She came back, and I said no! Am I mistaken? Help!

[The Prototype]

I was broken up with my my GF of 1.5 years in April. She said she was not feeling like my number one priority, and that she wasn't feeling the love she needed from me. i was busy as hell with two grad classes, plus work, but it was only one semester. She broke up with me 3 weeks before I had a major paper due and finals, it was devastating to get through those weeks. Within 2 weeks, she had started hanging with/dating another guy, whom she quickly broke things off with. She said she realized she was rebounding, and that he wasn't the guy she wanted.

 

She came back to nme two weeks ago, and we had it out over things. We began talking, and hanging out, and she has said that she now realizes more than ever I am the man for her. She apologized for running away before, and for not communicating better. She said it kills her to think that she had me before, and lost it. All in all, she has been very remoresful and contrite, and has said all the right things. A friend of mien has told me she can't have learned anything in this short time, and has said "girls can be very manipulative and say things they know will have an impact". I take everything he says with agrain of salt though, since he is jaded and cynical due to past experience.

 

The problem is, I feel like it has all happened too fast. My heart says "jump back in", because it is amazing, and feels so good. But my head (and some relationship experts) think it is too soon for clarity. So I told her we neded not to talk for awhile. I could tell she was already feeling unhappy with me dating other people, or talking to other girls when she came back. She essentially wants more than I was ready go give her. She said she would be waiting for me when I realized what I wanted. I told her I still care for and love her, but that this has been a rollercoaster and we need to make these decisions with clear heads, not clouded by emotion.

 

So did I blow it? I don't know if she is the girl for me or not, but I am afraid if she is, I would lose her love if in 2 or 3 months I come to her and tell her my feelings. I feel like I have earned some leevrage here to figure things out, given that she asked me to do the same thing 2.5 months ago. I guess I felt like this was the prudent thing to do, but I also feel like sometimes just going with my feelings and making myself happy. Any thoughts or opinions?

[ReluctantRomeo]

Well, how did you feel while you were still dating the first time? Do you feel she's worth keeping?

 

And do you think you can resolve the priority issue with some kind of long term compromise or understanding?

 

Don't do this out of fear, but because you think she's the girl for you.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by The Prototype

I was broken up with my my GF of 1.5 years in April. She said she was not feeling like my number one priority, and that she wasn't feeling the love she needed from me. i was busy as hell with two grad classes, plus work, but it was only one semester. She broke up with me 3 weeks before I had a major paper due and finals, it was devastating to get through those weeks. Within 2 weeks, she had started hanging with/dating another guy, whom she quickly broke things off with. She said she realized she was rebounding, and that he wasn't the guy she wanted.

 

She came back to nme two weeks ago, and we had it out over things. We began talking, and hanging out, and she has said that she now realizes more than ever I am the man for her. She apologized for running away before, and for not communicating better. She said it kills her to think that she had me before, and lost it. All in all, she has been very remoresful and contrite, and has said all the right things. A friend of mien has told me she can't have learned anything in this short time, and has said "girls can be very manipulative and say things they know will have an impact". I take everything he says with agrain of salt though, since he is jaded and cynical due to past experience.

 

The problem is, I feel like it has all happened too fast. My heart says "jump back in", because it is amazing, and feels so good. But my head (and some relationship experts) think it is too soon for clarity. So I told her we neded not to talk for awhile. I could tell she was already feeling unhappy with me dating other people, or talking to other girls when she came back. She essentially wants more than I was ready go give her. She said she would be waiting for me when I realized what I wanted. I told her I still care for and love her, but that this has been a rollercoaster and we need to make these decisions with clear heads, not clouded by emotion.

 

So did I blow it? I don't know if she is the girl for me or not, but I am afraid if she is, I would lose her love if in 2 or 3 months I come to her and tell her my feelings. I feel like I have earned some leevrage here to figure things out, given that she asked me to do the same thing 2.5 months ago. I guess I felt like this was the prudent thing to do, but I also feel like sometimes just going with my feelings and making myself happy. Any thoughts or opinions?

 

Can you live without this girl?

What's changed in your relationship since the first breakup?

Has she changed? Have you changed?

 

The problem with breakups is that people think they can start off where they left off and that's impossible. Reconcilliation only works when something significant has changed since the last time.

 

You changed.

She changed.

Circumstances changed.

 

What has changed for the both of you?

[Opium]

I would sit down and think of all the qualities this girl has to offer you. If she's in your best interest and gives you a sense of direction and makes you feel complete, why not?

 

If she claims to love you the way she does, you didn't blow it, you just made her realize your priorities are different and though you would like to "think" she's what you want, you're not so sure. Theirs nothing wrong with not being sure of something. Getting back together with an ex can be great or it can be even worse for the two of you. You both need to analyze where you went wrong in the relationship and if it's worth getting back together. If you're having second thoughts I would take that as a sign that maybe your feelings aren't the same and thats why you're not sure and want to take it slow.

 

Follow your heart, and make sure you do what you feel is best for you.

[Da_1_n_OnlyN3na]

look it doesnt matter how long it took this gurl to figure out that she wanted to be with you.. the thing is she realised what she had after it was gone. meaning she realised that she wanted to be with you and she realised she made a mistake and not understanding you

 

to you it may seem that everything is going to fast .. do you want to be with this gurl? i mean you say you dont know if this gurl is the right one for you but how do you know if your not with her? your never gong to know if she really is for you if your not together.. ok to tell you the truth sometimes even if an expert tells you what you should do or gives his opinion in this um well its not always going to work the way they say so.. sometimes we let other people decide for us. here in loveshack people give their opinion so YOU will decise what you want and so you can see what other people think but U have to see for urlsef..

go by what your heart tells you its telling you to go after her and to be with her right? then go for it.. if your scared of having her and thinking that you might lose her its ok.. mayb your just scared of her being the one you wanty and you feel like your in a dream and afradi of waking up from it.. but take the chance you dont know what destiny has for you

 

if you decise to get back with her talk with her tell her to be more patient and to undrestand ( although she has realised that already) have more comunication between you guys.. yes your school work is important but you have to live a lil dont stick to work all day you have to realise that you have some one who is missing you and you cant just dig yourself into work give her time also....

[BrotherAaron]

Before my ex tried to come back to me, I had already decided to tell her 'no'. She cheated on me, lied to me, and poured salt on every wound she opened. When I did talk to her, I was cold, curt, short, and unemotive. I told her quite frankly that I she was being bothersome and that I didn't want to hear from her again. Despite my resolve, and apparent strength, it was all a front. Inside I was panicked and, quite frankly, devastated. Even in the face of everything she'd done I could not help but think "Did I just ruin any chance of us getting back together?"

 

Whats my point? Making a decision to permanently end a relationship where you loved another person is always hard. If you weren't worried that you were screwing things up, then you didn't care enough to begin with. In my case, it was obvious that I should not get back together with her - but it was a decision that was made with my head and not with my heart. Had I acted on the fact that I was still in love with her, I'd be in a relationship with her right now - and that would not be good for me. Only when I was able to clear my head of my attachment to her could I re-evaluate our relationship and realize that it was not at all structured the way I feel one should be.

 

What you said to her was perfect. You need some time to think. The relationship ended, and that means that there was a problem that caused it. The best thing to do would be to sit down and think about what in your relationship could have improved, and then starting from the ground up to rebuild the relationship around those positive changes. You may, however, realize that she is not right for you.

 

Remember, though, that fear is irrational. If you are afraid of something, you'd be better to step back and analyze why it is that you are fearful of a certain outcome. If you are afraid of losing her, why is that? Do you believe that she is absolutely important in your life? Are you over dependent on her, and have difficulty figuring out what to do with yourself without her guidance? Does change make you uncomfortable? When you've identified the root of your fear, you can decide which course of action would be best for you and decide how to act on that fear. You can determine if it is more important to stay by yourself and improve yourself - you have to bring a whole person to a relationship. If you feel that you are ready (and this goes for her as well - there has to be two!), then you can start to rebuild a relationship. Just don't expect to be able to jump back into it as it was.

 

If there is a true connection and compatibility between you two, then taking your time will not harm your relationship. If anything, it is a necessary step towards successfully rebuilding trust and love without acting on fear of leaving your 'comfort zone'

[westernxer]

What did she want, for you to quit grad school?

 

If you do get back with her, just remember that any future success is yours alone. She had nothing to do with it, even though she'll live off it.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by BrotherAaron

Before my ex tried to come back to me, I had already decided to tell her 'no'. She cheated on me, lied to me, and poured salt on every wound she opened. When I did talk to her, I was cold, curt, short, and unemotive. I told her quite frankly that I she was being bothersome and that I didn't want to hear from her again. Despite my resolve, and apparent strength, it was all a front. Inside I was panicked and, quite frankly, devastated. Even in the face of everything she'd done I could not help but think "Did I just ruin any chance of us getting back together?"

 

That took a lot of guts, BA. Bravo!

 

Whats my point? Making a decision to permanently end a relationship where you loved another person is always hard. If you weren't worried that you were screwing things up, then you didn't care enough to begin with. In my case, it was obvious that I should not get back together with her - but it was a decision that was made with my head and not with my heart. Had I acted on the fact that I was still in love with her, I'd be in a relationship with her right now - and that would not be good for me. Only when I was able to clear my head of my attachment to her could I re-evaluate our relationship and realize that it was not at all structured the way I feel one should be.

 

That's something else I've learned lately. Learning to use your head when your heart (and feelings) are pressuring your decisions is extremely difficult but MUST be done if you are to "Honor Thy Self."

 

What you said to her was perfect. You need some time to think. The relationship ended, and that means that there was a problem that caused it. The best thing to do would be to sit down and think about what in your relationship could have improved, and then starting from the ground up to rebuild the relationship around those positive changes. You may, however, realize that she is not right for you.

 

Agreed. Often times when a relationship ends we spend too much time blaming our Ex instead of looking within to see "What could I have done better?" or "Where can I make some personal improvements." Granted, some relationships are doomed to failure but if you learn something from it you become a better person and more "marketable" to the opposite sex.

 

Remember, though, that fear is irrational. If you are afraid of something, you'd be better to step back and analyze why it is that you are fearful of a certain outcome.

 

Good point. Fear should never be denied. You should welcome your fear and analyze WHY you are feeling that way and accept it without caving in to it. Difficult to do but once mastered you will be in control of yourself and not your fears or feelings. Excellent analysis.

 

If you are afraid of losing her, why is that? Do you believe that she is absolutely important in your life? Are you over dependent on her, and have difficulty figuring out what to do with yourself without her guidance? Does change make you uncomfortable? When you've identified the root of your fear, you can decide which course of action would be best for you and decide how to act on that fear. You can determine if it is more important to stay by yourself and improve yourself - you have to bring a whole person to a relationship. If you feel that you are ready (and this goes for her as well - there has to be two!), then you can start to rebuild a relationship. Just don't expect to be able to jump back into it as it was.

 

BA, you're remarkably wise for such a young man.

 

If there is a true connection and compatibility between you two, then taking your time will not harm your relationship. If anything, it is a necessary step towards successfully rebuilding trust and love without acting on fear of leaving your 'comfort zone'

 

Excellent post, once again, BA. Great advice and insight.

[The Prototype]

Thanks all for the insight. Great points all around.

 

Inside I was panicked and, quite frankly, devastated. Even in the face of everything she'd done I could not help but think "Did I just ruin any chance of us getting back together?"

 

That is my biggest fear I thinnk, not uncommon. I wonder by asking for space and time, even though she initiated it, that "what if I decide to come back and she is no longer in love?" A silly fear I suppose. A few months do not make someone fall out of love. If they are truly in love, they amy live their lives, but they will still have the spark if/when you return.

 

Whats my point? Making a decision to permanently end a relationship where you loved another person is always hard. If you weren't worried that you were screwing things up, then you didn't care enough to begin with. In my case, it was obvious that I should not get back together with her - but it was a decision that was made with my head and not with my heart. Had I acted on the fact that I was still in love with her, I'd be in a relationship with her right now - and that would not be good for me. Only when I was able to clear my head of my attachment to her could I re-evaluate our relationship and realize that it was not at all structured the way I feel one should be.

 

That is what I want to get to. Clarity. I honestly don't trust my feelings. Sure, I love her. But am I missing what is obvious to certain people around me? If I jump back in now, I am rolling the dice, and we were close to an engagement. I don't want to find otu this was wrong 2 years into a marriage. At least with some space, after having gone on a few dates with other people, I will either realize "wow, did I dodge one", or "wow, that was something I can't live without."

 

What you said to her was perfect. You need some time to think. The relationship ended, and that means that there was a problem that caused it. The best thing to do would be to sit down and think about what in your relationship could have improved, and then starting from the ground up to rebuild the relationship around those positive changes. You may, however, realize that she is not right for you.

 

My thoughts exactly, thanks.

 

Remember, though, that fear is irrational. If you are afraid of something, you'd be better to step back and analyze why it is that you are fearful of a certain outcome. If you are afraid of losing her, why is that? Do you believe that she is absolutely important in your life? Are you over dependent on her, and have difficulty figuring out what to do with yourself without her guidance? Does change make you uncomfortable? When you've identified the root of your fear, you can decide which course of action would be best for you and decide how to act on that fear. You can determine if it is more important to stay by yourself and improve yourself - you have to bring a whole person to a relationship. If you feel that you are ready (and this goes for her as well - there has to be two!), then you can start to rebuild a relationship. Just don't expect to be able to jump back into it as it was.

 

I think the root of the fear is "will I meet someone who loves me as much as she does?" Ironic that I'd ask this, given that it took breaking up with me for her to realize this. This to me is a silly fear, I think. I am sure many people feel this way. I have no trouble meeting women, and get lots of attention. yet, the irrational fear is still there.

 

If there is a true connection and compatibility between you two, then taking your time will not harm your relationship. If anything, it is a necessary step towards successfully rebuilding trust and love without acting on fear of leaving your 'comfort zone'

 

 

t's something else I've learned lately. Learning to use your head when your heart (and feelings) are pressuring your decisions is extremely difficult but MUST be done if you are to "Honor Thy Self."

 

Thanks, I agree. She had pointed to multiple friends of hers who broke up for 5 months, 9 months, etc., and realized they were supposed to be back together, and are now married. I guess that is what i am looking for. I just want my head to confirm and believe what my heart feels now. Until then, I don't trust myself. I think too many people make relationship decisions based SOLELY on their heart, and this often bites them in the ass later in the form of breakups, divorces, etc. Not having contact for the rest of the summer is not too much to ask, it goes by fast, IMO.

 

What did she want, for you to quit grad school?

 

If you do get back with her, just remember that any future success is yours alone. She had nothing to do with it, even though she'll live off it.

 

That is a problem I have with many people. They love the allure of big jobs, masters degrees, dctors, lawyers, etc., but when it comes time to buickle down and do the hard stuff that admittedly isn't fun, they complain.

 

I guess I just worry that she will move on in the time I take to decide what I truly want now. I have been told if she did move on in 2,3 months time, then she wasn't really in love anyway. Most people find it takes much longer to get over someone they love, even though they may begin to live their life. Once they are presented with that oppiortunity again, the feelings/emotions come back. Which is why some people stay away forever. I know from experience, you can bury your feelings, but you can't destroy them.

[westernxer]

Originally posted by The Prototype

I know from experience, you can bury your feelings, but you can't destroy them.

 

Tell me about it. You've got time to think about it now, so don't rush into it. If she respects you, she'll understand this. She also has to understand that she's walking on egg shells, given that she abandoned you during a crucial moment, a moment when you could've used some moral support. The fact that you succeeded is a testament to your strength of character. You weathered the storm and came out shining brightly...

 

It's true that people get back together after spending time apart, but she abandoned you. Not saying you can't forgive her, but don't let her off so easily. Let her linger in Gethsemane a little longer, unless you can't resist her any longer. Easier said than done, plus she's not my girl. But I've done this to girls before, mostly because they needed to grow up.

 

By the way, great post, Brother Aaron. Forgot to mention this earlier. *thumbs up*

[The Prototype]

Tell me about it. You've got time to think about it now, so don't rush into it. If she respects you, she'll understand this. She also has to understand that she's walking on egg shells, given that she abandoned you during a crucial moment, a moment when you could've used some moral support. The fact that you succeeded is a testament to your strength of character. You weathered the storm and came out shining brightly...

 

It's true that people get back together after spending time apart, but she abandoned you. Not saying you can't forgive her, but don't let her off so easily. Let her linger in Gethsemane a little longer, unless you can't resist her any longer. Easier said than done, plus she's not my girl. But I've done this to girls before, mostly because they needed to grow up.

 

By the way, great post, Brother Aaron. Forgot to mention this earlier. *thumbs up*

 

Yeah, I figure I have some leverage given she broke up with me, and I after my initial pleas of "don't do this, it's a mistake", I gave up. She and I have argued over this, and she knows what she did. I am justified in taking as much time as I need. If she moves on because I took time to figure out her mistakes, then honestly she has bigger issues. I know how this girl works. I know that even if I came around and she was dating someone else, I could have her back if I tried. She is really hooked. The question is, is it the best thing? Lots of people claim to truly love you, few actually know how to do it. To me, love is an action word, not a feeling.

 

I am trying not to game the system here. If you take time apart just so you can get bnack with someone, you might as well just spare yourself the heartache and go back now. if you take the time to honestly see what is best for you, then it is a wise move. I am not trying to punish her (though that may be an added bonus...); I am just trying to avoid a big mistake for us.

 

And I agree, great posts all, esp BA.

[westernxer]

Originally posted by The Prototype

To me, love is an action word, not a feeling.

 

That's exactly how I feel.

[zack121]

Can you tell me about the concept of using ones head and not heart? Sorry I'm not 100% on this (lack of experince I guess), But was told this by ex... You guys write so well that I'd like to hear what that statements means to you

[zack121]

Can you tell me about the concept of using ones head and not heart? Sorry I'm not 100% on this (lack of experince I guess), But was told this by ex... You guys write so well that I'd like to hear what that statement means to you.

 

Its not that I don't understand the words, but the bigger picture, without being all touchy feely, what made you decide on that course of action? did you sit down one day, and go, I don't like this... this... and this.... and then went HEAD wins? What where the cicumstances? etc etc

 

Really interested in this!

[westernxer]

Originally posted by zack121

Can you tell me about the concept of using ones head and not heart? Sorry I'm not 100% on this (lack of experince I guess), But was told this by ex... You guys write so well that I'd like to hear what that statement means to you.

 

Its not that I don't understand the words, but the bigger picture, without being all touchy feely, what made you decide on that course of action? did you sit down one day, and go, I don't like this... this... and this.... and then went HEAD wins? What where the cicumstances? etc etc

 

Really interested in this!

 

Basically, you reason with your head and look at all the possibilities from a wider perspective. With your heart, you're acting on feelings alone, which may cloud your judgement.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by zack121

Can you tell me about the concept of using ones head and not heart? Sorry I'm not 100% on this (lack of experince I guess), But was told this by ex... You guys write so well that I'd like to hear what that statement means to you.

 

Its not that I don't understand the words, but the bigger picture, without being all touchy feely, what made you decide on that course of action? did you sit down one day, and go, I don't like this... this... and this.... and then went HEAD wins? What where the cicumstances? etc etc

 

Really interested in this!

 

I'll throw in my 2 cents.

 

Seeing with your mind and not your heart means that you see the situation for what it really is and not for how you want it to be. Believe it or not, this is a key foundation of self-esteem. You're not "fooling" yourself and in turn causing an internal struggle with truth and your own fiction.

 

There's no easy way to do this other than to be "true to thyself" in that you make a conscious decision to see the facts as they are and then act appropriately. To accept your feelings but not "act" on them in a way that defies logic. (IE: Staying with someone when you know in your mind you should have left them a long time ago.)

[The Prototype]

In essence, deciding with your heart (devoid of logic or your brain) means you are acting on impulse.

 

My heart may tell me to eat the donut. My brain tells me if I want to lose that weight I have been working at, I need to refrain.

 

My heart tells me to buy the plasma TV. My brain etlls me my credit card bill needs to come down first.

 

My heart tells me to take girl X back because I miss things. My brain tells me to take a deep breath, and step away to gain some perspective and see if she really is for me, or if I am just clinging to the "fun times".

 

We aren't advocating being empty of emotion, that plays a role. We aren't robots. but I have found most poor decisions and most peril-ridden relationships stem from not looking honestly at the facts, and acting with emotion only. If, after careful and honest thought, you still feel like it is the right decision, then go for it.

 

Don't make excuses for people unless they are legitimate.

 

As the saying goes, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them..."

[ConfusedInOC]

Prototype, I think you've got the jist of it. Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

[mental_traveller]

Originally posted by The Prototype

 

So did I blow it? I don't know if she is the girl for me or not, but I am afraid if she is, I would lose her love if in 2 or 3 months I come to her and tell her my feelings. I feel like I have earned some leevrage here to figure things out, given that she asked me to do the same thing 2.5 months ago. I guess I felt like this was the prudent thing to do, but I also feel like sometimes just going with my feelings and making myself happy. Any thoughts or opinions?

 

If you are doubting on whether someone is the right girl for you or not, then 99% of the time, she's not. If she is, then she will be happy to wait 2-3 months for you to sort out your head. So I suggest that you demand she wait for you for 2-3 months, and not see anyone else, to prove she is that into you. Then you can make your decision with a clear head, and as a bonus you get to test the strength of her feelings. She dumped you at a time you needed support, so she has to make up for that IMO.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by mental_traveller

If you are doubting on whether someone is the right girl for you or not, then 99% of the time, she's not. If she is, then she will be happy to wait 2-3 months for you to sort out your head. So I suggest that you demand she wait for you for 2-3 months, and not see anyone else, to prove she is that into you. Then you can make your decision with a clear head, and as a bonus you get to test the strength of her feelings. She dumped you at a time you needed support, so she has to make up for that IMO.

 

I don't know that you can make this kind of demand or if it's even feasible. You can say "I need a few months to clear my head..." and see how she reacts. If she decides to date someone else, the question of her being right for you is answered.

 

By placing this demand on her, you're saying "I still want you, wait for me..." which is not exactly saying "I'm independent and can live without you..."

[mental_traveller]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

I don't know that you can make this kind of demand or if it's even feasible. You can say "I need a few months to clear my head..." and see how she reacts. If she decides to date someone else, the question of her being right for you is answered.

 

By placing this demand on her, you're saying "I still want you, wait for me..." which is not exactly saying "I'm independent and can live without you..."

 

Yeah, I think you're right, this is the better way to do it. Give her implied permission to date (with the "clear my head" line), then the signal is all the clearer if she decides to take advantage and date someone else. He also gives off the image that he can live without her her. Good idea.

[Opium]

My heart tells me to take girl X back because I miss things. My brain tells me to take a deep breath, and step away to gain some perspective and see if she really is for me, or if I am just clinging to the "fun times".

 

Theirs nothing wrong with feeling this way. If your telling yourself to hold on, wait somethings wrong, listen to that gut feeling, in the end you took your time to make your decision and you won't regret it.

 

You also have to remember the love you once shared, really ask yourself, "Was it real"? You shouldn't have to put a "time limit", you take the time you feel you need, nothing more nothing less. Relationships are hard but can be sucha wonderful experience when you feel a bond so strong between your SO. If she really loves you and through this she's realized she loves you and wantst to be with you, she'll wait, even knowing one day you just might say, NO.

[The Prototype]

Thanks for the thoughts all.

 

That is essentially what I did, and told her not to worry. If two people are truly meant for each other, then time or other people won't mean a thing. She can date whomever she wants in theory. If I am the one for her, then why would I worry? Other people often simply fill in the voids in people's lives while they are waiting for their "true love".

 

It is nice to be in the position of having some leverage. it sucks to be broken up with of course, but having the person realize they made a huge mistake is great. It puts you in the driver's seat.

 

And people in this situation have to be careful. Simply allowing people run back to us after they have made mistakes sets a very bad precedent in the relationship. Namely, "if you screw up, don't worry, just bat your eyesm, and say I love you, and I'll forgive everything and take you back."

 

Subconciously, whether they realize it or not, it send a bad message and can leave for in for a life of tolerating bad behavior. Unfortunately, partners are like animals; they need training as to their limits sometimes.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by The Prototype

Thanks for the thoughts all.

 

That is essentially what I did, and told her not to worry. If two people are truly meant for each other, then time or other people won't mean a thing. She can date whomever she wants in theory. If I am the one for her, then why would I worry? Other people often simply fill in the voids in people's lives while they are waiting for their "true love".

 

This is a VERY healthy way of looking at the situation.

 

It is nice to be in the position of having some leverage. it sucks to be broken up with of course, but having the person realize they made a huge mistake is great. It puts you in the driver's seat.

 

Definitely. It's a great self-esteem boost and proves to you that you were worthy of her all along. However, don't hold the leverage over her head too much or you will certainly cause the opposite intended effect

 

And people in this situation have to be careful. Simply allowing people run back to us after they have made mistakes sets a very bad precedent in the relationship. Namely, "if you screw up, don't worry, just bat your eyesm, and say I love you, and I'll forgive everything and take you back."

 

DEFINITELY! This is one of the most overlooked aspects off any "reconciliation." What needs to be established is:

 

Why he/she wants to come back.

What has changed since the breakup.

The reasons for getting back together are GOOD reasons.

 

I would recommend Universe's thread on "Love is a Station, Not a Destination" thread as a good example of how to get back together. It must be slow, deliberate and nearly start from scratch all over again.

 

Subconciously, whether they realize it or not, it send a bad message and can leave for in for a life of tolerating bad behavior. Unfortunately, partners are like animals; they need training as to their limits sometimes.

 

They do need to know they can not leave you and come back anytime they want. They have to suffer some serious consequences and realize if they screw up again, they will NOT be allowed to waltz back into your life.