I just found out he's married

[dreamingoftigers]

If my other man had come to my husband and told him about my having intercourse with him before i told my husband....my marriage most likely would have ended in divorce instead of 33 years of reconciliation.

 

I cannot help but think if your other man told your husband instead of you telling him.... it might have ended the same way.

 

While it may be "morally" the right thing to do...i think it is a bit hypocritical to become morally conscience after having sex with another man. This goes both ways...this is not just about your husband kissing another woman and you wanting to know about it.... this could also be about your having intercourse with another man and your AP telling on you.

 

What is fair for one is fair for the other.

 

She didn't know he was married though.

 

There's nothing "immoral" or about pursuing a relationship with a single man. She isn't to blame for the marital violation AT ALL.

 

In fact, now that she knows about it, she's doing the right thing, not just "oh well, let's bang."

 

So this man victimized her, lied to her and wasted her time.

 

And now "she has some responsibility" for the state of his marriage? No. His actions. His choices. His consequences.

 

I sure wish someone told me much earlier instead of letting me be made a fool of for months as my husband played around.

[oldshirt]

The fact that he was able to pose as a single man and date you without you being aware of his wife and children shows a high degree of forethought and methodology.

 

 

This was not a random office romance where people who worked closely together over time developed feelings and got carried away. This was a premeditated act of deception and false portrayal.

 

 

That means that he has likely done this before and will likely do it again. There is also a very high likelihood that has been spinning plates and is always working a number of women and jockeying them into position.

 

 

It is my opinion that his wife is being intentionally deceived and is living in a false reality that endangers her health (STDs) and threatens the security and stability of her family without her knowledge or consent.

 

 

It is for those reasons that I believe you should disclose your relationship with him and turn over copies of supporting emails, txts, letters and times and places of when you were together and any other corroborating evidence of your affair because she will likely not believe you at first and he will likely try to paint you as a desperate and misguided naïve girl who misinterpreted some compliments and flirtations.

 

 

If you were to disclose this information, then she can make an informed decision on what to do about it.

 

 

It is a risk she may toss him out and file for divorce and break up the family. But she would be able to do so by her own choice and on her own terms and on her own timelines and would be able to have time and resources to prepare her case.

 

 

If he were to leave her and the kids for an affair partner, she would be caught blindsided and be behind the eight ball while he plots his departure.

 

 

And there is the possibility that she may chose to stay and address things in a manner she sees fit.

 

 

The bottom line is that it would be an informed decision based on reality.

 

 

If the they split up, it would be by his actions and her decision. You would not be responsible for it.

 

 

Where as if he were to really screw her and the kids over and blindside them, you would be partially responsible for their plight due to withholding critical information.

[Mrs. John Adams]

She didn't know he was married though.

 

There's nothing "immoral" or about pursuing a relationship with a single man. She isn't to blame for the marital violation AT ALL.

 

In fact, now that she knows about it, she's doing the right thing, not just "oh well, let's bang."

 

So this man victimized her, lied to her and wasted her time.

 

And now "she has some responsibility" for the state of his marriage? No. His actions. His choices. His consequences.

 

I sure wish someone told me much earlier instead of letting me be made a fool of for months as my husband played around.

 

I am NOT in any way blaming this woman for this mans behavior.....he is responsible for his behavior...not her....i am sorry if my post gave that impression...I repeat....I am not in any way blaming this woman for the husbands illicit behavior.

 

and i understand that you wished SOMEONE would have told you ...but how would you have received the other woman telling you? you too are in reconciliation with your wayward....right? If his mistress had come to you and told you....would it have affected your reconciliation? I don't think the other woman is the person I would want to tell me....I would question her motives and I would most likely think she is a liar.

[ShatteredLady]

As a bs I couldn't care less what her motivations are. What difference does that make to ME? I'm being selfish. I care about my family, my life.

 

Having a creep for a H who is pulling off this level of deception is NEVER going to give his wife a happily ever after. It's all going to end in tears, HERS! Sooner rather than later & the OP is the 'soonest' way for her to discover the truth of her life.

[ShatteredLady]

A letter with copies of correspondence that I could study & compare to my timeline would of been best for me.

[Mrs. John Adams]

As a bs I couldn't care less what her motivations are. What difference does that make to ME? I'm being selfish. I care about my family, my life.

 

Having a creep for a H who is pulling off this level of deception is NEVER going to give his wife a happily ever after. It's all going to end in tears, HERS! Sooner rather than later & the OP is the 'soonest' way for her to discover the truth of her life.

 

so if this woman came to you and gave you all this information...you would automatically believe her....?

 

Remember...you would not know your husband was a creep....you would not be aware that he was cheating. All you would know is this strange woman is telling you stuff about your husband.....

 

If you honestly would just accept and believe what she is telling you....you are a much better woman than me. I would not believe a word she said and would most likely try to hurt her.

[ShatteredLady]

If I were to receive evidence in the post I would mull on it. How would some stranger know how to write like my husband & know dates, have photos etc? 'Pandora's Box' I'd just have to open it!

 

I believe that most bs have some instinct that things aren't right anyway.

 

Even if not....it would set the wheels in action.

 

I KNEW as soon as I started to read the first message on linked-in. I hadn't finished the first paragraph when so very much started to fall into place.

 

 

I would want to know.

 

I would know as I started to read copies of correspondence. How I would CHOOSE to respond would be MY CHOICE. What is a person who has no choice, knowledge, understanding etc in their own life?

[Mrs. John Adams]

If I were to receive evidence in the post I would mull on it. How would some stranger know how to write like my husband & know dates, have photos etc? 'Pandora's Box' I'd just have to open it!

 

I believe that most bs have some instinct that things aren't right anyway.

 

Even if not....it would set the wheels in action.

 

I KNEW as soon as I started to read the first message on linked-in. I hadn't finished the first paragraph when so very much started to fall into place.

 

 

I would want to know.

 

I would know as I started to read copies of correspondence. How I would CHOOSE to respond would be MY CHOICE. What is a person who has no choice, knowledge, understanding etc in their own life?

 

I had no idea mr adams was involved with another woman. He could have kept it a secret the rest of his life and i would never have known.

 

If his other woman had told me about their relationship ...I can tell you without hesitation....I would not have believed her and I probably would have tried to get back at her.

 

Does this wife have a right to know? yes...should this other woman be the one to tell her? I don't think so.

 

You would want to know.....and you don't care who tells you. I would not want to know and I especially would not want to know from the other woman.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am NOT in any way blaming this woman for this mans behavior.....he is responsible for his behavior...not her....i am sorry if my post gave that impression...I repeat....I am not in any way blaming this woman for the husbands illicit behavior.

 

and i understand that you wished SOMEONE would have told you ...but how would you have received the other woman telling you? you too are in reconciliation with your wayward....right? If his mistress had come to you and told you....would it have affected your reconciliation? I don't think the other woman is the person I would want to tell me....I would question her motives and I would most likely think she is a liar.

 

I am not saying this to be difficult.

 

But I think the source of the truth doesn't matter.

 

My mother was warned via a source she didn't prefer about my father's infidelity, and she reacted poorly, while I stood next to her smacking my forehead in confusion as to why she couldn't see the obvious.

 

Frankly, a "spurned" women would be the most likely source of disclosure.

 

When my husband's cheating came out, he didn't have half of a chance of covering it with a whole "don't you trust me? Would I lie to you?" wail. I had just seen my father betray his wife of forty years (my mother).

 

I also grew up Catholic. So, erm, i get that people who appeae trustworthy can really do a lot of damage. The position people in life occupy don't describe how trustworthy they are.

 

That's not to say I didn't trust my husband. I did until the evidence presented otherwise. Then, there was no going back.

 

I'll put it this way: if some spurned, angry girl calls me up telling me what a jerk my husband is, you BET I am going to listen. I mean, it isn't going to be my local State Farm rep calling, right?

[dreamingoftigers]

so if this woman came to you and gave you all this information...you would automatically believe her....?

 

Remember...you would not know your husband was a creep....you would not be aware that he was cheating. All you would know is this strange woman is telling you stuff about your husband.....

 

If you honestly would just accept and believe what she is telling you....you are a much better woman than me. I would not believe a word she said and would most likely try to hurt her.

 

I asked my husband for a polygraph.

 

He nearly crapped bricks.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am not saying this to be difficult.

 

But I think the source of the truth doesn't matter.

 

My mother was warned via a source she didn't prefer about my father's infidelity, and she reacted poorly, while I stood next to her smacking my forehead in confusion as to why she couldn't see the obvious.

 

Frankly, a "spurned" women would be the most likely source of disclosure.

 

When my husband's cheating came out, he didn't have half of a chance of covering it with a whole "don't you trust me? Would I lie to you?" wail. I had just seen my father betray his wife of forty years (my mother).

 

I also grew up Catholic. So, erm, i get that people who appeae trustworthy can really do a lot of damage. The position people in life occupy don't describe how trustworthy they are.

 

That's not to say I didn't trust my husband. I did until the evidence presented otherwise. Then, there was no going back.

 

I'll put it this way: if some spurned, angry girl calls me up telling me what a jerk my husband is, you BET I am going to listen. I mean, it isn't going to be my local State Farm rep calling, right?

 

I understand....you have a lot of history in this kind of situation. You want to know and you don't care who tells you.

 

If my best friend told me...if my mom told me....if my pastor told me....I would have a different response.

 

the other woman? nope

[Mrs. John Adams]

I asked my husband for a polygraph.

 

He nearly crapped bricks.

 

BLess your heart....I hope he got hemoroids:p

 

I might have asked...and if he denied..I would not have even known what a polygraph was.

[Joie]

BS here...

 

Would I have wanted to find out from my husband's other woman NO! My H's OW knew he was married. If she didn't care during the affair, f*** her. I don't believe anything she says now.

 

Would I want to find out from someone like you? Yes! However, be prepared. She may not want to believe you or want the details. My counselor suggested I never ask a question that I didn't want the answer to. If you decide to tell her: Simply notify her that you had a relationship with him, you believed he was single, and that when you found out he was married you ended it.

 

She may want more information or she may want to bury her head in the sand. What she does is not your concern. You did the right thing.

 

Best of Luck!

[ShatteredLady]

Maybe the next duped OW will tell her, or the next. She may find a receipt in 10 years. She might be 8 months pregnant with the baby they are now planning. She may have remortgaged the house to support some lame business idea he has. She could be planning anything based on the perceived longevity of their marriage.

 

Don't care who tells me!

 

My life was a living hell when I didn't know why my life had suddenly turned to s**t. Even if it's 1 in 10, 1 in 50 who endure what I did, the guilt, the insanity, self hatred. I'd tell to save 1 in 1,000,000 what I experienced vs Why she doesn't need to know....

 

Should she know? That's all it comes down to. Is ignorance bliss?

[oldshirt]

I had no idea mr adams was involved with another woman. He could have kept it a secret the rest of his life and i would never have known.

 

If his other woman had told me about their relationship ...I can tell you without hesitation....I would not have believed her and I probably would have tried to get back at her.

 

Does this wife have a right to know? yes...should this other woman be the one to tell her? I don't think so.

 

You would want to know.....and you don't care who tells you. I would not want to know and I especially would not want to know from the other woman.

 

 

That is why I suggested turning over emails, txts, correspondence etc etc along with accounts of dates and times and locations etc. Any pictures or momentos, any distinguishing marks on his body or any particular kinks or fetishes he likes in bed.

 

 

People can choose to make up excuses why they shouldn't believe, but in their hearts they know.

 

 

If the wife chooses to take the head-in-the-sand approach, that is her choice. But at least it is an informed choice. Whether she chooses to accept it or not and what she does about it is on her - but at least the OP will have done what is right.

[spanz1]

. She may not want to believe you or want the details.

 

that is quite possible.

It does seem vengeful to tell the wife, but on the other hand you do not want him fooling future women!

 

not sure what i would do. I would probably chose to remain silent, just because it is the least troublesome path.

[Mrs. John Adams]

That is why I suggested turning over emails, txts, correspondence etc etc along with accounts of dates and times and locations etc. Any pictures or momentos, any distinguishing marks on his body or any particular kinks or fetishes he likes in bed.

 

 

People can choose to make up excuses why they shouldn't believe, but in their hearts they know.

 

 

If the wife chooses to take the head-in-the-sand approach, that is her choice. But at least it is an informed choice. Whether she chooses to accept it or not and what she does about it is on her - but at least the OP will have done what is right.

 

In my case....my husband confessed......and no I did not know in my heart. There are a lot of folks...who have no clue their spouse is cheating...happens everyday.

 

and I appreciate that you have a different opinion than i do that this op should tell. I am very bothered by her intent in telling.

 

It is a far different thing to tell a good friend that you saw her husband with someone else...and an angry other woman telling her.

 

I have not said in all cases keep your mouth shut. I am answering this particular op. She is angry and wants revenge....so the way to get it? I will tell the wife. Her intentions are not to help the wife...they are to punish the husband.

[katielee]

That is why I suggested turning over emails, txts, correspondence etc etc along with accounts of dates and times and locations etc. Any pictures or momentos, any distinguishing marks on his body or any particular kinks or fetishes he likes in bed.

 

 

 

yep, that's why I said with evidence. I wouldn't care what the motive was or who told me (although ideally it would be my spouse), I'd just want to know.

[Luckiestgirl]

 

This other woman is asking if she should tell her affair partners wife...and I agree the wife needs to be told ....but by her husband...not by his lover.

 

We should have been morally conscience before we took off our pants for another man

 

Ahem.. you may have taken your pants off for another man, but I didn't. To my knowledge he was my boyfriend, not my lover.

 

I agree that his wife might not believe me and think I'm some kind of psycho (although I doubt it, I have the feeling she knows he's a cheater), but I know who I am, and I am not someone who sleeps with someone's husband knowingly.

[Joie]

Normally, I do think motive and intent play a big role in notifying the other person. It is specifically why I never to the OW's H about the affair. My sole and only motivation was to hurt the OW.

 

But I do think it is different when a person didn't willing enter into an affair. Her intent when she started dating this man was that she wanted to have a relationship with an available man. She didn't know he was married. I look at her intent when the relationship started.

 

However, if she tells the W in a mean and hurtful manner or does so because she is hoping to get the man back then I wouldn't support her decision to tell.

[Liam1]

Here is what happened to me: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/579645-i-just-found-out-he-s-married

 

Someone mentioned in my other post that I should ask for advice here.

 

I was dating a man who is married, and who depicted himself to me as a single dad, divorced. I had no clue he was married with 3 kids and a wife who is living with them.

 

I am angry, humiliated.

 

I don't know if I should tell his wife. I want to, but is it the best decision? I have proof that I did not know. They have kids, what of them if I tell her?

 

How do I broach the subject if I tell her? "Hello, first I want you to know that I didn't know he was your husband, but I want to inform you that he and I were dating for months till I smarted up and discovered that he was a filthy bag of lies?"

 

if I don't tell her, do I give them a chance at keeping their family intact? I mean the guy is the one who lied, but still. I am motivated by anger and revenge, to be honest.

 

Would I want to know? I don't know.

 

In his case he mentioned "dates" and a girl he used to date 3 years back. That was fine when he told me that, as I thought he was a single guy. What it means though is that he's an habitual cheater.

 

Would you want to know? How?

 

IMO, You need to alert her to his behavior.

 

It will either save her marriage or blow it up. Either way she has right to know so she can make an informed decision about the marriage.

 

She may get angry, when you first call her, even though you have proof, Still that is inot a very intellectual or reasonable response.

 

I think most reasonable people, if you have PROOF of the relationship, will listen with an open mind to what you have to say because it is in their best interest to do so.

 

She may very well feel that she would have preferred to NOT know, at least at first, but in the end she will likely be glad she knows the truth.

 

If she does not believe you even with proof, she remains ignorant at her own peril.

 

IMO, very few intelligent people will totally ignore your proof and instead shoot the messenger.

 

Now, if you do not have proof, she may think you are just a jilted female.

 

Whatever your motive for telling, you are doing the right thing by cluing her in to her husband's behaviors

Edited May 5, 2016 by Liam1

[Liam1]

 

People can choose to make up excuses why they shouldn't believe, but in their hearts they know.

 

 

If the wife chooses to take the head-in-the-sand approach, that is her choice. But at least it is an informed choice. Whether she chooses to accept it or not and what she does about it is on her - but at least the OP will have done what is right.

 

I agree. If there is proof of his infidelity, the wife would be foolish not to believe the OW, but at least she is making an informed decision to keep her head firmly planted in the sand, rather than living a false reality.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Ahem.. you may have taken your pants off for another man, but I didn't. To my knowledge he was my boyfriend, not my lover.

 

I agree that his wife might not believe me and think I'm some kind of psycho (although I doubt it, I have the feeling she knows he's a cheater), but I know who I am, and I am not someone who sleeps with someone's husband knowingly.

 

So this was a boyfriend that you did not have sex with? If that's the case it makes this whole thing even more interesting.

 

and for the record...the statement of mine that you quoted was not directed at you...it was directed at myself and katielee.

sorry for that misunderstanding.

 

You need to do what you think is right and best in this situation.

you asked the question Do you regret finding out he/she was cheating?

 

I did not find out from someone else my husband cheated...he did not find out from someone else that i cheated. So

I guess in reality...I cannot answer your direct question.

[Whatnotagain]

OP, listen to the advice of the betrayed and not to the advice of the cheaters. As a betrayed spouse I welcomed any information about my wife's involvement no matter the source. It was then up to me to discern how I should accept this information. By not telling you are not giving the other person the truth they need to make their own decision. They need truth and they are not getting it from their cheating spouses.

 

Truth is not revenge.

[Robert]

Note from moderation: We have merged two threads about the same topic. It appears there has been some confusion about where to post. There is guidance for this in the pinned threads at the top of both the OM/OW forum, as well as the Infidelity forum.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/325385-am-i-posting-right-forum-read-here-update-july-30-2013-a

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/326395-you-right-forum-update-july-30-2013-a

 

Thanks,

~6