Love Triangle

[WhirlwindGuy]

I apologize if this is rambling, my mind is a mess right now, and I am using this to journal this out more than anything. I am hoping people can offer their experiences and I can understand this dynamic better.

 

 

In November I met a girl through Tinder and one thing lead to another, we completely hit it off. We have (had) one of those soul mate type connections that I have only experienced one other time in my life. Things happened really fast with us, and within two weeks she disappeared. After a week of no contact, she reached out to me and let me know that she had been in a back and forth relationship with a married man. This man would come and go out of her life for the previous two years, and in the moment she found me, she thought she was done with him, but once he learned of me, he came crawling on his hands and knees back, and she took him...I was pretty bummed. I really fell for this girl.

 

 

She is 33 years old, this man is 57 and a coworker of hers at the time. He is married with grown kids. What she sees in him is absolutely beyond me, but I get it, sometimes there are no explanations.

 

 

Fast forward to January, I have somewhat moved on and am dating someone exclusively. She sends me an email to basically come clean and explain everything that happened, apologize to me about how she treated me, let me know that she did really like me, etc. We agree to meet for a drink to just clear the air. We do, and it went as expected. We sat, laughed, cried a bit, hugged and agreed to try and remain friends.

 

 

She has had a rough few months since then with this guy, once again he has been in and out of her life. He apparently moved in with her in her little apartment on a Sunday. That Friday she went to work and he moved back out and in with his wife again without even telling her.

 

 

On the 23rd last week she called me out of the blue again, was audibly upset. She had totaled her car, this guy had left her again, and me being the dummy I am, swept in again. I offered to take her to dinner. We had dinner, we laughed and cried about our relationship misfortunes. I offered to take her to a baseball game that evening (she loves baseball). We sat there the entire game and didn't watch a minute of it. We just talked and talked and talked. It felt really good. Since then I helped her buy her new car (just went with her and negotiated, something this guy wouldn't do). We went to dinner, hung out, and ultimately ended up making out a few times, embraced and ended one evening with sex, in which right after she broke down crying.

 

 

Her words to me is that she really likes me a lot, but her mind is still with this man and she doesn't know what to do. She feels it too, she feels extremely connected to me, she did then and she still does. I am everything she says she wants out of a man. She knows that I am right, that she could have everything she wants with me, but she cant get over this guy. She said she is very afraid of hurting me, and ruining something with me. She wants to be with me, but she wants to be with me in a healthy way and place. We agreed to slow it down, let things happen as they will, and not push anything. Meanwhile, I am really in love with this girl. Its not rational, I know...I have been in dozens of relationships / dates / etc and I have only been this way with one other person in my life, and that was a 7 year relationship back in college. I don't know how to back it down, I want to so badly, because I know im destined for hurt...I just cant.

 

 

Last night we went to dinner, I asked her if things had been resolved with him and no, they haven't. He of course learned of me, and is now begging for her back again...Even though a week ago, he told her it was over. She told him no, but I can tell she is conflicted. We had a great dinner, we laid in my bedroom for a while in bed and just talked, embraced, talked more..kissed. I can feel her coming in and out of giving in to me, and pulling back. Unfortunately last night ended up in sex again and things got weird again. I took her home, and I expressed to her that she doesn't have to run away. I felt like she was tempted, and she said she was. I asked her to please not do that.

 

 

She called me later last night and told me that this man called her again and told her about his dad who is dying, and how he spent all day at the hospital. He was going to divorce his wife, and was looking into lawyers and mediation..etc. Such a manipulative piece of ****, but she doesn't see it, or choses to try and make excuses for it. I feel like she isn't done, and is going to go back.

 

 

I told her exactly where I stand, and told her that ultimately she has to make the choice to break free...until she does that, she will be stuck in this life and it will never end. I told her that, while I really care about her, I am going to do my best to step back and give her space. I cant chase her...All I can do is leave the door open and hope that someday she choses to walk through it.

 

 

I really feel like she is my soul mate. There are 100s of reasons to explain why I feel this way, but I wont waste everyone's time...just rest assured, there is a strange, inexplicable connection we share. She knows it, I know it..she has said it before. We laughed about it...

 

 

Why does she keep choosing to go back to this old man who is obviously just using her to get through his mid life crisis? How can she keep making this mistake when I am showing her that it doesn't have to be this way? It hurts me so much to offer everything, and have her step forward, and then fall back.

 

 

I know I should be tougher and run away. I cant do that. I am so in love with this person. Ultimately the same reason she wont leave this man, I cant leave her. The difference is, she has an alternative...a much better alternative. I don't. I don't want an alternative, I just want her.

 

 

We're supposed to meet again after work this evening, for happy hour and dinner. She left something of hers in my car.

 

 

What makes people get so involved in affairs, even when they are so destructive and unhealthy for everyone involved? What can I do here, assuming I cant do the obvious and just walk away? any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Edited May 2, 2016 by WhirlwindGuy

[BuddyX]

You know there are 3 billion other women out there. Trust me, there's nothing special about this one. Grow a pair and move on. You're acting like a teenage girl. Deep down inside She has no respect for you.

 

Reopen your dating app again. There are better women out there. And guess what? Some are actually faithful.

 

Go NC right now. There's a reason why nice guy finish last, because they allow everyone to walk over them.

[Mayday2016]

You are an ego stroke. Shecallson you to pick her up when he lets her down. She doesn't see you as a first choice, not even a second, you are the bandaid, nothing more.

[Bufo]

You are the OM here. She wants to see you when he is with his W trying to reconcile or whatever. When he is ignoring his wife she goes running to him when he calls.

 

No idea why she is that way, especially with a man old enough to be her father. That is her repeated choice however. Her problems should not be your problems unless you picture yourself as her knight in shining armor.

 

It is often repeated here that you should believe what a person does rather than what a person says. That is Lesson you should think about and apply to your situation with her.

 

Ask yourself whether she is the faithful type or not. Do you want to be hooked up with the unfaithful type?

[sandylee1]

She'll never get over him and you're just wasting your time on her. Even if she gets with you... She'll likely still be in contact with him especially as they work together.

 

Infidelity clearly isn't a big deal to her.... doesn't that bother you at all? How can you ever trust her?

 

The older guy is getting stroked from a younger gal... I'll bet when the going is good he treats her great ... but he's a sleazy cheat.

There are so many girls out there who aren't an old MMs toy like her. His story of looking into lawyers is more than likely just that....a story.

 

You'll go crazy if you stick with her. Block her and request NC for you're own sanity.

[loveisanaction]

She is using you as an emotional tampon.

 

If you choose to stay with her and until she is completely over her affair with her married man, this will be your life. Nothing will change. In the mean time you are teaching her that whenever her married man fails her she can come running back to you and you will take her back with open arms.

 

If you do not let her go and figure out this situation that she has created for herself, she will continue to drag you through her mess and make your life a living hell.

 

You only get one life...don't choose it living in misery.

[WhirlwindGuy]

What I have decided to do is basically work on me. I really don't feel like dating anyone else right now. I also don't think pursuing her is the right choice either. I do believe her that she wants things to work with me, but to an extent. If he ended up dumping his wife and moving out, she would rather make things work with him... (why?!?! uggh!)

 

 

So am going to work on myself, be available if she wants to hang out, but keep it on a friends level. She said she wants time to sort out her feelings and her life so that if she decides to be with me, she can be 100%. I am going to back off and give her that time. I told her that all I ask is that she please lets me know if or when she decides to go back to him, so I can officially make that break in my head and move on. Meanwhile the door is open, should she chose to have a better life with me, but she has to walk through it and shut it behind her. I am not going to do that for her. If, in 6 months or so, that doesn't happen. I am going to probably shut it myself. It is hard though. These types of "loves" or connections don't grow on trees, and I feel like I would never rest if I just walked away and didn't try a little. I told her that I have spent decades working on things with the wrong people. How could I not spend at least 6 months trying to fight for the right one.

 

 

I guess its a hybrid of stay and be a doormat, and go complete NC. But it is the best thing I can come up with for my own sanity right now. I cant walk away from this girl right now...much the same way she apparently cant walk away from this other man.

[BuddyX]

Hybrid=epic failure.

Its fine if you're her [OM], just understand you're getting played. I can't believe that you allow a cheater to control your life SMH

Edited May 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~6

[WhirlwindGuy]

Hybrid=epic failure.

Its fine if you're her [OM], just understand you're getting played. I can't believe that you allow a cheater to control your life SMH

 

 

 

Me either my friend...It's like being a smoker, knowing its killing you, yet you are grabbing that lighter...

 

 

I guess the only difference is that I feel like the potential here is so much better than the idea of what a cigarette would do for me.

 

 

Im not sure I would call her a cheater. She got involved with a married guy, im not sure she knew he was married when it began, but then was too far in to care I guess? I don't know, I cant pretend to understand that dynamic.

Edited May 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quoted language ~6

[Girlfromcali]

Me either my friend...It's like being a smoker, knowing its killing you, yet you are grabbing that lighter...

 

She feels exactly like that about her MM. It's toxic, it's addictive, bad for her health but she can't stop it.

 

You will never be that to her.

 

I'm sorry about that. I mean not that you'd probably want to be anyone's addiction anyway...

[Mayday2016]

Me either my friend...It's like being a smoker, knowing its killing you, yet you are grabbing that lighter...

 

 

I guess the only difference is that I feel like the potential here is so much better than the idea of what a cigarette would do for me.

 

 

Im not sure I would call her a cheater. She got involved with a married guy, im not sure she knew he was married when it began, but then was too far in to care I guess? I don't know, I cant pretend to understand that dynamic.

 

She knew. Believe me, she knew.

[WhirlwindGuy]

It is like watching someone that is struggling, barely making it, working 3 jobs, eating ketchup sandwiches for dinner...they have a winning powerball ticket in their pocket, but they refuse to go cash it in.

 

 

It is the most frustrating experience to be a witness to, much less be a part of.

[S2B]

Sooooo:

 

You are focused on her

 

And

 

She is focused on him = a 57 year old man with drama.

 

 

And you're wondering about continuing with her?

 

Find a gal that makes YOU her priority!

 

She is hyper focused on an old man. That will never be positive for you!

[CarrieT]

So am going to work on myself, be available if she wants to hang out, but keep it on a friends level.

B.S.

 

You can't keep it on a friends level because you already admitted that you feel she could be your soul mate; i.e., you are far too emotionally invested.

 

You are going to stick around and hope she picks you - nothing more.

[whichwayisup]

Don't be her second choice. End it and tell her not to contact you again unless she's over this MM and really ready to commit only to you.

 

Ironic, you two are in similar situations, she is having an A with MM and he's not leaving his wife for her and you're involved with someone who is emotionally unavailable. Sorry to say this, but because she's very invested in this MM you two don't have a chance in heck together. He will always have a pull on her and she'll continue to be with him when he calls her and asks her to drop everything.

[whichwayisup]

What I have decided to do is basically work on me. I really don't feel like dating anyone else right now. I also don't think pursuing her is the right choice either. I do believe her that she wants things to work with me, but to an extent. If he ended up dumping his wife and moving out, she would rather make things work with him... (why?!?! uggh!)

 

 

So am going to work on myself, be available if she wants to hang out, but keep it on a friends level. She said she wants time to sort out her feelings and her life so that if she decides to be with me, she can be 100%. I am going to back off and give her that time. I told her that all I ask is that she please lets me know if or when she decides to go back to him, so I can officially make that break in my head and move on. Meanwhile the door is open, should she chose to have a better life with me, but she has to walk through it and shut it behind her. I am not going to do that for her. If, in 6 months or so, that doesn't happen. I am going to probably shut it myself. It is hard though. These types of "loves" or connections don't grow on trees, and I feel like I would never rest if I just walked away and didn't try a little. I told her that I have spent decades working on things with the wrong people. How could I not spend at least 6 months trying to fight for the right one.

 

 

I guess its a hybrid of stay and be a doormat, and go complete NC. But it is the best thing I can come up with for my own sanity right now. I cant walk away from this girl right now...much the same way she apparently cant walk away from this other man.

 

Hmm, she's keeping the door open, you're an option for her IF things do end with her and this MM. Her cycle of the affair will be ongoing and for you there's NO point in hanging on in hopes she'll choose you.

 

Don't even be friends with her. You barely know her, it's not like you've been together for months or even years. It'll be easier for you to bail out now and cut bait for good. Friendship = HER manipulating you and you still having feelings for her preventing you from letting go and finding someone else.

[loveisanaction]

OP, weren't you exclusively dating someone before this girl came back into your life?

 

What happened with that girl?

[burnt]

The easy answer is she's using you and being a manipulative person.

The harder answer is she's telling you the truth and human emotions are very complex.

 

I believe what this woman is telling you. I know how the mind works (or should I say how the mind doesn't work) when involved in an affair.

 

Like virtually all OW, being tortured again and again, she still can't cut ties with the MM. The moment he comes back and treats her like a string puppet, she'll fall back for him WITHOUT control--even though she doesn't want to. That's the painful reality.

 

Yes I believe her that she's trying to detach herself from this toxic man and trying to start something healthy with you. Unfortunately, she's at the same state as most drug addicts. They want to quit but too weak to do so.

 

I'm sorry to have to say that as much as you may want to have a healthy relationship with her, SHE is not ready and will not be ready anytime soon. She will need TIME, a long time, to free herself from all attachments with this %&@!@#$ MM. And that "growing up" she has to do on her own. You are clearly kind and willing to give all you can, but you are at the end of an unbalanced relationship which is hurting YOU.

 

You don't have a choice but to walk away, as much as you hate to hear it.

 

I found it very painful to read your post OP. This man is is using everyone around him for his own selfish needs. His wife, his other woman--putting everyone through endless push-pull and horrible pain. And here you are COMPLETELY innocent and yet paying a hefty price for his despicable behavior.

[stillafool]

So what is your current gf thinking about you spending so much time with your ex?

[WhirlwindGuy]

OP, weren't you exclusively dating someone before this girl came back into your life?

 

What happened with that girl?

 

 

 

We were on the rocks for a while; short of it is, I realized, after some very tough conversations, that she and I were very far from compatible for long term. But yes, this all happened in very quick succession. That just complicates it further.

Edited May 2, 2016 by WhirlwindGuy

[LivingDeadGrl]

I understand that you feel there is more to this and the connection is so rare, but honestly if she felt that too she wouldn't still be entertaining this MM. She doesn't feel the same way you do, at all. All you are is a bandaid.

 

I have a connection with a man that I've known for 4 years and he started dating a woman while I was going through a breakup and he was there for me. We ended up sleeping together while he was with her and then I didn't hear from him for 2 months. I then allowed him back into my life after we talked through it and eventually he told me he was moving in with her (they had only been dating 4 months). I told him he was making a mistake. He agreed but did it anyway because of financial reasons (his excuse). He comes to me every time they are on the outs. He lives 6 hours away from me and last time he was in town he tried to meet up with me and I said no. I wasn't going to be his side piece. Now they are on a break and he's come to me again and I've ignored him. We DO have a very intense connection. I DO see myself with him and believe we may even be soul mates, but I can't allow him to treat me like a back up. I know his heart just wants to be able to vent to me and I truly want more than anything to be there for him but I just can't.

You need to have some respect for yourself until she has this man out of her life and even if that does happen it sounds like she will always have a spot for him and it could be something you'll always have to deal with.

[ExpatInItaly]

We were on the rocks for a while; short of it is, I realized, after some very tough conversations, that she and I were very far from compatible for long term. But yes, this all happened in very quick succession. That just complicates it further.

 

Meaning...are you still seeing her, too? Or did you already break if off?

[WhirlwindGuy]

I understand that you feel there is more to this and the connection is so rare, but honestly if she felt that too she wouldn't still be entertaining this MM. She doesn't feel the same way you do, at all. All you are is a bandaid.

 

 

 

I agree with you somewhat, although I know she is trying to break it off with him, he is just extremely persistent and manipulative. He throws her away, and the moment he catches wind of the fact that she is seeing someone (me especially, he hates me) he all of the sudden HAS to have her back.

 

 

This is so insane, but this latest time he broke it of with her, told her he couldn't see a way forward with her, he has a family, etc. went back to his family. She tweeted a song that her and I had talked about, and I liked the tweet. He saw it, and her phone started blowing up...why was she with me, what were we doing, why was she making this mistake, why was she throwing away their love....WHAT in the ACTUAL F?!? Who says this stuff after JUST saying he was done and going back to his wife? She told him no, and to leave her alone, but he still calls and texts incessantly...he knows im around, and it drives him crazy.

 

 

Now he is really going to get a divorce this time, suddenly now that I am back in the picture, even though as he called her last night to tell her this, his wife is yelling and crying in the background about who he was talking to, and is it that girl, etc etc...He calls to tell her his dad is dying and he had to spend all day at the hospital...boohoo, how sad! She of course feels sorry for him, like she needs to go comfort him.

 

 

What an absolute creep! It is so aggravating. More than anything, I care about her and don't want this for her. How she could choose this for herself...I will never understand. Hell in a few years this guy will be SEVENTY! she will be 40 something...how can you even imagine that is going to work? Marriage, me, everything else aside.

[WhirlwindGuy]

Meaning...are you still seeing her, too? Or did you already break if off?

 

No, we have completely broken it off...even more so today as I came clean to her about this ex and where I stood. It has been a messy day.

[BuddyX]

Look at the bright side. She's going to end up with the MM. They'll get hitched, start a family and she'll be on the hook for changing "two" set of diapers.