Is the Ex too Far under my skin to let go?

[spacecadet420]

About 3 months ago I broke up with my partner of just over one year.

At first our relationship was perfect, we've known eachother for about 7 years and were great friends before our relationship. We just got eachother, had the same humour and many a things in common including being musicians. The physical attraction was never that intense for me though.

As time flew by

I found him completely emotionally detached, not wanting sex, saying hurtful things to me, not wanting to engage in any activity with me and scoffing at the sight of me wanting to even come into the room he was in and speak to him.

He doesn't have his license so i found myself becoming a taxi service for his ungrateful ass, and he never had any money.

By near the end I found myself bored and severely depressed.

I hated myself. He said a lot of hurtful things to me about my skills for my passion which is music which contributed to the self loathing.

 

I met somebody new at my course in amongst this rough time and found myself totally infatuated..he's gorgeous, charming, charismatic (completely opposite to my ex), has lots in common with me including also being a musician, and treated me no less than amazing and wanted to spend time with me.

In amongst my desperateness and self loathing in my unhappy relationship, I ended up having a few too many drinks with this new dude and sleeping with him.

 

The next day I felt totally and utterly ashamed, hated myself even more.

Broke up with my boyfriend that morning and moved my stuff out.

About a month went by and I kept seeing this new guy, but more and more I felt myself closing off and shutting down around this new guy, with my ex in mind..

My ex contacted me, via text with a big heartfelt message about how sorry he was and he finally realised how badly he treated me, and that he loves me so much and would appreciate a second chance.

This made me drop the new guy right away because I felt so guilty and seemingly still in love with the ex...I then eventually met up with him, and we decided to try and make things right.

I convinced myself I didn't give the relationship enough of a chance to see itself through the rough times and was burdened with "what if?".

My ex isn't very great at communicating emotionally and I have a hard time getting any kind of heartfelt words out of him.. He's very cold.. So this text was like a glimpse of hope, if you will.

He promised to be more emotionally available and to treat me better so we started hanging out again, all going well - kind of... I stayed at his place for a few nights in a row, I found myself not wanting to leave and he felt the same..All until just like that I found myself bored of his company and feeling emotionally flat again..It feels as though I've evolved and just find him boring now.... Doesn't help that he slipped back into his old ways again. He started gaming on the computer, for hours (like usual), got a bit snappy when I tried to talk to him and scoffed when I hugged him, like it was such a huge inconvenience..

I made a suggestion to a problem he needed fixing and he just went off at me, saying "how dare you leave me in the lurch, move out of here and screw me over financially and then tell me how to spend my money" I suddenly felt like I did when we first broke up, hating myself for even opening my mouth, and feeling very resentful and stupid for even thinking things could be different and that I would feel emotionally satisfied again.

I did so much for him when we were together, made him dinner every night, washed his clothes, drove him around, took him out for dinner, bought him clothes etc.

And still, when he said he would change his mannerisms, is still acting like a total narcissistic A hole towards me. He told me that i've gotta be careful not to take him for granted again, like wtf did he ever do for me?!

I freaked and tried to called things off with him just after the argument cooled down.

He also said that he's doing the best he can do for me, trying the hardest he can to let me know he loves me. When I don't see any actions supporting that statement anymore, and its only been a few days since we started hanging out again.

I found myself deeply unhappy when I called things off with the ex..

 

The new guy is still talking to me, wanting my company and missing me.

There's nothing wrong with him he's a complete sweetheart.

I'm just stuck on my ******* ex..

I'm gonna stick this "alone time" thing out for as long as I need

One minute wanting to forgive the ex again, the other regretting not giving the new guy a shot.

 

I have abandonment issues, and extreme anxiety. So this sitch is killing me on the inside.

 

I don't even know why I'm still so in love with my ex who did nothing positive for me and my mental health.

 

I sympathise for my ex, he's deep down pretty depressed and not an outgoing person and has trouble in social situations and or meeting women which is a part of the reason I feel I can't quite let him go..

 

Please help me come to some sort of logical answer to what I should do about my ex..

I almost want to believe the guy I fell in love with is still in there somewhere?

Or are these his true colours and is he incapable of pleasing me?

[Larryville]

Yes I have another one of my (is this post legit?) thoughts before posting...

 

Lets review...

 

At first our relationship was perfect

 

known each other for about 7 years and were great friends before our relationship.

 

I found him completely emotionally detached, not wanting sex, saying hurtful things to me, not wanting to engage in any activity with me and scoffing at the sight of me wanting to even come into the room he was in and speak to him.

 

At first our relationship was perfect

 

I met somebody new at my course in amongst this rough time and found myself totally infatuated..he's gorgeous, charming, charismatic (completely opposite to my ex), has lots in common with me including also being a musician, and treated me no less than amazing and wanted to spend time with me.

 

At first our relationship was perfect

 

My ex isn't very great at communicating emotionally and I have a hard time getting any kind of heartfelt words out of him.. He's very cold..

known eachother for about 7 years and were great friends before our relationship.

 

I don't even know why I'm still so in love with my ex who did nothing positive for me and my mental health.

 

Please help me come to some sort of logical answer to what I should do about my ex..

 

What did someone say in a thread yesterday… when the OP posts a novel to explain stuff the issue is usually with the OP…

 

Having said that SC420, what should you do about your ex? Not a damn thing until you get yourself together. You have issues that you must resolve with counseling/therapy and until you do that you will never have health relationships (friends or otherwise) because after reading your post you clearly don’t know what a healthy relationship is.

[spacecadet420]

When I meant perfect I didn't mean all of the stuff that went wrong with us, that came later in our 1 year relationship.

Not sure my issues need attending to with therapy, i'm just indecisive.. and a little shocking when it comes to writing.

Edited May 3, 2016 by spacecadet420

[Satu]

You're not ready to date yet.

 

Spend some time on your own doing your healing.

[Ginaa]

You deserve better and you know it.Spend some alone time to figure out how you feel and then see what this new guy has to offer. However its never a good start to go into a relationship with feelings for your ex. Make sure your completely over him, before starting something new. It will only complicate things.