How Does A 30 Year Old Shy Girl Date

[preraph]

I don't feel like men should be expected to make the first move, but due to my shyness it's pretty much the only way anything would happen. I also wouldn't expect him to pay for everything on dates. I think probably the nicest situation is that he offers, but accepts my offer to pay half. I just feel really bad for guys who are struggling in the dating world..who have to keep asking all the girls and feeling expected to pay for everything.

 

Really interested in the 'meetup' approach to making friends and meeting people...I had never even thought of that before.

 

It's great to pay for some things later once a relationship is established, but honestly, doing it right up front makes you look desperate. Try to remember that men WANT to feel like they are providing for the woman and treating her. It's part of their genetic makeup. Now, they can't all do it on a grand scale, but it makes them feel good if you appreciate them and honestly they may get insecure if you pay because then they're thinking "Does she only want to be friends?" or "is she desperate?" "Does she make a lot of money?" But it's always appropriate after a few dates to reciprocate, though I prefer to do it by cooking for them or baking for them. But you can't do that stuff too soon or you look desperate.

[bluefeather]

Shy Girl,

 

I have never used online dating before, but I hear many horror stories about it, some of which I am certain you will come across on this forum. But still, candidly, I will share you my perspective that, if anything, girls will at least be able to get some sort of reaction from it. This is better than none at all, which it seems like many men struggle with online. In your particular case, maybe I would not recommend it just yet, as it seems you may not even be looking for a potential "mate" yet anyway, correct? Also, IMO, online dating seems a little bit unnatural, and therefore not as fun as meeting someone irl. Maybe one day I will try it and like it, but for now, I am happy doing my thing. And yes, I have also heard that Tinder is geared more towards hookups.

 

It pleases me to know that you too find the idea of meeting someone at a book or game store cool. It gives me hope for my own search. I believe that what you suggested about the PSN name would be very good. I'm sure you would make a guy's day. lol

 

To your door opening guy story, I think any kind of positive interaction would be fine to give back. I consider talk like that "ice-breakers." They are meant to open more "doors" to deeper conversation. Your response should be enough to send the signal to the guy that says, "It's ok to keep trying to talk to me."

 

In any situation out and about, is making eye contact and smiling really enough to give a guy an "opening"?

 

I can't speak for everyone out there, but for me, it can be.. If you can keep your eyes in contact for maybe one second longer than normal along with a smile, that can say quite a bit. If you do it a second time, well, watch for sparks lol... again, I won't speak for all men as some might still be too shy. But as an introvert, myself, I have approached women over actions just like that when single.

 

I agree that meetups are a good idea too, but I might have missed where this was mentioned. Is there a site for those? I remember there used to be a yahoo meetup site, but that was probably over a decade ago!

[hasaquestion]

In any situation out and about, is making eye contact and smiling really enough to give a guy an "opening"?

 

The more replies I read, the more I feel excited to just try branching out socially in general, meetups and things like that. When I am ready to date in the future, it seems like friends introducing me to single friends would be an ideal situation. But at the same time I appreciate more advice on how to look available or seem interested...just in case of those random type meetings I listed above.

 

Making eye contact and smiling is enough of an opening for plenty of guys.

 

But.... I think the cute-and-dorky guy you seem to be looking for, will at best be too shy to take the cue, or at worst be in his own world (like cute and dorky men often are) and not notice. Such men must be found in their natural environment. Which goes back to activities rather than explicit social events.

 

My advice would be to really focus on being more social. For some reason you sound like someone who can go a month without seeing anyone and be okay. That's not a bad thing per se but getting out more has an exponential effect on the number of people you meet. A friend brings a friend who brings a friend.... "getting out more" is something that snowballs.

[No_Go]

OLD I think is the fastest track. In my experience, on the decent sites, most guys were relationship-minded. I'm quite introverted and never messaged first once I was on OLD, but when the guy initiates, it is easy just to follow.

 

I think IRL dating for a shy person works only if there is a repetitive interaction - at work, some kind of social group that meets regularly etc. I just can't ever imagine going out with a stranger (OLD is different - because a background scan makes the person a bit more familiar...)

[Shy Girl]

Shy Girl,

 

I have never used online dating before, but I hear many horror stories about it, some of which I am certain you will come across on this forum. But still, candidly, I will share you my perspective that, if anything, girls will at least be able to get some sort of reaction from it. This is better than none at all, which it seems like many men struggle with online. In your particular case, maybe I would not recommend it just yet, as it seems you may not even be looking for a potential "mate" yet anyway, correct? Also, IMO, online dating seems a little bit unnatural, and therefore not as fun as meeting someone irl. Maybe one day I will try it and like it, but for now, I am happy doing my thing. And yes, I have also heard that Tinder is geared more towards hookups.

 

It pleases me to know that you too find the idea of meeting someone at a book or game store cool. It gives me hope for my own search. I believe that what you suggested about the PSN name would be very good. I'm sure you would make a guy's day. lol

 

To your door opening guy story, I think any kind of positive interaction would be fine to give back. I consider talk like that "ice-breakers." They are meant to open more "doors" to deeper conversation. Your response should be enough to send the signal to the guy that says, "It's ok to keep trying to talk to me."

 

 

 

I can't speak for everyone out there, but for me, it can be.. If you can keep your eyes in contact for maybe one second longer than normal along with a smile, that can say quite a bit. If you do it a second time, well, watch for sparks lol... again, I won't speak for all men as some might still be too shy. But as an introvert, myself, I have approached women over actions just like that when single.

 

I agree that meetups are a good idea too, but I might have missed where this was mentioned. Is there a site for those? I remember there used to be a yahoo meetup site, but that was probably over a decade ago!

 

Online datingis something I might eventually look into, but it would probably be after trying to meet someone irl, if I was unsuccessful. I agree that meeting online seems less natural and fun, but I can see some benefits too. I am usually very comfortable communicating online, which would give a guy a chance to see the person that is hidding behind my shyness. If we had some online interaction first, he may think...I know this interesting girl is in there. Then he might be more willing to put in a little effort and wait for me to feel more comfortable with him in person.

 

Thank you for your thoughts and insights of what to do in certain situations where I may be approached by a guy. It is also helpful to know that smiling and a bit of extra eye contact is enough to send a signal to some guys.

 

As for the meetup thing, several people had suggested trying it. I just googled "meetup" and my city name and there are many groups listed. You might want to try the same and see what you come up with.

[Shy Girl]

Making eye contact and smiling is enough of an opening for plenty of guys.

 

But.... I think the cute-and-dorky guy you seem to be looking for, will at best be too shy to take the cue, or at worst be in his own world (like cute and dorky men often are) and not notice. Such men must be found in their natural environment. Which goes back to activities rather than explicit social events.

 

My advice would be to really focus on being more social. For some reason you sound like someone who can go a month without seeing anyone and be okay. That's not a bad thing per se but getting out more has an exponential effect on the number of people you meet. A friend brings a friend who brings a friend.... "getting out more" is something that snowballs.

 

I didn't mean that I am specifically looking for the dorky cute kind of guy, just that they are in fact cute to me. It would be nice to find a guy that shared some of my dorky interests, but that doesn't mean that he would be the shy type, or particularly dorky in personality. As long as he is confident enough to notice a and strike up a conversation with a girl who is smiling at him, I think that could work. But if he is a little nervous or awkward in his interaction with me it would not bother me at all.

 

But I totally agree that I should focus on being more social in general. It would be just as nice to meet someone through activities that I enjoy doing. Like you said, the friend who brings a friend situation is a good opportunity, but also the...oh hey, I have this single friend who I think you might like.

[Shy Girl]

OLD I think is the fastest track. In my experience, on the decent sites, most guys were relationship-minded. I'm quite introverted and never messaged first once I was on OLD, but when the guy initiates, it is easy just to follow.

 

I think IRL dating for a shy person works only if there is a repetitive interaction - at work, some kind of social group that meets regularly etc. I just can't ever imagine going out with a stranger (OLD is different - because a background scan makes the person a bit more familiar...)

 

I think that I would give online dating a try if I was unsuccessful in real life first. I'm going to work on meeting people in general and building some social circles and go from there. As I am just working on 'me' at the moment and getting used to being on my own without a boyfriend, it seems a great time to work on improving my social skills. Along the way I may or may not meet a guy, but it's a step in the right direction.

 

If I do decide to give online dating a try in the future...what are 'good' sites? I have absolutely zero experience with OLD.

[hasaquestion]

I didn't mean that I am specifically looking for the dorky cute kind of guy, just that they are in fact cute to me. It would be nice to find a guy that shared some of my dorky interests, but that doesn't mean that he would be the shy type, or particularly dorky in personality. As long as he is confident enough to notice a and strike up a conversation with a girl who is smiling at him, I think that could work. But if he is a little nervous or awkward in his interaction with me it would not bother me at all.

 

But I totally agree that I should focus on being more social in general. It would be just as nice to meet someone through activities that I enjoy doing. Like you said, the friend who brings a friend situation is a good opportunity, but also the...oh hey, I have this single friend who I think you might like.

 

Yeah social in general is a step in the right direction.

 

I suggested that "type" partly because you said it, but also because you come off in your posts as a very laid back, easygoing type. Either way the key is to live and figure it out from the mistakes, and not make any idiotic ones like get knocked up. Good luck.

[scorpiogirl]

OP, it's difficult to be shy and trying to date. At some point you just have to take plunge and forget the shyness. Nobody can do that except you. There's no magic formula. Embrace who you are, but also take baby steps to be more brave and assertive.

 

Every day do one little thing that s out of your comfort zone.

Day 1: make eye contact with people. Smile at them first. It will feel

Strange but just fight through that feeling. Smile without the expectation of scoring a date just be friendly and forget that you're supposed to be shy. Smile at men, women and children.

 

Little steps.

I used to always wait for people to speak to me first or greet me first. And then I realised there WA no reason that they had to make the first moves while I just sat in a corner.

 

So Day 2: at work when you come in, greet first. Ask how their weekend was. What did they get up to. Not everyone will be open to your small talk but doing this will start helping you recognise social cues for when to continue, and when to move on from the conversation.

 

It's not about just the opposite sex, get comfortable with people regardless of age and gender.

I've been there. I'm still shy but every day I make an effort to get out of my comfort zone. Now most people I meet don't believe I'm a shy person because I just get on with things. You can do it too. Just takes a bit of work.

Edited May 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mikeylo]

Shy girls are hard to find, especially older ! Many guys love shy women. They have lots of qualities that the loud mouthed ones dont have. But the problem is that since you all are so shy, it takes a determined guy to pursue you,lol ! A lot of patience and genuine liking to you.

That is something most guys lack.We all need a quick , easy approach. Shy girls are hard work.

 

You have to put yourself in situations where a guy could approach you. OLD is a safe place to start but I havent heard much successful stories out there ! Make new friends, attend social gatherings, smile if you fancy a guy.

[Els]

I feel your pain, OP, and I'm sorry to see your thread get derailed.

 

I do think that for people who were in long term relationships from the time we became adults, it's a lot harder to get back into dating. I know that if my LTR ever (knock on wood!) ended, I would have no idea how to start afresh. That's a risk of being in LTRs from a young age, but on the other hand you have the advantage of having more experience and knowledge about LTRs - about what you want from a R and a partner, how to maintain an LTR, what the common pitfalls are etc. All of that is quite valuable.

 

I think that if you don't currently have an active social circle, it would be best to start there. Make acquaintances and friends first and then think about meeting guys. I would really not advise you to start looking for dates right off the bat if you don't have a social circle.

 

All the best!

[MidwestUSA]

OP, I agree with whoever suggested smiling and saying hi to anyone you come across. I greet everyone first - cashiers, Wal Mart greeters, the mailman (if I catch him), the UPS delivery guy. Smile broadly. If they ignore you, their loss. It might make someone's day.

 

I struck up a convo with the guy tending the pet department at Wal Mart the other day. He learned that I breed fish; I discovered he has cats, dogs and chickens. He gave me a lead on how to part with some of my many offspring.

 

If I weren't married, I'd have taken it a step further.

 

It can't hurt, and your confidence will improve.

Edited May 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[oldshirt]

Since the title of the thread from the OP is about how a "shy" girl can date, I take that as meaning that she thinks that being shy is what is holding her back the most.

 

 

That being said, I do think that in many cases we are only as strong as our weakest link. If being shy and having difficulty relating to people on a personal level if what is holding her back most, then it simply stands to reason that that is what she should work on rather to try parlor tricks to sidestep that issue.

 

 

 

 

Case in point, if someone wrote in that they were having trouble attracting a mate because they were morbidly obese and they were asking how to date as a morbidly obese person - in a way they are asking how to attract a mate without losing weight.

 

 

I'm sorry, but if someone is 350+ lbs, it doesn't matter how much they develop their other traits, they are still morbidly obese and the obesity is what is holding them back. If they were to take the time, energy and money that they may try to spend on developing other traits and put that time, energy and money into strengthening their weakest link, the payoff would be greater on their investment.

 

 

I see the same thing here. If what is holding Shy Girl back the most is she doesn't leave the house and is unable to look people in the eye and interrelate with them on a personal level, then developing those interpersonal and social skills is what will pay back the biggest dividends on her investment of time, effort and money.

 

 

There for my recommendation is to seek help on what can be done to become more skilled and adept at personal interaction and being able to express yourself and interact in a meaningful manner with other people.

 

 

If that means some kind of therapy or behavioral modification etc then so be it.

[oldshirt]

so let me put it this way - there are no parlor tricks that work around being painfully shy and will backdoor the system. You can't paint your toenails purple and hope that some foot fetish guy falls for you even though you are shy. You would still have to be able to interrelate with him on a personal level.

 

 

Your key investments are time, effort and money. The investment of time, effort and money will be more efficacious if it is spent on strengthening your weakest link than in trying to circumvent your way around it.

 

 

You sound like an introvert which is part of your personality and being and you will never be the loud, domineering, boisterous life of the party. But you can develop your interpersonal and social skills to the point you are able to interrelate on a personal level to the degree you can form a happy, healthy and productive relationship to your satisfaction.

 

 

If shyness in your weakest link and that is what is holding you back the most, then working on that and becoming more assertive and expressive on a personal level is what is going to give you the most payback on your investment.

[Efohex]

You kind of remind me of a female version of myself, but your first relationship was much longer than mine.

 

I recently went back to school, as you talked about considering, and even though I was older than most of the other students, it really did present a great opportunity to socialize. In fact, I've started recommending taking a class or two to others I know who have a hard time meeting people. I've been a non-drinker, non-partier for most of my adult life, so a classroom is one of the places where I actually get to be in *my* element socially.

 

To me, that's one of the really important parts about deciding where and how to meet people: meet people where you are in your element, where you can be the version of yourself you want people to see. It makes such a huge difference. Incidentally, I think you represent yourself in a very positive way through your writing -- on this forum at least -- so it's no surprise to me that you met one of your boyfriends online. Your shyness actually fades into the background; seriously, go back and read how much you've articulated about yourself to a bunch of strangers.

 

On a more general note, whatever you fill your days with, have fun. There's so much to enjoy about life that you miss out on if you're constantly wondering whether the man of your dreams is your coworker or your neighbor or the guy in front of you in line at the grocery store. Don't let not being with someone hold you back from doing something you enjoy, or think you would. Besides, when people see somebody else having fun without them, they often want to know what they're missing out on.

 

Also, with all due respect to the people here, who are giving the best advice they can based on their own experiences, getting caught up in the hundreds of rules of the modern dating game can sometimes result in you casually throwing away something good before you've even given it a chance to flower. Dismissing a guy because he doesn't pay for your first X dates or call you until two days after the second or try to have sex with you by the third or drives a used car or wears a baseball hat or still buys Star Wars action figures or doesn't spend at least $500 on you for your birthday, Valentine's, and Christmas or had to reschedule one of your first five dates because "something came up at work" etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. is a good way to wind up a serial dater dating other serial daters IMO. I know that I'll tick off almost every woman here by saying this, and I'll let that be a testament to the truth: you're still young enough that not racking up a dozen exes and as many or more flings is an asset you shouldn't discard lightly.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Shy Girl]

OP, it's difficult to be shy and trying to date. At some point you just have to take plunge and forget the shyness. Nobody can do that except you. There's no magic formula. Embrace who you are, but also take baby steps to be more brave and assertive.

 

Every day do one little thing that s out of your comfort zone.

Day 1: make eye contact with people. Smile at them first. It will feel

Strange but just fight through that feeling. Smile without the expectation of scoring a date just be friendly and forget that you're supposed to be shy. Smile at men, women and children.

 

Little steps.

I used to always wait for people to speak to me first or greet me first. And then I realised there WA no reason that they had to make the first moves while I just sat in a corner.

 

So Day 2: at work when you come in, greet first. Ask how their weekend was. What did they get up to. Not everyone will be open to your small talk but doing this will start helping you recognise social cues for when to continue, and when to move on from the conversation.

 

It's not about just the opposite sex, get comfortable with people regardless of age and gender.

I've been there. I'm still shy but every day I make an effort to get out of my comfort zone. Now most people I meet don't believe I'm a shy person because I just get on with things. You can do it too. Just takes a bit of work.

 

I've actually started to do these little steps that you've suggested at work already. It may seem strange to people who aren't shy, but even something as simple as saying "hi" or "good morning" as you pass someone in the hall can be difficult. In fact, my natual reaction is to make my self appear busy looking at my phone or watch or diggining in my purse...anything to avoid eye contact. I've been getting a lot better about that at work lately though and actually smile and say even say hello in the hallways sometimes. The people I work with regularly are becoming even easier to communicate with. I really don't know how to do much small talk, but I can at least fairly easily do the "hey, how's it going, how's work today?"

 

I think my next step is going to be making eye contact with people when I'm out on my walk. I walk in a popular place on a trail along a river. There are always people walking or biking all the time. I have always dreaded the situation where someone is walking the opposite direction along the trail and coming towards me. Most people like to say good morning, but I always try to look busy changing my music so that I can avoid them. I don't know what about this situation is so hard and uncomfortable for me. The fact that I can look at the situation and know that it is irrational makes me want do try my best to change the way the situation affects me.

 

And you are completely right, it's not just about the opposite sex, it is just people in general that make me feel this way.

[Shy Girl]

Since the title of the thread from the OP is about how a "shy" girl can date, I take that as meaning that she thinks that being shy is what is holding her back the most.

 

 

That being said, I do think that in many cases we are only as strong as our weakest link. If being shy and having difficulty relating to people on a personal level if what is holding her back most, then it simply stands to reason that that is what she should work on rather to try parlor tricks to sidestep that issue.

 

 

 

 

Case in point, if someone wrote in that they were having trouble attracting a mate because they were morbidly obese and they were asking how to date as a morbidly obese person - in a way they are asking how to attract a mate without losing weight.

 

 

I'm sorry, but if someone is 350+ lbs, it doesn't matter how much they develop their other traits, they are still morbidly obese and the obesity is what is holding them back. If they were to take the time, energy and money that they may try to spend on developing other traits and put that time, energy and money into strengthening their weakest link, the payoff would be greater on their investment.

 

 

I see the same thing here. If what is holding Shy Girl back the most is she doesn't leave the house and is unable to look people in the eye and interrelate with them on a personal level, then developing those interpersonal and social skills is what will pay back the biggest dividends on her investment of time, effort and money.

 

 

There for my recommendation is to seek help on what can be done to become more skilled and adept at personal interaction and being able to express yourself and interact in a meaningful manner with other people.

 

 

If that means some kind of therapy or behavioral modification etc then so be it.

 

I think if you read some of the comments you will find that many people are suggesting that I should work on improving my social skills and just meeting and interacting with people in general and I totally agree. I really feel like it's the first step I should be taking. Many people have given me ideas on how to meet and socalize with people and I am completely open to new suggestions and ideas.

[Shy Girl]

You kind of remind me of a female version of myself, but your first relationship was much longer than mine.

 

I recently went back to school, as you talked about considering, and even though I was older than most of the other students, it really did present a great opportunity to socialize. In fact, I've started recommending taking a class or two to others I know who have a hard time meeting people. I've been a non-drinker, non-partier for most of my adult life, so a classroom is one of the places where I actually get to be in *my* element socially.

 

Being older than most of the other students was one of the concerns I had when thinking about taking a few classes. But I realized it doesn't really matter that much. The main thing is that they are people that I will probably be forced to interact with at some point. If I go into the situation with the goal of trying to improve my social skills I think the forced interactions will be easier to handle. If they are all younger than me I won't be looking for friends or relationships in these people, so I feel like I can essentially use them to "practice" being social. This way I wont have to worry about messing up a potential friendship with my awkwardness.

 

On the other hand though, the place I would be taking classes at is just the local communitly college and I remember from my late teens/early 20s that there were older people attending too, even some in their 50s. So there is the possibility of meeting people I connect with. I think expecially if I take classes like photography, photoshop, etc.

 

To me, that's one of the really important parts about deciding where and how to meet people: meet people where you are in your element, where you can be the version of yourself you want people to see. It makes such a huge difference. Incidentally, I think you represent yourself in a very positive way through your writing -- on this forum at least -- so it's no surprise to me that you met one of your boyfriends online. Your shyness actually fades into the background; seriously, go back and read how much you've articulated about yourself to a bunch of strangers.

 

The thing is, I've always felt very comfortable online and I can't quite figure out what the difference is. The only thing I can really think of is that online, I have time to think about what I want to say before I respond. There have been many times in real life where I have thought of a reply to something just a few seconds too late, as the person was already walking away. In person it's like half of my brain power is being used on trying to force my mouth to actually open, so it takes me longer to actually think of somethign to say.

 

On a more general note, whatever you fill your days with, have fun. There's so much to enjoy about life that you miss out on if you're constantly wondering whether the man of your dreams is your coworker or your neighbor or the guy in front of you in line at the grocery store. Don't let not being with someone hold you back from doing something you enjoy, or think you would. Besides, when people see somebody else having fun without them, they often want to know what they're missing out on.

 

Also, with all due respect to the people here, who are giving the best advice they can based on their own experiences, getting caught up in the hundreds of rules of the modern dating game can sometimes result in you casually throwing away something good before you've even given it a chance to flower. Dismissing a guy because he doesn't pay for your first X dates or call you until two days after the second or try to have sex with you by the third or drives a used car or wears a baseball hat or still buys Star Wars action figures or doesn't spend at least $500 on you for your birthday, Valentine's, and Christmas or had to reschedule one of your first five dates because "something came up at work" etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. is a good way to wind up a serial dater dating other serial daters IMO. I know that I'll tick off almost every woman here by saying this, and I'll let that be a testament to the truth: you're still young enough that not racking up a dozen exes and as many or more flings is an asset you shouldn't discard lightly.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

I'm glad you mentioned this because this is one thing I have been struggling with since joining this site. Not just on this thread, but from reading others as well. It really is like dating is a game with all of these rules that people are supposed to follow. It just doesn't feel natural to me. Somewhere I read that it's expected that after a second date there will be a kiss. I just can't imagine living by rules like this. I want to kiss someone when I want to, not after X amount of dates. And the expectations of when you're supposed to have sex worry me as well. This might be a problem for some people, but I am not going to sleep with someone until I am 100% comfortable with them and in an exclusive relationship, and will probably only sleep with them after I start having feelings of love. This might hinder me in the future, but I really don't care, because it's who I am.

 

Someone else posted that I shouldn't offer to pay for my half of a date because I will seem desparate or possibly might intimidate the guy because he will wonder if I make a lot of money. But I don't want to date a guy who would feel intimidated if a woman made more money. I want someone who sees me as an equal person. I am not a homemaker, I will never be a stay at home parent, and I don't like cooking and things like that. I will cook and clean as a joint responsibility with my partner, but I could never be the sole one doing those things. I know that these things will turn many guys off, but I also know that there are guys who see the world this way as well. I may be shy at first, but I am a strong person who is not afraid to stand up for myself or the things that I believe in. I feel like following these dating "rules" is unnatural and might match me up with partners that don't fit what I am looking for in life.

[bluefeather]

Someone else posted that I shouldn't offer to pay for my half of a date because I will seem desparate or possibly might intimidate the guy because he will wonder if I make a lot of money. But I don't want to date a guy who would feel intimidated if a woman made more money. I want someone who sees me as an equal person. I am not a homemaker, I will never be a stay at home parent, and I don't like cooking and things like that. I will cook and clean as a joint responsibility with my partner, but I could never be the sole one doing those things. I know that these things will turn many guys off, but I also know that there are guys who see the world this way as well. I may be shy at first, but I am a strong person who is not afraid to stand up for myself or the things that I believe in. I feel like following these dating "rules" is unnatural and might match me up with partners that don't fit what I am looking for in life.

 

hey you! your logic is attractive...

 

I've been considering classes for the same reasons. Also, it's funny what you brought up regarding the occasional person walking from the other direction. Makes me laugh because I'm probably that guy thinking similar thoughts, but from the slightly awkward male perspective. Here's an example of what's gone through my head during that experience:

 

lalala walkin along. good song.

oh someone's walking towards me. pretty far away.

is that a girl? yup. crap. nervous!

I wonder what she's doing. just enjoying nature like me? she's walking alone. is she alone, like me?

omg you're thinking way too much into this.

I'm gonna try to be social this time.

just gonna smile at her, and if she smiles back, gonna say hello...

feelin so brave today!

ok, she just walked right passed me.

didn't look at me at all. I know she didn't because I was pretty much looking at her the whole time.

oh god, I probably looked like a creep, staring at her

never gonna look at a girl passing me again :/

[Shy Girl]

hey you! your logic is attractive...

 

I've been considering classes for the same reasons. Also, it's funny what you brought up regarding the occasional person walking from the other direction. Makes me laugh because I'm probably that guy thinking similar thoughts, but from the slightly awkward male perspective. Here's an example of what's gone through my head during that experience:

 

lalala walkin along. good song.

oh someone's walking towards me. pretty far away.

is that a girl? yup. crap. nervous!

I wonder what she's doing. just enjoying nature like me? she's walking alone. is she alone, like me?

omg you're thinking way too much into this.

I'm gonna try to be social this time.

just gonna smile at her, and if she smiles back, gonna say hello...

feelin so brave today!

ok, she just walked right passed me.

didn't look at me at all. I know she didn't because I was pretty much looking at her the whole time.

oh god, I probably looked like a creep, staring at her

never gonna look at a girl passing me again :/

 

Hahaha omg, I feel kind of bad now. I feel nervous about making eye contact with anyone in this situation, but even more so if it looks like a guy around my age.

 

As he's walking towards me I might think things along the lines of...don't look, he might talk to you or he might think you're checking him out. Ok what am I supposed to look at instead? No, don't stare at your feet, you look like an idiot! Quick, pretend to text someone! Omg..my hair is a mess....

 

I've literally smacked myself in the face with a tree branch while pretending to text. The guy laughed and I was so horrified I just kept walking, haha.

 

I do feel bad now that I hear your side though. I realize that I may be causing the guy to feel awkward or stupid because I'm trying so hard to avoid him. I've even had people say hi to me and have pretended my music was too loud to hear them.

 

My next social goal is definitely to try and break this habit...

[bluefeather]

Hahaha omg, I feel kind of bad now. I feel nervous about making eye contact with anyone in this situation, but even more so if it looks like a guy around my age.

 

As he's walking towards me I might think things along the lines of...don't look, he might talk to you or he might think you're checking him out. Ok what am I supposed to look at instead? No, don't stare at your feet, you look like an idiot! Quick, pretend to text someone! Omg..my hair is a mess....

 

I've literally smacked myself in the face with a tree branch while pretending to text. The guy laughed and I was so horrified I just kept walking, haha.

 

I do feel bad now that I hear your side though. I realize that I may be causing the guy to feel awkward or stupid because I'm trying so hard to avoid him. I've even had people say hi to me and have pretended my music was too loud to hear them.

 

My next social goal is definitely to try and break this habit...

 

lol :waves: Well hello, from the other side of social awkwardness! Don't worry, we'll get through it!!

[hasaquestion]

I'm glad you mentioned this because this is one thing I have been struggling with since joining this site. Not just on this thread, but from reading others as well. It really is like dating is a game with all of these rules that people are supposed to follow. It just doesn't feel natural to me. Somewhere I read that it's expected that after a second date there will be a kiss. I just can't imagine living by rules like this. I want to kiss someone when I want to, not after X amount of dates. And the expectations of when you're supposed to have sex worry me as well. This might be a problem for some people, but I am not going to sleep with someone until I am 100% comfortable with them and in an exclusive relationship, and will probably only sleep with them after I start having feelings of love. This might hinder me in the future, but I really don't care, because it's who I am.

 

Someone else posted that I shouldn't offer to pay for my half of a date because I will seem desparate or possibly might intimidate the guy because he will wonder if I make a lot of money. But I don't want to date a guy who would feel intimidated if a woman made more money. I want someone who sees me as an equal person. I am not a homemaker, I will never be a stay at home parent, and I don't like cooking and things like that. I will cook and clean as a joint responsibility with my partner, but I could never be the sole one doing those things. I know that these things will turn many guys off, but I also know that there are guys who see the world this way as well. I may be shy at first, but I am a strong person who is not afraid to stand up for myself or the things that I believe in. I feel like following these dating "rules" is unnatural and might match me up with partners that don't fit what I am looking for in life.

 

The "rules" are just the average of everyone's "whatever feels natural". If it makes things harder for you then ignore them, but I do think its wise to be aware of them.

 

For example, you bring up paying for yourself on dates. I'm a guy and in my life experience, a girl paying for herself is code for I don't care to see you again. All relationships I've been in that I can think of right now started with me paying. And it makes sense - if I were a girl and not interested I wouldn't want to let the guy "lead me" by paying for me.

[Shy Girl]

The "rules" are just the average of everyone's "whatever feels natural". If it makes things harder for you then ignore them, but I do think its wise to be aware of them.

 

For example, you bring up paying for yourself on dates. I'm a guy and in my life experience, a girl paying for herself is code for I don't care to see you again. All relationships I've been in that I can think of right now started with me paying. And it makes sense - if I were a girl and not interested I wouldn't want to let the guy "lead me" by paying for me.

 

I can understand that, but would the vibe you get from the date come into play? Say everything seems to be going well and both people seem to be having fun. Say you're at dinner and the check comes. You reach for it and the girl says cheerfully "We can split it if you want." The guy may say something along the lines of "Oh that's ok, I got it." And then the girl says something like, "Are you sure? I don't mind."

 

I feel like this would leave the decision up to the guy, and come across more as polite rather than uninterested. It's not like I would insist on paying for myself, or ask the waitress for two separate checks.

 

Curious to see how you and others would feel in this situation.

[hasaquestion]

I can understand that, but would the vibe you get from the date come into play? Say everything seems to be going well and both people seem to be having fun. Say you're at dinner and the check comes. You reach for it and the girl says cheerfully "We can split it if you want." The guy may say something along the lines of "Oh that's ok, I got it." And then the girl says something like, "Are you sure? I don't mind."

 

I feel like this would leave the decision up to the guy, and come across more as polite rather than uninterested. It's not like I would insist on paying for myself, or ask the waitress for two separate checks.

 

Curious to see how you and others would feel in this situation.

 

Obviously the vibe matters. If you can't tell whether someone is having fun, without trying to read the tea leaves of whether they split the bill or something... you have much bigger problems. I just think it's good to be aware of how things are usually done. Then you can take it or leave it.

[bluefeather]

I can understand that, but would the vibe you get from the date come into play? Say everything seems to be going well and both people seem to be having fun. Say you're at dinner and the check comes. You reach for it and the girl says cheerfully "We can split it if you want." The guy may say something along the lines of "Oh that's ok, I got it." And then the girl says something like, "Are you sure? I don't mind."

 

I feel like this would leave the decision up to the guy, and come across more as polite rather than uninterested. It's not like I would insist on paying for myself, or ask the waitress for two separate checks.

 

Curious to see how you and others would feel in this situation.

 

Yup. What you said would totally leave it up to the guy. I don't agree with people who are saying a certain vibe would be sent out if you offered to pay. I just don't follow that, so I never commented on it.

 

"We can split it if you want."

-Haha, are you kidding? I'm taking you out!

"Are you sure? I don't mind."

-Yes, of course I'm sure! :proceeds to make it rain: