Girlfriend & weight gain

[katiegrl]

That is why he needs to seriously consider that she is not as happy as she is perhaps telling him.

Comfort eating?

 

Maybe. Or maybe just feels so comfortable and takes for granted OP will love her no matter how much weight she gains. Or that he should anyway.

 

A sort of test maybe? To prove how much he loves her?

 

I don't really know but yes he really should talk to her and bring up all these things. Get to the bottom of what's really going on.

[getsmartie]

Because some people eat when their happy and many people are emotional eaters. Maybe when she isn't in a relationship she would eat less.

 

Bottom line is she said that you should love her regardless, that's the real point that she doesn't have the self awareness to realize the importance of keeping yourself looking great in a RL.

 

In terms of exercise if she isn't ready to change her behavior than she won't do it just because someone else tells her to.

[getsmartie]

OP, what if in three years she gains 60-80 pounds, that could happen. Then what?

 

Don't say you love her no matter. If she keeps this up this would be a deal breaker for me anyhow.

[losangelena]

That is why he needs to seriously consider that she is not as happy as she is perhaps telling him.

Comfort eating?

 

Exactly. 24 pounds in a year is not "happy relationship, take my BF for granted" weight gain. That's some, "major underlying ish" weight gain.

 

I agree that most people in a healthy head space WOULD keep themselves fit and trim for their partners (or at least whatever weight they were at when they were first attracted). What OP is describing does not sound like that at all. Whatever is going on inside her head that she can't verbalize is showing up on her body.

[jsmith92]

OP, what if in three years she gains 60-80 pounds, that could happen. Then what?

 

Don't say you love her no matter. If she keeps this up this would be a deal breaker for me anyhow.

 

Then yes that would be a deal breaker for me too. If she can lose weight trying to attract me the least she can do is make effort and maintain her weight or maybe put a bit on , but not 24lbs. I told her today i pounds what she has put on and she couldnt believe it when i told her.

[jsmith92]

jsmith92,

 

According to UK calculations of BM1

 

Your BMI = 24 = ideal weight.

 

Your gf BMI = 29 = just overweight.

 

Ideal weight for her 8st 2lbs - 11.00st

 

Now I take these figures with a pinch of salt.

 

I am 5'3" tall and during my divorce I went down to 8 stone and I looked bony and ill. So I just can't imagine someone of 5'6" being 8 stone 2lbs !!

 

She is not just overweight. She is 13 stone 2 pounds! She is 26 pounds over the ideal weight range you have posted there.

[getsmartie]

I actually train a women right now who while in relationships she puts on about 30 pounds and when she gets dumped she wants to train to attract.

 

This is now the third time she's been back in to start again. We had a major talk and I told her that there is a pattern I'm seeing.

 

Point is YES people can let themselves go when they are comfortable in a RL.

[Liam1]

She is not just overweight. She is 13 stone 2 pounds! She is 26 pounds over the ideal weight range you have posted there.

 

Jsmith92:

 

You also said that in addition to the weight, she is becoming slovenly.

 

There is no reason to become slovenly and not dress properly. I can excuse a little weight gain, if she works on it because there are lots of things that can cause temporary weight gain. But being slovenly, has no excuse.

 

It is disrespectful.

 

I know many heavier women who dress well and look sharp, despite their extra weight.

 

If she claims she in not depressed and she won't get psychological help or work out with you, there is not much you can do.

 

You can lead a horse to water, but you can not make him drink.

[Jabron1]

I actually train a women right now who while in relationships she puts on about 30 pounds and when she gets dumped she wants to train to attract.

 

This is now the third time she's been back in to start again. We had a major talk and I told her that there is a pattern I'm seeing.

 

Point is YES people can let themselves go when they are comfortable in a RL.

 

The whole 'you should love me whatever I look like' nonsense is to blame as well.

 

If you want unconditional love, get a dog. That goes for men and women.

 

I mean it's just obvious. Who'd you rather go out with?

 

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/8/87/Jabba_the_Hutt.png

 

Or

 

http://cdn1-www.craveonline.com/assets/uploads/2015/11/SlaveLeia.jpg

[losangelena]

The whole 'you should love me whatever I look like' nonsense is to blame as well.

 

If you want unconditional love, get a dog. That goes for men and women.

 

I mean it's just obvious. Who'd you rather go out with?

 

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/8/87/Jabba_the_Hutt.png

 

Or

 

http://cdn1-www.craveonline.com/assets/uploads/2015/11/SlaveLeia.jpg

 

True, of course, but let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

 

A 184-pound woman can still look like this: IMG Models - Portfolio

 

Even though she has gained weight, that doesn't mean she's going to end up looking like this: http://ihateworkinginretail.ooid.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/people_of_walmart-6-300x187.jpg

[Gloria25]

Why won't anyone mention the 4-letter word of "lazy"?

 

Are we in a day age where there always has to be a mental or physical condition for someone's bad attitude/behavior....and/or it's their SO's fault?

 

I'm the only person calling her "lazy"....go figure.

 

Oh BTW, if she's a "comfort" eater, she still is lazy. Cuz it's easier to sit around and stuff your face if you're having a bad time than to lace up your tennis shoes and go on a walk, meditate, and/or break a sweat.

Edited May 3, 2016 by Gloria25

[alphamale]

I'm the only person calling her "lazy"....go figure.

there are two now, i agree with you

[Jabron1]

True, of course, but let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

 

A 184-pound woman can still look like this: IMG Models - Portfolio

 

Even though she has gained weight, that doesn't mean she's going to end up looking like this: http://ihateworkinginretail.ooid.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/people_of_walmart-6-300x187.jpg

 

Bigger women can be very sexy. But not if they're grazing all day like a cow or something. That's a massive turn off.

 

My point was that this idea that 'my S.O. should love me whatever I look like' is fantasy land.

 

Sure, I might love her like a good friend, but I'm going to lose the desire to take her underwear off with my teeth. That primal desire will be gone.

 

Why won't anyone mention the 4-letter word of "lazy"?

 

Are we in a day age where there always has to be a mental or physical condition for someone's bad attitude/behavior....and/or it's their SO's fault.

 

I'm the only person calling her "lazy"....go figure.

 

Oh BTW, if she's a "comfort" eater, she still is lazy. Cuz it's easier to sit around and stuff your face if you're having a bad time than to lace up your tennis shoes and go on a walk, meditate, and/or break a sweat.

 

I completely agree with you, and have got into long discussions on here before with people about taking on a 'victim mindset' in life.

 

There are people in the world who are starving to death. Nobodies a 'victim' because they ate too many doughnuts, and couldn't be bothered to do some sit-ups. I already said it's a matter of pride and self-discipline.

 

Nobody takes responsibility for anything anymore. Those of us that do, are in good shape. What a suprise!

 

there are two now, i agree with you

 

Make that three

Edited May 3, 2016 by Jabron1

[losangelena]

My point was that this idea that 'my S.O. should love me whatever I look like' is fantasy land.

 

I totally agree. If this is the mindset that OP's GF truly has, that's a problem.

 

Hopefully she will have a change of heart or perspective.

[alphamale]

Make that three

indeed

[DreamP]

You can't blame a person for their weight. You also can't demand they lose it just so they look attractive to you. But you can ask that they take care of themselves. People gain weight for a multitude of reasons. Poor diet and lack of exercise is just some of them. But those are the factors that an individual can control.

 

So OP, don't ask your gf to lose weight for you. Ask her to be healthier. Ask her to workout with you and eat right. Explain that if she truly loves you, she will make this effort for you. Will this help her lose weight or prevent further gain is unknown. She may say she will do these things and not be able to as well. But the main issue is her lack of effort and demanding you love her just the way she is. The fact is you do love her the way she is. You love the person she was a year ago. You even love the person she is today. But she can't demand she continue to love the person that she may be tomorrow if that person is not the same.

[bu2002]

It's a heck of a lot easier to let go of her now, then say in 10 years, when she's gained 30 more lbs, but now you have a 6 and 4 year old at home.

 

She's giving you a glimpse of the future. There's an incompatiblity to overcome.

[katiegrl]

True, of course, but let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

 

A 184-pound woman can still look like this: IMG Models - Portfolio

 

Even though she has gained weight, that doesn't mean she's going to end up looking like this: http://ihateworkinginretail.ooid.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/people_of_walmart-6-300x187.jpg

 

Ashley Graham is 5'9.5" tall.

 

OP's gf is 5'6". Big difference.

 

AG looks great!

[losangelena]

Ashley Graham is 5'9.5" tall.

 

OP's gf is 5'6". Big difference.

 

AG looks great!

 

Ehn, it's not that much difference. It's not like OP's GF is 5'1" or something.

 

My point is, she's 184 pounds. Not some hideous wildebeest.

[BlueIris]

Just an idea: Rather than care about the weight or how she looks (I don’t and can’t care, I’ve tried), maybe start working out to compete, to achieve something- other than losing weight. Forget weight.

 

Working out to achieve something, to be competitive or to feel good from the endorphin infusion can be very motivating.

 

If you think she’d enjoy that, maybe talk about something that you two could compete at together (or against each other? that can be sexy or fun) or something of her own that she could compete and achieve in- maybe a 5k, maybe a longer drive in golf, or a yoga challenge at the studio.

 

On the endorphin side of it, for an easy kick-start, nothing beats Bikram yoga, IMO. Bikram is extremely easy as far as skill goes, but after only a week of every other day you have energy your entire day. (However, don't go with her if she did that. Every guy I’ve taken to Bikram has lost his marbles over the tight butts right in front of him and I just wanted to hit him. )

 

I can’t fathom standing in a gym lifting weights in a mirror or reading a newspaper on a treadmill… UNLESS it to achieve another type of goal, and then powering through workouts to reach that goal feels good.

 

I don't know. Just an idea and it really depends upon her personality. If she's not competitive or doesn't know the endorphin high, it might not matter.

Edited May 4, 2016 by BlueIris

[Emilia]

Ehn, it's not that much difference. It's not like OP's GF is 5'1" or something.

 

My point is, she's 184 pounds. Not some hideous wildebeest.

I am 5'6'' and 138-140lbs and a UK size 10-12. I could imagine to be 10-15 pounds more if it was put on at the right places but at 184 pounds I'd look like a hideous wildebeest. Certainly if it went to my middle - as it often does for most women.

 

Besides, I don't get why the OP isn't allowed to make that judgement himself. Do people dictate now whom we should be attracted to? To a photo-shopped celebrity, perhaps? Ashley Graham doesn't look like that in real life. No models or celebrities do, photos are always photo-shopped.

[katiegrl]

Ehn, it's not that much difference. It's not like OP's GF is 5'1" or something.

 

My point is, she's 184 pounds. Not some hideous wildebeest.

 

No one is suggesting OP's gf is a hideous beast, but she IS overweight.

 

I am also 5'6", and I currently weigh 120, which is normal for me. Between 120 and 125.

 

The most I weighed was 150 during college, I went to the doctor for a physical and she advised I should lose weight and put me on a diet!

 

And at 150, that was still 34 pounds less than OP's gf. And for the record, *I* thought I looked gross, nevermind what others thought. I was very happy to go on that diet.

 

OP's gf is not obese but overweight.

 

But that is not even the point. The point is she has stopped caring, stopped taking care of herself.

 

THAT is a concern OP needs to explore with her. Why has she stopped caring?

Edited May 4, 2016 by katiegrl

[Els]

Quitting smoking is a trigger for weight gain - that is pretty common and rooted in the withdrawal effects of cigarette addiction. Any health professional would agree that the health benefits from quitting smoking greatly outweigh the health risks of gaining 25 lbs. So if the main concern is her health, then I do think she made the right choice. Assuming you're a non-smoker, her quitting is great for YOUR health as well, as living with a smoker predisposes you to lung cancer, stroke, etc as well.

 

That being said, ideally of course she would go back to her normal weight after the withdrawal is over. It will be harder for her now than it was before (that is unfortunately why lots of people smoke - it keeps them skinny, they just don't realize or care that they're killing themselves and everyone around them). But it should be doable.

 

I think you should just carry on being supportive and encouraging her to eat healthy meals with you and work out together.

[jsmith92]

I only spoke about this with her the other day so i cant judge yet on wether she will try and become more healthier. I have said to her just becasue we are in a relationship that we cant stop caring about what we look like. I am taking part in a spartan race in October, for those who dont know its a 7k, 13 or 21k obstacle course which you run for charity. I am starting off with the 7k and she has said she wants to give it a go to so she will have no choice but to train. We also have a holiday booked to Lanzarote in September and she says she wants to get down to 170pounds by then, she can do it but for some reason she finds it very hard to stay motivated.

 

When she was 160pounds she looked great, that would still be classed as overweight according to the BMI range posted before however I have no problem with a bigger woman and was very much attracted to her at this stage. I am at times attracted to her now at this weight however seeing how she doesnt seem to care and gradually increase the weight the attraction does decrease and i think that is just natural. If i was to put on 24pounds or more she was find me less attractive then i am now and thats just how it is.

 

I think she will stick to the gym when it opens, she has done it before and she just needs someone there to keep her motivated. Having me and her friends join with her will help her and then i think she will realise how unhealthy her lifestyle is at the moment.

[Els]

I am at times attracted to her now at this weight however seeing how she doesnt seem to care and gradually increase the weight the attraction does decrease and i think that is just natural. If i was to put on 24pounds or more she was find me less attractive then i am now and thats just how it is.

 

Interesting. I'd probably be okay with it if my SO gained 25lbs, but if he started smoking with no intention to quit I'd be out of there before you can say, "Do you want to shave 10 years off your lifespan?".

 

I mean, I get it. It matters a lot to you. And that's fair, totally your prerogative and nothing wrong with it. And it's great that you're both gonna go for that 7k together.

 

But while you theoretically have the right to react however you like to her weight gain, I'm concerned that if she feels cornered, she will revert to smoking as the 'easy' way to lose the weight again. To an extent that is out of your control. But I hope that while you encourage her to work out with you, you simultaneously encourage her to stay cigarette-free. For both your sakes.