elaine567 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I dont want that to happen but yes sounds like it at the moment. She said to me just now that she also feels i expect too much of her in bed. I get hardly any effort at all and she says its because she feels i want her to be something she is not, that she isnt a pornstar. I dont want her to be a pornstar but the last few months she has been the opposite, i just want her to be willing to try things and keep it interesting like i do with her but instead she just makes no effort. I get she isnt confident in herself at the minute but that is what is causing problems between us at the moment. This is a vicious circle and stems from the fact you want to change this inexperienced, previously abused, shy, unconfident, obese girl who told you she loves gentle vanilla sex into a porn goddess. YOU keep saying how good it is for her to learn new things which may be true, but she loves the "interesting" new stuff so much she never wants to do it again, what does that tell you? Either you learn to accept her for who she is, or you dump her and the next time make sure you find a girl who is sex fiend and who is compatible with your idea of a sexual partner. The problem here is that if you had just taken things slowly and let things develop naturally, she may indeed have turned out to be one hot mamma full of confidence and enthusiasm, but you have pushed and shoved her out of her comfort zone over sex, and criticised her, and now she is a mess over the sex and neither of you is happy. You have made sex an issue when it didn't have to be. At the start - Vanilla girl - not for me - walk away, but no, you want to "work on it" but I guess here she doesn't actually want to change, she is happy not being "interesting". Asking her to change is making her unhappy, you have to listen to that plea.
Author jsmith92 Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 Before she got with me she said she was involved in foursomes and our mate who she had a fling with said she was into using gag balls and cuffs and he made her pass out a few times. Being with me she is the opposite and does nothing and has turned out boring. I just dont get it.
PegNosePete Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Before she got with me she said she was involved in foursomes and our mate who she had a fling with said she was into using gag balls and cuffs and he made her pass out a few times. Being with me she is the opposite and does nothing and has turned out boring. I just dont get it. Well, this thread just took an unexpected twist. I don't know for sure since I don't know her, but sometimes this is because she cares about you. When she was doing the foursomes and kinky stuff she was just seeing people casually and messing around, and didn't care if her relationship (if any) exploded. But with you she doesn't want to jeopardise her relationship by doing these things. That's how I would view it. I'm feeling optimistic right now.
elaine567 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Before she got with me she said she was involved in foursomes and our mate who she had a fling with said she was into using gag balls and cuffs and he made her pass out a few times. Being with me she is the opposite and does nothing and has turned out boring. I just dont get it. That was during her abusive relationship, if she had truly liked that she would continue doing it, I guess she didn't like it, or was forced into it. Not many really want to be choked so hard they pass out - it is scary and very dangerous - she could have died. You got fired up by your mate, into thinking you were onto a winner but you failed to notice and continue to fail to notice the real woman here. Plenty people do stuff that they are forced to do or feel they need to do in relationships to keep people they are in love with interested, obviously your gf is no longer that person. She has rejected that part of her life. YOU cannot MAKE her into that person again, if that is not what she wants to do any more. She is sexually "boring" to you and no amount of moaning about it will make one whit of a difference. YOU two are sexually incompatible and it is getting worse apparently.
Author jsmith92 Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 I get that, and i dont mind what she did in her past, we all have a past. Its just how she goes from that to doing nothing with me at all, she says i want her to be a pornstar, i dont i just havent had a girl yet who has been confident in themseleves and wants to please me, its always been me satisfying them as i hate to feel like i am not good enough but with my gf she doesnt seem bothered that she is not satisfying me and then she wonders why i am not happy with our sex life at the moment.
Author jsmith92 Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 Im moaning about it because yes it has got boring for me, like it would anyone else who was going all out to satisfy there partner only to get nothing back. I want to get an understanding of why she is how she is and today she said it is a confidence thing, i dont know what that is like as i have always been confident in satisfying the girl i am with.
Author jsmith92 Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 I said to her earlier how can she go from having a foursome and taking part in bondage and passing out whilst she was single to not even bothering giving her long term boyfriend oral and she just said she was always drunk during them times. I just feel if she can do all that with them she should be willing to try new things for us to keep it intersting? I dont think she was forced into everything and must enjoy it all to some degree so why not enjoy it with me? Im not asking her to take part in anything dangerous and would never think of choking her to the point where she would pass out but i want at least some excitement and progress, at the moment it is me doing all the satisfying and trying to improve our sex life but now after we have spoke if she still continues to not bother then yes i will have a decision to make because i cannot be in a dull sex life relationship.
Jabron1 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 She sounds fat, lazy, far too comfortable, and full of excuses. I'm not sure what else to tell you, mate. Think happy thoughts? Ignore it and maybe it'll go away? lol Because if she's morbidly obese and the sexual chemistry is crap, then it's pretty obvious what the answer is here.
elaine567 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I said to her earlier how can she go from having a foursome and taking part in bondage and passing out whilst she was single to not even bothering giving her long term boyfriend oral and she just said she was always drunk during them times. I just feel if she can do all that with them she should be willing to try new things for us to keep it intersting? I dont think she was forced into everything and must enjoy it all to some degree so why not enjoy it with me? Im not asking her to take part in anything dangerous and would never think of choking her to the point where she would pass out but i want at least some excitement and progress, at the moment it is me doing all the satisfying and trying to improve our sex life but now after we have spoke if she still continues to not bother then yes i will have a decision to make because i cannot be in a dull sex life relationship. I had assumed drink or drugs, that explains why sober and compos mentis she rejects all suggestions of going there again. Your attempts at trying to "improve" your sex life are not for her a real improvement, else she would be all on board with you. "Everyone" wants a fun and enjoyable sex life. When that "enjoyment" is forced or not enjoyable, then most either say no, or passively try to avoid going there all together. Your "vanilla" gf is happy I guess with the sex life you have, without the added "interesting" bits you seem to continually wish to bring to the party.
Author jsmith92 Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 Before i started seeing her she was my best mate for two years, we got together and she has gained 24 pounds in the 14 months we have been together. She has blamed it on quitting smoking and being to comfortable with someone, which she hasnt experienced before as i am her first serious partner. I care about her, she knows what i want and how i want it to be but for whatever reason, she says it is her not having the confidence, she just isnt making the effort at the moment. This is my third relationship, im 25 and havent ever enjoyed oral because i have never had a girl good at it and enjoy doing it to me, just a massive turn off in my eyes. my current gf doesnt enjoy it but surely if you want to be with someone long term u can learn to enjoy it and realise that its important for both people to be satisfied. I would try anything she wanted to make things interesting and better but she is stubborn and says she doesnt like it, she doesnt like having come anywhere on her, i just consider that boring and i am hoping she will realise that us men being satisfied is just as important as it is for women. I remember when i first gave oral to my first parter when i was 18, didnt enjoy it at first and wasnt experienced but now it is something i enjoy a lot and get a lot of satisfaction out of satisfying the girl i am with, just wish my girlfriend was more like This with me. We have spoke about it, i have told her to be confident and we can both work on it and she said she will try harder now to make effort like i do so we will just see it she does. I am not trying to force her To do really horrible things, but i just feel she should be more willing to do the basics at least, i do everything to her to please her and get nothing back, would say its 80% me and 20% her at the minute in terms of giving and making effort, jus want it to be more closer to 50 50.
Author jsmith92 Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 I had assumed drink or drugs, that explains why sober and compos mentis she rejects all suggestions of going there again. Your attempts at trying to "improve" your sex life are not for her a real improvement, else she would be all on board with you. "Everyone" wants a fun and enjoyable sex life. When that "enjoyment" is forced or not enjoyable, then most either say no, or passively try to avoid going there all together. Your "vanilla" gf is happy I guess with the sex life you have, without the added "interesting" bits you seem to continually wish to bring to the party. She is happy with the sex life because i make her come everytime and satisfy her while i havent had any oral from her in over 2 months, i think im in the right to trying to make it more even in terms of effort being made. Its like me never giving her oral and coming in 2 minutes every time we have sex, no woman would be happy with that.
katiegrl Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Before she got with me she said she was involved in foursomes and our mate who she had a fling with said she was into using gag balls and cuffs and he made her pass out a few times. Being with me she is the opposite and does nothing and has turned out boring. I just dont get it. Sounds like she is just turned OFF by you. Making demands, pushing, and trying to make an unworkable situation work has a tendency to do that. For her, the spark is dead, the desire to please GONE. IMO your demands killed it. Sorry.
Emilia Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I don't think it's true that everyone wants an interesting and fun sex life. I think some people truly have no interest in it whatsoever.
Author jsmith92 Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 Sounds like she is just turned OFF by you. Making demands, pushing, and trying to make an unworkable situation work has a tendency to do that. For her, the spark is dead, the desire to please GONE. IMO your demands killed it. Sorry. Na its not that, she just wants a loving relationship, something she has never had before, but loving doesnt have to mean boring.
PegNosePete Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Sorry to say, I don't think the sex is the issue here. Sex is usually not the cause of relationship issues. It is the litmus paper. If the relationship has problems, the sex will go downhill. If all is fine in the relationship, the sex will naturally pick up. So if you're having an unsatisfying sex life then you really should be looking for the root cause of the problem, not just trying to fix the surface symptoms. Weight gain is another such indicator. Blaming the weight gain and telling her to lose it, is not addressing the root cause of the problems. I think you need to really delve into what is causing these issues. Don't just try to fix the issues themselves. Find out WHY they are happening. Probably with the help of a marriage councillor. 1
elaine567 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I don't think it's true that everyone wants an interesting and fun sex life. I think some people truly have no interest in it whatsoever. That is why I put "everyone" in inverted commas.
elaine567 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Na its not that, she just wants a loving relationship, something she has never had before, but loving doesnt have to mean boring. But to her it does, and that is the fundamental difference here.
Author jsmith92 Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 Sorry to say, I don't think the sex is the issue here. Sex is usually not the cause of relationship issues. It is the litmus paper. If the relationship has problems, the sex will go downhill. If all is fine in the relationship, the sex will naturally pick up. So if you're having an unsatisfying sex life then you really should be looking for the root cause of the problem, not just trying to fix the surface symptoms. Weight gain is another such indicator. Blaming the weight gain and telling her to lose it, is not addressing the root cause of the problems. I think you need to really delve into what is causing these issues. Don't just try to fix the issues themselves. Find out WHY they are happening. Probably with the help of a marriage councillor. Makes sense, will ask her how she is feeling about us when we next bring it up.
katiegrl Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 (edited) Na its not that, she just wants a loving relationship, something she has never had before, but loving doesnt have to mean boring. I am sure she does want a loving relationship, just not with YOU. Now you can delude yourself into thinking otherwise, but her lack of sexual desire for you speaks volumes. Think about it. Before you she was an adventurous sexual animal. With you, she is a duh. Gained weight, is unadventurous and has no desire to please you. Hello!!!! Earth to jsmith.....the writing on the wall here. Something about you is turning her off! Obviously! Edited May 27, 2016 by katiegrl
Author jsmith92 Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 I am sure she does want a loving relationship, just not with YOU. Now you can delude yourself into thinking otherwise, but her lack of sexual desire for you speaks volumes. Think about it. Before you she was an adventurous sexual animal. With you, she is a duh. Gained weight, doesn't enjoy sex or even want it. Hello!!!! Earth to jsmith.....the writing on the wall here. Something about you is turning her off! Obviously! She made out she was a sexual animal, i came into this relationship with her saying she had done this done that and when i started seeing her she said she made most of it up to impress me. So i came into this relationship thinking she was experienced when really she is not. She had to be drunk the times when she was being adventurous in the past. She is just not confident at the moment and need to get her back to the stage where she is again.
PegNosePete Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Something about you is turning her off! Obviously! Or she's depressed. Or she has a medical condition. Or it could be a hundred other things. No, not "obviously" at all. 1
katiegrl Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 She made out she was a sexual animal, i came into this relationship with her saying she had done this done that and when i started seeing her she said she made most of it up to impress me. So i came into this relationship thinking she was experienced when really she is not. She had to be drunk the times when she was being adventurous in the past. She is just not confident at the moment and need to get her back to the stage where she is again. Okay ....I don't see this ending well but best of luck!
PegNosePete Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I haven't read all 10 pages of this thread, but from skimming it, I would say an underactive thyroid explains all her symptoms. Weight gain, depression, lack of libido. I would suggest she get it checked. 1
Author jsmith92 Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 She has put on 20 pounds since we started seeing each other, she is not confident she feels i am not attracted to her when i am, i just want her to get her confidence back because i am tired of doing all the giving now. I tell her that losing weight will bring her confidence back and be good for her, i feel that in me telling her i love her no matter what that she has just got far too comfortable.
Author jsmith92 Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 Okay ....I don't see this ending well but best of luck! I can only try and will try, if she wants it to be good like how it was when we started seeing each other then she will make effort to lose the weight and make more effort in bed.
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