What if there would never be any great sex again?

[KathL]

Many [OWs] claimed that sex with MM is the most amazing they have ever had. In my case, it's so true.. thus makes it so hard for me to walk away in the fear that I would never have such great sex, great sexual compatibility and chemistry with such a charming and sexy man. I have had plenty mediocre sex unfortunately and not many of the single guys I date are down to what MM is willing to do to please me.

 

So how do I work this around?

Edited May 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed typo

[SoleMate]

MM do not have a monopoly on providing great sexual experiences.....not by a long shot. Non-cheaters can also be great lovers. I'd say the non-cheaters provide a better experience as it's not necessarily tainted with lies, anxiety, and the knowledge that he's going home to another woman.

 

If you really think your best bet is an MM, you might be in Affair Fog. Can you find a way to get a bit more distance and detachment and examine the situation objectively?

[Lady Hamilton]

I think the better question is "what kind of relationship will I have when the sex with OM stops being what it is now?"

 

Great sex is great, but great sex isn't a relationship. And great sex doesn't always last. Sometimes it ebbs and flows, sometimes it changes, sometimes it dries up totally. It may not happen in a week, a month, a year, 5 years... But eventually life will sneak in and the sex will change.

 

To be clear, we had mind blowing sex during the affair. Now, a decade or so later, between three kids, a major illness, four jobs between the two of us, life stress and drama, and all the rest of it, we're still having great sex... Just not in the style (or at the frequency) we enjoyed during the affair.

 

Neither of us are unsatisfied because there's layer upon layer of things that drew us to each other besides the sex, so while overnight hotel stays with all night devoted to lovemaking has switched to a locked bathroom door and 10 minutes before he heads out to work, neither one of us are sitting back lamenting our rafter-hanging days.

 

Sure, when we manage to have one of those days, it's most excellent and we love it, but it's not what holds us together.

 

While I may be wrong and there's more there than great sex, if that's even the pillar of your relationship and not having it is your big fear, it's probably time to sit down and figure out some things.

 

Namely, is the risk, hassle, and drama worth something that's only carnal (and therefore destined to go away or at least change dramatically at some point anyway)?

 

In my experience, there's always somebody somewhere out there willing to do whatever it is that you say only he does. Perhaps time to cast the net a bit wider.

[loveisanaction]

There is no way on earth that sex with your MM will be the best sex you'll ever experience in this lifetime.

 

There are over 7.25 billion people in the world, more than a quarter of which are single. I can bet with my left finger that you will find a single man who will knock your socks off in the bedroom and 10 times better than your MM ever did.

[carhill]

What if there would never be any great sex again?

 

That's a very personal question which you'll necessarily answer for yourself. The answer depends upon your personal viewpoint regarding sex, its place in your life and in your relationships.

 

From my perspective, having been married and experiencing most portions of infidelity to some degree, it's pretty simple. Sex is an expression of love in an exclusive relationship so, if I never have such a relationship again, I'm OK with not having sex, great or otherwise. Life is a lot more than sex. Sure, it's a basic hard-wired drive to propagate the species and people like it because it feels good. I guess it depends upon how completely an individual is inured to that dynamic.

 

One thing to ponder, and I learned this as an OM decades ago, each day one is tied up in the milieu of a married person is another day one can be completely oblivious, and especially available, to a healthy and available partner. There is a psychology of attachment at work and it affects one's own psyche as well as one's aura, IMO.

[Liam1]

Many [OWs] claimed that sex with MM is the most amazing they have ever had. In my case, it's so true.. thus makes it so hard for me to walk away in the fear that I would never have such great sex, great sexual compatibility and chemistry with such a charming and sexy man. I have had plenty mediocre sex unfortunately and not many of the single guys I date are down to what MM is willing to do to please me.

 

So how do I work this around?

 

Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. Do not let anyone convince you otherwise.

 

The people who are saying that a marriage can be good without sex are likely people who are still having sex with their spouse.

 

Sex only becomes an issue in a marriage, IMO, if it dries up completely or if one spouse was never really attracted to the other and the sex was NEVER GOOD.

 

With that said, sex is not the only important component of a relationship.

 

Also, sex is always mind blowing in the beginning of a really good relationship.

 

The problem is that no matter how mind blowing the sex is at first, it will inevitably become somewhat more routine and less mind blowing.

 

Eventually, the longer you are together, the sex should become more companionable and more about loving each other. At that point the other things you love about your spouse will kick in and become mind blowing.

 

When that happens, if you have nothing else in common, except mind blowing sex, well than you have nothing really.

 

If you are knotting your time up with a married man, it will be difficult to find a single guy whom you love and with whom you will find yourself having mind blowing sex.

 

The statistics show that most marriages born of an affair do not survive well. The stat is about 3 percent.

[burnt]

KathL,

I don't know what 'stage' of the affair you are in; each stage from the start to the end brings in its own confusing set of emotions and questions.

 

Since you are asking this question, I am left to believe that you must not have reached the point of intolerable pain YET. When you do reach that state of indescribable paralyzing pain, you will soon find the answer to your own question.

 

It's up to you how long it will take you to reach that state.

But since you asked, here's my answer:

 

You may or may not find another man who can provide you with that kind of sexual experience.

But there will come a time when you will realize that you actually won't want the kind of "sex" the MM provided you.

When your eyes are finally fully open to internalize that the sex he provided you was void of any dignity, respect, honesty, and love, it is YOU who won't be to able to accept or want that kind of fatal humiliation ever again.

 

Yes he "gave" you great "sex".

Now look closer:

Did you please him orally? Now close your eyes and ask yourself where he put "IT" before and after he was done with you.

 

Did you kiss his lips passionately? Now close your eyes and ask yourself what part of his wife's body he was licking with his lips before and after he was done using you for amusement.

 

Right now you must be in too much confusion to realize what you are actually asking.

YOU are a woman. Sooner or later you will realize it's not "sex" you want, but dignified love-making that you are seeking.

 

And if my response makes no sense--

then allow time to reveal the answer to your question.

[Michelle ma Belle]

MM do not have a monopoly on providing great sexual experiences.....not by a long shot. Non-cheaters can also be great lovers. I'd say the non-cheaters provide a better experience as it's not necessarily tainted with lies, anxiety, and the knowledge that he's going home to another woman.

 

If you really think your best bet is an MM, you might be in Affair Fog. Can you find a way to get a bit more distance and detachment and examine the situation objectively?

 

I concur.

 

It's impossible for you to see clearly because you're still living in your affair bubble.

 

You want what you can't have.

Edited May 2, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle

[Confused9999]

There are many negatives to affairs and the pain when it's over is horrible.

 

BUT don't change the topic and point... The Sex is hot and awesome.

In fact I agree with OP..I don't know how I will get that back now that it's over.

[DesertHeat]

I've been a wife, a GF, a FWB, an unwitting OW twice, and here's my take...

 

First, the "great sex" from MM can be a combination of many things. First and foremost, he gets plenty of practice with his wife, amirite ? So, he's already comfortable in bed with someone he has/had sex with regularly. So, comparing that to a guy who hasn't been in a relationship in a while, at all, or whatever, is a little unfair, like comparing a player that's pulled off the bench versus a starting player.

 

Secondly, MM really has nothing to lose with you. So, he can treat you however he likes, explore, etc. and doesn't have to worry about pleasing you. If you don't like it, he can go back home to his wife. A potential BF may be worried about impressing you, treating you nice, etc., and may not be as uninhibited. Add to that the heightened situation of the affair--the excitement of only have X amount of time to meet/have sex, sex in odd places (i.e. motels) because you can't go to his house (or even yours), etc. So all these extra elements makes it "exciting".

 

TBH, the sex I had with MM (before I found out they were with someone and called it off) was on par, but not really better than the best sex I've had. That's because I learned to communicate my desires to my partners. I have my own "must haves" for sex, and I talk about it beforehand with a potential partner. If a person won't give me what I want, or if we have sex and it's not what I want, then I won't have sex with them/date them anymore. "Good sex" starts in the mind and starts with you. So really, you decide if you never have good sex again.

 

But, as others have said, you can't even begin to explore what single guys can do until you get rid of MM.

[2016forme]

Many [OWs] claimed that sex with MM is the most amazing they have ever had. In my case, it's so true.. thus makes it so hard for me to walk away in the fear that I would never have such great sex, great sexual compatibility and chemistry with such a charming and sexy man. I have had plenty mediocre sex unfortunately and not many of the single guys I date are down to what MM is willing to do to please me.

 

So how do I work this around?

 

I just have to say something on this. I'm going to burst your MM bubble about the great intimacy and passion and the possibility of what if that never happens again!

 

First of all, you need to ask yourself is it right for you to have sexual intimacy and contact with someone else's husband?!

 

 

If you are married or engaged or you are with your significant other, ( not including the MM), would you like it if your partner, husband, boyfriend or SO, have sexual contact with another woman? !

 

If you answered no, then you are in the right spot to stop using and justifying your sexual intimacy as a reason to have an affair with a MM!

 

You are only fooling and kidding yourself by saying that you are having the best, the most steaming passion with your MM!

 

You need to do yourself a favor and stop having illicit sex with your MM!

 

Don't sit up here and tell that I don't know the situation and that one of the reasons you and your MM are having sex is cause he and his wife have not been intimate with each other. You are just using this as an excuse to have a"romp" with your MM!

 

How will you feel if one or the both of you contacts an STD or HIV?!

 

Let me share a story with you.

 

When I was in high school, our teacher told my class mates and I a story about how she lost her one and only daughter to AIDS. Our teacher's daughter had gotten married to a young man. They had sex like most married folk do.

 

Sadly, the young man was also having sex with other young women! No one used protection!

 

The young man went back home and transmitted the AIDS virus to his wife. The next thing you knew, he complained that he felt seriously ill. He went to the doctor, he received bad news that he had been infected with AIDS.

 

He then went back home and told his wife that he had been diagnosed with AIDS.

 

About a year later, the husband died first. Then his wife, our teacher's daughter, died from AIDS! Our teacher was in tears and we were too!

 

So what if you contracted an STD or something else? ! What if you unconsciously passed it on to your MM? !

 

What if he passes it to his wife? !

 

How are you going to feel looking at the damage you are doing to your MM and his FAMILY? !

 

Ask yourself "am I caught in such great sex until I am only selfish enough to think about my satisfaction? Or should I seek counseling and snap out of it before some real serious consequences happen? !"

 

This is serious talk! If your MM's wife discovers that her husband has been screwing another woman and that her husband has been sneaking around behind his wife's back, I imagine that she is really going to feel the shock of her entire life!

 

Stop having sex with your MM and go out and find a single one! But use protection because STD's and AIDS does not have a name tag!

Edited May 2, 2016 by 2016forme

[RecentChange]

I have been an OW before, so I am not going to get all preachy OP....

 

Couple things.... the sneaking around, the illicit nature of it, this "hidden" passion can be a bit of a drug, and enhance things - I will give you that.

 

But I doubt it will be the best you can ever have - for one, this experience has taught you a few things that you can take with you.

 

Few questions....

 

How old are you? How many partners have you been with? Relationships - ever have a long one?

 

What is so special between you and the MM? You said he does things that others won't - like what?

 

I have had good sex, great sex, with a MM - I have also had AMAZING sex within the confines of my relationship.

 

An affair can add some electricity to the whole thing - but I doubt that you can't ever do better - I mean, you are second priority, someday maybe you will find someone you are sexually compatible with - who makes you his top priority.

 

[edited to add - I do agree that protection is a non negotiable. Sounds odd, but I am not going to get all moralist about the cheating - but at least use protection. Emotional damage is one thing - adding physical damage (or pregnancy!!) is a whole other level]

Edited May 2, 2016 by RecentChange

[2016forme]

Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. Do not let anyone convince you otherwise.

 

The people who are saying that a marriage can be good without sex are likely people who are still having sex with their spouse.

 

Sex only becomes an issue in a marriage, IMO, if it dries up completely or if one spouse was never really attracted to the other and the sex was NEVER GOOD.

 

With that said, sex is not the only important component of a relationship.

 

Also, sex is always mind blowing in the beginning of a really good relationship.

 

The problem is that no matter how mind blowing the sex is at first, it will inevitably become somewhat more routine and less mind blowing.

 

Eventually, the longer you are together, the sex should become more companionable and more about loving each other. At that point the other things you love about your spouse will kick in and become mind blowing.

 

When that happens, if you have nothing else in common, except mind blowing sex, well than you have nothing really.

 

If you are knotting your time up with a married man, it will be difficult to find a single guy whom you love and with whom you will find yourself having mind blowing sex.

 

The statistics show that most marriages born of an affair do not survive well. The stat is about 3 percent.

 

Sex does not equal a relationship.

 

A relationship does not equal sex.

 

Likewise, I agree with everything else you mentioned in the last part of your post.

 

What if illicit sex destroys a marriage? Well it does! Cause its outside of the marriage in the first place.

 

Is being selfish just to have your sexual desires meet outside of a marriage really worth it?

 

No! Someone loses out.It's usually the family and the kids that suffer!

 

I wonder if anyone thinks about reality and consequences?

[Liam1]

I have been an OW before, so I am not going to get all preachy OP....

 

Couple things.... the sneaking around, the illicit nature of it, this "hidden" passion can be a bit of a drug, and enhance things - I will give you that.

 

But I doubt it will be the best you can ever have - for one, this experience has taught you a few things that you can take with you.

 

Few questions....

 

How old are you? How many partners have you been with? Relationships - ever have a long one?

 

What is so special between you and the MM? You said he does things that others won't - like what?

 

I have had good sex, great sex, with a MM - I have also had AMAZING sex within the confines of my relationship.

 

An affair can add some electricity to the whole thing - but I doubt that you can't ever do better - I mean, you are second priority, someday maybe you will find someone you are sexually compatible with - who makes you his top priority.

 

[edited to add - I do agree that protection is a non negotiable. Sounds odd, but I am not going to get all moralist about the cheating - but at least use protection. Emotional damage is one thing - adding physical damage (or pregnancy!!) is a whole other level]

 

KathL:

 

I agree with this post and about the included caution to use protection.

 

With that said, even the typical dating relationship with a single man holds the risk of STDs and pregnancy. That's just life.

 

You can hide away in a tower and never date anyone for fear of STDs or pregnancy....or you can choose your partners carefully.

 

IMO, all single people should date and have sex with people before deciding to marry, so the STD and pregnancy things is ALWAYS on the table.

 

So protection is a must. But remember condoms with spermacides may lessen the risk of an STD but not 100 percent.

 

To lessen your risk of HIV, avoid IV drug users, people who frequent street hookers, and people who have indiscriminate one nighters.

 

I am not preaching at you about infidelity. Infidelity is a complex issue and your question, if one is to stay on topic, was about "great sex" not infidelity.

 

If his infidelity destroys his marriage, that is HIS problem, and who knows maybe he is at a point in his marriage where he does not care if it destroys his marriage. Maybe his wife is sexually withholding or emotionally abusive.

 

It's not infidelity that destroys marriages, it's spousal behaviors on both sides. Some spouse think they can neglect the relationship and the other spouse should just suck it up and be a slave to their wishes.

 

Also, Infidelity saved my marriage. We got counseling and the marriage is a much better one than prior.

Edited May 3, 2016 by Liam1

[Poppy47]

I think many of the posters missed your point. You didn't ask for STD education or a lecture on morals.

 

YOu might never have sex like that again. The world will not fall apart on you.

 

YOu will survive like many others have post A. An A is a fantasy and so is every aspect of it. Single men do not bother to love bomb you like a MM.

 

Cheers,

Poppy.

[elaine567]

Read this -

 

No one can woo like the MM, and no one can turn it off cold turkey just like that, like a MM either.

Why is that, do you think?

Answer - Click here

 

[WakingUp]

One day... whilst you are having this great sex... he might just call out his wife's name.

 

Trust me, the sex isn't quite so great after that.

[Miss Clavel]

Many [OWs] claimed that sex with MM is the most amazing they have ever had. In my case, it's so true.. thus makes it so hard for me to walk away in the fear that I would never have such great sex, great sexual compatibility and chemistry with such a charming and sexy man. I have had plenty mediocre sex unfortunately and not many of the single guys I date are down to what MM is willing to do to please me.

 

So how do I work this around?

 

i'm going to need more uh, details. what is it that single men are not "down to do"?

 

i haven't met any men that have a single thing they won't do. i have a few things i won't do.

 

if they don't "do" it. there are ways to "quid pro quo" the deed, if you catch my drift.

 

you know what you like, you know what you need. just let any new partner know what it is.

 

they can't read your mind, but they can read the "signals".

 

good luck.

[NewLeaf512]

This is my simple stupid thought but it's 3:30 am. What if it IS the best sex you have ever had and will ever have?

 

1. Your sexual life is not over yet so keep gathering data to decide

 

If in fact at the end of your life MM was the best sex of your life you have something awesome to think about.

 

When I was 20 I had an amazing hand made pair of field boots for horse riding. I wore them out. Went 2 years later to the shop, they'd closed. I never have had a pair of boots like that since but when I think about them, it's with happy nostalgia, and I still have more boots to buy before I die!

[KathL]

Read this -

 

Answer - Click here

 

Thanks elaine567 :(

[KathL]

i'm going to need more uh, details. what is it that single men are not "down to do"?

 

i haven't met any men that have a single thing they won't do. i have a few things i won't do.

 

if they don't "do" it. there are ways to "quid pro quo" the deed, if you catch my drift.

 

you know what you like, you know what you need. just let any new partner know what it is.

 

they can't read your mind, but they can read the "signals".

 

good luck.

My ex wouldn't go down on me. The single guys, either ONS or FWB, most wouldn't do anal or oral. They looked at me like an alien when I implied my experience in having threesomes. I guess we just don't share the same kinks and its simply hard to meet guys who are as adventurous as you while being respectful nad non-judgmental (doesn't help that I am Asian living in Asia). It takes trials and errors and when I do meet one whom we hit it off so well on our first attempt (and when the sex just gets better and better with the communication).. its just hard to let go even if it means I am just a side dish.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Kathi, I waited for someone else to say this. Maybe you and I are the only ones who felt this way. But be happy you had a great sexual experience. Someone who didn't need to be told or directed what to, who wanted nothing more then to please you, it's how he found pleasure, who wasn't so wrapped up in his own sexual pleasure he was able to let you experience yours.

 

Many women will never have that experience.

 

Every woman should have a kiss to remember

A lover who knows how to pleasure her (w/o being told)

And a secret that makes you smile.

3for3. Be happy with the memories.

 

Back to the scorching of the scarlet woman.

[KathL]

Kathi, I waited for someone else to say this. Maybe you and I are the only ones who felt this way. But be happy you had a great sexual experience. Someone who didn't need to be told or directed what to, who wanted nothing more then to please you, it's how he found pleasure, who wasn't so wrapped up in his own sexual pleasure he was able to let you experience yours.

 

Many women will never have that experience.

 

Every woman should have a kiss to remember

A lover who knows how to pleasure her (w/o being told)

And a secret that makes you smile.

3for3. Be happy with the memories.

 

Back to the scorching of the scarlet woman.

Thanks! I was blessed to have met such a man who never failed to put my needs and pleasures above of his (apart from having to go back to his family at the end of each session). Whatever kinks I told him, I would sure as hell experience it subsequently and he was patient enough to introduce his to mine so we could enjoy it together. It makes me feel totally a woman, a happy one.

 

Ugh now the idea that he could be fabricating this desire to please me just so he could retain me for whatever purposes he intended to serve saddens me.

[noelle303]

 

A woman who is the OW, her world WILL be shattered! She will not be able to handle the affair with the MM because it will be more than what she can handle!

 

That's a pretty sweeping generalization and as a fOW I can testify that it's not true. My life is pretty put together and it's not fair to dismiss other people's true experiences just because they don't coincide with your idea of it.

 

To the OP, I think that, regardless of his marriage, you found someone sexually compatible to you. Be happy you experienced it, be happy that you now know what you want and need sexually and don't settle for anything less.

 

Look upon this as a learning experience and a fond memory, not a loss. There are so many men out there who can give you this and more. Honestly, when you find someone who cares about you enough that your needs matter just as much as his, you will have this satisfaction again.

[KathL]

That's a pretty sweeping generalization and as a fOW I can testify that it's not true. My life is pretty put together and it's not fair to dismiss other people's true experiences just because they don't coincide with your idea of it.

 

To the OP, I think that, regardless of his marriage, you found someone sexually compatible to you. Be happy you experienced it, be happy that you now know what you want and need sexually and don't settle for anything less.

 

Look upon this as a learning experience and a fond memory, not a loss. There are so many men out there who can give you this and more. Honestly, when you find someone who cares about you enough that your needs matter just as much as his, you will have this satisfaction again.

Thanks. Good advices there. Appreciate it