Want to become a bad person

[Keats]

So..you're contemplating suicide and you don't think you're mentally ill...?

 

Mentally healthy people do not contemplate suocide. Again..please see a doctor. Immediately.

 

There's a direct reason for feeling suicidal that drugs cannot fix. Counselling would help.

 

The wellbeing of my mind is certainly not well. It isn't healthy. I wouldn't say my mind is ill because ill implies you need drugs. I can tell you drugs will not help me.

 

Any form of counselling will. Which I'm looking into.

 

All I really need is to be able to live with someone who understands and accepts me and doesn't think it's ok to hack parts of my life away from me. And then not even address it.

 

You do know that women who get beaten by their husband's also have terrible mental health. If you threw drugs and all the world's help at them. They would still feel suicidal because it's a case of cause and affect.

 

Thank you for referring me though. No more referring now please.

 

It helps a lot just reading posts that say they get me, it helps a lot sharing stuff here. It helps a lot while I busy about taking real time action and helping myself.

[Keats]

I want to thank everyone here who have really tried to reply in a way where I feel like you might understand where I'm coming from, or feel my pain.

 

I don't want to be diagnosed or referred.

 

I want someone anyone to just tell me its ok to feel this way. And just understand me and where I'm coming from.

 

I have realised today there is this deep lacking in me, where not just in my marriage but my whole life I have never really felt accepted or loved. By my family, parents, now my husband.

 

And before marriage I had entered a place of peace where I accepted this.

 

I though I came to terms with this.

 

But actually no I haven't

 

I have felt unheard all my life really.

 

The last thing I want to feel even more is to feel unheard by people on loveshack, where I'm once again just told to bugger off and fix myself clinically with a Dr.

 

Where as my heart is just screaming in agony all the things that make me want to top myself at times in the first place, those things go unheard. Those are the things if heard out and understood would make me feel whole loads better.

 

On the other hand, I have found it a bit not normal that I require this form of validation from strangers online. I am desperate. And really it is rather unhealthy to allow strangers to sway my inner being in such a way. So I need to fix this.

 

Can really see the benefit of counselling.

 

I feel half the problems in my marriage are my fault

 

My husband did ask for me to give up things vital in my life. But I'm the one that gave it up ultimately. I thought I could be clever and instead of dealing with the issue I suppressed it within myself and tried to fins other solutions. Or ways to bear it all.

 

No wonder I have expwrinced breakdown after mental breakdown.

 

It is great journaling here. I will continue to do so. I've never shared this info before. And just reading my replies myself shows me how long I've been living in jibber jabbar land.

Edited May 4, 2016 by Keats

[ChickiePops]

The gist of what people here are saying is that your issues go above and beyond what strangers on a mostly dating-based forum can help you with.

 

Nobody here can fill the void..neither can your husband..neither can anyone. Hence the counseling/Doctor recommendation.

 

I truly hope you feel better soon and that you get the help you need.

[carhill]

OP, exW and I lost a dear friend to a similar situation. She suppressed a lot, put on a smiling face, accepted a lot in her M and quietly drank herself to death at 49. Well-liked, active in her church, wonderful mother. Boom, gone. It's been over two years now and I still miss her.

 

I sincerely pray for a healthier result for you. In the final analysis you are your own savior. Others can love you and support you but it's up to you.

[Keats]

But thats surely not true

 

Ive never shared my problems. And the fact that I have here means I am already feeling positive, and able to identify what's wrong and how to fix it. It really helps a lot.

 

I am very willing to join a separate discussion about suicide and self harm tendencies, if someone makes such a thread I'd have a lot to say. Many people want help with their root causes not be thrown to the medics. At least I'm not one of those people.

 

Of course this forum isn't where my cure lies. Not in the least.

 

I know what to do now.

 

The gist of what people here are saying is that your issues go above and beyond what strangers on a mostly dating-based forum can help you with.

 

Nobody here can fill the void..neither can your husband..neither can anyone. Hence the counseling/Doctor recommendation.

 

I truly hope you feel better soon and that you get the help you need.

[Keats]

OP, exW and I lost a dear friend to a similar situation. She suppressed a lot, put on a smiling face, accepted a lot in her M and quietly drank herself to death at 49. Well-liked, active in her church, wonderful mother. Boom, gone. It's been over two years now and I still miss her.

 

I sincerely pray for a healthier result for you. In the final analysis you are your own savior. Others can love you and support you but it's up to you.

 

I won't let it happen to me. I have enough strength at the moment to extract myself from what hurts, gain some space and work on myself.

 

On one hand it is needed for me to express myself and say I want it all to end.

 

Sharing those dark feelings is hard. A big step. But it is progress.

 

I'm so sorry your friend went through such a bad experience and you lost her

[Girlfromcali]

The gist of what people here are saying is that your issues go above and beyond what strangers on a mostly dating-based forum can help you with.

 

Nobody here can fill the void..neither can your husband..neither can anyone. Hence the counseling/Doctor recommendation.

 

I truly hope you feel better soon and that you get the help you need.

 

You know that people can help by just listening and having empathy, right?

[carhill]

I won't let it happen to me. I have enough strength at the moment to extract myself from what hurts, gain some space and work on myself.

That's heartening and an inspiration.

 

On one hand it is needed for me to express myself and say I want it all to end.

Fair enough. Sometimes, and it worked for me, just getting it out and expressing it was a positive experience.

 

Sharing those dark feelings is hard. A big step. But it is progress.

Yes, it can be; I've noted the difficult part, these days, is finding fellow humans to share with who are willing to listen. Life seems so fast-paced and disconnected. However, even one encounter can be uplifting and there are so many people in the world.

 

I'm so sorry your friend went through such a bad experience and you lost her

Thank you. My one gift was, as was our custom, even after my exW and I divorced, the last time I saw her a few months before she died, which as a complete surprise to me, we said our usual ILY's and hugged. She was one of those people who'd listen to you. That was her gift. Unfortunately, processing stuff was the challenge, along with the bottle.

 

You'll make it. Hang in there. Pick something today, even if it's a little thing, that makes you smile and remember it. Today was a good day.

[Bufo]

What judge sentenced you to life without chance of parole?

 

People get divorced every day, or at least every Monday through Friday when courts are open. You can't see that happening now, but nobody except you keeps you locked up. Can you try to envision life without this marriage? How would you be worse off? Most recover quite well from the trauma of divorce.

 

I wish I could sit down and talk with you. Or better yet that some of the dedicated posters here with more sense and experience than I have could do a group intervention. Instead of the jerky-jerk cadence of chat rooms.

 

You are more important to you than he ever was or ever will be. Please put yourself first and get a plan of action.