I just found out he's married

[mamabear32018]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I am married and I would want to know but I would want to hear it from my husband.

[NTV]

I think you should tell his wife. Because you're angry? revenge? justice? It doesn't matter, because it's the right thing to do. If I jumped in front of a bus saving a kids life because I wanted to be on TV, or because I was giving up, or because I didn't think first.... none of those reasons matter to the kid and the parents of that kid. They're just happy the kid's okay.

 

 

It's the same thing. I think you should tell. Regardless of your motivations. And yes, if you have evidence, definitely include that too.

[Luckiestgirl]

By her own admission she is angry...so why does she want to tell? Revenge? Jealousy? self pity?

 

She is not the one to tell his wife. If she wants to get revenge for being duped....then threaten him that you will make sure she finds out. Chances are he will confess just like the hundreds of others here with this same story.

 

Would you rather your husband confess to you...or be confronted by his lover?

 

I want my husband to confess not have his lover tell me.....

The minute someone cheats, he/she loses the right to decide who gets to tell who and when.

 

If I had stepped in this relationship willingly or hadnt called it off when I learned he was a liar, I could see how I wouldnt have the right to be angry. Thing is, I was cheated, just like his wife.

 

Cheaters rarely confess. They get caught or they get pressured into confessing.

[Grapesofwrath]

A few years ago, I was dating a serial cheater. (We were not married, and I know that makes all the difference, but the feelings are similar.) I had caught him cheating before, and caught him again by viewing texts in his phone from another woman he was seeing. It appeared she was unaware that he had a girlfriend.

 

I got her number from his phone and contacted her. I let her know the truth and she was shocked and horrified. She was very apologetic and assured me she had no idea he was seeing someone else. She seemed quite hurt to discover his deception. She assured me she would have nothing further to do with him.

 

A few weeks later, I saw more messages between the two of them indicating they were still on good terms. Who knows what was really going on there. I am glad I reached out to her, though, because I gave her the information. Then she was free to do what she wished with it. As was I. I walked away.

[bewell]

I know you probably don't want to hear this but RUN as fast as you can and do NO CONTACT. Don't even allow yourself to get into this mess. DON'T. It's not worth anything. I realize it's tough to let go but for your own well-being, it's for the best. I wish I had walked out on my xMM at the very beginning when I found out he is married but by then we were already too deeply hooked to let go. Don't allow yourself the torment. Take care.

[whatatangledweb]

I would not want anyone to tell me but my husband. It would be very bad if the OW told me. I had enough anger for both and her contacting me would have given me the reason to take it out on her. I left her alone and never contacted her not even when she did. We both ignored her and blocked the way she did it.

[ShatteredLady]

If your H was NEVER going to tell you. If your H had schemed to deceive an innocent woman into believing that he was an elegable single man you wouldn't want her to inform you?

 

If that was his 'game' would you rather live in ignorance until you found some evidence & dealt with the nightmare of stonewalling & trickle truth...or worse contracted a STD?

 

Of course I would want my H to feel incredible guilt & confess to me because he just couldn't live with the decept anymore! Some men aren't like that. This is about not knowing, living a lie OR receiving evidence from an INNOCENT lady.

[Mrs. John Adams]

The minute someone cheats, he/she loses the right to decide who gets to tell who and when.

 

If I had stepped in this relationship willingly or hadnt called it off when I learned he was a liar, I could see how I wouldnt have the right to be angry. Thing is, I was cheated, just like his wife.

 

Cheaters rarely confess. They get caught or they get pressured into confessing.

 

well i confessed...my husband confessed...katielee confessed.....

 

so I would say some cheaters do indeed confess

 

 

and no you were not cheated like his wife.......

 

you are not his wife....you do not have his children....and you have no right to his money....nothing

 

You may be his girlfriend...and he may have lied to you....but you have absolutely no legal rights at all. I do understand your anger....none of us like to be played...but focus that anger to the one who wronged you...not to his wife...and certainly not to me.

 

He may have lost his he/she loses the right to decide who gets to tell who and when.

but not to you...you are the other woman.....no matter how much that hurts...no matter how degrading...it is a fact.

 

I agree this man is scum....I agree he needs someone to take him down.....but it will be his wife who has the final say...even if you tell her....it won't be you.

[Maddieandtae]

Luckiestgirl, what a horrid situation. In my opinion from what I have read you have been betrayed, unfortunately because the man in question has a wife a lot of people place their sympathies with the betrayed spouse. Such a terrible place for you to be, in between this married couple with your hurt not really being validated:( I was a betrayed wife and also a betrayed girlfriend and I myself would have taken the information from the persons my ex-h and bf were involved with. I wouldn't have helped them with their hurt but I sure as heck would have helped myself with the missing pieces I was finally given. Being lied too and made to feel like you are crazy is NOT an good feeling. I would not have cared about the motive and I certainly would not have taken out anything on these persons. That would have been saved for the lying cheaters I was involved with!

Edited May 6, 2016 by Maddieandtae
...

[harrybrown]

if my wife was cheating, or still cheating, I would want to know.

 

Send her the information.

[underpants]

well i confessed...my husband confessed...katielee confessed.....

 

so I would say some cheaters do indeed confess

 

 

and no you were not cheated like his wife.......

 

you are not his wife....you do not have his children....and you have no right to his money....nothing

 

You may be his girlfriend...and he may have lied to you....but you have absolutely no legal rights at all. I do understand your anger....none of us like to be played...but focus that anger to the one who wronged you...not to his wife...and certainly not to me.

 

He may have lost his he/she loses the right to decide who gets to tell who and when.

but not to you...you are the other woman.....no matter how much that hurts...no matter how degrading...it is a fact.

 

I agree this man is scum....I agree he needs someone to take him down.....but it will be his wife who has the final say...even if you tell her....it won't be you.

 

With all due respect, I disagree.

 

Glad some confess, this guy is not going to do that. In your stories were you also lying and portraying yourself as single and available to your affair partners? Just curious.

 

As an aside, with regards to rights to money, actually in some states/cases the perceived other woman can sue. I myself sat on a jury and she won, although I talked that figure way down, she walked away with over 100k judgement. It happens.

 

This guy perpetrated a fraud against LuckiestGirl. She was deceived and betrayed and her pain is very much valid. Would you criticize a rape victim? Instead of roofees, this guy fed her lies.

 

LuckiestGirl, you are indeed Lucky. You got away, he is a predator. You are not the 'other woman', you are a victim. It is not degrading if you find your power and stand up for yourself. This was in no way your fault, he tricked you. Revenge, meh, think of it as righteous vengeance.

 

Another thing to think about is if you say nothing and he goes on to victimize other women. That thought and wanting him to never ever think he could mess with me again is what led me to do what was (for me) the right thing and disclose. I have no regrets in doing so. It actually helped me heal from that experience and his now ex got to make an informed decision and was actually relieved as she had been gas lighted for some time.

 

Most of the responses have been to tell, I found the same when I created my own thread. I took a month or so to decide. While yes, I was angry, very angry and wrote my letter (to vent) at first. I took time to make sure it was coming from a 'for the greater good' place. I also wanted to make sure I was in a place where I was not invested in how any reaction, blow back or judgement would effect me. It was simply a I didn't know, you should know, I will not intrude on your life further, kind letter. I did include dates locations and other facts. I did create a throw away email in case she had more questions, and she did. I got to see the first reaction that way and decide whether to respond. She was nice so I answered her questions.

 

Now the delivery was tricky, but if you decide you want to go through with it. I would advise a restricted registered letter (only she can sign for it at the post office) to her home/work address if you can find that. Social media is tricky. In my case I found out that he had all her passwords and was home most days so any attempts there would have been intercepted. She did confirm this. I would imagine you could go through what seems like a friend or relative of hers through social media. Or if they own a house you could try to find the mailing address.

 

I do hope you are doing alright and do check back and let us know what you decided.

 

I'm rooting for you. Just so you know, you have no where to go but up hon.

 

You are lucky, even if you don't see it yet. You are.

[Miss Clavel]

Hello

 

he is.. MARRIED.

 

 

 

So now I am debating. Do I tell his wife, or not. I am pissed and for sure if he doesn't admit to the truth I could send her a copy of his emails and text messages. On the other hand, they have kids, so do I walk away and let him get caught another time?

 

It's so messed up! And to be honest I feel so darn stupid. Stupid and embarrassed.

 

i say TELL. just do it. she needs to know.

[yodelwithyu]

I have no advice for you, though I wish I had...anything. I just wanted to let you know how very sorry I am that you went through this. You sound very strong. It will see you through the dark days. You will be in my thoughts.

 

Love,

Y