Love Triangle

[WhirlwindGuy]

Look at the bright side. She's going to end up with the MM. They'll get hitched, start a family and she'll be on the hook for changing "two" set of diapers.

 

 

 

So depressing! But believe me, I have thought it, and even said it...

[loveisanaction]

I tell you, sometimes relationships completely baffle me.

 

On one hand you'll have a woman who is married to the most wonderful man on earth; loving, caring, affectionate, great father and treats her like a princess, but she will still go out and have an affair and be pining away for another man who treats her the dirt under his shoes.

 

Then on the other hand you'll have a guy like the OP; single, probably a good guy in general, ready for commitment, and very much in love with this single girl who refuses to give up her 57 year old married man who is using her for sex. Yet the OP still wants to be with her.

 

Relationships...

 

I'll never understand them....

[LivingDeadGrl]

I agree with you somewhat, although I know she is trying to break it off with him, he is just extremely persistent and manipulative. He throws her away, and the moment he catches wind of the fact that she is seeing someone (me especially, he hates me) he all of the sudden HAS to have her back.

 

 

This is so insane, but this latest time he broke it of with her, told her he couldn't see a way forward with her, he has a family, etc. went back to his family. She tweeted a song that her and I had talked about, and I liked the tweet. He saw it, and her phone started blowing up...why was she with me, what were we doing, why was she making this mistake, why was she throwing away their love....WHAT in the ACTUAL F?!? Who says this stuff after JUST saying he was done and going back to his wife? She told him no, and to leave her alone, but he still calls and texts incessantly...he knows im around, and it drives him crazy.

 

 

Now he is really going to get a divorce this time, suddenly now that I am back in the picture, even though as he called her last night to tell her this, his wife is yelling and crying in the background about who he was talking to, and is it that girl, etc etc...He calls to tell her his dad is dying and he had to spend all day at the hospital...boohoo, how sad! She of course feels sorry for him, like she needs to go comfort him.

 

 

What an absolute creep! It is so aggravating. More than anything, I care about her and don't want this for her. How she could choose this for herself...I will never understand. Hell in a few years this guy will be SEVENTY! she will be 40 something...how can you even imagine that is going to work? Marriage, me, everything else aside.

 

Look at you, all caught up in her drama of a life. How does it feel?

 

If she wanted to get rid of him she would. We all know how easy it is to block and delete someone. If he shows up at her house she can call the police. She still loves him. Why are you involved with all of this? Even if you have a relationship again, you started it while she was in love and active with someone else. Just. Stop.

Come onnnnnnnn, see the big picture here.

[ShatteredLady]

This is very embarrassing but I'll share my story so you know what you're dealing with.

 

12, (yes! TWELVE) years ago my husband had an affair with a young lady he worked with. They split-up, no contact, all over.

 

She's had very close, living together, relationships with other 'soul mates' over the years but CONTINUED to contact my H a few times a year ever since. Last year my H was having a bad time in his life....It took 2 messages via Linked-In to hook her again!!

 

Some people just get hooked! It is like an addiction. She allowed herself to be used AGAIN. She now has 2 children & a completely different life but sadly my H still knows how to press her buttons. If I were a man I would NEVER date her. She is as faithful as my H & shamefully I've discovered that it's not at all trustworthy. Do you want your love dependent on HIS whims?

 

I've read some of your posts & you seem like a very nice man looking for love in all the wrong places. Please take care of your heart.

[BuddyX]

I tell you, sometimes relationships completely baffle me.

 

On one hand you'll have a woman who is married to the most wonderful man on earth; loving, caring, affectionate, great father and treats her like a princess, but she will still go out and have an affair and be pining away for another man who treats her the dirt under his shoes.

 

Then on the other hand you'll have a guy like the OP; single, probably a good guy in general, ready for commitment, and very much in love with this single girl who refuses to give up her 57 year old married man who is using her for sex. Yet the OP still wants to be with her.

 

Relationships...

 

I'll never understand them....

 

Relationships are easy. I'll quote Bobby Deniro from Heat.

"Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner."

 

Had a great GF who started to get a little too weird for me. Early stages of push pull dynamic. My motto is "Hit it before the crazy outweighs the hot". My ex asked "why did you dump me?". And I gave her that quote.

[LivingWaterPlease]

WhirlwindGuy, the only chance you have with this woman (even if she leaves MM for good right now) is to cut her loose. Don't act all mushy and sad about it. And don't call her back after you do it. Also, don't tell her that when she's finished with the other guy you'll date her.

 

Tell her you've realized you need to date around some period no

 

She will respect you for it. Right now she can't respect you because she knows no matter how she treats you you'll still be there. The way things are you don't stand a chance of having a real relationship with her even if the other guy falls off a cliff tonight.

 

No woman respects a guy who makes himself available while she fools around with someone else.

[sandylee1]

She's allowing herself to be manipulated....she's 33 ... not 13. She knew he was married .....it's only a tiny percentage of cases that the MM isn't up front about married. If he deceived her..she WOULD have told you that.

 

What baffles me a bit ... is why you'd want a relationship with someone like her.... that has no problem sleeping with a MM... her only turmoil is the push pull she gets from MM.... nothing about her part in the infidelity.

 

What would be your end game with her? Wife? Or just a relationship. So many BHs (betrayed husbands) I support talk about not knowing their wives (former OWs) were still having an affair with their MM before and during their marriage. So many of them never get over the MM and decide to settle ..... as they couldn't have the one they wanted.

 

I once had a situation where a man was cheating on his wife for 20 years ... During that time his OW met and married a man. The affair never stopped.

 

Best of luck to you.

[ShatteredLady]

I hate this!!

 

Quote - "Relationships are easy. I'll quote Bobby Deniro from Heat.

"Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner."

 

I'm a hapless romantic. I'd NEVER been treated badly by ANY man in my life. My grandad, Dad, brother, uncles, cousins, boyfriends etc were ALL really nice, kind guys. Before I was a LONG way into marriage no man had ever disrespected or treated me badly. My best friend from my youth is a man.

 

I'm a hapless romantic! My religion, my faith, my truth is unconditional love, marriage, FAMILY. I'm completely loyal to my friends & family.

 

When someone hurts me my first thought is "Why". Ok, I make excuses for people. I stand by 'my people'. I defend them. I keep them safe. I keep the faith.

 

That's me!

 

This is horrible! This is pretty much the opposite of me....

 

"Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner."

 

I can't remember 'Heat'. I'm assuming by "anything" you're referring to human beings?

 

My quote would be... "Try to keep your heart safe. If you're truly attached to anyone give them the benefit of doubt. Analyse & understand them in their entirety. If you feel heat around the corner protect your loves, guide & support them to make better choices!".

 

Anything that starts with, "Don't let yourself get attached to anything you're not willing to walk out on...." Isn't something that would ever pass the lips of someone I'd become attached to!

 

 

Being a harder person may have saved me from untold pain & anguish in my marriage but I would have lost pretty much everything that truly means anything to me.

 

There is so much pain & suffering on this forum but what really makes me cry is seeing sensitive, loving, devoted people so damaged, so broken that they protect themselves by killing what made them so very special in the first place! Most people aren't so sensitive that they find forums to pour their hearts out on. Please keep the faith & stay true.

 

This isn't the lady for you op but I believe that there is a loving, kind, beautiful woman just for you! I know from reading your threads that you're at a place in your life where you want HOME, love, passion, connection, romance, 'your person'.

 

The other woman you posted about wasn't the right fit for you & neither is this one. Give yourself & if they're not right, they're not right. Move on when she's not the one but PLEASE don't become cynical!

 

Only "walk out on" the wrong ones. "Walk away holding the hand of the right one & protect her when you feel heat around the corner".

 

 

I loved being loved, cherished & married. That blind faith that I'd found my forever person. Family. Complete connection. I wish that everyone could feel that.

[WhirlwindGuy]

This isn't the lady for you op but I believe that there is a loving, kind, beautiful woman just for you! I know from reading your threads that you're at a place in your life where you want HOME, love, passion, connection, romance, 'your person'.

 

The other woman you posted about wasn't the right fit for you & neither is this one. Give yourself & if they're not right, they're not right. Move on when she's not the one but PLEASE don't become cynical!

 

Only "walk out on" the wrong ones. "Walk away holding the hand of the right one & protect her when you feel heat around the corner".

 

 

I loved being loved, cherished & married. That blind faith that I'd found my forever person. Family. Complete connection. I wish that everyone could feel that.

 

 

 

Thank you for this. I needed it this morning.

 

 

I met her yesterday after work for coffee. She refused to meet at my apartment. I get it, things typically escalate between us when we are there, but it still kind of stings.

 

 

I told her that this was the last time I wanted to have this conversation. From that point on, our conversations would be friendly and plutonic until she can agree to try a relationship with me. I laid out where I was, what I wanted, and how I was willing to do it. She told me she felt like I didn't understand her and what she was struggling with, and she felt like I was pressuring her to make a decision about me. She said that this OM was pressuring her to make a decision about him, and I was pulling her to me and it was all too much. I have a roommate and best friend who was the OM in a relationship, and we have talked extensively about it. I know exactly what she is going through.

 

 

I told her the ball is in her court. Im stepping out of the "triangle" if you will, and ill be over here if she decides she wants to come. She said thank you and that she just needs time to sort it out. I told her to take her time, but realize that eventually she is going to look up and the world will be gone, advanced, etc, and she will be stuck in the same spot she was 2 years ago when she met this leech.

 

 

We left the coffee shop, I walked her to her car and gave her a hug. Told her she's up, and that I hope to hear from her soon. That was that...

 

 

We text off and on yesterday evening, mostly about the baseball game. I sent her an article I read about dealing with an affair. I don't think she liked that too much, and in hindsight, I probably shouldn't have sent it...

 

 

Im trying to remember that I can be happy with out her, but its hard.

Edited May 3, 2016 by WhirlwindGuy

[S2B]

So you told her you're stepping away but then texted with her all evening? That's not stepping out.

 

Don't communicate with her at all.

 

Now she knows she can still string you along by texting. It feeds her ego. It keeps you stuck and focused on her inability to decide.

 

Notice she didn't say she would stop all contact with the old dude? Notice she still is reeling you in as well?

 

She's keeping you on her line because you are allowing it. Just don't communicate with her at all.

 

If she hasn't decided to see ONLY you by now - she's probably a gal that will always need multiple men to satisfy her ego...you really want to be a part of that equation?

[LivingWaterPlease]

Platonic means she still has you wrapped...and she knows it.

 

It's going to take totally cutting her loose without telling her what you expect and where she can find you. You don't even need to comment on that.

 

Just, "It's been nice, you're a great girl, I need to date around some. Bye bye."

 

As it is you're easing her off of you and that makes it easier for her to not be dating you. Let her go suddenly and she'll miss you. She's going to have to realize she's lost something before she changes anything.

 

This is not gamey because it's what you need to do to move on, too. Because you're not going to have her by easing her off of you. You're also keeping yourself attached.

 

Don't mean to be blunt but trying to get you to see you're hurting yourself and hate for you to do that.

Edited May 3, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[BuddyX]

You remind me of my nephew, who's 17.

Every time I give him advice he tells me of how little I know and how I don't understand. Rolling my eyes.

 

You know you're the sloppy seconds in the entire equation. Go cold turkey NC. And yeah sending her affair articles is pathetic.

[WhirlwindGuy]

Platonic means she still has you wrapped...and she knows it.

 

It's going to take totally cutting her loose without telling her what you expect and where she can find you. You don't even need to comment on that.

 

Just, "It's been nice, you're a great girl, I need to date around some. Bye bye."

 

As it is you're easing her off of you and that makes it easier for her to not be dating you. Let her go suddenly and she'll miss you. She's going to have to realize she's lost something before she changes anything.

 

This is not gamey because it's what you need to do to move on, too. Because you're not going to have her by easing her off of you. You're also keeping yourself attached.

 

Don't mean to be blunt but trying to get you to see you're hurting yourself and hate for you to do that.

 

Thank you, I'm working on getting there.

 

And for the idea that "if she hasn't chosen you by now..." well realistically we've known each other for about a month. We have known each other for 6, but 5 of those we were not talking or barely talking.

 

I feel like if she could trust that I am who I say i am, she would make the right decision, but I can't make her do that...I think you are right, she is going to have to miss me.

 

What i worry about is that i walk away completely, and she gets her fears reaffirmed, "see i am worthless, I run away everything good in my life, this married man is the only person who likes me for who i am, so i have to go back to him!"

 

If i keep pressing, "See this guy doesn't get me, he won't give me time to figure it out and chose him!"

 

So I guess I'm in a lose lose situation, or at least a very precarious one, if a relationship with her is what i ultimately want.

 

Why am i even pursuing this? I know thats what everyone is likely asking, and you are right, it seems pretty damn stupid on the surface. But i can't explain the connection and the potential i feel with this woman. Believe me, i wish i could just turn and walk away, or just "hit it and quit it" like some guys can do. I am not that guy. I have only felt this way about one other person in my life. I have spent decades in bad relationships with the wrong people, i feel like the least i can do is spend a couple of months trying to chase what I feel to be one of the good ones "for me".

[Lois_Griffin]

You are an ego stroke..

He's not even that. He's simply an option.

 

OP, you're nothing more than Plan B every time Father Time does his disappearing act on her every other week.

 

You've effectively become nothing more than a doormat.

[S2B]

Thank you, I'm working on getting there.

 

And for the idea that "if she hasn't chosen you by now..." well realistically we've known each other for about a month. We have known each other for 6, but 5 of those we were not talking or barely talking.

 

I feel like if she could trust that I am who I say i am, she would make the right decision, but I can't make her do that...I think you are right, she is going to have to miss me.

 

What i worry about is that i walk away completely, and she gets her fears reaffirmed, "see i am worthless, I run away everything good in my life, this married man is the only person who likes me for who i am, so i have to go back to him!"

 

If i keep pressing, "See this guy doesn't get me, he won't give me time to figure it out and chose him!"

 

So I guess I'm in a lose lose situation, or at least a very precarious one, if a relationship with her is what i ultimately want.

 

Why am i even pursuing this? I know thats what everyone is likely asking, and you are right, it seems pretty damn stupid on the surface. But i can't explain the connection and the potential i feel with this woman. Believe me, i wish i could just turn and walk away, or just "hit it and quit it" like some guys can do. I am not that guy. I have only felt this way about one other person in my life. I have spent decades in bad relationships with the wrong people, i feel like the least i can do is spend a couple of months trying to chase what I feel to be one of the good ones "for me".

 

But you are chasing and then waiting, right?

 

And she holds all the power because she isn't that interested - or interested enough to try out a real relationship with you.

 

So she is elusive and you are left with nothing...except being an ego stroke for her while she wastes your time and energy.

[WhirlwindGuy]

But you are chasing and then waiting, right?

 

And she holds all the power because she isn't that interested - or interested enough to try out a real relationship with you.

 

So she is elusive and you are left with nothing...except being an ego stroke for her while she wastes your time and energy.

 

Well i guess i am not really chasing right now. Im trying to just be a "dude" with her that enjoys the same baseball team and activities, we also do the same thing for a living, so chat about work. So our texts have been mostly about that (aside from my lapse and sending an article about affairs).

 

I decided to take a week and get my head straight, and then go back to dating next week. I was asked out by a girl on Tinder last night and I agreed to meet her next week. I am going to try and take it extremely slow, pace myself well, and just let time pass and see what happens.

 

Who knows, maybe i meet someone amazing and i forget about this nightmare completely. Or maybe it reaffirms she is the one for me, and some time passes and we live happily ever after.

 

Time will tell i suppose...in the mean time, my main focus is me. Im back in the gym starting yesterday, going out to play basketball at lunch today (in about 10 min)...working on some stuff i had put on hold for a few months.

[anika99]

Thank you, I'm working on getting there.

 

And for the idea that "if she hasn't chosen you by now..." well realistically we've known each other for about a month. We have known each other for 6, but 5 of those we were not talking or barely talking.

 

When she started seeing the MM she likely said the same thing. "Well realistically we've only been messing around for x number of months, I can't expect him to leave a years long marriage so quickly"

 

I feel like if she could trust that I am who I say i am, she would make the right decision, but I can't make her do that...I think you are right, she is going to have to miss me.

 

She also feels like if her MM would just trust her, he would make the "right" decision and get a divorce

 

What i worry about is that i walk away completely, and she gets her fears reaffirmed, "see i am worthless, I run away everything good in my life, this married man is the only person who likes me for who i am, so i have to go back to him!"

 

She has the same worry about her MM. "What if he really is going to leave his wife but then backs out out of doing it because I wasn't there for him? I need to hold his hand every step of the way so he can make the "right" decision"

 

If i keep pressing, "See this guy doesn't get me, he won't give me time to figure it out and chose him!"

 

So I guess I'm in a lose lose situation, or at least a very precarious one, if a relationship with her is what i ultimately want.

 

Why am i even pursuing this? I know thats what everyone is likely asking, and you are right, it seems pretty damn stupid on the surface. But i can't explain the connection and the potential i feel with this woman. Believe me, i wish i could just turn and walk away, or just "hit it and quit it" like some guys can do. I am not that guy. I have only felt this way about one other person in my life. I have spent decades in bad relationships with the wrong people, i feel like the least i can do is spend a couple of months trying to chase what I feel to be one of the good ones "for me".

 

And she feels like there is a special connection and potential with her MM. You don't have to look very far to know what she feels or thinks. Just look in the mirror as you are the same as her. Hopefully some new chick doesn't come along thinking she is so special that she is going to rescue you from the clutches of this woman while you are trying to rescue this woman from the clutches of her MM, while she is trying to rescue her MM from the clutches of his wife....lol..

[S2B]

I think she friend zoned you. She just isn't willing to tell you.

 

Meanwhile - she's focused on a married dude.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thank you, I'm working on getting there.

 

And for the idea that "if she hasn't chosen you by now..." well realistically we've known each other for about a month. We have known each other for 6, but 5 of those we were not talking or barely talking.

 

I feel like if she could trust that I am who I say i am, she would make the right decision, but I can't make her do that...I think you are right, she is going to have to miss me.

 

What i worry about is that i walk away completely, and she gets her fears reaffirmed, "see i am worthless, I run away everything good in my life, this married man is the only person who likes me for who i am, so i have to go back to him!"

 

If i keep pressing, "See this guy doesn't get me, he won't give me time to figure it out and chose him!"

 

So I guess I'm in a lose lose situation, or at least a very precarious one, if a relationship with her is what i ultimately want.

 

Why am i even pursuing this? I know thats what everyone is likely asking, and you are right, it seems pretty damn stupid on the surface. But i can't explain the connection and the potential i feel with this woman. Believe me, i wish i could just turn and walk away, or just "hit it and quit it" like some guys can do. I am not that guy. I have only felt this way about one other person in my life. I have spent decades in bad relationships with the wrong people, i feel like the least i can do is spend a couple of months trying to chase what I feel to be one of the good ones "for me".

 

I didn't post, "if she hasn't chosen you by now," and from my perspective the time factor doesn't enter into the equation. In fact, imo, the longer she knows you while dallying with you, the worse it is for you.

 

Understand that she's not making a decision based on logic. She's making a decision based on drama.

 

The MM cut her loose and has treated her horribly. From a logical standpoint she should hate him, but sadly, and hate to put it this way to you, but she craves him. She's taken all kinds of doo doo from him and still wants him.

 

It's her emotions, not logic, that's fueling her.

 

I don't think you're in a lose lose situation. I think she is. She's losing out on a great guy, you, for a messed up guy, MM.

 

Imo, the sooner you're out of the picture, the sooner MM dumps her again. Until he dumps her again, it seems to me you're friend-zoned.

 

But, you need to make your own decisions, obviously, this is just my perspective I'm sharing with you.

[WhirlwindGuy]

And she feels like there is a special connection and potential with her MM. You don't have to look very far to know what she feels or thinks. Just look in the mirror as you are the same as her. Hopefully some new chick doesn't come along thinking she is so special that she is going to rescue you from the clutches of this woman while you are trying to rescue this woman from the clutches of her MM, while she is trying to rescue her MM from the clutches of his wife....lol..

 

 

 

I know...I have thought about the same thing...I feel like a drug addict...

[BuddyX]

Put this quote on your phone. "I don't chase my drinks and I don't chase my women"

Trust me, when your employed, intelligent, and most importantly confident you'll have women throw themselves at you.

But first you have to "don't give AF"

[privategal]

The heart wants...what the heart wants.

She wants HIM.

THERE IS ZERO QUESTION OR ANALYZING.

Now...to prove my point...I have a husband of the YEAR.

A good job, loves me like crazyyyy, makes my coffee, buys me flowers, dates me, texts me, calls me, expresses constant love, affection, attention...I STILL had an emotional affair when I had the perfect man all along.

It goes to show...we chase after the elusive, even the abusive, we must want the love we cant have. I dont know but I would block her as if she was DEAD.

GO DARK.

This is ridiculous.

She is using you she doesnt WANT you...taking her to dinner and ballgames and romance but she wants the one who DOESNT want her?

There are millions of single nice pretty girls searching for YOU.

She isnt one of them.

Dont be her crutch, her shoulder, her doormat while shes praying he will want her.

You did want her...CUT THAT OFF.

BLOCCKKKKK.

[whichwayisup]

I know...I have thought about the same thing...I feel like a drug addict...

 

All the more reason to not be in contact with her. It's not good for you and it certainly keeps your feelings alive for her.

 

Sad to say but realistically she's not going to choose you. She's IN LOVE with this MM and you don't stand a chance. You're worth more (just like you see the worth in her, we see it in you) than being her back up and go to guy when MM doesn't have the time for her. She is addicted to him, you're addicted to her.

 

You say you've only known her for 6 months but really just invested 1 month or so into her so on some level detaching and removing yourself completely from her life shouldn't be as hard as it would be if you invested years into her.

 

You also don't know her well and she doesn't know you too well either, which is why she will always choose and run to MM over you. He's what she knows and feels safe, even though it's damaging to her and wrong. I say she's damaging and wrong for you.

 

Do you see that you two are in similar situations, you see hers so clearly - APPLY the same logic to yourself.

[WhirlwindGuy]

All the more reason to not be in contact with her. It's not good for you and it certainly keeps your feelings alive for her.

 

Sad to say but realistically she's not going to choose you. She's IN LOVE with this MM and you don't stand a chance. You're worth more (just like you see the worth in her, we see it in you) than being her back up and go to guy when MM doesn't have the time for her. She is addicted to him, you're addicted to her.

 

You say you've only known her for 6 months but really just invested 1 month or so into her so on some level detaching and removing yourself completely from her life shouldn't be as hard as it would be if you invested years into her.

 

You also don't know her well and she doesn't know you too well either, which is why she will always choose and run to MM over you. He's what she knows and feels safe, even though it's damaging to her and wrong. I say she's damaging and wrong for you.

 

Do you see that you two are in similar situations, you see hers so clearly - APPLY the same logic to yourself.

 

I absolutely see it, and you are right...it is just hard to swallow. I am working on it, and feel myself getting better.

[WhirlwindGuy]

Well she officially ended it yesterday evening.

 

 

I guess she got what she wanted from me and her MM finally wormed his way back through.

 

 

I am cutting it off completely now. I replied and sent her my thoughts, and that is that.

 

 

Im sick of loving people that aren't capable of loving me back. My capacity to hurt has been exceeded. I don't even know what to do from here.

 

 

Thank you guys for all of the advice.