My is my ex still pestering me?

[Brutum Fulmen]

Important facts:

 

- She broke up with me over a year ago

- She initiated contact with me 2 weeks ago after over a year of NC.

- She's initiating 100% of the contact. I haven't reached out to her, but I do reply.

 

 

When she got in contact the first time I simply assumed she wanted to see me. I told her that it was nice to hear from her again and that I'd love to see her. She quickly replied "[...] I'm back on the 10th (May) and I'm definitely up for a catch up :)".

 

So I then asked that she should get in touch when she was back and we could organise something more concrete then, and I left it at that when she responded.

 

A couple days later she contacts me again to say "Omg I'm going to watch this football (soccer) game in Rio today. I'm so excited!!!"

 

 

She is making 100% of the effort to get in contact, which I think is what is needed from a dumper.

 

It's kind of annoying that she's still contacting me even though I asked her to contact me on the 10th. I thought that would be best because she would back in the country.

 

 

So I'm going to continue letting her make 100% of contact. I will reply, but I'm hoping she doesn't until the 10th. When (if) she does, I'll ask her to come over to mine with a bottle of wine or a drink of her choice and we can make dinner together.

 

 

What are your thoughts?

[privategal]

Id read nc guide again.

Why would you meet her at all?

Why does she feel its ok to dump you then get together?

The only contact you should accept is "I made a mistake, I want you back"

Good for you for being cordial but it makes you not get any respect that she can just waltz back into your life and get to meet up with you (ego stroke) and tell you how great her trip is (ego stroke)...the ego strokes for her are endless.

You should have ignored all contact.

She dumped you.

[Brutum Fulmen]

Id read nc guide again.

Why would you meet her at all?

 

NC, to me, means Walking away and meaning it.

 

It's not that dodgy 30-day No Contact nonsense. It's not that "Limited Contact" bullcrap either that I've seen on here.

 

It effectively tells the dumper that you're gone for ever.

 

If he/she is OK with that, you won't hear from them again... if not, they'll reach out.

 

 

Sure it might be that "ego stroke" you talk about... I'll just have to see it if it's the case when we meet.

[Marco Valerio]

Yep, she must be delighted that you are so open to talk to her and that she's been appreciated. Total ego boost for her.

If you want her back in your life...you shouldn't be so easily reached.

[Brutum Fulmen]

Yep, she must be delighted that you are so open to talk to her and that she's been appreciated. Total ego boost for her.

If you want her back in your life...you shouldn't be so easily reached.

 

 

Then what should I do?

 

Ignore her messages... is that going to help?

[privategal]

Then what should I do?

 

Ignore her messages... is that going to help?

It would have helped yes...

She would have thought..oh...he wasnt waiting for me...hes moved on, but nope...she messages and is vague and poof...there you are...jumped to reply..

So see? Theres no consequences for her just dumping you.

She got to step away...live her life...and then decide to step right back in to find you Johnny on the spot "Id love to see you".

She gave you nothing concrete...I want to meet you to talk to you about us, I want you back and have been lost without you...Ive changed xyz and am ready to do xyz for us...

Nope...breadcrumb drop in and your eating the crumbs and jumping into meeting her wheres shes gonna tell you all about her her her...just like she dropped in to tell you about her trip.

You havent been in touch for how long so id you benefit from hearing her brag?

She wanted to let you know shes enjoying HER life...and look how cool she is and how much fun shes having.

Ugh.

[leevisp]

This is the CW approach, and I think it seems like the right approach. To me, it's not "too available" at all. You maintained no contact for over a year. That's boss.

 

No need to act butt-hurt about things. It's like an old friend reaching out. There's strength in just manning up and being cool. It's your masculine core... you're centered. You're not gonna let the way she treated you turn you into a sniveling brat who needs to ignore her because your wittwe feewings got huwt.

 

 

Just treat her like any other girl that you'd be dating from scratch, I say. I really hate the advice that people give where they say not to respond unless you get "I made a mistake and I want you back." Why would you want to jump straight into a relationship with someone who screwed you over?

 

Why would you want her to be so quick to become an exclusive item again after so long? She doesn't even know you anymore. I wouldn't trust that for a second.

 

That's moving waaaay too fast. Date and attract this girl from scratch, I say. It's a new day, a new opportunity, and a new chapter.

 

From this point forward, if she blows you off or acts in any way that leads you to believe that she's jerking you around... back to no initiated contact. That's basically what you're doing now anyway, and have been for over a year now.

 

I think what you're doing is perfect... and it's exactly what I'm going to do if my ex gf should reach out to me in the future.

 

The key is, you really NEED to be living a great life and NOT waiting around for her like a lost puppy. Then, who cares what impression you're giving her? Shouldn't affect you whatsoever.

 

Excellent job on rockin' the year of NIC.

[basil67]

I don't think she has any intention of getting back with you. If she did want it, she would have started out with an apology. But this girl is carrying just like and old friend who accidentally fell out of contact.

 

My advice is to ask her why she's contacting you. Yes, be this blunt. Odds on she will tell you "I want to be frieeeends".

Edited May 2, 2016 by basil67

[Brutum Fulmen]

This is the CW approach, and I think it seems like the right approach. To me, it's not "too available" at all. You maintained no contact for over a year. That's boss.

 

No need to act butt-hurt about things. It's like an old friend reaching out. There's strength in just manning up and being cool. It's your masculine core... you're centered. You're not gonna let the way she treated you turn you into a sniveling brat who needs to ignore her because your wittwe feewings got huwt.

 

 

Just treat her like any other girl that you'd be dating from scratch, I say. I really hate the advice that people give where they say not to respond unless you get "I made a mistake and I want you back." Why would you want to jump straight into a relationship with someone who screwed you over?

 

Why would you want her to be so quick to become an exclusive item again after so long? She doesn't even know you anymore. I wouldn't trust that for a second.

 

That's moving waaaay too fast. Date and attract this girl from scratch, I say. It's a new day, a new opportunity, and a new chapter.

 

From this point forward, if she blows you off or acts in any way that leads you to believe that she's jerking you around... back to no initiated contact. That's basically what you're doing now anyway, and have been for over a year now.

 

I think what you're doing is perfect... and it's exactly what I'm going to do if my ex gf should reach out to me in the future.

 

The key is, you really NEED to be living a great life and NOT waiting around for her like a lost puppy. Then, who cares what impression you're giving her? Shouldn't affect you whatsoever.

 

Excellent job on rockin' the year of NIC.

 

 

Cheers mate.

 

Yeah Corey Wayne has been an inspiration over the last few months - heck year.

 

My life is going really well at this moment. I'm having fun, getting with other girls... I'm not sat here begging for my ex back - I know most people here think so.

 

I will PM you any updates

[leevisp]

I don't think she has any intention of getting back with you. If she did want it, she would have started out with an apology. But this girl is carrying just like and old friend who accidentally fell out of contact.

 

My advice is to ask her why she's contacting you. Yes, be this blunt. Odds on she will tell you "I want to be frieeeends".

 

IMHO, if you ask her what she wants, that's going to come off almost as crazy as if you asked a girl you just met "what she wants" in regards to her attraction for and/or romantic intentions with you.

 

The fact is, right now, she wants to meet him at his place and have a bottle of wine. Where it goes from there is anyone's guess... and can be largely influenced by the OP's ability to re-attract (and even seduce) her, if that's what he wants.

 

But I honestly believe that he's playing this thing perfectly. It doesn't matter what she wants in terms of relationship stuff right now... that's jumping the gun. Maybe this needs to be a slooow process. One date at a time.

 

In fact, I don't think he should EVER ask her what she wants... even after several dates, if it gets that far. In the same way that he shouldn't initiate contact, he should make her bring up all the relationship stuff.

 

His job should simply be to be fun, charming, sweet, centered, and strong. But he should still be free to date other women... and should allow her the freedom to date other dudes...

 

Until SHE brings up the whole exclusivity thing.

 

Besides, after a year of being strangers, how could she accurately assess the situation well enough to even know that she only wants to be friends?

 

What the OP is doing right now is making HER jump through HIS hoops. SHE made first contact. He invited her to go out of HER way to go to HIS house. He's not meeting her half-way. He's kickin' back and making her come to him... and he's even telling her to bring a bottle of wine.

 

That's pretty assertive and strong, if you ask me. Not that you did... but IF.

 

I am certainly open to a different perspective... but this really does seem like a pretty solid approach to me.

 

It's not my intention to be combative. I have just read so much on this topic and from everything I've seen, this strategy seems by far to be the most sound.

 

Puts you in the driver's seat. Makes the dumper do all of the heavy lifting. It takes them off the pedestal. And it achieves these things without bitterness, undue suspicion, or fear of rejection (at least no more fear than you would have on any other first date... and probably less, because at least you already know that some base-level of attraction existed at some point).

[basil67]

I don't see any correlation between asking a dumper "why are you contacting me?" And asking a new guy "do you see a future?"

 

Though perhaps my blunt and not particularly caring tone used in asking the question was lost in translation???

[jonesey0]

This post and all that nonsense about invite her over to make dinner,have a glass of wine, corey wayne and other scam artists around the web...is just laughable.

 

Any girl who goes after a stunt like that is either stupid or really desperate. And who would want someone like that?

 

Stop playing games and behaving like a child. Acting like a man? Be upfront about things and do not play around the bushes with silly man-child tactics.

 

And i would bet you have waited a looooong year to try to pull this stunt.

 

Hope it works. Wont be for long though, sorry to tell you.

[leevisp]

This post and all that nonsense about invite her over to make dinner,have a glass of wine, corey wayne and other scam artists around the web...is just laughable.

 

Any girl who goes after a stunt like that is either stupid or really desperate. And who would want someone like that?

 

Stop playing games and behaving like a child. Acting like a man? Be upfront about things and do not play around the bushes with silly man-child tactics.

 

And i would bet you have waited a looooong year to try to pull this stunt.

 

Hope it works. Wont be for long though, sorry to tell you.

 

Why is it a stunt? How is it a game? Upfront about what? What works better?

 

Thanks for your input.

[leevisp]

I don't see any correlation between asking a dumper "why are you contacting me?" And asking a new guy "do you see a future?"

 

Though perhaps my blunt and not particularly caring tone used in asking the question was lost in translation???

 

Touche.

 

I jumped to that conclusion on my own. My apologies.

 

At first glance, "why are you contacting me?" seems loaded with the subtext "is your intention romantic?" But that may not be the case at all.

 

By the way, I am not married to the aforementioned strategy, and perhaps less passionate about it than I've led on. Nor am I a CW fanboy... I don't care about the messenger, only the message.

 

I'm mainly voicing excitement because it *seems* like the best strategy to make meaningful and long-term reconciliation happen.

 

I, like many others on LS, want my best possible chance of reconciliation with the person I adore... and given my particular circumstances, this really *seems* like a very psychologically (and ethically) sound process.

 

I don't see it as game playing, as all you're really doing is inviting your ex on a date... and then just being awesome.

 

If he/she says no, then you're no worse off. Remember, it is THEY who contacted YOU... not the other way around. So you just pardon their intrusion and go back about your business (aka back to NIC and living well). Tell 'em to call in the future if they change their mind. If they call again, invite them over again. If they don't accept, go back to indefinite NIC. No harm, no foul.

 

If they do say yes, then make them come to you. They dumped you, so it's up to them to do the legwork to reestablish any role in your life. It's the same basic concept as continuing to ignore until they say the "magic words" you long to hear... just in a different, more tangible sense.

 

Them getting into their car, going to the store to grab that bottle of wine (or whatever), and driving to your place... that's at least some demonstration that they have some level of interest.

 

Then, you just have fun with them (laugh, throw darts, watch a movie, catch up, enjoy some great conversation, and if romance is in the stars... then ummmm... yeah). Totally be yourself. This isn't about being fake or manipulative. But be your best self. Confident, charming, witty, attentive... whatever makes you unique and awesome.

 

Maybe you won't want your ex back. Maybe they won't want you back.

 

But I think that this determination doesn't necessarily need to be made over the phone as a prerequisite to seeing if a "second chance" is possible. That approach, to me, seems like putting the cart before the horse... especially after a year of estrangement.

 

Again, I'm totally open to counterpoints. Shoot some holes in this strategy if the OP and/or I really ARE doing/planning something ill-advised.

 

I promise to shut up meow.

Edited May 3, 2016 by leevisp

[Brutum Fulmen]

This post and all that nonsense about invite her over to make dinner,have a glass of wine, corey wayne and other scam artists around the web...is just laughable.

 

Any girl who goes after a stunt like that is either stupid or really desperate. And who would want someone like that?

 

Stop playing games and behaving like a child. Acting like a man? Be upfront about things and do not play around the bushes with silly man-child tactics.

 

And i would bet you have waited a looooong year to try to pull this stunt.

 

Hope it works. Wont be for long though, sorry to tell you.

 

I haven't "waited" for her to make contact. I've been living my life. I've travelled, I've met other girls, I've become centred, I've become stronger.

 

I don't care for your opinion on Corey Wayne, neither does he. He isn't a scam artist though, I can assure you.