Opium Posted June 20, 2005 Share Posted June 20, 2005 I was in my bed last night and I started thinking about Grudges and Anger! I've had some hard times with my bf (we've been together for 2 years) and I was wondering, how do you put these grudges and anger aside. What I'm trying to ask is, How do you forgive and move on? People can sometimes be cruel and do/say hurtful things as you may do things to others as well, but how do you just say f*ck it and forgive them for whatever it is they did? Now, I'm not talking about cheating or abuse, I'm talking about things that get you upset and angry with a person. Things that get to you and you don't know why? It's hard to forget the things people do to you but in the end no one's perfect and we all make mistakes. But how do you know someones being honest and truthful when they say "I'm sorry or Can you forgive me"? What if you can't, do you just let this person vanish out of your life? It's a lot of question but I'm just wondering how others deal with FORGIVENESS! Are you the type of person to hold grudges? Personally, full me once shame on you, full me twice shame on me!! Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted June 20, 2005 Share Posted June 20, 2005 I think you can forgive but you really never forget. To forgive someone I have to realize that my anger is only hurting me( in the long run and I am not an angry person by nature). The person your anger is directed to probably doesn't even know or care that your angry. Forgiveness is really about realizing that people make mistakes and moving on. You need to forgive so you can get over your anger. It is the only way for closure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Opium Posted June 20, 2005 Author Share Posted June 20, 2005 Originally posted by Marshbear I think you can forgive but you really never forget. To forgive someone I have to realize that my anger is only hurting me( in the long run and I am not an angry person by nature). The person your anger is directed to probably doesn't even know or care that your angry. Forgiveness is really about realizing that people make mistakes and moving on. You need to forgive so you can get over your anger. It is the only way for closure. You make a good point but once the anger is over you get to the hurt, then the sad, then the I'll forigve but won't forget. But getting past the anger is getting harder and harder, oh golly g witikers I just want to stop being angry. Link to post Share on other sites
Cupcake Posted June 20, 2005 Share Posted June 20, 2005 I am also struggling with the concept of forgiving and forgetting too. But first, whoever said, 'to forgive is to forget as well' ?? I think it's some type of religious phrase, and I'm not religious at all. Therefore, I just don't get it. But anyway.. It's difficult to forgive a person when they've wronged you. When they ask for your forgiveness, it is easier, but the memory of the past sometimes lingers. I think the first step is accepting the fact that you will never forget anything that has ever mattered to you, unless you get amnesia, or something similar. In that case, both you and the person you forgive must take precautions to secure that the wrong is never committed again. Then, you can truly believe that their apology was true. Depending on the situation, it may be best to only forgive and to never forget. You shouldn't risk repeating the same mistakes simply because you forgive someone. Forgiveness is just a matter of not holding the person responsible for the wrong they committed, intentional or unintentional. By forgiving someone, you don't wish any negativity or revenge against the person. As long as you live, you should always forgive no matter what. You don't have to trust the person, especially if they haven't asked for your forgiveness. You don't even have to associate with the person. Just move on with your life without any thoughts or feelings towards the person at all. Clearly, if you ever forget about the wrongfulness, then you won't have to worry about forgiveness at all. It will be apparent. Sometimes, we have to forgive, even when the person hasn't asked for it. This type of forgiveness is totally for self-healing purposes, not the other person. In this case, it's better to accept that you can not trust this person. I handle it best by attributing the persons actions to something. It doesn't really matter what it is, as long as it provides an explanation for their actions and it's something intangible that you can't hold on to. For example, when my last boyfriend cheated on me, I blamed his state of mind. It became easier for me to disassociate him from his actions and stop being angry at him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Opium Posted June 20, 2005 Author Share Posted June 20, 2005 Sometimes, we have to forgive, even when the person hasn't asked for it. This type of forgiveness is totally for self-healing purposes, not the other person. This make me think a lot. Thank you for your kind words, much thought went into them. That's the part I'm dealing with, giving forgiveness when the other person hasn't or even thought they did something wrong. It is sometimes very helpful to put aside the anger and forgive to make yourself a healthier person and to move on. Life's to short to torment yourself with such anger and madness. Learn to forgive, that's one of the hardest things I still haven't learn to do well. Link to post Share on other sites
HotCaliGirl Posted June 20, 2005 Share Posted June 20, 2005 I forgave 2 people today - One had apologized and asked for forgiveness last week but I was too angry to accept it, the other never admitted he was at fault when he was and I thought I'd never forgive him. I spoke to the one who apologized last week and it made me feel better with a load off, otherwise whenever I thought of him I put too much energy in the anger. The 2nd one, as soon as I sent a friendly email, after contemplating of ever letting go of what he did, it felt like a big relief with less to take up space in my mind. I can't remember ever regretting a time I forgave someone. On the other hand, those I have not forgiven still upset me when I think of them so when the time is right I know the right thing to do is to forgive. It makes you feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Opium Posted June 20, 2005 Author Share Posted June 20, 2005 Originally posted by HotCaliGirl I forgave 2 people today - One had apologized and asked for forgiveness last week but I was too angry to accept it, the other never admitted he was at fault when he was and I thought I'd never forgive him. I spoke to the one who apologized last week and it made me feel better with a load off, otherwise whenever I thought of him I put too much energy in the anger. The 2nd one, as soon as I sent a friendly email, after contemplating of ever letting go of what he did, it felt like a big relief with less to take up space in my mind. I can't remember ever regretting a time I forgave someone. On the other hand, those I have not forgiven still upset me when I think of them so when the time is right I know the right thing to do is to forgive. It makes you feel better. See that's what bothers me, the fact that don't like to hold grudges or be in a fight with someone especially with someone I love but I just can't let go. Maybe the scare is to fresh to forgive yet, but I can't help to have this anger. I want to let it go, but I have a feeling it will stay with me forever. He didn't cheat so it's not like I can't EVER forgive him, it's just I'm hurt. I guess that's the bottom line. Link to post Share on other sites
Jade30 Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 I think you can forgive but you really never forget. To forgive someone I have to realize that my anger is only hurting me( in the long run and I am not an angry person by nature). Truthful statement if there ever was one. I am a person who holds a grudge and I can hold it for a very very very very very (think you get the puctire) long time. That was me.....about 5 years ago. After I met my husband he taught me the above statement and I live by it. The sooner you forgive a person and not hold a grudge the better you'll feel inside. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 I think it's best to either forgive the person or forget them. Link to post Share on other sites
griftymcgriff Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Thats the same with me, i cant help think about stupid things that get into my mind which drive me to depression. Past things that have occured. I forgave them, but they still make me sad at times. I'm not sure if its correct, but i would try and talk it out with your partner. It might help you forgive them and your anger will subside? ...ofcourse when i try to talk it out, it ends up in her wanting to be alone or her being sad at me for thinking them heh. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 I suffered some horrible abuse in my childhood. Carrying all the anger and hate was eating me up inside. During therapy I told my therapist that I could forgive these people if they would just ask for it. Problem was, they didn't think they'd done anything wrong. My therapist told me that eventually I'd have to consider the fact that they might never ask for my forgiveness and what would that do to me? Sure, it would have been a wonderful Hallmark moment if they had asked me for forgiveness but I had to face that wasn't going to happen. So, I forgave my mother. Sure, I still remember the things she did to me and I still get angry but I have forgiven her. I didn't forgive my stepfather. I'm just not there yet- but the forgiveness will be for me and not for him. I'm also a Christian. I figure that if Jesus can forgive me for all of the sins I've committed in my life, then who am I not to forgive someone else? I'm certainly not worthy of his forgiveness but I have it anyway. You have to think about what you're capable of. This was my mother- and it would have been a whole lot easier to cut someone else out of my life or forgive them- if it were a boyfriend or such. If he's been that horrible, perhaps you need to think about finding someone who treats you like you deserve to be treated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Opium Posted June 28, 2005 Author Share Posted June 28, 2005 You have to think about what you're capable of. This was my mother- and it would have been a whole lot easier to cut someone else out of my life or forgive them- if it were a boyfriend or such. If he's been that horrible, perhaps you need to think about finding someone who treats you like you deserve to be treated. Your so right in so many ways, but I just want to say he does treat good. To good sometimes but it was just this one time where I think I took it to far and got a little too mad at him. I did forgive him, of course on my time, but a little tickle in my heart is still NOT angry but sad. I wish I wouldn't have gotten this far but I was hurt, and when your hurt you do stupid things sometimes. But besides my bf and what he's done, forgiving someone is hard. Whether it's a friend, family member, bf or whatever, it's hard. Those feelings eventually pop up once or twice and it just reminds you of how you felt at the time and it just recylces. God has a funny way of teaching us things. Link to post Share on other sites
Illusion24 Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Forgive...That's easy, I can forgive...But I can't forget, that's the hard part...My mind takes over me sometimes! Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 I always find it hard to hold against anyone, worse I will try not to face the person but if the person comes to me I will meet warmly. I can never take revenge. But there is one person in this world whom I will never forgive and never forget. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 This is a hard one... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Opium Posted June 28, 2005 Author Share Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer This is a hard one... Westernxer has nothing to say, I did it J/k Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by Opium Westernxer has nothing to say, I did it J/k Giving me a hard time? That's okay... I forgive you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Opium Posted June 28, 2005 Author Share Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer Giving me a hard time? That's okay... I forgive you. Can you forget too?? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by Opium Can you forget too?? What? Who are you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Opium Posted June 28, 2005 Author Share Posted June 28, 2005 Just pulling your stings, no need to start all the military questions? LOL It's the subject at hand, forgive and forget! Link to post Share on other sites
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