can!

 

Hugs to you!

 

I don't know why I am letting him try to convince me it's not true. It's like I am enjoying seeing him trying to wiggle his way out of it. Some kind of sadistic pleasure? I don't know.

[whichwayisup]

At the moment.. he's still trying to convince me that I am wrong, that I should stop accusing him and that there is "so much he's willing to tolerate".

 

He's basically threatening to break up with me (not using the word break up but saying that if I don't stop accusing him, there will be a point of no return).

 

He doesn't know that I found all the pictures and comments, etc.. he just thinks I have his address and a couple things the kids posted. He's a dog for sure.

 

And yes, I am angry. I am not going to pretend I am wondering about telling his wife because I am such a good person. I am just pissed.

 

Two things are stopping me atm, his kids, and the fact that if he's a liar, a manipulator, what if he shows up at my door? Who is he really? The guy is over 6'4"..

 

Bolded: I thought YOU ended it with him? You mean you haven't dumped him yet? You're still his 'girlfriend'? End with him immediately and tell him to leave you alone.

 

Slow down, think and be calm down before you tell her anything. You don't want be hysterical and pissed off when you tell her what her husband the truth of what he's been doing behind his back. You need to be in a compassionate frame of mind for her sake and be understanding, not shoot off with both guns blazing and with anger. She'll shut you down and not listen to you if you go at her with anger.

[whichwayisup]

I don't know why I am letting him try to convince me it's not true. It's like I am enjoying seeing him trying to wiggle his way out of it. Some kind of sadistic pleasure? I don't know.

 

Then since you're letting him manipulate you, playing a little game here, all the more reason NOT to tell her until you're sure of what you want 100 percent. No point in opening that door especially if you're still not officially broken up with him and you're giving him the benefit of doubt, even if you're allowing him to believe that.

[underpants]

I disagree that you need to "break up with him", this guy deceived you. Screw that, just get away.

 

I would suggest just dropping contact but do retain the text messages ...in case you want to tell or if you need leverage. Go silent.

 

It is scary, I understand. Physical exercise helps.

 

Research the laws in your state as even if you didn't know (good thinking on getting that evidence), in some states you can be sued.

 

Give yourself some time and space to figure out what is best for you.

 

Good luck and I'm sorry this happened to you. I swear, it seems a lot of married people just view single people as...available, regardless of their own status. smh.

[Luckiestgirl]

Then since you're letting him manipulate you, playing a little game here, all the more reason NOT to tell her until you're sure of what you want 100 percent. No point in opening that door especially if you're still not officially broken up with him and you're giving him the benefit of doubt, even if you're allowing him to believe that.

 

Oh no no, I am done. Believe me, there is no way in hell. I found out about this address last night (asked him about it. He said "no clue"..ha..), and everything else this morning when I decided to check social medias. I then texted him again, which started some ridiculous dance of me asking him to come clean and him denying. I then stopped answering.

 

I think I want to just walk away and not tell her. Unless he pursues me (I mean the dude is nuts so who knows) in which case I'd turn around and tell his wife. That's what I am leaning toward atm.

 

I don't mind dating someone with kids, but I DO mind dating a married man, for sure.

[whichwayisup]

Oh no no, I am done. Believe me, there is no way in hell. I found out about this address last night (asked him about it. He said "no clue"..ha..), and everything else this morning when I decided to check social medias. I then texted him again, which started some ridiculous dance of me asking him to come clean and him denying. I then stopped answering.

 

I think I want to just walk away and not tell her. Unless he pursues me (I mean the dude is nuts so who knows) in which case I'd turn around and tell his wife. That's what I am leaning toward atm.

 

I don't mind dating someone with kids, but I DO mind dating a married man, for sure.

 

Good.

 

You have the right to walk away. Some will say tell her and some won't. I'm in between on that, depending on the people involved, and kids. He's a real shi.t and I doubt you were his first A and doubtful you'll be his last.

 

Make sure he knows that if he contacts you again you will contact his wife, and be prepared to follow through on that threat.

[Bufo]

Are you concerned about retribution from him. (The 6'4" comment) for kicking him to the curb or if you tell his BW?

 

If you tell BW you'll have emptied your quiver. NC doesn't do that.

 

My guess is that this isn't his first trip to Cheatingville. As he is an accomplished liar. BW may have suspected but he is lying to her gas lighting) and she may think she's going crazy. In which case telling her might be a blessing to her.

 

Have you thought of anonymous letter with redacted emails included as proof?

Sure maybe he'll tell her who you are but it's hard for him to play the victim of a seductress when his own words are in print in BWs hands.

 

Just be aware that BW probably won't care that you thought he was divorced. Did any of his emails say. "I'm divorced as you know...." If so that should be first copy she reads.

 

What do you gain long term by telling her?

[underpants]

Good.

 

Make sure he knows that if he contacts you again you will contact his wife, and be prepared to follow through on that threat.

 

Much respect, but why warn this guy?

 

Just keep any contact from him saved and don't respond. Give yourself space to figure out what just happened and may continue to happen to YOU.

 

Ignore him, and if you should decide that exposing him is what you want to do, do it from a very removed and safe space.

 

What a tool.

[SomethingToSay]

Uh well for one a clear conscious and the knowledge you have done the right thing. And your feelings of doing it out of anger or resentment are valid. He should ne dealt consequences. This is the worse kimd of cheater who lies about being single. Do it anonymously if you must but the right thing to do is inform the wife. You can ask on the Infidelity forum if you arent sure and get some great advice there from betrayed wifes. They will all say they would have loved to be told.

 

And why are you still messaging with him? Go No Comtact. Block him. No explanation needed.

[ShatteredLady]

My life has been shattered by adultery. I'm bias to say the least.

 

When I first came to this forum I had no idea that my H was cheating. His behavior had changed drastically. He was being distant & mean. I was recovering from surgery, heavily medicated & honestly felt like I was loosing my mind. I couldn't understand his behavior & I just knew that something was very, very wrong. He was telling me one thing & my instincts were screaming at me the whole time. I couldn't sleep or eat.

 

Taking care of our little kids, being 'perky', patient etc. was so bloody hard. Children are far more perceptive than we often give them credit for. They were reacting to the 'atmosphere' but my life was a never-ending roller coaster AND I had no idea why so nothing I did made any difference.

 

My H had me believing that I'd done something very bad but he wouldn't tell me....he kept saying that if I loved him I'd know & do the right things. If he had to tell me what these 'right things' were I'd only be doing them because he told me & NOT because I loved him!" CRAZY!!!

 

I drove myself insane trying to be the 'perfect' wife but nothing was ever good enough. I believed that I was on trial. If I did everything right I could save my family. If I did anything wrong I would loose everything & it would be all my stupid fault. I was walking on eggshells. With everything else going on in my life I ended-up having panic attacks, crying all the time, sleep deprivation, medicated, health seriously effected, self-esteem destroyed.

 

You can go back & read my first threads. I was a mess!

 

When I finally discovered his affair (After more than SIX MONTHS of the above!) it was almost a relief! Everything suddenly made sense. Fortunately I found emails & receipts. I could create a time-line, fill in all of those missing puzzle pieces. I knew WHY I would twist myself into a pretzel to please him, we would have a lovely night & then the next day he would be cruel to me.

 

Obviously it was devastating & I was in shock for a while but I stopped HATING myself, blaming myself for everything, I found anger & that was so healing after so very many months of self loathing.

 

 

I warned you, I'm very, very bias! I would of wanted you to tell me.

 

In marriage you make so many decisions, many life altering because you're a family, a unit, what's best for my H, my children, us. His wife could be planning on changing jobs, leaving school, having another baby etc etc etc. Things which she wouldn't do if she knew her H was cheating on her. We all deserve to know the truth of our lives.

 

You don't know how she's going to react but I don't know any betrayed spouses who would say "I don't want to know!".

[Grapesofwrath]

I don't know why I am letting him try to convince me it's not true. It's like I am enjoying seeing him trying to wiggle his way out of it. Some kind of sadistic pleasure? I don't know.

 

Careful with this. You have evidence he is a liar. And his anger at you for asking the questions is just further proof. He is attempting to gaslight you. This is a very negative sign. An honest man would do whatever it took to assuage your fears and offer transparency. He's busted and he knows it. The safest, best course of action for you is to back away. Just back away from the whole thing and get it out of your life.

[SomethingToSay]

Shattered, you arent biased. You are evidence. Evidence of the pain and devastation cheating spouses cause. Which sadly most OW dont realize, or want to realize.

 

I hope OP reads your post. Even if she informs the BS out of anger/revenge that is better than not. OP will be able to close this chapter knowing she did what she could. Otherwise she might for years always wonder "I wonder that poor wife is doing, if shes still being cheated on, etc etc"

[2016forme]

Dear luckiest girl,

 

I was thinking that is there a way that you can do yourself a favor and not respond to his email responses? If he calls you, is there a way that you can block his phone number? Can you ignore his texts?

 

If he has a Facebook account, please don't be tempted to look at his social media. I don't know if the guy has Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, is there a way that you can ignore him?

 

You are torturing and fooling yourself by looking into the MM's social media accounts. For example, it may be tempting to look at his Facebook, but DON'T! You will feel bad about the situation and you will feel bad about yourself because by looking at his Facebook, you will be reminded over and over about the heartache and the disappointment you feel.

 

If it gets that serious, you have to protect yourself! Get help while it's still early! Don't give this MM the benefit of the doubt! You have all the evidence you need to know that you are not fooling yourself! Stick with what you know.

 

Play it smart! Be safe and don't take any more chances with MM!

 

In fact, you don't have to email or contact him by saying you are getting away from him.

 

Disappear for as long as you can, with no contact! Period!

 

This guy is trying to manipulate and protect himself and his married life! Don't fall for him, please!

Edited May 2, 2016 by 2016forme

[Poppy47]

For heaven's sake.....

 

Whatever he is, he LIED to you in the first place. Why are you waiting to be convinced?????

 

Poppy.

[Luckiestgirl]

I am not trying to be convinced, or hoping that he has a good explanation. Guys, I KNOW he lied to me. Once I started digging for information, I did not stop. I have learned that so much public information is..well.. public and easily accessed.

 

I am so mad, SO MAD.

 

I woke up this morning and thought.. what the heck did he have in mind? Is he dangerous? Did he love me? Are people going to think I'm stupid? Talk behind my back? So many questions and so many different feelings.

 

I myself lost my mom last year, he met me a few months after. Was I a prey? Did I transfer my feelings? Is it my fault?

[BuddyX]

This is not your fault. You got played. He took advantage of you.

You might be upset because you're crushed while he's got his family-and oh yeah, he displays it on social media.

 

You are looking for answers. But sometimes, it is better to let go. That being said, if he is really showcasing his "fake happiness" on social media I would personally let his wife know.