Girlfriend & weight gain

[jsmith92]

She said to me that she gave it up as she didnt want me to be with someone who smoked. My ex who i was with for three years smoked and yeah i would rather you didnt but i never made my ex give up and have never said anything to my now girlfriend to give up. Im glad and proud that my girlfriend has, she smoked for 7 years since she was 15 and she said being with someone serious for the first time helped her to quit. She has however said many times that she feels she has replaced the cigarettes with junk food, i get that but you can still make effort with exercise, she hasnt been gym once since i have been with her and this is why the increase in weight.

[Arieswoman]

jsmith92,

Has she ever been interested in going to a gym, or doing any kind of exercise?

[jsmith92]

jsmith92,

Has she ever been interested in going to a gym, or doing any kind of exercise?

 

The two months before we started our relationship we were seeing each other every now and then and she was going twice a week and she got down to 160lbs. She was happy and confident but since i have been in a relationship with her she hasnt been since, it has just got bad in the last month or so because she hasnt cared about her diet and its starting to show. She either has to cut down the junk, start exercising or do both, i dont care what but she has to do something or i will lose all attraction to her and i dont want that.

[Arieswoman]

jsmith92,

 

hmmmm...

 

The two months before we started our relationship we were seeing each other every now and then and she was going twice a week and she got down to 160lbs. She was happy and confident but since i have been in a relationship with her she hasnt been since, it has just got bad in the last month or so because she hasnt cared about her diet and its starting to show.

 

It sounds to me that there is something else going on here...

 

Is she depressed?

 

You need to have a talk with her and ask her, kindly, if there is something wrong.

[elaine567]

It seems to me you post about your gf a lot and a how she needs to change to make things better for you.

She is who she is, you cannot keep trying to mould her into your ideal woman. You cannot fit a square peg into a round hole, she will rebel sooner or later. One day she is going to say "Stuff it!" and leave you no doubt heartbroken or she will acquiesce to your way of looking at things but store up resentment and that is never a good thing in any relationship.

 

People who do not care about diet or weight or who are not exercise freaks, can do the whole healthy thing for a while, but if it isn't who they are, then you are fighting a losing battle trying to change them.

They may "change" to please you for a time but will eventually revert to type.

As you see here, your gf was on a diet and exercising before you started dating, (probably to attract a man), now she has one, she stopped, as a "diet and exercise" person is not who she fundamentally is.

 

Seems to me she is your "project", but perhaps it may be better for you to find a girl who actually IS all the things you want this girl to be, rather than keep trying to change the one you have.

[jsmith92]

Maybe it all boils down to her being a lot more lazy then me in everything. She never made effort in the bedroom until a month ago properly, it was me trying to boost her and make it intersting. She has now become quite lazy in terms of her diet and lifestyle, it just aint me i am active in most things and like trying new things in bedroom. Everything i say to her i try to make better for her, me and the relationship. If i hadnt had brought up my concerns that i have mentioned so far on this site then i would be dealing with an overweight girlfriend who isnt botherd about making our relationship as good as it can be.

[elaine567]

Maybe it all boils down to her being a lot more lazy then me in everything. She never made effort in the bedroom until a month ago properly, it was me trying to boost her and make it intersting. She has now become quite lazy in terms of her diet and lifestyle, it just aint me i am active in most things and like trying new things in bedroom. Everything i say to her i try to make better for her, me and the relationship. If i hadnt had brought up my concerns that i have mentioned so far on this site then i would be dealing with an overweight girlfriend who isnt botherd about making our relationship as good as it can be.

 

But for who here? YOU it seems.

YOU are seeing it from your point of view, the sex is better for YOU, her dieting and exercising will be better for YOU, not her necessarily.

If left to her own devices she was making no effort in the bedroom, then infrequent lazy sex is I guess what she likes, if pigging out and not exercising is her choice then that is what she likes to do.

SHE is not YOU, you should not try and turn her into YOU, that will not go down well long term.

As I said you can change people for a while, but eventually they tend to return to type.

[jsmith92]

Well is it not fair of me to expect my girlfriend to make a little effort to? She says i am her best lover as nobody else has taken the time to make her feel so good and that is how i am i hate feeling like i am not satisfying someone. So just because she is really satisfied its ok for her to not bother to try and satisfy me as much as she can? That is how it was i didnt feel like she was botherd and she became lazy.

 

All the threads i have started the problems have been sorted and our relationship and sex life has got better. Even this thread with her diet and putting on 24 pounds i just dont want her to get to the stage where she has put on another 10 or 20 pounds without thinking how it would effect us.

 

I think she will take what i have said seriously and start being more healthy but if she wasnt then yes it would be a deal breaker for me i cannot be with someone if i do not find them attractive. Its ok for her i am her best lover and fit and healthy, i just think its only fair she made a bit of effort too if she wants it to work long term.

[StreetsKings]

You're allowed to have this concern so don't feel bad about it. Like anything, the key with issues like this is simply the tone, attitude, and wording in which you use when you talk to her about her weight.

 

"Babe remember that gym we were talking about the other day that's opening up in the neighborhood? I'm gonna go check it out after work today, do

You want to come with me and see what you think? Pretty sure they're offering a nice discount if you sign up with someone or as a couple."

 

Just don't be blatant in how you bring it up and talk about it. Can tell her that you think having her sign up and going with you would actually help you out a lot because you always have a tough time just starting a routine and motivating yourself to go on the days where you're feeling lazy. Basically just tell her what you're gonna be doing for her, but make it about you to draw her in.

 

 

And lastly... Even if you do those things and make it sound like you're a loving guy who just wants her to stay/be healthy so that toucan spend your futures together.... She can turn the hurt feelings waterworks on with ease and make you feel guilty about bringing got up, or she'll just say yes to appease you andnotjkg changes.

This is when you'll have to decide in your head where the point will be that you stop being mr nice guy and acting like a lil wuss about it and then straight up tell her that as much as you love and wanna be with her... You're also not gonna spend the next 40 years of your life, turning into the "couple whole themselves go"

 

Tell her that if she thinks she can get complacent and not put any effort, work into ensuring the you both are physically satisfied with each other as well as emotionally then she's being more disrespectful to you if aby

[elaine567]

She was having trouble with her weight before she met you and she will continue to have problems with her weight, as she doesn't possess that inner fire to keep to a decent weight. It is just not important to her. She has shown you that.

You cannot keep pushing her, to want what you want, as that will get tiresome for her and frustrating for you over the years.

Yes, effort is good and effort needs to be put into relationships but when that effort goes against who people really are, then that is usually where trouble starts.

She didn't go, "OMG I have put on three pounds I need to get back to the gym asap", did she?

NO, if you hadn't mentioned her weight, she would still be happy buying bigger and bigger clothes.

[PrettyEmily77]

I think she will take what i have said seriously and start being more healthy but if she wasnt then yes it would be a deal breaker for me i cannot be with someone if i do not find them attractive. Its ok for her i am her best lover and fit and healthy, i just think its only fair she made a bit of effort too if she wants it to work long term.

 

 

Sounds like an ultimatum, to me.

 

 

It is entirely your prerogative to not be attracted to her anymore, but you don't have the right to ask her to change to fit with your criteria. If you already know that weight-gain is a deal-breaker for you, you should let her go, and I also hope you don't have to deal with more serious 'deal-breaking' issues in any future relationships.

 

 

I think you should act on how you feel now or you should accept her for who she is, otherwise you run the risk of making her feel insecure and unwanted, which will be far more damaging to her self-esteem than any weight gain or loss in the long run.

 

 

Whether she wants to lose the weight is entirely up to / down to her - she might have the will and interest to do it herself or she might not; I think she should do it for herself for health issues rather because she wants to comply / please you for fear of losing your attraction to her - that would b a much more sustainable motivator.

[StreetsKings]

Sounds like an ultimatum, to me.

 

 

It is entirely your prerogative to not be attracted to her anymore, but you don't have the right to ask her to change to fit with your criteria. If you already know that weight-gain is a deal-breaker for you, you should let her go, and I also hope you don't have to deal with more serious 'deal-breaking' issues in any future relationships.

 

 

I think you should act on how you feel now or you should accept her for who she is, otherwise you run the risk of making her feel insecure and unwanted, which will be far more damaging to her self-esteem than any weight gain or loss in the long run.

 

 

Whether she wants to lose the weight is entirely up to / down to her - she might have the will and interest to do it herself or she might not; I think she should do it for herself for health issues rather because she wants to comply / please you for fear of losing your attraction to her - that would b a much more sustainable motivator.

 

 

What if a girl just decides to stop shaving her arms/legs,etc then? Or what if she just stops putting any effort into her appearance when going out, ironed clothes, wel presented... You get the point.

 

In my opinion it's totally within a guys right to speak up and tell his partner "you gotta get yourself together and cut this moping, lazy, accept me for me nonsense"

 

I'm more than confident in saying that it's more than common for a girl to point out her boyfriend or husbands less than acceptable areas and highly highly suggest we fix it

[jsmith92]

Everytime i bring up a thread on here it comes to women vs men lol. I get i dont have the right to tell her what to do and how to live, i havent forced her to do anything. I love her and want to stay with her i just fear for our future if she becomes to comfortable and lazy because i will lose that attraction towards her. If i was to let myself go and put on a lot of weight im sure she wouldnt be attracted to me like she is now either and i get that if that was to happen.

 

I dont feel i was too harsh on her, she knows she has gained the weight and we were round her nans the other day and even her nan says she has to start making more effort to be healthier.

 

We will see how gym goes and if she can start making more effort, if she wasnt to stick to it and continue to not give a damn about her appearnce then yes i will start to lose that attraction and problems will start to form. I feel that is only normal and would happen the other way around to if i was the one not caring about myself.

[GunslingerRoland]

How do you know her exact weight all the time, do you make her do weekly weigh ins?

 

 

But seriously 24 pounds is a lot to gain in just over a year. Even if not a diet she needs to find a long term healthier eating/exercising strategy to keep from gaining.

 

 

I don't think it's unfair to expect that your partner doesn't put on massive amounts of weight. Just like I don't think it's fair to get upset with your partner if they have small variations over time with their weight.

[PrettyEmily77]

What if a girl just decides to stop shaving her arms/legs,etc then? Or what if she just stops putting any effort into her appearance when going out, ironed clothes, wel presented... You get the point.

 

In my opinion it's totally within a guys right to speak up and tell his partner "you gotta get yourself together and cut this moping, lazy, accept me for me nonsense"

 

I'm more than confident in saying that it's more than common for a girl to point out her boyfriend or husbands less than acceptable areas and highly highly suggest we fix it

 

I get the point yes, and I don't think it's a gender issue.

 

 

My partner has recently put some weight on - he's been really busy at work and in other areas and everything has started to take their toll.

 

 

I don't find him any less attractive for it because I love him for who he is as a person, not because of what he looks like. He was the one who brought up the issue to me because he knows I won't make him feel bad or won't think any less of him for the sake of a few pounds - he is also kind, thoughtful, considerate, loyal and intuitive, and I also know that were the shoes on the other foot, he'd react in the same way.

 

 

You can share worries, concerns and issues and hope that your partner sees your point but if you're making something a condition to the survival of the relationship, that's an ultimatum and I don't really like those.

[Arieswoman]

jsmith92,

Just out of interest how tall is your gf ?

[Confused9999]

I get the point yes, and I don't think it's a gender issue.

 

 

My partner has recently put some weight on - he's been really busy at work and in other areas and everything has started to take their toll.

 

 

I don't find him any less attractive for it because I love him for who he is as a person, not because of what he looks like. .

 

Men and women are very different in the way they find their partner attractive. Men are a lot more visual and physical and are attracted to the looks of a woman.

I've seen lots of posts, only by women, saying they should love me no matter what I look like.

That is not how most men view it. Some may tolerate it more but the initial attraction for men is primarily physical, it's part of evolution and DNA.

 

Doesn't mean you don't love the other person for a the reasons you mentioned but when it comes to attraction, for men it's much more basic!

[jsmith92]

I get the point yes, and I don't think it's a gender issue.

 

 

My partner has recently put some weight on - he's been really busy at work and in other areas and everything has started to take their toll.

 

 

I don't find him any less attractive for it because I love him for who he is as a person, not because of what he looks like. He was the one who brought up the issue to me because he knows I won't make him feel bad or won't think any less of him for the sake of a few pounds - he is also kind, thoughtful, considerate, loyal and intuitive, and I also know that were the shoes on the other foot, he'd react in the same way.

 

 

You can share worries, concerns and issues and hope that your partner sees your point but if you're making something a condition to the survival of the relationship, that's an ultimatum and I don't really like those.

 

I am not talking about a few pounds here, she has put on 24lbs in just over a year. I love her , i still find her attractive BUT i brought this up because i noticed that she has stopped caring about her appearence and she says the main reason is because she feels comfortable around me now. I get that but just dont think its excuse to pile the weight, you would not be as attracted to someone if they put on say 30 or 40 pounds and i just dont want that getting to the point with her.

 

She doesnt have to come gym if she doesnt like it, she can stop eating junk though which is forcing this weight gain. I know her weight because when i started seeing her she was really happy at the fact she was 160lbs, she weighed herself the other day and now she is 184.

 

Bottom line is if she wants this to work long term like we both say we do she has to change the way is at the minute because she will only put the weight on to the point where i no longer find her attractive, i dont want that but that is what will happen. If she choses to stay the way she is and not care about her health and weight then that is her choice, i will accept it but eventually it will be the end for us. You can love someone but there has to be attraction too.

[PrettyEmily77]

Men and women are very different in the way they find their partner attractive. Men are a lot more visual and physical and are attracted to the looks of a woman.

I've seen lots of posts, only by women, saying they should love me no matter what I look like.

That is not how most men view it. Some may tolerate it more but the initial attraction for men is primarily physical, it's part of evolution and DNA.

 

Doesn't mean you don't love the other person for a the reasons you mentioned but when it comes to attraction, for men it's much more basic!

 

I know plenty of mature, caring men who grow out of basic level attraction after getting to know their partners well enough.

[jsmith92]

jsmith92,

Just out of interest how tall is your gf ?

 

She is 5ft 6, 184 pounds.

 

I am 5ft 9, 164 pounds

[Lois_Griffin]

I dont want to come across the shallow type because i am not but i have noticed in recent weeks my girlfriend has put a considerable amount of weight on. I have been in a relationship with her for 14 months and we get on really well everything is good. When i first started seeing her she was 11st 6lbs, now she is currently 13st 2lbs, so a gain of 24 pounds.

 

I love her and dont want to hurt her feelings but i feel that becuase she is with me and is happy that she is letting herself go a bit. I go gym three times a week and have always been active and she is just the opposite and she is just getting really comfortable now.

 

I brought it up with her today as this week she has been pretty bad with her diet and started to not care so much anymore what she eats. I know she can do what she wants and live how she wants but is it unfair of me to bring it up? I am attracted to her and want to stay attracted to her. There are times where she gets down about her weight and she will try and diet but it lasts a few days and she gives up again.

 

We have a new gym opening near us next week which i am joining and i have asked her if she would like to aswell, i dont want her to put on a lot of weight but i also want her to be healthy too. She said that she understands she has put the weight on and my concerns but that i should love her however she looks, i do love her but attraction is a big factor right? I will not be as attracted to her for example as i first was if she puts on say another stone making that a three stone weight gain and i dont think she would be as attracted to me if i was to put three stone of fat on either.

 

Like i said we spoke about it earlier and it got her a bit down but i just dont want her to keep not caring and piling the weight on, i love her very much but we have to remain attracted to each other right for it to work right in the long run? I dont pressure her to get down to a really small weight i just said she needs to take her health and diet seriously otherwise itl get to stage where she will pile it on a lot more.

 

I know it is a sensitive subject but i brought it up to see how she feels about it, i know she wants to lose the weight as she gets down at times but most of the time she doesnt think and puts the weight on. Is it unfair of me to talk about it or is it normal to want to stay attracted to a partner and care?

You're continually trying to control everything this girl does. Down on the sex boards, you're talking about convincing her to like oral etc., and here you're talking about trying to control her weight.

 

Is there anything you don't want to control about her?

 

I get the feeling she's made many compromises in order to please you. When does it stop?

[Lois_Griffin]

She quit smoking 6 months into the relationship and she says that is a factor in the weight gain.

Just a stab in the dark...but....I'm going to assume you were behind this one, too.

[katiegrl]

OP, if her weight gain were due to a medical condition, would you feel the same?

 

Reason I ask is I am wondering if what's really bothering you is the fact she has become sort of lazy, lacking pride in her appearance, taking care of herself, and just doesn't seem to give a crap about it.

 

Or your feelings about it.

 

That type of attitude would certainly turn me off, more so than the actual weight gain.

[elaine567]

I believe there are men and women who do not concentrate much on looks, but that are some men and women for whom looks are everything.

So the generalisation that looks to women are unimportant and that looks to men are everything, is just that a generalisation and not to be taken too seriously.

 

I guess that in days gone by when many women had no choice but to accept the most suitable man that showed up, then looks may have been secondary but nowadays I think visual attraction IS important to most women.

Also I think women are pretty good at protecting her man's feelings when it comes to looks, whereas some men can be pretty insensitive.

[Imported]

OP, I don't think you're "the controlling type", you just know what you want and your girlfriend is not it. She was probably "it" when you started, but obviously she isn't now. And never will be.

 

Attractive women @35 are a much better choice. Have fun with young women, but till you see them after they are over 30, it's very likely they will fatten up to the point you won't even recognize them if you have years inbetween seeing them.

 

And there is nothing wrong with expecting her to be and stay trim and fit if you do so yourself. Some people are not into gluttony and staying in watching TV as if it were life and expending the minimal physical effort.

Edited May 3, 2016 by Imported