Girlfriend & weight gain

[Jabron1]

I can only try and will try, if she wants it to be good like how it was when we started seeing each other then she will make effort to lose the weight and make more effort in bed.

 

You are ignoring reality here. She has serious problems.

 

These problems are now your problem. You are being dragged down.

 

It's better to either accept it or move on, rather than keep banging your head against a wall.

 

You get married to her, and this will be your life from now on.

 

This is just a preview.

 

You come from England right? Go out on the streets today. Look at all of the beautiful women that are out in the sun. Seriously, don't waste anymore time on this.

 

You were good as friends. So, be friends.

[katiegrl]

Or she's depressed.

 

Or she has a medical condition.

 

Or it could be a hundred other things.

 

No, not "obviously" at all.

 

Sure it could be anything.

 

But after reading the OP's posts in my opinion it sounds like she is just not into it anymore.

 

Makes no effort anymore. No longer has any desire to please where she once did, gaining weight .... unmotivated, uninspired, etc etc etc.

 

She has become complacent .... even he said she feels too *comfortable*.

 

He needs to back off. Especially re the sex, geez.

 

He sounds controlling...which never works.

 

Pushing her to change to be what he needs her to be ... or to get back to being (and feeling) like she used to .... is not gonna solve anything.

 

In fact the opposite.... it will push her further away emotionally.

 

I agree with the previous poster who said he needs to get to the *root* of the problem.

 

The root being - she is just not into it any more....

 

Again JMO!

Edited May 27, 2016 by katiegrl

[PegNosePete]

Makes no effort anymore. No longer has any desire to please where she once did, gaining weight .... unmotivated, uninspired, etc etc etc.

 

She has become complacent .... even he said she feels too *comfortable*.

To me those symptoms sound like an underactive thyroid. Almost textbook, in fact.

 

He needs to back off. Especially re the sex, geez.

 

He sounds controlling...which never works.

 

Pushing her to change to be what he needs her to be ... or to get back to feeling like she used to .... is not gonna solve anything.

 

In fact the opposite.... it will push her further away emotionally.

Yes, totally agree with this. He needs to back off the sex and weight loss topics, and tackle the root cause of the problems. Treating the symptoms, especially in such an unsympathetic way, is a really bad idea and you're right, it will drive her away.

 

I would say first course of action is to get her thyroid checked. Whilst there explain symptoms to the doctor and ask if there's any other medical explanations. If everything's OK physically, then find out why she is feeling like she is. The best place for that is probably in some kind of relationship counselling.

 

Or just decide it's not worth it and bail. Up to him, really. But I don't think this case is a simple loss of interest. I think there's something bigger at play here.

Edited May 27, 2016 by PegNosePete

[Jabron1]

I would say first course of action is to get her thyroid checked.

 

Fair enough. Get her thyroid checked.

 

Something tells me that he 'thyroid' isn't the reason she was having sports sex with the other guy, and terrible sex now...

 

If everything's OK physically, then find out why she is feeling like she is. The best place for that is probably in some kind of relationship counselling.

 

You cannot negotiate chemistry/desire. I've seen this with family that have went through 'relationship counselling'.

 

It's a big waste of time for people that are completely desperate. OP isn't (or shouldn't) be in such a bind.

 

Or just decide it's not worth it and bail. Up to him, really.

 

I think that would be the smart option.

 

There are billions of women on the planet. This can't be the best that he can do.

 

But I don't think this case is a simple loss of interest.

 

Mark me down as one that thinks this is an interest issue.

 

And 'loss of interest' is never simple. Blaming it on a thyroid is much more easy and simple in my opinion.

[katiegrl]

If she has an underactive thyroid like you suggest, then instead of badgering her to become more sexually adventurous, he should badger her to see a doctor!

 

There are meds for that... thyroid problems are very easily treatable.

 

All it takes is a simple blood test to diagnose.....

[PegNosePete]

'loss of interest' is never simple.

Fair enough - there's usually complications.

 

One major reason for loss of interest is that there's someone else. If that's the case then she would probably be losing weight. She would be happier than before. She would be going out and enjoying herself. She would be putting more effort into her appearance, using more make-up, buying new clothes, doing her hair more often. Sex with the partner would probably be increasing rather than cutting back. She may even suggest a 3some or other adventurous stuff (retroactive permission etc). None of that is happening. The complete opposite, in fact.

 

Even if there isn't someone else and she is just losing interest, she'd probably be exhibiting some of the above behaviour. If she was losing interest then she would be preparing to move on, which means preparing to find a new man. That would mean getting into better shape, going out more, etc etc... all as above. She is not doing any of that.

 

That is why I think losing interest doesn't explain what's going on here. Losing interest would have a totally different set of symptoms than he is reporting.

[katiegrl]

PegnosePete, I agree she could be depressed.

 

It is not uncommon for a women to become depressed when involved with a controlling overbearing man.

 

Which, no offense to the OP, but it sounds like he is from what he has posted about how he interacts with her.

 

His covert demands she become more sexually adventurous, lose weight, become more confident, etc. Ugh!

 

Maybe she is happy the way she is! Again he needs to back off and accept her, warts and all.

 

Or just leave and find someone else.

 

Also, weight issues, whether it's anorexia, or gaining, are often attempts to regain control...... if they feel they have lost it, to overbearing parents or partner.

[jsmith92]

Sure it could be anything.

 

But after reading the OP's posts in my opinion it sounds like she is just not into it anymore.

 

Makes no effort anymore. No longer has any desire to please where she once did, gaining weight .... unmotivated, uninspired, etc etc etc.

 

She has become complacent .... even he said she feels too *comfortable*.

 

He needs to back off. Especially re the sex, geez.

 

He sounds controlling...which never works.

 

Pushing her to change to be what he needs her to be ... or to get back to being (and feeling) like she used to .... is not gonna solve anything.

 

In fact the opposite.... it will push her further away emotionally.

 

I agree with the previous poster who said he needs to get to the *root* of the problem.

 

The root being - she is just not into it any more....

 

Again JMO!

 

Your opinion which i listen to but dont agree with, i know her most. I am not controlling, would you be happy making all the effort while your partner made no effort whatsoever with you? No so that is what i am trying to fix and make her realise it cannot be like that if we are To continue.

[jsmith92]

I can only try and will try, if she wants it to be good like how it was when we started seeing each other then she will make effort to lose the weight and make more effort in bed.

 

Fair enough. Get her thyroid checked.

 

Something tells me that he 'thyroid' isn't the reason she was having sports sex with the other guy, and terrible sex now...

 

 

 

You cannot negotiate chemistry/desire. I've seen this with family that have went through 'relationship counselling'.

 

It's a big waste of time for people that are completely desperate. OP isn't (or shouldn't) be in such a bind.

 

 

 

I think that would be the smart option.

 

There are billions of women on the planet. This can't be the best that he can do.

 

 

 

Mark me down as one that thinks this is an interest issue.

 

And 'loss of interest' is never simple. Blaming it on a thyroid is much more easy and simple in my opinion.

 

Its not terrible sex now, she is saying she is happy with it and is the best she has had for a long time but because she is getting is so good she is not bothering with me, im the one getting terrible sex not her. She is now used to getting it good that she is forgetting my needsZ

[jsmith92]

She is not losing interest. She wouldnt have been crying to me earlier saying that she knows she needs to change her diet and her weight to get her confidence back and to make things better for us. She wouldnt have been saying she is worried that i will soon find someone else and forget her. Its hard to get an understanding sometimes through text, we are close there are just a few issues we both want to sort out.

[Grumpybutfun]

Regardless of external issues, the only one you need to focus on is whether or not she is as invested in a relationship as you are. Being healthy, sexually compatible , etc. are all great goals if both of you are working towards them in a partnership. However, if her "script" is that you should accept her unconditionally, and yours is you feel a loss of respect, you aren't equally invested and won't be because your values do not correlate.

Women and men aren't projects for us to work on to make them into versions of what we want, but individuals who will not conform to our standards unless they want the same things in life for themselves and their relationship.

 

You want compatible, passionate sex with her complete interest and the same appearance as when you started dating, which is logical. It is what attracted you to her, and regardless of what people want to think, personal appearance is as much about how a person feels about themselves as human beings or the respect they give to a partner as intelligence, kindness and personality. I'm sure if she went from being a sweetheart into a shrew, you would be making a thread about that too.

 

My wife and I know our standards for a happy partnership and out of respect and in the name of mutual attraction, adhere to those standards. We both work out everyday. We both are fit and sexually attracted to each other. I didn't have to cajole or nag her to be that woman, because she wants that standard as much as I do.

The problem is you are applying standards to your gf who does not share them. You were friends once, and that sounds like your best bet.

Move on, you can never change someone else without being a controlling anxious frustrated bf,

Grumps

Edited May 27, 2016 by Grumpybutfun

[Jabron1]

She is not losing interest. She wouldnt have been crying to me earlier saying that she knows she needs to change her diet and her weight to get her confidence back and to make things better for us. She wouldnt have been saying she is worried that i will soon find someone else and forget her. Its hard to get an understanding sometimes through text, we are close there are just a few issues we both want to sort out.

 

Mate, I'm a bit drunk and it's Friday. But I need to make this point.

 

When I say she is 'low-interest' I mean that in general. You can do far better. This girl has problems, and her problems are becoming yours.

 

How many girls you been with, mate?

 

You must know that things can be a lot better than this. If you haven't experienced a 'high-interest' girl before, I can assure you that it's a lot better than this.

 

What you are going through right now is bullsh*t. You are putting up with it, but that's on you. It's your decision. You can do better, but you are choosing not to.

 

That's on you.

 

Just trying to help

[jsmith92]

Im 24and this is my third relationship, slept with 6 girls overall. I know what it is like to waste time in a relationship, my last one was three years and two of the years were good but the last year put up with too much and it dragged on. It wont happen again and that is why i am trying to fix this problem now and make her see she needs to make more effort or it will not be enough and we will not last. Its up to her to make the effort, she said today she knows she has become lazy and comfortable and that it will change, in the first 4 months we had loads of sex but as the weight gain increased the less confident she has become and that has been a big issue for us and she has only just realised.

[Jabron1]

Im 24and this is my third relationship, slept with 6 girls overall. I know what it is like to waste time in a relationship, my last one was three years and two of the years were good but the last year put up with too much and it dragged on. It wont happen again and that is why i am trying to fix this problem now and make her see she needs to make more effort or it will not be enough and we will not last. Its up to her to make the effort, she said today she knows she has become lazy and comfortable and that it will change, in the first 4 months we had loads of sex but as the weight gain increased the less confident she has become and that has been a big issue for us and she has only just realised.

 

Fair enough, mate.

 

You are only 24, and have had limited experience. I'm telling you that things can/should be better than this.

 

Okay, you are invested in her now. So give her time.

 

But there really needs to be a cut-off point.

 

Give her another 6 months at most. If things don't improve, then you need to leave her and find someone better. You're sure as hell are capable.

 

Don't listen to the stuff that says "you're wrong; you need to be better for her". It's complete twaddle.

 

She needs to step up, or step off.

[jsmith92]

Fair enough, mate.

 

You are only 24, and have had limited experience. I'm telling you that things can/should be better than this.

 

Okay, you are invested in her now. So give her time.

 

But there really needs to be a cut-off point.

 

Give her another 6 months at most. If things don't improve, then you need to leave her and find someone better. You're sure as hell are capable.

 

Don't listen to the stuff that says "you're wrong; you need to be better for her". It's complete twaddle.

 

She needs to step up, or step off.

 

I know they should be better then this and this is why i have brought it up. i agree, now that we have spoke and i have explained my problems and listened to hers then i at least expect her to make a little bit more effort. I am not telling her to do anything over the top, she just hasnt been doing the basics lately and she knows it. I have told her to be comfortable and confident with me and that it will take time but it's something we will get through together.

[xxoo]

I can only try and will try, if she wants it to be good like how it was when we started seeing each other then she will make effort to lose the weight and make more effort in bed.

 

The "effort in bed" thing bothers me. Sex shouldn't feel like work.

 

Can't you turn her on wildly and then initiate what you want?

[jsmith92]

It shouldnt feel like work no but it also shouldnt just be one person initiating and seeming interested providing all the satisfaction while the other just receives and gives nothing back. She has said she likes the sex and that she will stop being so lazy and go back to being confident like she was in the first few months, hopefully she means it.

[katiegrl]

Your opinion which i listen to but dont agree with, i know her most. I am not controlling, would you be happy making all the effort while your partner made no effort whatsoever with you? No so that is what i am trying to fix and make her realise it cannot be like that if we are To continue.

 

No I would definitely not be happy.... however what I would differently from you is LEAVE and find someone who is capable and desirous of making effort.

 

Not stay and try to "fix" a problem that is, frankly, IMO, not fixable.

 

This has been said so many times on this board, but you cannot force someone, whether a man or woman, to give more than they are willing and desirous of giving, or to put forth more effort than they are willing and desirous of putting forth.

 

You can tell them what you need, and if they don't step up to the plate, then you move on.

[xxoo]

It shouldnt feel like work no but it also shouldnt just be one person initiating and seeming interested providing all the satisfaction while the other just receives and gives nothing back. She has said she likes the sex and that she will stop being so lazy and go back to being confident like she was in the first few months, hopefully she means it.

 

I don't know how it is for you, but for us---first he arouses me and turns me on, then I am putty in his hands.

 

Doesn't that sound like fun? Or do you want to get hung up on who is initiating?

 

You see lazy; I see uninspired.

[Jabron1]

You see lazy; I see uninspired.

 

I was thinking the same thing - at first.

 

But, then again, I haven't had to work so hard to "inspire" high-interest girls.

 

And why the hell would anyone want to be in a serious long-term relationship with anybody who is anything less than high-interest?

 

I seriously think he needs to just move on from this one.

[jsmith92]

No I would definitely not be happy.... however what I would differently from you is LEAVE and find someone who is capable and desirous of making effort.

 

Not stay and try to "fix" a problem that is, frankly, IMO, not fixable.

 

This has been said so many times on this board, but you cannot force someone, whether a man or woman, to give more than they are willing and desirous of giving, or to put forth more effort than they are willing and desirous of putting forth.

 

You can tell them what you need, and if they don't step up to the plate, then you move on.

 

You can tell them what you need and you can fix things. I have only just brought it up today how fed up i am of being the only one trying, lets just see how she does with putting her words into action.

[Jabron1]

You can tell them what you need and you can fix things. I have only just brought it up today how fed up i am of being the only one trying, lets just see how she does with putting her words into action.

 

I'm afraid that you will have to learn the hard way.

 

There are certain things that you can change about someone, for sure.

 

But something as serious as someone going rapidly up and down in weight is a serious character flaw that you will either have to accept or reject.

 

I've been with my fair share of women and have never dealt with anything as bad as what you have said. Let me tell you now, it's serous stuff. She's just plain given up caring.

 

What was it again? Like 3 stone in just 1 year? That's absolute madness.

 

Like I said, you'll learn the hard way I guess. I just hope for your sake that you don't waste too much time doing it.

[Gloria25]

I don't know how it is for you, but for us---first he arouses me and turns me on, then I am putty in his hands.

 

Doesn't that sound like fun? Or do you want to get hung up on who is initiating?

 

You see lazy; I see uninspired.

 

So, why is it always the man's fault?

 

It takes two. If he's not "inspiring" her enough sexually, then why is he the one concerned about their sex life. If she was concerned, she probably would be the one posting here - not the OP.

[xxoo]

So, why is it always the man's fault?

 

It takes two. If he's not "inspiring" her enough sexually, then why is he the one concerned about their sex life. If she was concerned, she probably would be the one posting here - not the OP.

 

But she's fine with the way it is. She's probably not feeling a burning need for sex, thus the sex they have is satisfying for her.

 

It's unsatisfying when you feel a burning need for sex but the sex you have is boring.

 

So the only solution I see is to arouse her to the point that she has a burning need for hot monkey love

[Gloria25]

It shouldnt feel like work no but it also shouldnt just be one person initiating and seeming interested providing all the satisfaction while the other just receives and gives nothing back. She has said she likes the sex and that she will stop being so lazy and go back to being confident like she was in the first few months, hopefully she means it.

 

Same way about the weight gain and her wanting to move in with you, she's lazy, demanding, manipulative and it's all about "her".

 

Relationships are about giving. You take care of your looks not just for yourself, but as a gift to your SO. You are keen to pleasing him/her. You just don't sit around and demand this/that from your SO.

 

But good luck with that. I'm sure that you're gonna continue to get hammered on here by the same clique of females who believe this is somehow all your fault and your gf is this poor, innocent flower . Thank God that I'm not a man - especially in this day/age.

 

If you plan to stay with her, stack up on your collection of porn and be ready to live with a "roommates" that requires you to hide in the attic and masturbate for the rest of your life. Oh, I'm sure she'll want sex when she wants a baby...at least you'll see "some" enthusiasm for that short period.