Girlfriend & weight gain

[jsmith92]

OP, if her weight gain were due to a medical condition, would you feel the same?

 

Reason I ask is I am wondering if what's really bothering you is the fact she has become sort of lazy, lacking pride in her appearance, taking care of herself, and just doesn't seem to give a crap about it.

 

Or your feelings about it.

 

That type of attitude would certainly turn me off, more so than the actual weight gain.

 

Yes it is the attitude, if she all of a sudden had a medical issue i wouldnt be so low to let that effect the way i felt about her. She just really has let herself go lately and i just brought it up to make her aware we both still need to make effort.

[jsmith92]

Just a stab in the dark...but....I'm going to assume you were behind this one, too.

 

She said she quit for me, i didnt ever ask her to or make her if that is what you are saying, like i said my ex smoked the whole three years i was with her so its not too big a deal for me.

[elaine567]

Yes it is the attitude, if she all of a sudden had a medical issue i wouldnt be so low to let that effect the way i felt about her. She just really has let herself go lately and i just brought it up to make her aware we both still need to make effort.

 

People who want to make the effort make the effort, you can't force it.

Maybe ask her why she is so low here.

Anyone who is letting themselves go is not happy, why isn't she happy?

[Gloria25]

OP, I don't think you're "the controlling type", you just know what you want and your girlfriend is not it. She was probably "it" when you started, but obviously she isn't now. And never will be.

 

Attractive women @35 are a much better choice. Have fun with young women, but till you see them after they are over 30, it's very likely they will fatten up to the point you won't even recognize them if you have years inbetween seeing them.

 

And there is nothing wrong with expecting her to be and stay trim and fit if you do so yourself. Some people are not into gluttony and staying in watching TV as if it were life and expending the minimal physical effort.

 

A friend of mine had that to say about a particular race of women...that at 30 they look 60. But, I think that you can look at a woman in her 20s and tell if she's gonna be the type to ride off of youth and metabolism, then let herself go. You don't have to hold out and wait till she's 35 to figure out her attitude when it comes to her looks/fitness.

 

My neice is late teens and slim, but isn't physically active. I tried getting her involved in sports (soccer) and she complained. Her mom is overweight and just keeps on talking about how she needs to lose it, but like daughter, fitness isn't a priority. So, I'm sure neice will be like mother in a few years.

[jsmith92]

You're continually trying to control everything this girl does. Down on the sex boards, you're talking about convincing her to like oral etc., and here you're talking about trying to control her weight.

 

Is there anything you don't want to control about her?

 

I get the feeling she's made many compromises in order to please you. When does it stop?

 

You are twisting my words i have not come on here trying to convince her to like oral, she likes oral and i have said she is the best i have had at it, my problem up until a few months ago was that i could not get off from it and was trying to sort MY problem not hers.

 

If you are happy with your partner totally changing there appearance for the worse just because they are comfortable in a relationship and put on 30 or 40 pounds then that is you. I am just being realistic where that much change is going to change the amount of attraction i have towards her, i am sure many others men and women would feel same if they were making effort while there partner had turned lazy and stopped trying to make effort.

[jsmith92]

People who want to make the effort make the effort, you can't force it.

Maybe ask her why she is so low here.

Anyone who is letting themselves go is not happy, why isn't she happy?

 

She just says she is used to a relationship and feels she doesnt have to

Make the effort she did at first. I didnt think of the possibility she might be down, there are no signs of that but i will ask her.

[thefooloftheyear]

She is 5ft 6, 184 pounds.

 

I am 5ft 9, 164 pounds

 

Thats a pretty large woman....

 

Its also kinda odd when the woman is larger than the man...It happens and there are fetish types, but its usually something that even a heavier woman might find unattractive in a man(the fact that he is smaller/lighter)...

 

TFY

[Liam1]

Maybe if you tell her you are worried about her health and that you want her to be healthy and live long, she will agree to join the health club.

 

I think you are doing the right thing by encouraging her to join a fitness club and maybe you can also help her to eat right.

 

You have a right to expect her to stay in the shape she was in when you first met her.

 

Some men and women like their partners to be heavy, but if you don't and she was thin when you met her, she needs to realize that she can not just let herself get overweight and think you will be happy about that.

 

You are right, too, in that you are putting in the effort to stay in shape, and she should, too.

 

If her weight gain is due to a medical condition that CAN and SHOULD be addressed. Weight gain due to a medical condition can be corrected with proper medication. The earlier it is caught the better the outcome.

 

Weight gain, for any reason is unhealthy, as you already know.

 

I dont want to come across the shallow type because i am not but i have noticed in recent weeks my girlfriend has put a considerable amount of weight on. I have been in a relationship with her for 14 months and we get on really well everything is good. When i first started seeing her she was 11st 6lbs, now she is currently 13st 2lbs, so a gain of 24 pounds.

 

I love her and dont want to hurt her feelings but i feel that becuase she is with me and is happy that she is letting herself go a bit. I go gym three times a week and have always been active and she is just the opposite and she is just getting really comfortable now.

 

I brought it up with her today as this week she has been pretty bad with her diet and started to not care so much anymore what she eats. I know she can do what she wants and live how she wants but is it unfair of me to bring it up? I am attracted to her and want to stay attracted to her. There are times where she gets down about her weight and she will try and diet but it lasts a few days and she gives up again.

 

We have a new gym opening near us next week which i am joining and i have asked her if she would like to aswell, i dont want her to put on a lot of weight but i also want her to be healthy too. She said that she understands she has put the weight on and my concerns but that i should love her however she looks, i do love her but attraction is a big factor right? I will not be as attracted to her for example as i first was if she puts on say another stone making that a three stone weight gain and i dont think she would be as attracted to me if i was to put three stone of fat on either.

 

Like i said we spoke about it earlier and it got her a bit down but i just dont want her to keep not caring and piling the weight on, i love her very much but we have to remain attracted to each other right for it to work right in the long run? I dont pressure her to get down to a really small weight i just said she needs to take her health and diet seriously otherwise itl get to stage where she will pile it on a lot more.

 

I know it is a sensitive subject but i brought it up to see how she feels about it, i know she wants to lose the weight as she gets down at times but most of the time she doesnt think and puts the weight on. Is it unfair of me to talk about it or is it normal to want to stay attracted to a partner and care?

Edited May 3, 2016 by Liam1

[Liam1]

Be careful with this logic.....

 

People often become who they aren't because they think they need to in order to attract a mate.....

 

Problem is, its not really who they are...

 

So don't just think in your head that because she lost weight that she can do it again...You may have to eventually dump her to ever see that happen again...you don't know....

 

Not trying to put a stick in the spokes, believe me I am rooting for you, but see it from all angles and know what the conditions were/are....

 

TFY

 

I think that is an excellent point. IMO, a lot of people, men and women, pretend to be someone or something they are not in order to lure in a mate. It can only cause problems in a marriage.

 

Women often pretend to be very interested in sex, and men often pretend to earn more money than they actually do.

 

Once married everything changes.

 

Then, they expect their mate to stay with them or to stay faithful no matter how much they suddenly change once married.

 

Sorry, if a person uses a bait and switch to get married, the marriage starts out with a huge lie and a deception, and that is very wrong.

 

Also, if your marriage starts out based on a huge lie, how will you ever be able to trust that person even 90 percent.

[Jabron1]

My partner has recently put some weight on - he's been really busy at work and in other areas and everything has started to take their toll.

 

 

I don't find him any less attractive for it because I love him for who he is as a person, not because of what he looks like. He was the one who brought up the issue to me because he knows I won't make him feel bad or won't think any less of him for the sake of a few pounds

 

A few pounds is completely different than putting on two stone in a very short period.

 

Fact is that the OP did put up with her gaining a few pounds. Then he put up with her gaining a few more... and a few more ... and a few more.

 

There's a limit.

 

And no, quitting smoking isn't an excuse. I'm coming up for a year of stopping smoking, and my weight hasn't changed much at all. It's called having some self-discipline and pride.

[losangelena]

I think the reality of the situation is that most attempts at weight loss or diet fail. People either lose too quickly, or do in such a way that it's not sustainable over the long haul.

 

As someone who lost over 100 lbs about 12 years ago (and have kept it off), I can tell you it's not easy. Not every overweight person is lazy or unmotivated. Metabolic factors are at play, and oftentimes there's a psychological component as well.

 

No one on the low end of their weight thinks they're going to have to deal with a 25-pound weight gain. I do not believe for one second that OP's GF deceptively lost weight in order to "snag a man," before putting it all back on again. She probably just thought that 160 was her new reality, and she was more confident at a smaller size.

 

My guess is that she's feeling quite dismayed at having gained 24 pounds, even if she's not wont to admit it. There are a lot of feelings that can go into gaining previously lost weight—shame, embarrassment, feeling a failure, feeling unworthy, etc. Those feelings often have to be dealt with before forward progress can be made again; shame has never made a great motivator, you know what I mean?

 

Weight loss efforts DO stall out. They do reverse. But they can be re-reversed, too. OP, as hard as it is, I would not try and take it personally or say, "why can't she do it for me?" I feel as if sometimes, people who don't have weight struggles have a really hard time understanding how it is for those who do. I know your attraction to her is important, and it's good that you are communicating about it. Just try not to make that the sole focus of your relationship.

[PrettyEmily77]

A few pounds is completely different than putting on two stone in a very short period.

 

Fact is that the OP did put up with her gaining a few pounds. Then he put up with her gaining a few more... and a few more ... and a few more.

 

There's a limit.

 

And no, quitting smoking isn't an excuse. I'm coming up for a year of stopping smoking, and my weight hasn't changed much at all. It's called having some self-discipline and pride.

 

 

 

 

 

You're right, there a limit. I also don't think quitting cigarettes is an excuse; I did that last year too. It did affect my weight a little but not to the tune of 24 pounds.

 

 

I also know it's probably a bigger issue for her than it is for him, all things considered; and I know it's not just a question of self-discipline and pride - that would be unfair and simplistic to reduce it to that.

 

 

I don't think OP is controlling - I just think he's too hopeful, and maybe a little too focused on the weight to the detriment of all of his GF's other qualities.

 

 

I just don't think it's a good idea to stay with someone for what they can potentially be in the future and I wouldn't blame the OP at all for wanting to bail at this point - that wouldn't make him shallow or controlling or anything of the kind.

 

 

I just think he should consider the fact that it's going to be an uphill battle (for her more so than for him) and that he should be prepared now for the battle to be long and / or lost, and at least consider whether he has the empathy and patience to see it through long-term (probably more than once) or accept this might never happen.

[normal person]

Yes it is the attitude, if she all of a sudden had a medical issue i wouldnt be so low to let that effect the way i felt about her. She just really has let herself go lately and i just brought it up to make her aware we both still need to make effort.

 

I think you're wrong by saying it's solely the attitude that you're put off by. To be fair, you aren't letting your weight affect how you feel about her as a person even now, you're letting it affect how you feel about how attractive she is. You say you love her even though she's heavy, etc. So let's separate your sexual attraction for her and your personal feelings towards her personality and whatnot.

 

Now let's say you now suddenly found out that she's heavy because of a medical condition. Is everything going to be ok, then? You're just going to magically be attracted to her again? I don't think so. The odds are, you'd still find her weight unappealing, but you'd just feel more guilty about it. The thread would be all about you trying to reconcile a lack of attraction you have for your girlfriend with the fact that her weight gain is no fault of her own.

 

The problem is, one way or another, she's overweight, that isn't attractive to you, you're bothered by it, but you can't help it. It's an irrational, biological feeling you have that neither you or her can rationalize you in or out of. At the core, the issue at hand is how much of it you're willing to deal with, which I don't think any of us can answer for you.

 

Regardless of whether or not she can help her weight, you can't help how you feel about it. You don't sound unreasonable. But how long are you willing to wait for her to lose weight? What will you do if she doesn't? Will you be satisfied if she makes a real effort but doesn't see good results? Do you have an ultimatum? What will do you if she complains that you're trying to control her (as her boyfriend you can have an opinion, at least)? How much will put up with?

 

These are all questions that you have to ask yourself. There's no stock textbook answer for them.

[jsmith92]

I didnt start this to cause a mass debate lol although it has been interesting hearing everyones views.

 

I might come across out of order to some people but i am just being honest to how i feel. My girlfriend hasnt got a condition and i had known her 2 years before we started seeing each other and she said the biggest she ever was was 168pounds. So to now be 184 i dont know why, i asked her again a few hours ago when i saw her if she is feeling depressed or anything she said no.

 

End of the day i do love her, she has put on 24 pounds in a year which i feel is a lot in a year and quite a few agree with me there. I am not forcing her to go gym or telling her what to eat i am advising her in ways i feel i can help her. If she wants to stick to her unhealthy lifestyle then that is fine but it is unattractive to me and will cause problems.

[Gloria25]

Thats a pretty large woman....

 

Its also kinda odd when the woman is larger than the man...It happens and there are fetish types, but its usually something that even a heavier woman might find unattractive in a man(the fact that he is smaller/lighter)...

 

TFY

 

I'm 5'7" and 151 lbs, and a lot of muscle. She sounds like she's already past the point of IDGF. And, the 6 or 10 lbs you say she "recently" gained isn't the problem. She's already overweight despite the recent gain, smoking quit, and months into "comfortable" RL with you.

 

Face it, she isn't into physical activity, she doesn't care, and age is allowing it to really show.

Edited May 3, 2016 by Gloria25

[Gloria25]

I didnt start this to cause a mass debate lol although it has been interesting hearing everyones views.

 

I might come across out of order to some people but i am just being honest to how i feel. My girlfriend hasnt got a condition and i had known her 2 years before we started seeing each other and she said the biggest she ever was was 168pounds. So to now be 184 i dont know why, i asked her again a few hours ago when i saw her if she is feeling depressed or anything she said no.

 

End of the day i do love her, she has put on 24 pounds in a year which i feel is a lot in a year and quite a few agree with me there. I am not forcing her to go gym or telling her what to eat i am advising her in ways i feel i can help her. If she wants to stick to her unhealthy lifestyle then that is fine but it is unattractive to me and will cause problems.

 

OMG, this is simple....

 

She's lazy. Geesh.

 

It's not the smoking, stars, moon, etc.'s fault.

 

And, still, why is this an issue if you love her?

 

You say "in the future"...Is that after the wedding and kids?

 

When we date, we're taking time to see if we're a "match". She's already showing you what the future will be like with her.

[katiegrl]

She just says she is used to a relationship and feels she doesnt have to

 

JMO but I think she's wrong.

 

Speaking personally, it's when I am actually in a RL when I make more of an effort!!

[sandylee1]

Oh really lol, im from London.

 

A stone is 14 pounds to us over here.

 

So when i say she gone from 11stone 6lbs to 13stone 2lbs, its 160lbs to 184lbs.

 

What's the gym opening up near you called ? There are loads of these pay as you go gyms in London now. They are really just for gyming it.... no frills or anything... so you'd need to really motivate her.

[jsmith92]

Thats a pretty large woman....

 

Its also kinda odd when the woman is larger than the man...It happens and there are fetish types, but its usually something that even a heavier woman might find unattractive in a man(the fact that he is smaller/lighter)...

 

TFY

 

She might be 5ft 7 but either way she is 184pounds. She said earlier she hates exercise and i get that but then she should cut out the junk surely? I love exercise and am currently bulking up to try and get to 175pounds. Just because i am in a relationship doesnt mean i have stopped caring about how i look. She has always been larger then me, i have probably gained 10pounds bulking up in the year she has put on 24 pounds.

[Arieswoman]

jsmith92,

 

According to UK calculations of BM1

 

Your BMI = 24 = ideal weight.

 

Your gf BMI = 29 = just overweight.

 

Ideal weight for her 8st 2lbs - 11.00st

 

Now I take these figures with a pinch of salt.

 

I am 5'3" tall and during my divorce I went down to 8 stone and I looked bony and ill. So I just can't imagine someone of 5'6" being 8 stone 2lbs !!

[jsmith92]

What's the gym opening up near you called ? There are loads of these pay as you go gyms in London now. They are really just for gyming it.... no frills or anything... so you'd need to really motivate her.

 

Pure gym, its £19.99 a month with no contract. She said today she has asked a few of her mates to join with her so thats good and will hopefully help her stick to it.

[katiegrl]

I didnt start this to cause a mass debate lol although it has been interesting hearing everyones views.

 

I might come across out of order to some people but i am just being honest to how i feel. My girlfriend hasnt got a condition and i had known her 2 years before we started seeing each other and she said the biggest she ever was was 168pounds. So to now be 184 i dont know why, i asked her again a few hours ago when i saw her if she is feeling depressed or anything she said no.

 

End of the day i do love her, she has put on 24 pounds in a year which i feel is a lot in a year and quite a few agree with me there. I am not forcing her to go gym or telling her what to eat i am advising her in ways i feel i can help her. If she wants to stick to her unhealthy lifestyle then that is fine but it is unattractive to me and will cause problems.

 

FWIW I agree with you.

 

One should always take pride in his/her appearance AND health regardless of whether or not they are in a RL.

 

And, again for me, more so when I am in a RL.

 

It's when I am single that I have a tendency to let myself go a bit.... maybe gain five pounds TOPS.

 

Enjoy a burger or two from Burger King. It's only me after all.

 

I always feel like shyt afterwards, but that's on me.

[sandylee1]

I didnt start this to cause a mass debate lol although it has been interesting hearing everyones views.

 

I might come across out of order to some people but i am just being honest to how i feel. My girlfriend hasnt got a condition and i had known her 2 years before we started seeing each other and she said the biggest she ever was was 168pounds. So to now be 184 i dont know why, i asked her again a few hours ago when i saw her if she is feeling depressed or anything she said no.

 

End of the day i do love her, she has put on 24 pounds in a year which i feel is a lot in a year and quite a few agree with me there. I am not forcing her to go gym or telling her what to eat i am advising her in ways i feel i can help her. If she wants to stick to her unhealthy lifestyle then that is fine but it is unattractive to me and will cause problems.

 

I understand where you're coming from and I believe you were right to mention it to her. It sounds like she really has to keep on top of things to keep her weight down. Now you just need to observe what she does.

 

Perhaps you could do outdoor activities with a bit of fitness involved... but don't overdo it.

 

Also if you suggested a holiday to Spain... she'd want to look good in a swimming costume right ?

 

Being comfortable can make you drop your guard.... now you've raised your concerns she'll have to work on it. Weight Watchers could be useful for her.

[katiegrl]

My concern would be why she (or in my case the she would be a he) believes that once in a RL.... that gives her license to let herself go and gain 25 pounds. or more.

 

Why she doesn't care once in a RL....

 

Where does that come from?

[elaine567]

My concern would be why she (or in my case the she would be a he) believes that once in a RL.... that gives her license to let herself go and gain 25 pounds. or more.

 

Why she doesn't care once in a RL....

 

Where does that come from?

That is why he needs to seriously consider that she is not as happy as she is perhaps telling him.

Comfort eating?