Grapesofwrath Posted May 5, 2016 Share Posted May 5, 2016 (edited) What makes people get so involved in affairs, even when they are so destructive and unhealthy for everyone involved? What can I do here, assuming I cant do the obvious and just walk away? any advice would be greatly appreciated. Why do people get so involved in affairs? How much time do you have? IMO, affairs are fed by a set of unhealthy FOO issues that involve things like self-worth, abandonment, entitlement, integrity, fear, and characterological development. To use a cliche, this young lady that you care so deeply about has Daddy issues. The important thing for you, right now, is to figure out what is driving you to chase after someone who does not reciprocate your feelings. What is driving you to pursue something that is running away and avoiding you? This is not a healthy dynamic. Relationships that start this way do not usually last because once the chase is over, it's not long before the participants start to seek out another chase. Do not try to be her "friend." You aren't friends. The interaction you describe is not friendship. The best thing you can do for yourself is to walk away from this situation. If there is a chance for the two of you to be together, that's the only way that it can possibly start with a chance of surviving. Edited May 5, 2016 by Grapesofwrath 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Chuff Posted May 5, 2016 Share Posted May 5, 2016 Well she officially ended it yesterday evening. I guess she got what she wanted from me and her MM finally wormed his way back through. I am cutting it off completely now. I replied and sent her my thoughts, and that is that. Im sick of loving people that aren't capable of loving me back. My capacity to hurt has been exceeded. I don't even know what to do from here. Thank you guys for all of the advice. I am so sorry you are going through this. Right now it's time to go do your thing and trust in the universe to bring along the right woman at the right time. It will get better. Hugs to you!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted May 5, 2016 Share Posted May 5, 2016 Well she officially ended it yesterday evening. I guess she got what she wanted from me and her MM finally wormed his way back through. I am cutting it off completely now. I replied and sent her my thoughts, and that is that. Im sick of loving people that aren't capable of loving me back. My capacity to hurt has been exceeded. I don't even know what to do from here. Thank you guys for all of the advice. WWG: I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm sure it doesn't seem like it right now, but she is doing you a big favor here by ending it. Give yourself time to heal, then get back on that horse. In your final sentence there, you indicate that maybe you have given your heart to others who have not appreciated that and do reciprocate. As a long-time member of the "chasing unavailable men" category, I'd suggest examining that part of yourself further once you are feeling better. It may help you to choose differently next time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted May 6, 2016 Author Share Posted May 6, 2016 Thank you guys for all of the support. I am kicking myself for even letting myself get involved in any of this again. I completely knew better, but it sucked me in anyway. In another life, day, or time perhaps we would have been great together, but this is not the life apparently. She needs to stay wrapped up in this disgusting drama I guess. Somehow, that is what she feels her journey is so god bless her. Good luck with that, I can have no part in it. Trying to move on, it hurts again, but not near as bad as the first time. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted May 6, 2016 Share Posted May 6, 2016 Well she officially ended it yesterday evening. I guess she got what she wanted from me and her MM finally wormed his way back through. I am cutting it off completely now. I replied and sent her my thoughts, and that is that. Im sick of loving people that aren't capable of loving me back. My capacity to hurt has been exceeded. I don't even know what to do from here. Thank you guys for all of the advice. She has actually done you a huge favour by ending it. I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment but you were headed right into the same trap she lives in. Now you are free, while she is not so you win. Should she ever truly break free of this MM she will likely bitterly regret that she let a good single man slip away for the sake of hanging onto some married cheater. It won't be your problem though because by then you will have moved on to bigger and brighter things. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 6, 2016 Share Posted May 6, 2016 Thank you guys for all of the support. I am kicking myself for even letting myself get involved in any of this again. I completely knew better, but it sucked me in anyway. In another life, day, or time perhaps we would have been great together, but this is not the life apparently. She needs to stay wrapped up in this disgusting drama I guess. Somehow, that is what she feels her journey is so god bless her. Good luck with that, I can have no part in it. Trying to move on, it hurts again, but not near as bad as the first time. Cut her off and block ALL avenues of contact. Let her continue to pine after an old married man and continue getting used. More fool her. She'll have her life on hold and be a dirty little secret.... While you can go on to live an authentic life. There are many good single girls out there .... you just haven't met them. Please don't think there isn't a good loving woman out there for you. In 5 years from now... you could well be settled in a relationship or married ... whereas she'll still be an accompaniment to the main course... to a MM who has a wife and a GF. She loves another woman's husband....... don't give her another thought. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkSunset Posted May 6, 2016 Share Posted May 6, 2016 Reading through the thread I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you. You are probably hurting and I am really sorry for that. This forum has helped me to see my situation in a different light and has given me a lot to think about and I really am thankful for the people here as well. Good luck with everything, may your healing be fast xo 4 Link to post Share on other sites
bewell Posted May 6, 2016 Share Posted May 6, 2016 My heart goes out to you. I can kind of relate to the both of you. As others have mentioned, turn this around by diverting the focus back to you and regain your confidence and strength. I wish you the best and hopefully soon someone who is a good match for you will pop up. All the best. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 (edited) Well she officially ended it yesterday evening. I guess she got what she wanted from me and her MM finally wormed his way back through. I am cutting it off completely now. I replied and sent her my thoughts, and that is that. Im sick of loving people that aren't capable of loving me back. My capacity to hurt has been exceeded. I don't even know what to do from here. Thank you guys for all of the advice. Sorry you're hurting. It isn't about you at all, you did nothing wrong! It was always about her and this on/off again MM. You can't compete with that and she was always going to pick him in the end. The guy is NEVER leaving his wife, she's in for a roller coaster ride and a lot of pain but she knows what she's up against by choice. Good and from now on, go complete NC. Call some of your good buddies and have some fun to take your mind off of this for an evening. Allow yourself to grieve the loss and be on your own for a while, take a break from women. When the timing is right, a great gal will come into your life. Don't let this or any past hurts ruin a chance at love. Edited May 7, 2016 by whichwayisup Link to post Share on other sites
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